I’m speechless.

You knew me better than anyone,
The damage is done,
A skeleton is all that remains of our broken bond,
It’s been a long time and I struggle to move on,
You knew my heart and who I wanted to be,
Inside jokes that we’d recite on the daily,
Dreaming about our futures and babies,
Sleepovers at my place,
Memories that I’ve scratched out and erased,
We talked about being maid of honors at each other’s weddings,
But that’s not where we were heading,

I come across old pictures sometimes,
Although we’ve drifted apart,
Those are moments frozen in time,
Even when the people in them change inside
Even when the smiles have faded away,
They’ll always stay in place

I wanted to help you,
Everything I did for you was because I wanted to,
I just wanted you to be happy too,
We made sure the bill was paid,
We made sure you got home okay,
Before we drove away
Treated you like family
But maybe that wasn’t enough,
At the end of it all,
Ashes and dust

When you succeeded,
I was on the sidelines cheering for you,
When it was my turn in the driver's seat,
You were the first one to kick your feet,
When I had some of the best nights of my life,
You made me feel like they weren’t worth your time
To express my happiness,
I was on cloud nine,
But other things were on your mind,
Uninvited ignited a spark in you,
Words lashed out online,
Threw a fork in my spine

Confrontation was a root canal,
Tiptoeing around potholes in the ground,
The humiliation started getting too loud,
But there you were turning up the sound,
For my interests I wasn’t allowed to be proud,
I loosened my grip for what was coming around

There we stood,
Facing one another,
Realizing this was the last time we would talk to each other
Nothing more left to be said,
But now I found the words to express how much it hurt.

I was angry for a long time,
Pain and malice in the words I wrote,
In the way that I spoke
Three years time I’ve grown,
Understanding now that we needed to break apart
In order to evolve into our own

I know we both had our faults,
Bottle up my brokenness,
Store it in a vault,
I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you,
It was never my intention to,
I’m sorry if I’m not what you needed at that time,
Maybe it wasn’t my place
To try and change your piece of mind,
I just wanted to show you the light,
But I understand you took control of your own life,
Did what you felt was right,
With that,
You became who you said you’d never be,
And that was hard for me to digest,
I just wanted the best for you,
But I also had to do what was best for me too,
So i let you go-

I hope you’re alright
wherever you are in life,
If you’re stuck in the dark,
I promise you’ll find the light,
Although things are different,
My heart remains the same,
I hope you still write and use your lyrical flame,
If you ever needed me,
I’m always just one call away.

Hydrangeas bloom
And so did you
Brown eyes and caramel skin
Sweet like candy
You pull me in
Playful fights that id never let you win
Sporadic moonlights
constellations reflecting on our picnic blanket
Honeymoon phase came and went
Journey to wedded planets
We’d never land in time
Craters filled us both
Dug ourselves holes
No matter how far we’d climb
We’d slide back down
Far too deep this time
Foreign grounds that cradle the earth
A blessing of our territory
But forever a curse
Carrying your love deep within me
To birth our love of eternity
For her eyes will reflect the moon
And her hair will twinkle like stars
Her lips will speak the truth
And her heart will take her far
Finally we’ve sealed an embodiment of our feels
As she stares into our souls,
Symbolizing the baby one day we will hold.

waterfall tears
irrational fears
broken mirrors,
destined to suffer
at the hands of another
unworthy
undeserving of all the beauty of life
living a lie
infinite clock of mine

they tell me to never settle
yet i need to win that gold medal
A prize for male attention
picked the wrong flowers to shower with love,
as i fulfilled their needs,
they died on me.

never stopped trying to understand their passing
and everyday i keep on asking
What did I do wrong?
on their last petals
i was still willing to settle
to be loved by beauty
my responsibility to water their seeds
they couldn’t replenish me

grew my own seeds
to learn to love me,
slowly revived my being
proud at who I’m seeing
an undeniable feeling of love
that i wish i knew sooner,
she fits like a glove

love my smile and my dad’s eyes,
my heart gets me in trouble but that’s alright
my infectious laugh that sets the room on fire
Passionate with a burning desire
my body that continues to bloom,
never perfect, always me
but I’m proud of what I see.

