i feel like such an inconvenience to you
and i love it

i'd **** myself
if i wasn't so sure
you'd use her pain
to get to her

again

1) you're going to need to know how to stop slurring and how to walk straight. be able to say the alphabet backwards when you're even close to unconsciousness, know when to stop ******* driving.
2) sleep will be either the most evasive or clinging lover. when you are awake for six days, write. when you are about to sleep for two, make sure you are on your side.
3) when the money is gone, you need to learn how to leave your body when they enter it. eventually you won't be able to feel a thing. but know that when you're sober she touches you a year later, you won't be able to feel it.
4) ******* won't be as good as getting high. don't feel like a genius when you wake up and have that idea.
5) your lovers and friends will all be addicted. drugs will become the only **** or interesting thing to you. years later, you'll still crave the taste of opiates on her tongue.
6) some of them will die. you won't be able to cry.
7) instead, you will be completely numb for weeks and you won't be able to tell the difference between the dope and the pain.
8) the dope will eventually become the pain.
9) it will never **** the pain.
10) lose all self respect now. lose all timidness.
11) don't forget you will lose all freedom in your search for it.

I hate everything
Vicodin doesn't get me high
The under-wire of my bra is cold
Punk is never coming back
My parents hated me
Some books are hard to read
Cigarettes made Janis even better
I need a cigarette
Bleach smells terrible
People go to work with wet hair
Four people were murdered in my city
I have a rash on the inside of my elbow
She didn't want me back
Women have to shave
Pillow creases draw lines on my face
I want to go back to bed.

i wish you would ******* die
so i would have an excuse
to miss you

they had to watch you the first night you were there;
your body was shaking and your mind was strained
and the librium wasn't helping.
you sat with me the next day
and I examined your tall,
gangly frame.
your eyes were
the color of a lake in indiana.
you held the door for me
every time
and hid a photograph of your mother
in your plain black sock.
one day
you told me that the drugs
weren't to get high anymore,
they were to get normal.
you cried when I left
and i cried because you cared.
"i'll miss you!
love you"

9:23 i threw a piece of cake at my dad
9:40 i am trying to climb up the wall to the beat of *** drop by wiz khalifa
9:52 my girlfriend is asleep so im just ******* to ****
9:54 i can't get off so i start singing *** drop by wiz khalifa very loudly
9:56 my dad yelled at me for singing
10:15 the whole kitchen is clean now and i run back upstairs
10:19 exchange with my mom goes really bad we are mad at each other now
10:21 slamming my door shut three times because the wall shook really hard the first time
10:45 and no one is awake and no one is talking to me and i am alone


3:45 i am watching intervention and sobbing because the alcoholic socialite is more beautiful than i will ever be
3:58 google search: ptsd flashback racing thoughts grounding skills creative
4:00 surprise surprise the internet has disappointed me i can't breathe
4:12 i'm writing a poem about bipolar disorder because at least maybe it'll get me some attention

THE SMELL OF YOUR HAIR MAKES ME WANT TO VO
MIT BUT THEN AGAIN SO DOES EVERYTHING. IF I BRE
ATHE IN ANY MORE OF THIS FILTERED AIR MY BILE W
ILL COVER THE CARPET. AT TWO IN THE MORNING I W
ONDER IF THE PORTLY MAN WHO ORDERED A SALAD
THAT HE DIDN'T REALLY WANT AT MCDONALD'S COU
LD TELL THAT THE GIRL HE ASKED TO SUPERSIZE HIS F
RIES PERFECTLY RESEMBLED A TEACUP WITH A CRACK
JUST BIG ENOUGH TO LET YOUR PRETENTIOUS ******
G BLACK COFFEE SPILL THROUGH. SHE RAN HER HAN
D ACROSS THE STAR TATTOOS HIDDEN BEHIND HER EA
R BEFORE SHE HANDED HIM HIS CHANGE AND I WONDE
RED IF I COULD OFFER HER A CIGARETTE BEFORE THE GR
EY VAN THAT LOOKS LIKE CONCRETE COMES TO TAKE HER
BACK TO THE JAIL SHE RESIDES IN. MY SKIN IS TURNING
THE SAME COLOR GREY AS THAT VAN AND I AM SEEING
NEW VEINS IN MY ARM AND I AM A SLOUCHED WITHER
ING ENSEMBLE OF DECAY DESTINED TO DIE IN A POOL OF
***** AND BURIED IN THE VERY EARTH THAT KILLED ME

my head hurts
where am i
i smell like *****
...
not mine.
the walls are moving
but i can't hear anything.
took her away
the drugs took her away
ithought they were going to help me
you sadi they wer going to hel[ me
help me
where are you
are you with god
i wish i could see you
aire youi still beatuitful

