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May 2018 · 319
i'm sad to report
a m a n d a May 2018
that the moment has arrived
where the original ideal of
the a m e r i c a n  e x p e r i m e n t
has hit right up against
the ability of humanity to reach
that height and create
that reality.

.we have failed.
May 2018 · 1.2k
dragon.
a m a n d a May 2018
even now,
i still look for you.
a m a n d a May 2018
i used to wonder
what it would be like
to be an adult.

to be a part of the age group
that is running the world,
to know i was equal
and to understand my responsibility.

what would it be like to be in charge
of even the most precious
of our responsibility:
the lives of our c h i l d r e n.

only to come to find out
that most adults
lack the courage and compassion
to do the job.

and in the face of
CHILDREN MURDERING CHILDREN
WITH THE ADULT'S WEAPONS
they are met with only a
cowardly silence.
May 2018 · 995
an afternoon skyw a l k e r
a m a n d a May 2018
everyone goes through
the  m i n u t i a
the daily grind
in a unique
arrangement of
space and time.
a m a n d a May 2018
and you are not you and
there is no you and me
and there is no me without you.
May 2018 · 495
14.50
a m a n d a May 2018
once you comprehend your worth,
you must leave when
you cannot find
a reason to stay.

b.a | m.s.e.d
May 2018 · 698
colbert.
a m a n d a May 2018
i finally understand why
he had to create
a whole persona
to explain
the
phenomenon.
Apr 2018 · 226
things you taught me
a m a n d a Apr 2018
i used to fear that
i was going to end up
the example to teach you
a lesson that some
other lucky woman
would benefit from.

it turns out
i had it backwards and
you are the example
of a lesson for some
other poor man
to learn from
me.

you taught me pride.
aggression.
depression.
self-involvement
lack of empathy
and
lying and
            deceit.

you taught me
not to trust
even myself.

you taught me
to doubt myself.

you taught me
to put myself down.
to see ugliness
where none existed.

you taught me the meaning of regret.
and the force of a self-obsessed
and bloated man-baby.

you are a terrible lesson.
a terrible teacher.
and not very nice, either.
Apr 2018 · 190
n o r t h e r n l i g h t s
a m a n d a Apr 2018
i can feel that
this is a time
where i could be
folded into the
envelope of the world
in this smooth and
h e a v e n l y place.
Apr 2018 · 218
things i am
a m a n d a Apr 2018
i am a
happy red bird
with edges
that smudge
wet paint and
my favorite
self-leveling top coat
a slick and beautiful shine
in this
   ******* world of mine.
Apr 2018 · 228
we got warrants
a m a n d a Apr 2018
the only reason to m a n a g e
is that your teaching
has
failed.
a m a n d a Apr 2018
...and it's like
we got ALL THESE PEOPLE
and
all these ideas and
we all listen and
internalize and -
bring some back to the
group-think

but all HALF OF YOU
have to say
is to speak of
other men and
how well
they handle their ******.
Apr 2018 · 280
to be better, try this...
a m a n d a Apr 2018
human,
do not project yourself
onto the other.
do not look at the other
and say to yourself,
"well if i were her,
i would..."

you are a better human
when you project yourself
into the other
when you lose yourself
and become them
you will see
  the way forward.
Apr 2018 · 414
come back, g e t \ back
a m a n d a Apr 2018
something has
    l i f t e d
or at the very least,
- shifted _
Apr 2018 · 389
oh, life!
a m a n d a Apr 2018
(you are so silly & unpredictable)

today, instagram accidentally
informed me
that congratulations are in order.

but instead of congrats,
i will share wisdom for her, not you:

when he goes into a rage
that scares you so much
you lock yourself in your bedroom
crying and shaking,
and he screams
"****!"
and punches the door,
you should probably call it quits.

when he starts listening to different music
and using words and phrases he normally doesn't
that means he's cheating on you
with a "friend"
"he has no interest in"
whose house you once stayed at.

maybe he didn't mention to you
that he finds pregnant women's
bodies repulsive? or maybe he
just changed his silly little mind.

your effort
your love
your support
and your sacrifices
will = 0
when he has decided
he doesn't feel like
"having the kind of life"
you have painstakingly built.

he has no loyalty.
promises mean nothing.
he lies.
he sneaks.
he is mean.
and selfish.
and will utterly destroy you
when he feels like it.

just so you know,
he is capable of
discarding a partner in life
of 14 years in an afternoon,
never to be seen again.

you really got a winner.