Rusty shower heads
Broken queen bed
Remembering all the words you never said
Calla Lilies kiss the garden
As they dance with the wind in the crystal air
Three day old ripped jeans sleeping on the floor,
Too tired to put them in the laundry the night before
Writing and rewriting all laid up in bed
Saying good morning to the rising sun
My lips still reflect those kisses that came and went
And the burnt cigarette you ****** the life out of
Her broken body you inhaled too harshly
Broke her into two,
Reopen your pack and light a new one as you tend to do
You treat your smoke sticks ‘
Just like you treat your girls
Dress them up with smoky white pearls
And inhale the sweet scent and heavy aroma of greyed out lungs
You dump her out into the ashtray when she’s got nothing left to say
Crush her dreams like you crushed me
And there you go again,
Lighting a new one once again,
Sleeping with another soul you haven’t yet touched
Love her too much til you’ve had enough,
There you go again,
The cycle never ends

5 years ago today
I let myself go
Unraveled her
To cling onto you
Heart beats like butterfly wings
Fluttering through the night
Simply from a confession
That quenched my internal starvation
I couldn’t believe I could finally feast
Couldn’t believe my eyes

Branded that validation
Hot wired my heart strings to your rhythm
To that one word
That forever remains
Even though you changed

Now I’ve changed
And you’ve stayed the same
Nothing but indecisiveness running in your brain
Nothing but words that stained a clear frame
Tainted and tarnished but art all the same
Of an almost was because you messed it all up

I knew i wasn’t enough for years
But you never diminished those fears
You reinforced them time and time again
I could fall at your knees
And you’d look past me
Simply because she was there
You just didn’t care

I watch you now fall apart
Because she’s wrapped in diamonds
All you have is string
How does that sting?
You lost the one you’d risk it all for
I watched you walk out the door
Begging to give you even more

Reminiscent on a night that’s a tattooed date
Although our fate didn’t align
I regret that wasted time
On an almost was
Not even a what used to be

A different headspace of validation
That ended in confusion and frustration
Because you couldn’t commit
I’ve closed up my walls with superglue
Im scared to encounter another you
So I quarantine

I wish her well
Down the well she falls
Hits the emptiness of stone
She’s all alone

She’ll find a way out
Screams and shouts aren’t loud
Her silence speaks volumes
Self conversation that leads her to a ladder
To save herself from her demons of worthlessness

I’ve seen her,
That’s me.

I’m gifted in many ways
but not enough to get you to stay
play me like a board game
because that’s your bored game
don’t look at you the same
the matchbox is stricken down to the cardboard
halved matchsticks by force
you’ve completed all of your chores
revealed cards for a hopeless fate
understanding a misunderstanding
leftover from baggage claim
im the punching bag at your aim
knock me out and you’ve won,
game over.

to be disregarded
disgruntled & frustrated by unmade calls
that ultimately lead me to question it all
as to why rampant & random generosity
is nothing but disingenuous ideals of guilt
that you spilled milk without my knowledge
and I’m the one left to clean up the spill

if looks could ****
you’d be paying my bills
prior obligations that you made
are nothing but a rain check presaved
to confide in me for your uninvited needs
now you’re the one watering the seeds

a missed named compliment
that looking back I want to stomp all over it
nothing but a back up plan for every plan
that ever falls through
contemplating youth and underestimated souls
that break when they get old
that cry when they’re told lies
about how they make the world reach a new high

so overly tempted to say goodbye
to everyone I’ve ever come into contact with
those I used to know
broke my heart
reparations made
surgeries made that hang by stitch strings
cut and resewed to be made better
supplies that falters through my fingers
needles that ***** my skin
bandaid wounds and it seeps through

i get neglectful
but it just feels disrespectful
never needed those around me
but I know it’s because I’m lonely
i frequently doubt myself
confide in no one else
broken promises that are nothing but meaningless vows
you reap what you sow
so maybe you should just go.

