I watched the sky transform from a glittery black cloak
Into cotton candy blues and pinks.

The sun rose slowly but sure of itself
All the while spreading warmth and light.

Trees went from lumbering, dark monsters
To tall, vibrant green friends.

Flowers popped with color
And swayed in the wind.

All the while I watched this I thought of you
And how much I wish you were here right now to experience it with me.

You
Absolute
*******
*******.

You shredded my heart and dared to call me heartless.
You said that I was cold and a disappointment.
You said that my choices lead to this and I left you.

I was a warm person but you froze her with your abuse.
I had a heart but you turned it into stone from lack of reassurance and angry words.
I tried my best with everything but nothing was ever good enough for you.

A waste of breath
Waste of life
*****
*****
Can’t do anything right ever

That plus so much more I heard every day
But I told myself that you didn’t mean it and that you were just angry.
Threw my failures in my face
Even the ones that you knew were the most sensitive.
At the end of us, I was free and saw things with clear eyes.

You abused me
Verbally, emotionally, and mentally.
You manipulated me.
Tore me down and created a person
Who was submissive and believed every negative word you said.

But now I’m free.
I can do what I want when I want
I can go where I want with who I want.
I’m not afraid to voice my thoughts or alter them so they won’t upset anyone.
I don’t have to tiptoe to avoid an earthquake.

There is someone who cares about me
He listens to me and remembers the small details.
When I ask if he can teach me something, he does it as soon as he can.
He shows me affection in small ways that lets me know that he cares.

He doesn’t push me to share things.
He knows that I’m healing and that there is a lot of problems.
But he still comes back and tells me that everything will be okay.

We all have problems and go through hard times.
But there is never an excuse for abuse.
You hurt me and killed the woman I was.
Now I have to try to heal and rebuild from the ashes.

I never expected to live this long.
I thought I would have sung my swan song.
I don't have a plan,
I don't even know who I am.

10 years ago all I wanted to be was dead.
Now I'm lost.
Searching for myself in others
But no one feels quite right.

There are similarities,
but my full self is not to be found anywhere.
She is hiding and evading me.

But the promise of a future,
Filled with children and a wonderful husband,
A family all of my own,
keeps me going.

And trying to be the best I can for them,
And future me.
Future me I might disappoint you at times,
But I won't give up on you.
It might take time to make my dream a reality
But we have a support system that can help us with anything
and if it wasn't for them we would have never made it this far.

Haven't felt your touch in days.
You don't know if you want this anymore.
Do you not want me anymore?
Do you not love me?

The cord that connected us is severed.
Its demolished,
Mangled,
Just gone.

It's not over but we aren't together.
Stuck in a weird limbo
Of are you still mine or are you looking for another?

I've always wanted you and I knew we were meant to be.
But now
I'm not so sure.
You have shaken my faith in love.

But I will love you even if you don't love me.
Call it hopeless love
But I believe in you,
In us,
And in our little family.

She gave herself entirely to him.
Bent over backward and twisted herself so tight
that she lost her breath.

He drifted to her and away again
just like the ocean kissing the sand.
With every new pair of lips,
hers gasped in tears.

With every new heart-pounding moment of love,
hers cracked and broke a little.

His return was almost a little too late always.
When he smiled at her with perfect teeth,
her head didn't hurt so much from all the tears.

His touch healed her broken emotions a fraction.
When he drifts away with her hands grasping for
a scrap of his shirt
and returns nothing
she becomes nothing herself.

Your eyes reflected the sparkles of Times Square.
"It's just like the movies."

Your whispered words were carried away
by the hustle and bustle of hundreds of
people just trying to make it

Cigarette smoke curled out from your opened mouth
As you gape at the people and the sights.

You studied the billboards and storefronts
As I studied your sloping nose
And square jaw.

You smiled and my heart sunk.
The city caught you and
wrapped you around its little finger.

Years later I stood in the same place,
Where you fell in love with the city.
Smoke, grime, and garbage still
littered the ground.

City lights ****** you up
and spit you back out.
I found you at a corner
not far from Times Square.

*****, tired and broke
You chuckled and simply told me,
"This is New York, baby.
Everyone loses and wins
But this is where my heart belongs."

I nodded because
Even the things we love most
Hurts us and spits us out.