**i miss you so much

waking up from nightmares
of waking up in a morgue,
i question if i really want to die.
but then each word
i hear feels
like a hot needle against my skin
and i sleep for hours
hoping to wake up
on that cold
metal
slab.

x rated thoughts invade my mind when i see you
but instead of thinking **** me
i want you to love me
i want you to make love to me
i want to hold you and tell you you're beautiful until you believe it
i am aching to kiss the small of your back
breathe words trying to express my feelings for you onto your bare skin
and i want you to know that every time you touch me
i'm giving you a piece of myself
take care of it
you're pulling me apart and i love it


i guess you make me emotionally *****

even when all you want
is to
trip
trip
trip
i want to catch you when you fall.

even when all  you crave are
needles
needles
needles
i still crave you.

even  when  all you feel
is
cold
cold
cold
you are still new to me.

even when you are gone
i love you.

i love you.

i am overcome with grief and guilt every time i wash my hands
because i do not know how much of you is left in the fine lines of my palms

n

one time
i was in the third grade
mrs. jernigan's class
i answered a question on the board
i dont remember the question but the answer was he'll
and i wrote it on the board w a smelly blue expo marker
and smiled so big when i walked back to my seat
trusting every person who told me i was smart
and everyone who said i was pretty
and then everyone
in mrs. jernigan's third grade class laughed
because instead of he'll,
the contraction that would grant me power and status
in mrs. jernigan's third grade class,
i had written
hell

and then the smelly little dude in front of me, keith,
turned around and said
"your ***** are too big
for your shirt"

I am a child of the sun
and it is night.

would you still love me if i wasn't soft and beautiful?

i hate feeling like i can't move my own mountains,
like i am waiting to hand someone else the shovel
or whatever the **** people use to move mountains.
i hate how much i hate my sweat,
i want it to pour, i want to drown in my stick and my stink
but instead i will smell like baby powder and cocoa butter kiss and va va vanilla.

my nails are short and a little bit yellow
i wear baseball tees and flannel and i can drink like a man

but my doors are still being opened,
old men still love me,
my mountains
are all still being moved
without me

there is no such thing as a candid romance,
just words and poses to make people want what you're pretending you've got.

you reek of sulphur, you always did.
the lone match found at the start of an arson.
an insult, a dare:
the embodiment of the phrase,
"make me."

she was so queer,
and looked like my lucky clear lighter;
i could watch the fuel run down
with each cigarette and firecracker lit.

there is no romance
just different ways to start fires.

i kissed nine people on the mouth last night
but i wish i'd been kissing you.
i danced for hours last night
until my feet were numb and my head was spinning.
i wish i had the courage to tell you
i'd much rather have been watching you.
so many people shared their physical
free love with me
but all i could think is "do you still love me?"
and with each beat of the pounding bass-line,
over and over i thought
*"please miss me"
"please miss me"
"please miss me"

cut me a line, tell me it's gonna be okay

hold me until i stop shaking
remind me to eat

cut me a line, lie to me and tell me you'll stay

pull your fingers through my hair
shake me awake, **** me to sleep

cut me a line, tell me i'm going to die

i find you slipping out of the ugliest parts of me
a scar on my thigh everyone thinks is from my dog but was really from your teeth (a different
kind
of beast)
how i can't explain to my parents why i can't go to the airport or the zoo anymore
the hot water that turns my skin pink (i can't feel a thing)
all my friends want to **** me and i let them

for a long time it seemed too easy to give you the blame
how could something that evil
stem from someone who kissed
so
softly?

maybe it was because my mom told me i looked **** when i wasn't even ten years old
maybe it was because my friend christopher told me when a boy kisses you you've won
maybe it was because you distracted me from being in love with someone of the wrong ***
maybe it was because i was too afraid to say no at first

really i know
it was just you

but
why?