You were never mine
No matter how hard I tried
I held on for way too long,
Thought I belonged to you
I used to believe you were the one
Even when you were gone
Made promises we couldn’t keep
At least I still see you when I sleep
But even in my dreams you disappoint me.

bed sheets,
Once all tidy and neat,
Five bottles of wine,
Downed on a hot August night,
One too many plastic red solos
One too many refills later,
She calls your name and leads you to me,
There we were
Intoxicated sleep.

Into deep at 12:13,
3:17
Waking up thinking it’s all a dream,
I feared your absence,
But there you were next to me
I believed it was meant to be,
But what I didn’t see was that
You played pretend because
The next morning we were at square one all over again.

Messy bed sheets,
No longer tidy and neat,
Refusing to touch your imperfect silhouette
The trace of you to never leave my bed

Wine corks and empty bottles on the counter
I rewind that encounter
Couch pillows on the floor,
A personal moment I could never ignore,
But somehow you did
Let it wash out on the shore,
Cleansing your mind of an unwanted memory,
I can just say we slept like two bodies in a cemetery
Dead inside yet side by side

veins of poetry,
fluid like blood,
microphone existence
pull the plug,
reciting lyrical lines
during desert times

poetry is the vow
i compose
when they all walk away

tumbleweeds in my throat
personal declarations
informal confrontations
that help decompose inferno conversations

mirrored reflections
that shadow inflection
blood in my veins

poetry
the stitches that heal all the pain.

the year 2004
it was story time on the kindergarten carpet
chrysanthemum,
the story of a little mouse who struggled to accept her name
the kids bullied her for her rarity
she was a walking target
at five years old i resonated with this mouse,
trying to find acceptance in her academic house,
looking back now,
i realize this book got me through life,
understanding how to accept my rarity,
to never seek validation from others who are destined to misunderstand me,
those who love me will guard my back,
she never turned back after that,
and neither did I.

the flower of my birth month,
covered in a multitude of delicate petals,
the many aspects of my existence
each compartment make up my spirit
and that was it,
i was made up of too many petals,
people couldn’t settle to dissect my being
for they couldn’t comprehend what they were seeing,
and forever now believing
they weren’t meant to perceive me.

i give and give and give and give
and somehow im still empty,
think somehow it’ll fill me whole
but there’s still a hole
violet vases that have cracked the code
dead peonies that once spoke to me
dried up words that won’t quench my thirst
rose thorns that pierce my fingertips
bite them at the stem
wont let them slip
love gems where i spend my time
treasure chest of unhealthy unrest
my most prized possession.

I wish someone told me

How much it would hurt
How revenge just makes you feel worse
Don’t act on behalf of their curse
No matter how tempted you are
Turning a page will take you so far
Despite the fact that you’re falling apart

I wish someone told me
To be your best friend
All you have at the end of the day is yourself
The best version of you is your most authentic self
Simplicity is not boring
Extravagance doesn’t have to be flashy

Reminded to sit back and watch
While their wheels fall off
This carousel ride will soon subside
Their highs don’t have to make you feel inferior
And your highs don’t make you superior
Based on differently driven ambitions

Ride on your own wavelength
No two are in sync
Sometimes your relationship will sink
Who cares what people think
You owe it to yourself to be honest
Don’t be someone else

Focus on yourself
And the rest will fall into place.

ventriloquism
invasion echoes my voice
i was forced
never granted a choice

completely detached from reality
i won’t ever come to you,
I’m sorry
blinding lights pierce my eyes
aware of my skin and bones
but there’s no safe haven for me like home

life was meaningless
i serve no purpose
burdened others with my existence
the days felt like years
couldn’t clog the pipes to stop my tears
every fear reprimanded me my present

my heart is empty and my mind is heavy
i prayed for a mind reader
take a moment and stop
to connect the dots
but in their hearts i got lost
a message too complex to get across

a lifesaver
silent behavior
nothing but a passerby
they carry on with their lives


I wish I had a me in my life.