Chattering, bouncy, bright-eyed
That is how I was as a child
with anyone I met,
even perfect strangers.

13 was the year I killed myself.
Ripped my heart out
and rearrange my emotions
Along with my thoughts.

It happened again at 16
Then also at 17, 18, 19 and 20.

I ripped my bones out and tore my DNA
apart.
I scrubbed myself clean with bleach
And rewired me.

Now I'm reserved, still, and dead-eyed.
Recoil and avoid even the briefest of touches
With strangers.

Every time I killed myself,
I was reborn and more wary of things.
Today I am alive
because I killed myself
So many times.

Time went slowly by
And yet oh so quickly.
It crawled and flew.

It has been years,
Yet here I am.
In my familiar, safe space
Of words and music.

To much time has past.
Many things have happened
And changed.

*But I have come back. I missed you

The warm wood reflects
The sunlight streaming in from the windows.
Every corner is lit with warmth
And happiness.
Yet here I am.
Sitting underneath blankets,
With darkness swirling within me.
Darkness so black, no light can pierce it.
Sadness and loneliness fills me.
I just need someone to understand.
But no one does.
So throw on a smile dear and act normal.
No one will know the difference anyway.

I've been here for five days now.
Five days in this white walled, roomy apartment
With my other half.
Four nights we slept together.
When I go home, everything will change.
No more random kissing,
Or bass playing,
Or random I love you's,
Or even hearing his voice mumble
Some silly thing as we lay in bed.
We may sit in silence for a while,
While he works but it doesn't matter to me.
Just being near him is beyond good enough for me.
It feels like my heart will burst from
All of the love I have for him.
Tomorrow I go home.
It will be extraordinarily difficult
For me to leave him.
He will be in an another state
And an hour away.
Yet every single second with him,
I'm so grateful for.
Even when we do nothing, I'm grateful for it.
I'd rather do nothing with him
Than with someone else.

I'm a suicide risk with a slim chance of recovery.

I messed up.
Really badly.
I ****** up.
I'm sorry.

My heart is tearing itself apart.
I hate myself for hurting you.
I feel pure hatred for myself.
I deserve death for hurting you.
I'm so sorry.

You mean the world to me.
I don't know what I would do without you.
You being mad at me, hurts more than I ever thought possible.
I'm so, so sorry.

Sorry won't fix it
I know.
Its all I can for now.
Its a horrible thing to say but its all I have.
I'm so, so, sorry.

You said that you were drawn to me,
Like a magnet.
I was surprised by this.  
Because I feel exactly the same.
We are two magnets being
Drawn together.
And the attraction is
Getting *stronger.

Only three months are left
Until graduation.
I am so scared.
I don't care if I fail all of my classes,
I don't care about how I look,
And I most certainly don't care about how other people view me.
But in three months,
You will be gone.
I'm so scared of it.
You are my best friend.
I love you dearly.
I'm trying to memorize every part of you
So when you leave I'll still remember you.
I remember every odd, quirky thing
That you told me about yourself.
I remember how you were always there for me
And you never gave up on me,
Even when you saw me at my lowest.
I remember all of those weird and crazy conversations,
We would have at midnight.
You are the smartest, most wonderful,
Kind, funny, patient and geeky man
That I know.
In three months, you will be at boot camp
And I'll be in this small town,
Where nothing changes and everyone talks about each other.
You'll be excited to start your new life
As a Nuclear Engineer  
And I'll become a distant memory.
That is what I'm scared of.
I don't want you to forget me.
Even though you once told me
That I am an amazing and a unforgettable person,
I'm so worried that you will forget me.
But this is your dream job
And I fully support it.
You will be under the sea, powering a submarine
And I'll probably be working in some
Dim, dull, dusty restaurant on the main street.
*Good luck, my astronaut man.

"You can't let someone in a bit and then slam the door closed."
I said to you.
I was frustrated with you.
Because once again you started to tell me
What was wrong and
Then you closed me out.
Said it was nothing.
Then a few hours later
You said, "Do you have any questions for me?"
I stared at my phone in confusion.
"I'm a open book."
Yet again this confused me.
Then the next day you said it again.
I think you took what I said to heart.
You actually started to let me in.
Right now you have told me more about
Your day than you have ever had before.
I just want to know,
Why the sudden change?

