5 years ago today
I let myself go
Unraveled her
To cling onto you
Heart beats like butterfly wings
Fluttering through the night
Simply from a confession
That quenched my internal starvation
I couldn’t believe I could finally feast
Couldn’t believe my eyes

Branded that validation
Hot wired my heart strings to your rhythm
To that one word
That forever remains
Even though you changed

Now I’ve changed
And you’ve stayed the same
Nothing but indecisiveness running in your brain
Nothing but words that stained a clear frame
Tainted and tarnished but art all the same
Of an almost was because you messed it all up

I knew i wasn’t enough for years
But you never diminished those fears
You reinforced them time and time again
I could fall at your knees
And you’d look past me
Simply because she was there
You just didn’t care

I watch you now fall apart
Because she’s wrapped in diamonds
All you have is string
How does that sting?
You lost the one you’d risk it all for
I watched you walk out the door
Begging to give you even more

Reminiscent on a night that’s a tattooed date
Although our fate didn’t align
I regret that wasted time
On an almost was
Not even a what used to be

A different headspace of validation
That ended in confusion and frustration
Because you couldn’t commit
I’ve closed up my walls with superglue
Im scared to encounter another you
So I quarantine

I wish her well
Down the well she falls
Hits the emptiness of stone
She’s all alone

She’ll find a way out
Screams and shouts aren’t loud
Her silence speaks volumes
Self conversation that leads her to a ladder
To save herself from her demons of worthlessness

I’ve seen her,
That’s me.

I wish someone told me

How much it would hurt
How revenge just makes you feel worse
Don’t act on behalf of their curse
No matter how tempted you are
Turning a page will take you so far
Despite the fact that you’re falling apart

I wish someone told me
To be your best friend
All you have at the end of the day is yourself
The best version of you is your most authentic self
Simplicity is not boring
Extravagance doesn’t have to be flashy

Reminded to sit back and watch
While their wheels fall off
This carousel ride will soon subside
Their highs don’t have to make you feel inferior
And your highs don’t make you superior
Based on differently driven ambitions

Ride on your own wavelength
No two are in sync
Sometimes your relationship will sink
Who cares what people think
You owe it to yourself to be honest
Don’t be someone else

Focus on yourself
And the rest will fall into place.

to be disregarded
disgruntled & frustrated by unmade calls
that ultimately lead me to question it all
as to why rampant & random generosity
is nothing but disingenuous ideals of guilt
that you spilled milk without my knowledge
and I’m the one left to clean up the spill

if looks could ****
you’d be paying my bills
prior obligations that you made
are nothing but a rain check presaved
to confide in me for your uninvited needs
now you’re the one watering the seeds

a missed named compliment
that looking back I want to stomp all over it
nothing but a back up plan for every plan
that ever falls through
contemplating youth and underestimated souls
that break when they get old
that cry when they’re told lies
about how they make the world reach a new high

so overly tempted to say goodbye
to everyone I’ve ever come into contact with
those I used to know
broke my heart
reparations made
surgeries made that hang by stitch strings
cut and resewed to be made better
supplies that falters through my fingers
needles that ***** my skin
bandaid wounds and it seeps through

i get neglectful
but it just feels disrespectful
never needed those around me
but I know it’s because I’m lonely
i frequently doubt myself
confide in no one else
broken promises that are nothing but meaningless vows
you reap what you sow
so maybe you should just go.

you’ll never know who I turned out to be
you’ll never know what you meant to me
that’s an unfortunate fate
You had your mind made up
I just wish you chose to stay

ill never trust another
forever you carry the bones
to a version of myself I no longer own
a gift exchange
fallen out of place
nothing but ashes and dust
chain linked bond that has broken and rusted
you carry my bones
you still own me somehow
even though you don’t know me now

my cadaver & your dagger words
you’ll never know how much it still hurts
you yell at me for bleeding
but why aren’t you the one seeing
that repeating cycles make for difficult healing

watching it explode
your volcanic toxicity erupts all the time
my patience disintegrates
what an unfortunate fate
i guess that’s why you walked away…

-a.n.c

Hydrangeas bloom
And so did you
Brown eyes and caramel skin
Sweet like candy
You pull me in
Playful fights that id never let you win
Sporadic moonlights
constellations reflecting on our picnic blanket
Honeymoon phase came and went
Journey to wedded planets
We’d never land in time
Craters filled us both
Dug ourselves holes
No matter how far we’d climb
We’d slide back down
Far too deep this time
Foreign grounds that cradle the earth
A blessing of our territory
But forever a curse
Carrying your love deep within me
To birth our love of eternity
For her eyes will reflect the moon
And her hair will twinkle like stars
Her lips will speak the truth
And her heart will take her far
Finally we’ve sealed an embodiment of our feels
As she stares into our souls,
Symbolizing the baby one day we will hold.

Rusty shower heads
Broken queen bed
Remembering all the words you never said
Calla Lilies kiss the garden
As they dance with the wind in the crystal air
Three day old ripped jeans sleeping on the floor,
Too tired to put them in the laundry the night before
Writing and rewriting all laid up in bed
Saying good morning to the rising sun
My lips still reflect those kisses that came and went
And the burnt cigarette you ****** the life out of
Her broken body you inhaled too harshly
Broke her into two,
Reopen your pack and light a new one as you tend to do
You treat your smoke sticks ‘
Just like you treat your girls
Dress them up with smoky white pearls
And inhale the sweet scent and heavy aroma of greyed out lungs
You dump her out into the ashtray when she’s got nothing left to say
Crush her dreams like you crushed me
And there you go again,
Lighting a new one once again,
Sleeping with another soul you haven’t yet touched
Love her too much til you’ve had enough,
There you go again,
The cycle never ends

the year 2004
it was story time on the kindergarten carpet
chrysanthemum,
the story of a little mouse who struggled to accept her name
the kids bullied her for her rarity
she was a walking target
at five years old i resonated with this mouse,
trying to find acceptance in her academic house,
looking back now,
i realize this book got me through life,
understanding how to accept my rarity,
to never seek validation from others who are destined to misunderstand me,
those who love me will guard my back,
she never turned back after that,
and neither did I.

the flower of my birth month,
covered in a multitude of delicate petals,
the many aspects of my existence
each compartment make up my spirit
and that was it,
i was made up of too many petals,
people couldn’t settle to dissect my being
for they couldn’t comprehend what they were seeing,
and forever now believing
they weren’t meant to perceive me.