and you best not be surprised.
cuz i'm raising the red flag for you, sister.

when he leaves you quite literally penniless
and homeless
on your 33 birthday
in your bed
  in your own home
    with another woman,
don't act surprised.
especially if it's someone you know.

and that's not the half of it
ha! if you only knew.
Mar 2018 · 1.2k
homeostasis
a m a n d a Mar 2018
when i want to remember
what it feels like
to be happy,

i close my eyes and
imagine your face.

and it never fails
to make me
smile.

then comes the return
of the sadness
of your absence.
Mar 2018 · 361
hey jerry
a m a n d a Mar 2018
i had something to say,
which i have already forgotten.
but hey - i must be on the path
because the price is right. eh?
Mar 2018 · 328
retrograde amnesia
a m a n d a Mar 2018
what does it mean
when you want to
peer into the eyes of
your closest kin
and ask,
"d o y o u *recognize
me?"
\"who am i???"\
"what am i like?"
because you quite simply
don't know the answers anymore?
is that ok to ask?
cuz it seems like
it's not.
a m a n d a Feb 2018
self-ejection
isolation
q u e e n
a self-imposed
hibernation

slick paranoia and
wild string thoughts

i want to\b a c k s p a c e\
moonwalk
like windows closing
in succession
in a burst of
d i s b u r s e m e n t

this reality is
really a strange
derivative
of the
original

so,
sometimes,
i end my day
by rolling onto my stomach
closing my eyes
listening to Amazon play

and i imagine myself
a happy reptile,
sunning on the rocks
until tomorrow,
by the glow of
my macbook.
a m a n d a Feb 2018
you break promises,
and say things you
don't mean.

yes, you.

even you.

how do i know?

i can see it
in your eyes.
Feb 2018 · 231
you were a lion
a m a n d a Feb 2018
you don’t know me
can’t even see me
no matter the noise
i make.

and i’ve recently
come to believe
this is all
for the best.
Jan 2018 · 3.9k
i know, and it's enough.
a m a n d a Jan 2018
my beauty
has no ties to
the length
of my hair
or the
size of my waist.

and neither does yours.
Jan 2018 · 2.9k
hey...pssst!
a m a n d a Jan 2018
but do you
       even know
that you don't
  HAVE
        to do
any of it?
Jan 2018 · 741
quick little story
a m a n d a Jan 2018
the stupid,
dumb hope
of you
was enough to stop
the world
from
breaking apart completely.
a m a n d a Jan 2018
every time
i approach
| peak | a w a r e n e s s |
of this thing
this life
this reality...

fuzziness focused
by the
aperture of my mind and -

the universe conspires
to push.
      me.    
  back.
        down.
Jan 2018 · 560
for but a glimmer i saw
a m a n d a Jan 2018
that all that was needed
was to train myself
to t h i n k
steps ahead
of all
the rest,
always.
Jan 2018 · 229
whatchoo gotta dew
a m a n d a Jan 2018
is d e t a c h
from
that emotion
you know,
in a 1980's
kinda way.
Dec 2017 · 461
status report update live
a m a n d a Dec 2017
i am unable to
free myself
from the
d r e a m
of you.
Nov 2017 · 732
ladies and gentlemen
a m a n d a Nov 2017
(please come to order)


i'm over here BAFFLED
by the righteous
surprise of women
and poorly portrayed
shock of the gents

over the downfall
of men.

have we all been
inhabiting the same
country | culture | school | work |church| family
?

stop being foolish

and stand before the judge.

you teach your children
nothing of
*** | gender | relationships

and then are surprised by the disfunction
and shame coming to light.

we don't educate our children
with facts
so they don't know how their bodies work
and don't understand
the nuance of relationships.

girls should act like ladies
and boys shouldn't cry.

girls, be quiet and never cause a fuss.

boys, grab the world by the *****, it's yours.

and now you gasp
in surprise at the results?
please.

you hide knowledge and
options from girls
then condemn their poverty
condemn their parenting
and now wonder
where it all went wrong?

teach them to never walk alone, anywhere, EVER.
hold your keys in-between your fingers
tear out eyeballs and other *****
if you must.

maybe none of the men know
we are taught this as children?
that our entire lives revolve around
keeping ourselves safe from men.
and it is ALL our responsibility.
no matter what happens or doesn't happen,
it is somehow always a woman's fault.

fed a false narrative of the stranger
when most of the time,
is the known man
that causes the most damage.
that flies lowest under
the radar.
that has power
and influence
and the ability to hide.

but don't provoke the poor boys.
under no circumstances allow
your body to be seen,
but also don't be too covered up
(because then how will you get a man?)
jesus, guys, get with it.