It's two in the morning
and I'm lying in bed,
listening to the blues
and smoking.
You light up my phone:
"God, we could've been great."

The guitar weeps
and sings me ballads
of lovers lost.

With each exhale,
I hope to rid my system of you.

I will always decide which parts of me you are allowed to love.
Are you braver for hurting me or am I braver for letting you?
How many of my thoughts are free of muse; why can't I convince myself that my pain is profound?

I am my light, I am my savior
My ego feeds on *** and drugs
Fueling my archaic fluorescence,
Ephemeral guises of love and permanence.
My aberrant, absconding soul is always hungry.
This restlessness is eating away my passion.
I am floundering out, spinning to the ground
But even at rock bottom,
I am Technicolor.

my words foam up and come out in squeaks and stutters
and i always say all the wrong words
and embarrass you in front of your friends
my words are spat, not spoken when we're fighting and i'll say
anything anything anything
even if it is so cold and so acidic that my chest hurts
after it's left my throat
my words are too loud, too harsh, too demanding
empty promises snorted away
over and over again

your fingers tracing my thigh
and you look at me like you want to memorize every part

what a difference a year makes

you sneer at me from across the room
the only way people know we're together is when someone else tells them

i can't blame you for giving up on me
i can't blame you for falling out of love
i can't blame you for seeking comfort in someone else

i'm still here
and i'd do anything to be what you want again

my words don't mean
much of anything
anymore

Wow... she may not be innocent, but he is an absolute *******.
DON'T BURN ME!!! (continues grabbing at a burning cigarette)
pure ****** ***** !
I would've slapped the **** out of that ****
Burning someone with cigarettes is a terrible thing to do.
I'm glad there's a great big ******* ocean between me and these *******
you can't really expect anything less from such low-class people.
very classy.
Will they just have *** already?
close your legs....*****
he is just upset that she doesn't want to **** him

all the lightbulbs in the world won't keep me warm

the intricacy of lines on your palm won't save you from a ****** future

god is hiding in the bruises on their knees

eat me out and leave a husk

they drowned me in an ocean of ***** and blood

utopia lives in the space between never and again
and it screams to me louder than
cicadas at dusk
(nymphs
leaving
the chrysalis)

like ******* on her **** and letting it dry
or scrubbing the leaves on a fern
i can't tell if our meeting was
unintentional
or
unnecessary

either way,
your loss.

yeah, but you're not.

waking up next to a girl you don't love feels like
howling
waking up next to a girl you don't love feels like
hoping she doesn't leave her smell on your sheets
waking up next to a girl you don't love feels like
scrambling for your clothes the second you notice sunlight peeking through the blinds
waking up next to a girl you don't love feels like
washing your hands of the smell of her ****
waking up next to a girl you don't love feels like
brushing your teeth before you kiss her
waking up next to a girl you don't love feels like
******* in the morning is just as ***** as it was at night
waking up next to a girl you don't love feels like
howling
waking up next to a girl you don't love feels like
howling until your voice is hoarse and your mouth forgets how to form words

"it'd probably be really nice to be in love with you"

sure, but i'm not

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I love you and I thought you knew that.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

What happened to the plans we made?

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Your mother called me today.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

You never did your half of the dishes.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Thank you. For everything. I mean it.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Why would you do this to me?

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

*******. You took everything away from me! Everything!

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I'm sorry. Please come back.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

My sheets don't smell like you anymore.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Not even drugs make me happy anymore. You took everything. I hope you know that.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so ******* much.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I love you. I do. I always will. I promise. ****.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so much.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

Your sister is shutting off this phone and I don't know what I'll be able to do if I can't call you.

beep
beep
beep

Hey, it's me. You know what to do after the beep, so do it!

beep

I miss you so ******* much. I visited your grave today. I can't believe I've survived fifteen days without you.

beep
beep
beep

The number you have dialed is not in service. Please check the number and dial again. Good-bye.

beep beep beep*

I'll hear your voice again tomorrow. I love you. I'll see you soon.

****** knuckles ****** knuckles ****** knuckles

it's four am and my head is all tweezers in sockets and
fingers in throats and
never enough sleep

****** mary ****** mary ****** mary

come and take my eyes from their sockets
with a melon baller
and hold me till i'm not screaming anymore

****** nose ****** nose ****** nose

it's almost tolerable
that my bed is empty when my nostrils burn
and everything tastes like pills

red to the core;
the always bleeding girl.