I remember the day when things shifted
I recall the moment when we drifted
Situations that I felt brought us closer
You’d draw an interception
You’d redeem yourself for someone else
Temporary fixes that rebuilt plastic bridges

Conversations you’d ignore
Breaking down your door
Trying to understand you to your core
Thought that’d make you want me more
Told you how hard it was for me to hide
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Like a tattoo with your name engraved

Paved the way for me to tiptoe toward love
Balloons tied to my heart strings,
Bring me back to earth with your words
Despite my feelings,
Stitched and stuffed with the ones that hurt

Ate at my being
That I wasn’t cut out for being believed in
Cuddled me when you were in need
Used me for your own sense of greed
Tore me at the seams,
Disintegrating all my dreams
Dripping from the palms of my hands
Waiting for you to face your feelings

I was my own type of crazy
Talked to the crowd,
I wasn’t proud of the way I stayed
They reinforced and validated
Every little instance I stated
Counting down the days
1460
days being played

But who’s keeping score?

you’ll never know who I turned out to be
you’ll never know what you meant to me
that’s an unfortunate fate
You had your mind made up
I just wish you chose to stay

ill never trust another
forever you carry the bones
to a version of myself I no longer own
a gift exchange
fallen out of place
nothing but ashes and dust
chain linked bond that has broken and rusted
you carry my bones
you still own me somehow
even though you don’t know me now

my cadaver & your dagger words
you’ll never know how much it still hurts
you yell at me for bleeding
but why aren’t you the one seeing
that repeating cycles make for difficult healing

watching it explode
your volcanic toxicity erupts all the time
my patience disintegrates
what an unfortunate fate
i guess that’s why you walked away…

-a.n.c

Even after the earthquakes,
I still try and understand why you shook me
Aftershocks of confusion and pain
Tsunamis flood my thinking cavity
A mass collection of redefined statements

Try to sympathize with your actions
I fail to fully comprehend
Why it began if it had to end
What point did it serve
If you swerve me like an uneven street curb
Speed off to avoid the consequences,
Of immature actions

Undeserved second chances,
Uninviting school dances
Jealous glances throughout endless occasions
Childish actions to get you back
Half hearts breaking deeper apart

My mouth cotton dry that November night
Hardest pill to cough up,
Regurgitated on the verge of tears
Rejection was my biggest fear,
It went through one ear and out the other

Maybe you didn't know
Maybe it wasn't intentional
Wasn't aware of your toxic potential
Awarding you your heartbreak credentials
You’re a professional

It's hard to sympathize when you saw my eyes
Hard to sympathize when you’re great at goodbyes
Hard to come to terms with a past failed spark
That does nothing more now than leave a hole in my heart
past afflictions that make my mind addictive

dramatic fantasies of you & I
my favorite film to watch
as the aftershocks take off.

Glasses clink,
Pile of dishes in the sink,
Wine glasses at the dinner table,

Fear knocks her glass over,
She’s unstable,
A room full of stares
She gets up and runs
She doesn’t return for the rest of the night

Anxiety shakes the table,
She's incapable,
A jet of waves flourishing from her knees,
Guests are threatening to leave

Doubt tries to get her to stop but fails in self-pity,

Nightmare cackles like a circus clown watching the comedown

Hurricane flips the table to cause a diversion,

Cloud cries over her cake falling to the ground,

Memory chokes herself, an impulsive collage

Society churns, boxing match within

They all promised to behave

Confidence, Wisdom, Peace and Liberty are disgusted,

They flee the scene and have yet to be seen

Perfect is devastated

Silverware is bent and rusted,

She just wanted one night to herself.