they always ask
"why regret something you once wanted?"
but if I had known
what I know now
I never would have wanted it
in the first place

learn
   to
     forgive
      





















y o u r s e l f,
      First

I could be rioting the abominations
Of homophobia and sexism.
Being an activist.
Helping changes occur.
Doing good for myself, my friends, the whole country.

And I'm here.
Studying rocks under a microscope
To fill a ******* lab requirement.
Doing psychology research.
WHICH MAKES NO SENSE BECAUSE I AM A MATH MAJOR.
Waking up every morning with more debt on my shoulders.

I could be out saving lives,
Or seeing the world
Or starting a family
Or creating things that bring people joy
Or making people happy
Or making changes.

And I'm here.
Picking a career field that will make me a lot of money
For the soul purpose of paying off my two hundred thousand dollars in student loans.
I didn't realize I had other options when I started school.
But I am in so financially deep right now
That I literally have NO other options.
This is how they get you, kids.
Don't follow in my footsteps.
Because you'll ******* hate your life.

it has been four months
one week
one day
and five and half hours
since the last time
I saw you
I hugged you good bye
you tugged gently at my bright blue sweatshirt
I imagined that to be your plea for me to stay
You said "I'll talk to you"
I held back tears
as I climbed into a car filled with unapproving stares
I spent twelve hours on a bus
thinking that what went wrong was
disastrous
but that what went right was
magical
I spent the next
four months
one week
one day
and five and a half hours
trying not to.

If I pinned you against the wall
and slipped my tongue
into places unknown
would you let me
discover your
truths?

Im sorry if I'm too forward.
i do not only want your body,
i want your heart and your soul.
i want your mind and the way it
thinks so feverishly about details.
i want the heart that speaks
through your tongue.
i love the articulate words you choose
to speak, they keep my head
in the dictionary constantly.
and i want your soul,
you belong in the 1960's
but instead you're here with me.
and that, my dear, makes everything
about this worth while.

trust me, its a bit ****.
the way my hand falls gracefully to your bottom
and how you do not flinch away.
its not even a thought anymore...
its just natural.

you are a beautiful, natural thing, my dear.
every single part of us feels right.
and thats why i haven't run
away yet.

the thing about it
about pain
is that it is most important
romantic even
Without it, it feels as though something is missing
And with it, it at least feels like something