Amir Jakupi: Favorites

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

Image

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

Annilda Esterhuysen

Image

My eyes saw a shadow of
you. I created my own image
in which good and wrong
cannot be distinguished. For a
brief moment that image
brought Happiness and
Contentment such as I have
never known. My soul was
captured by the light of Peace
And in that second of
fulfillment I became a whole
person again. My heart
overflowed with an unknown
passion and then . . .
My eyes saw an image of you,
but that image was a lie.

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

Mirror, Mirror ..............

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

Annilda Esterhuysen

Mirror, Mirror ..............

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
why did he cause me to fall?
Brokenhearted I’m standing here,
I try to cry, but there’s no tear.

My mind's a blur and all is lost,
I didn’t know this’d be the cost.
All twirls around, I’m in a daze.
My eyes a blur, my love a haze.

My feet are lost, my heart is dead.
Within his words I was misled.
So mirror, mirror on the wall.
Help me up, please hear my call.

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

walk

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

ve

walk

I passed by you in the halls,
I acted like you meant nothing to me
We walked beside each other for a brief moment
and there was nothing, no hand to hold, no hello
Just a side glance
How do we do that?
How do we pretend we don't know each other?

We've bared our all, our body, our soul, our mind, our spirit
You took away my spirit

We've seen it all,
all of each other

How do we do it?
I want to know

Today was supposed to be a special day...
The twenty-second
a date, the date

Today I feel vulnerable to my feelings, today I want to give up, today I want to run away from the pain you've caused and into the safety you've once given me... back into your arms but i can't

I don't know you,
you don't belong to me,
you're just another boy I pass in the hallway
*a stranger

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

frozen

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

ve

frozen

i feel like i'm numbing my feelings,
i got along fine before you,
but now...
i don't know what to do
i guess i was too reliant on your company,
you made me feel safe.

now i'm trying to get myself out there,
i can't do it.
i want to cry

you tore down my confidence and my self-esteem
you broke me
you took away what made me, me
i tried so hard before you to be content with life
and i was
...
being with you brought me back down

i gave you my all,
my love, my body, my soul
i let you in
and you gave up on me
i'm not worth it? hurting over a **** like you isn't
i put up with so much of your ****
all the **** time

i put up with all of it and i never let you go
i should've said this to you when i had the chance
being in front of you makes me freeze
i can't hurt you intentionally,
i know how it feels to be broken

what did i even mean to you?
how could you let go so fast?
out of an impulse??
over the phone?

you're not worth it,
you're the black dots of gum on the sidewalk,
****
i'm out of love with you,
i'm hurt
i don't understand
my friends say the reason for the break up shows up later on, just wait for it
he's not worth it, he's not worth it, he's not worth it, he's not worth it, he's not worth it, he's not worth it

all i ever did was love you, and you left.
all i ever wanted more of you when you started to slip
and you left
all i wanted was you
that's all i wanted
you, you, you

you turned me into this mess,
you made me bitter,
you never did enough to fix the small problems,
You apologized, but then you did it again
the last time we fought it was about communication, my fault
i was always the type to hold in my feelings,
but you gave up
you let me down and you could never bring me back up

my feet are cold, my heart is cold, my room is cold, i'm cold
just let me be *numb

i'm tired of the way my feelings affect my life, i don't want to wallow in misery.
i'll get over it, eventually.
hopefully, maybe.

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

goodnight my love

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

ve

goodnight my love

goodnight, goodbye
i'm leaving, i have already
i get stuck sometimes.. in my thoughts of you
i get lost again, and i cry and cry
it gets better- i stop

i know that the past has passed and there's nothing i can do
i miss you, i really do.
but
so many other people are out there
other boys can strike a chord in me
today i held another boys hand and felt him start to sweat
(wow. i can still make boys nervous?)
his hands were soft; opposite yours
all i knew of him was his name and his face
but i thought of the what ifs...
what if???

longing, i long for your affection but i shouldn't
you are not for me, you gave up
i'm not going to settle for a man that gives up and doesn't think i'm worth it
i'm moving forward and i'm dealing with my feelings

(you called me just now.... what a coincidence
then you hung up after 5 seconds, okay)

i hope one day you look back and regret it
but for now i repeat these three things in my head for when i start to miss you:
1. he gave up on me, it's not worth it
2. there's millions of other potatoes out there
3. it can only get better from here
i still wish it was you though

heavy eyes, with a heavier heart
i'll find someone to share my love with eventually
someone that wont throw away all my efforts
someone that wont leave me stranded downtown
someone that will love me for all my faults
someone i can talk to
i'm going to find you
who knows when
we'll find each other

but for now,
goodnight to the boy that crushed my heart and still has it

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

guitar strings

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

ve

guitar strings

Your fingers on your guitar strings,
Plays a song deep within me
Watching you play makes my heart ache for you
There's a missing piece of me, your spot
Where your supposed to be.
I love you, I still do
You tell me not to wait but you're my baby
you were my baby