I'm really happy today.
For the first time in a long time, I don't have to fake being happy.
Early morning rehearsal woke me up
And put me in a good mood.
In choir we sang in Latin,
Which is my absolute favorite language.
In Trig I got all the answers right.
I'm leaving my 7th mod
To go to a blood drive.
That means I get to miss my last two classes of the day.
I really dislike those classes
So this is a plus for me.
I'm so happy and I'm not sure why.
Does it matter why?
No it doesn't!
I'm not going to let anything stop my good mood.
Not myself.
Not negative people.
Not even negative thoughts can bring me down.
This is my first really good day in a while
And I am so thankful for it.

"If you haven't noticed yet I'm hardly ever okay."

"I know but I don't care."

"What do you mean you don't care?"

"I don't care that you are almost never okay. I just want you to get better."

"I know I'm trying."

"I care about you so I want you to get better."

"I know."

Trig class.
Oh no, please no.
I dread you to much.
Heart pounding, fear increasing.
I cannot do this. Why did I take this class?
Math has never been my strong suit.
Why am I so stupid?
I don't think I will pass this class.
This is to much stress for me to deal with.
I cannot handle much more of this.

We spent weeks laying in bed,
Staring into each other's eyes
And fingers intertwined.

The moon and sun chased each other
Over my house.
Sunlight slowly turned into moonlight
And then back to sunlight.

We softly whispered our secrets
And let out everything that made out hearts ache.

Your long, dark eyelashes
Were beautiful to me.
Your brown eyes had flecks
Of warm gold.

Your nose was a ski *****
And I loved to run my finger down it.
Your sharp cheekbones
Were the most interesting at three in the afternoon.

That was when the sun would
Perfectly hit your face
And make the most pretty shadows on your face.

My favorite bit about you
Will always be your lips.
The words tumbled out
Slowly and garbled
After you first woke up.

Yet when you said my name
...
Well I can't really describe it.
My name on your lips
Was my absolute favorite sound in the world.

Well, darling you have been gone for so long.
You left me and the beautiful earth.
I still listen to our records
And watch our favorite movies.

But it is alright
Because tonight I'll see you in my dreams.
As you always said,
"Even if we are apart, we'll still have each other in our dreams."

You were magnificent.
Everyone saw danger in
Black jeans with ink black boots
But I saw a handsome mystery.

People said that you were begging
For trouble and that you were
Going no where fast.

My friends said that you would break my heart
And lead me down a path that
Ended in a not so nice place.

You were my first love.
I remember the smell of
Cigarettes and alcohol clinging to you.

You were my first drug.
I injected myself with your presence
And gulped down your lies
Like the cheap beer we bought.

One midnight I creeped out
To meet you at that bar
Where no one in their right mind
Would go.

Smoke was heavy in the air
And *** was going on in dark corners.
Alcohol flowed freely and showed no sign of stopping.
It was there that we kissed.

Two turbulent years later
We had moved up to that section of the woods
Where people got high.
You stared at the stars but
You seemed to see through them.

It was there that I said,
"I love you."
Those little words danced on the wind
And quietly entered your ear.

At first you didn't do anything
Then you slowly moved your face
Towards mine.

The moonlight shone down and
The stars were on fire,
They were so bright.

You stared at me.
No, through me.
In that moment I realized something.

Everyone was right.
You were trouble,
On the fast track to no where,
And danger in black jeans.

My heart shattered to pieces.
I left you
And that dark path that you led me down.

Even now as I lay in bed,
Aching for your touch
I regret nothing.

You are still magnificent.
My drug in black jeans with matching boots.
My handsome,
Handsome
Mystery.

It is quiet here.
No voices,
No noises.
The silence swirls around,
It fills me.
The smell of damp wood
Mixed with soil
Fills my nose.
Stiff clothing is what I wear.
Hands clasped together,
Never parting.
My companions are also like me.
Dressed to impress
But not going anywhere soon.
My wooden box,
My comfort.
If you need me,
I shall be in my final home.

Every glance,
Every smirk,
Every joke
I fall deeper.
You are a black hole,
Slowly but surely drawing me to you.
At first I tried to claw my way out of this hole.
Yet you are like the unconscious
And I am the conscious.
I eventually slip away and you take over.
You have wormed your way
Into my life,
Into my thoughts,
Into heart.
I don't know how this happened
But my dear I implore you
Never leave.