All punching bags, blue razors, sports, meat;
men are fascinating when they gather.

What must it feel like to gain acceptance through *******?
Why do you wanna *** on my face?

There is no tenderness here,
there is no failure.

I love God, because She will always be soft lips,
wide hips and breast tissue,
She kisses me on the mouth after.

Your perfume is Diesel Brave Tattoo, the bottle is shaped like a fist,
and I saw your jaw clench when I called it perfume.


DON'T RELAX.
DON'T BE POLITE TO ME.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
DON'T TOUCH ME.

EAT MY *****.

once my teeth have all fallen out,
i will line them up like little bone tombstones,
and love my dentures more than
i will ever mourn my
flesh.

I am so alone that I am choking on it
so many people love me and nobody knows me;

fading tattoos on my body like an epitaph for my heart.

Littered in bruises from people I don't know
but
they might as well be from me.

It's still a better day than yesterday.

for two years
every day had a purpose:
get more ******.
weeks became punctuated with
Narcan in mcdonalds bathrooms
and breaking your ribs
trying to make you breathe again-
when my hands come down on your chest
i go back to the seventh grade
someone is explaining that birds' bones are hollow because they were born to fly-

why is there such sick pleasure in this?
it was never as simple as wanting to get high-
first day: i can't think of the baby that died I need to get high
second day: I can't think about the boy that ***** me I need to get high
over and over and over
we would make love on the ******,
forgive our faults as soon as we found a vein
sharing a needle, you've been deeper inside of me than anyone-

i'm sober now. moved thirty miles north.
they took you away from me and the ******
my days aren't marked with purpose anymore
it's been fourteen days since I finally thought of the child I'm still scared to mourn
and the boy whose name I am too scared to whisper when I am alone

I have not left my house in fourteen days
and i can't breathe deeply;
I broke my rib on day one

over-sexed middle aged housewife
parisian waif extinguisher 
net kid superstar 
lover of latino boys and tall girls

the first night we kissed
I was keeping track of how many people i tasted 
and I always said you counted
as a lot more than just one

Sometimes
I get scared
that maybe
I don't like
the things that I like.

That my yearning
to be liked
has caused me
to lie to
myself.

The scary part is
I don't know
if I'm right or wrong.

"sit on my lap, grind on me, let me kiss your neck"
"i think maybe we could make each other happy"
"how much"
"you aint a car ** ma, i wanna lay you down in a bed"
"with your hands on me, im more than okay"
"i could write poems about you. i won't, but i could"
"i miss my delicious little girl"
"how much"
"i have pills for you baby"
"this is my first ****** in front of someone"
"i dont love you but i wish i did. i wish i did."
"you taste like raspberries and im starving"
"how much"
"how much"
"how much"

when you touch me i want my whole body to
slide into the ridges of your fingerprints
so i can leave parts of me
on everything you love

and i love it when the sun rises now
because
when the light hits the side of your face in that way that it does
i can feel the blood moving through every part of my body

and being alone isn't so bad
when i'm alone with you

and before i could say that i loved you
i wanted so badly to only want you once
(okay twice)
(okay three times)
because i can't
get
enough
and i will always be terrified
you can

and now i get to tell you i love you
whenever
i want
and you're mine
and i am yours
(keep me)

(please keep me)

MY WINDOWPANE IS CRACKING.

when my lips touched yours i knew it was a lie
but you never let me taste the truth.

when i saw you, my thrilled, sparkling eyes
never matched your red, faded ones.

when i traced the curves of your body
you moaned harder than you should have.

when you touched me
i finally felt right

but you were never there when you were with me
so i know that i am still wrong.

when my lips touched yours i knew you were a lie
but all i ever gave you was the truth.

her eyes are brown
but when they meet mine
i swear, it's like staring into a kaleidoscope

i touched a sweet girl too long ago
my hands traveled the hills and valleys of her soft skin
and my mouth crashed archaically, desperately against ****** territory
i tasted the lotion she wore and smelled the fear
and the shampoo her stepmother buys her.
i left bruises on this girl
because her body is a map
and i am here.

n n bk bknkj