Who are you now?
I don't know you
You look the same, you feel the same, you smell the same
But you're not the same
You're not the boy I fell in love with
My heart hurts, I want to hold on
I want to love you, I want you to love me
But I want you to want it
I'm not going to force you to love me
I'm not going to play silly games in efforts to swoon you

I want you, I don't need you
I cry for you every night, every couple of hours actually
You're still playing, it's been ten minutes

Now you're playing say it ain't so by Weezer
No
You can't do this, you're playing with my heartstrings

Strings
You're great at playing with

One last song
1957
Milo Greene

You strike another chord,
On your guitar and in me

I miss you

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

i'm going to kill you.. if i don't kill myself first

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

ve

i'm going to **** you.. if i don't **** myself first

you're undeserving of my attention
my love and my patience
do you have brain or does it live in your pants?
I shouldn't care
it's over
I want to hurt you, I want to make you feel like I do
I want to make you suffer
I can't move on, I still love you
I'm going to explode
implode?
implode

I'm going to implode
I hate you, why am I waiting
Maybe just one more week
and I'll let go
I need a distraction
A boy, a toy?
no, i can't hurt myself
You. I want to hurt you
just
you
you are what i want to destroy
or do i want to love you
I need to scream
I'm going to break

I don't need a boy
I want a man
You've wrecked me
I can't forgive you
I want to love you, then break you
i want to tear you into shreds
and leave
i want to make you feel my rage
...
make you ache
make you hurt
i hate you
i hate you
where is my sanity
help

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

Untitled

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

The Oddity

Untitled

"I've made a mistake."
"How so?" I asked.
"I've fallen for you."
"And how is that a mistake?"
"Because I've just given you the power to destroy me."

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

Can You Love A Broken Girl?

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

The Oddity

Can You Love A Broken Girl?

All I know is that some days I find myself curled up on the floor, eyes red, lips shaking, thinking that if I could, I would have given up on myself long ago.
So that is why I doubt you will love me. I cannot even love myself.

I must start off by saying I am a frustrating person.
You can swear I'm beautiful and that you'll never leave,
but I will not believe you.
Some days you will find me crying for no reason and think I am insane.
You are right.
I am a paradox. I am hot and cold, okay then shattered.
I am a roller-coaster ride, a wild, reckless soul with a heartbreaking past and demons in my mind.
Maybe I am looking for someone to save me, and maybe I am looking for someone to save. I haven't decided yet.
I am tied down by my fears and insecurities, plagued with bad memories that run through my mind every time someone says they love me.
How can you love a broken girl?
A girl who is not whole.
A girl who cannot even trust you because trusting always lead to heartbreak at the end of the day, feeling naive, played like a toy by the eyes of a beautiful boy.
A girl who is paranoid because she knows there are prettier, funnier, smarter, nicer girls, and she thinks she could never add up, and if you want only her, there must be some sorta catch.

And if you can get past these walls, break past the barriers I keep around to protect this damaged heart of mine, and you withstand every test I throw your way, if you stay even when I make you want to leave sometimes, just know that I will forever be yours, and I will hand over my battered heart in shaking hands, hoping it will be enough, hoping you will not break me even more.
We are two broken people, and together we will be whole.

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

nuit blanche

Oct 2013 Amir Jakupi

ve

nuit blanche

downtown Toronto
you left me there, last week
I walked expecting you to follow me, I didn't turn around
finally I turned, you were gone
I was lost,
stranded in a wave of people
looking for art

the drunk and high teens walking around for who knows what
causing ruckus and yelling wherever they went
you left me amongst the young and old artists
the photographers, writers, sculpters, you name it
you left me amongst the old lovers enjoying themselves
you left me amongst the smell of cigarettes, marijuana, **** and *****
and I can't believe it
you actually left

you left me on the corner of King and Yonge
I was lost, downtown Toronto
no where to go
I sat down on the curb of a hotel
A couple tried to help me
tried to get me somewhere safe
your hotel room?
no, absolutely not
she was hot, but that's illegal
I'm not legal
and I'm not dumb

I was scared and alone
is that what the homeless felt like?
I saw so many people walk by
no one with good intentions stopped
I didn't look homeless, I know that
kids stopped to stare at me and they'd tug on their parents clothes
...they kept walking

I had to reach out to my exboyfriend
I had to get him to meet with me again
He liked the packed streets of downtown
it's where he belongs
with that stupid skateboard he's left me for so many times
but it's his passion, I understand
He was in his nature, I was lost

"Meet up with me please, I'm scared
I don't know where I am"

I started walking
I had to ***
He found me

But it wasn't him anymore

He
Was
So
Cold

he screamed
"why did you leave me?"

true story
maybe I was the one who left