Why is it that at night the girl I turn into is a warrior, someone who will take nothing from anyone, who is full of confidence and sure of what she wants, who is the opposite of me, but during the daytime she decided to leave me? Where does she go?

I tighten the knot on
My tie
I brush the shoulders off
On my jacket
And rap to it
This interview should be better
Than the last one.
I'm hoping the manager
Will realize I've been a loyal
Safeway customer since
As long as I can remember
I swallow the pinball
In my throat
Hatched from
Nervousness
Or
Nervousity
Or
Nervousonification
Or, I don't know
I'm nervous.

For some reason he shuts
The blinds, this is more
Serious than I thought
I suppose.
I sit frozen in my chair
Like the Lincoln Memorial
Except I don't stand for anything.

I step out into the warmth of
The real world
I grab a brick and throw it
Through the front wall of glass
Protecting the grocery shoppers
From the sun
I stop over at the cafe
For a milkshake
Strawberry
I went to a different store
To get the laundry detergent
She told me to get
Because we had a coupon
But I forgot the coupon
So I just went home

It was a busy day today.

i'm not sure if i'm still jealous, or if i'm just overwhelmed with missing you every time you nod at me in passing.
2. my head is aching and i am shivering and i am thinking about when you used to let me wear your sweatshirt and scarf on cold days.  this winter has been colder than any of the winters i have known you for, and so have you.
3. you used to be mine in a way that was so hard to explain.  i wanted you to love me and i wanted to be your best friend.
4. i wanted you to tell people about me and i wanted you to tell me everything about you.
5. it is proven that second place hurts the most, and god how i am hurting watching her take first and watching her laugh at your jokes.
6. i remember every moment we spent together, so much that i think i scared you away with it all.
7. you are gone and i am stuck with all this stuff that i know, like your favorite musical and your brothers' stories and how you got your scar and how you feel about your mother.
8. your birthday will come again this summer and i will draft out a hundred texts, but i will not send them.
9. you're turning sixteen, and i am afraid the first place you'll drive will be to her.
10. i can't believe i'm losing you both to each other.
11. i had you first, and i am not good with jealousy at all.  i'm not good with loneliness either.
12. next time you see me, pretend not to notice how desperate i am for your love, and pretend you do not see the tears in my eyes when you walk away.
13. it really is the least you could do.

To be in your arms again would be the most satisfying mistake

the sweetest of all sins

And my chest fatigues at wanting the things I cannot have like crazy

Nowadays you look at me sparingly and with an exasperating fury I know must wear you out too

And I have heard nothing but barely there questions and cut throat silence from you
I am starting to believe that you really don't care anymore and I'm wondering, does that scare you as much as it scares me? Because I am shaking in my skin, in my bones, when you shoulder blades tense up at the mere fact of my existence.

Thinking of your gentle smile, of your chocolate eyes is the **** most poetic way I've known regret and self loathing. I remember how you and I used to melt into each other but nowadays it seems like you want me to melt into the cracks in the side walks, it seems like you want me to just simply dissolve into the pavement.
                                                       ­       to disappear.

You shake your head every time I dare open this mouth you once kissed and I know **** well that I'm still pretty funny. So If my humor hasn't changed, maybe your taste in opinions has.

And I don't really know what that means yet.

To be on your lips would be the most enjoyable movement of my downfall
And you have established of being text book definition bad for me.  
You could set fire to all the poetry I wrote of you with the remnants of your burning tongue.
We have already ran circles around our new routines, you sit on the opposite side of the room farthest from the aura of my perfume and I laugh almost every time desperately trying to numb the short tempered tightness in my chest that is too stubborn to ******* leave already. You hand her your jacket and I close my eyes, humming my new favorite songs, you hand her a whiteboard and I pretend I didn't just see that smile, I know that smile, I was that smile. I close my eyes and hum a different song.

I'm starting to believe that you really don't care anymore, and the sad part is that if I really want to move on I have accept that you aren't gonna say any kind words to me from now on.  You see after the apologizing, after the anger  works its way through you, and you get real tired of fighting, all you have left is sadness and burnt up words. And I've never thought of that as any version of beautiful so anything I say just sounds repetitive.  

I'm starting to believe that your never gonna care again, and that your gonna keep hating me from an uncomfortably safe distance, and I keep wondering If that scares you as much as it scares me.
I am not impervious to your words and I hear them from everyone you've demonized me to,


                                                              ­                             and they **burn.

my tears spread my makeup down my cheeks and leave messages for me in a language i wish i didn't speak.
they tell me that i am not good enough, never good enough.
i have gone a long time without crying for him but all it takes is one photograph and i am a victim of loneliness again, and again, and again.
i learned how to cry silently to myself when he moved to town, because that was right about the time i started losing all my friends,
and now everyone that i talked to is gone and i have a new group to eat lunch with but it is different and i am different.
there are 7,216,737,659 people in the world at this moment and he is with two and i am with zero but i cannot stop thinking about one.
out of all the cities, why did he come to ours?  there are only a hundred kids in every grade and so he was guaranteed to make a splash but i didn't know he was cannon balling into my blood, i thought it was just a pool.
but that's what sharks do, they smell blood, and when he came i was so desperate to be loved that i would have bled myself dry for his attention.
it took me four months to start betraying my friends for him, five to start telling him their secrets and now after fourteen he won't make eye contact with me because i got so attached to the idea of having somebody that i got too close and i got blood on his favorite shoes.
so maybe he's not a vampire, but he really *****.
the only thing you can count on him for is his inability to show up for things that matter to you.  he will let you down time and time again like he is a ski lift that only goes one way and like the mechanic has been too busy to get around to fixing him,
and i will keep riding that lift because the hill is steep and i am probably not a good skier anyways.
when he lets me down on nights like these, i often wish i could just wipe my own memory.
i have seen stories of girls who swim in shark infested water, and they always lose something important, like an arm, or a leg.
i just hope i don't lose him.

I let my lips meet yours
And my heart too
For every beat
And every breathe
Always belonged to you

sometimes when your wind is crying out to its lost lover, your sky looks yellow.
sometimes it's pink, and sometimes it's so black i can't see the snow outside the tiny window i look out of every night when i wish on a star.
i guess i'm wondering why.
i'm sure there's a scientific reason, but i've been falling asleep a lot in science class lately.
i think that i like to think you're feeling the same things i feel when i'm around you.
the weird part is, i don't even know exactly what those feelings are.
i mean, i'm obviously not happy. it doesn't take meeting up with you to know that.
i guess i just have a lot going on sometimes.  you can understand that, right? everything important happens at 3am.
it just isn't fair that i don't know what's going on, in me or you.
this is less of a love letter than i expected it to be.
i think it's more of a goodbye.
i don't think i should see you anymore.
here's where the love comes in-
i can't stay away from you. when your sky is yellow i am watching, and when it's pink, and black. i am watching as you fade away to a 4am and a new feeling and a new color, and i am watching when you come back.
you hold me when nobody else will, and you are there for me every night, even if it's only for an hour.
that's more than i get from anyone else.
who cares if i always leave you with a bad taste in my mouth and a tear-stained face, or that you've never said anything to me at all?
just sat, surrounding me with silence.
at least you have never told me you don't love me too.