[don't be sensitive]
what's an *** slap here or there by an utter stranger?
what's the big deal when a dear friend
suddenly lunges at you and grabs your **** during a normal conversation?
what's a little verbal harassment, he's old, it was normal then?
a strange call into the office?
a hand up your skirt?
it's just boys being boys.

it's time to stop this.

it's time to stop feigning ignorance.

you are responsible for this.

full stop.

just like i am.

but my silence ends today.
and i will not contribute to
a society or culture
that devalues women
for the sake of the
male ego.

stop acting surprised by men
behaving without integrity.
by criminals
and predators.
and for ****'S SAKE

stop | electing | them
Nov 2017 · 253
g o a l s <------------
a m a n d a Nov 2017
(drenched in sarcasm)


one day,
    you too,
might be a grown-***
  w o  m a n

eating onion rings
   for dinner
whilst crying
         (in public)

because a boy
        was mean to you.



(sorry about it not getting any better).
Nov 2017 · 298
the white wolf speaks.
a m a n d a Nov 2017
i like what happens when

y e l l o w

is

next to

pink.



it is a detail of the world
that brings me joy,
and so,
it must alway be
a good thing.
Nov 2017 · 327
self-portrait in metal
a m a n d a Nov 2017
i imagined myself
as a sheet of
silver metal,
with intricate designs
banged into it,

able to fold in
a multitude of
ways,

f l o a t i n g

gninrut

\floating\

in the empty space.
Nov 2017 · 674
beyond all logic
a m a n d a Nov 2017
when i try
to focus on attempting to hate you,
all that happens,
somehow,
is that,
instead
i somehow
love you now,
*even more?
Nov 2017 · 5.7k
not an emergency
a m a n d a Nov 2017
(but something to consider)



everything is fine.
no.worries.
it's just that*

there is a d a r k n e s s
closing in
on the edges,

and lights swirl
in the p e r i p h e r y.
Oct 2017 · 682
10.21.17
a m a n d a Oct 2017
today is the day

you became a covering

i simply shrugged off.
Oct 2017 · 285
do you like my lies?
a m a n d a Oct 2017
it’s a good thing
i don’t need you anymore

because you wouldn’t be here
anyway.
Oct 2017 · 562
the evidence of your lies.
a m a n d a Oct 2017
the path from
love to rage
is simple and
direct:

lies.

so when i see
the evidence of your lies
i become
neo

(   (  (  f l e x i n g  )  )   )

and the world
bends  for me.

i am centered.
-
i know what you have done.


but the world bends
for ME

not you.
Sep 2017 · 2.0k
my best version has you.
a m a n d a Sep 2017
"i like the world best
when our paths
overlap,”she said,
with a tear.
Sep 2017 · 321
just a minor thing
a m a n d a Sep 2017
just a thing
i'd like to point out
from the view
from over here

(this is what i see)

those of the
extreme right
political persuasion

continue, to this very moment,
to post made up news,
satire masquerading as news,
and articles with no sources.

your dude WON.

why do you continue to
spread lies?

do you think you will
persuade anyone
with your easy to google
pretend information?

where are the positive articles
(from credible sources)
about all your dude's
accomplishments?

(crickets)

just curious.
seems like a reasonable thing to ask.
Sep 2017 · 506
an ugly and exhausted cry
a m a n d a Sep 2017
is it ok
if i cry for you

just a little bit longer?

i keep saying that
this time
is the last
cry

but then another
thought comes
another memory
arises

and i can see your face in
the changing light
so calm
so relaxed
so beautiful

i hear your voice
in my mind
and my lip
starts to quiver

i'm sorry i am
who i am
and for whatever
i have done

i didn't even mean
to find you

i wish i didn't know
about you

sometimes
it's better not to know
and not to love.

so please,
can i just cry a little more?

because right now
i imagine that
in my last days
when
i am old and
ugly and
everyone has died

i will be alone
and remembering
the nights with you

and that thought,
i cannot bear.
not now and
not tomorrow.

i just need to
cry for you
one last time.
(ad infinitum)
Sep 2017 · 209
when i am lost
a m a n d a Sep 2017
i don't want to say this.
i don't even want
to think
this.

but you leave me
no other
option.

because i can't
keep doing this thing
that you do.

i guess i have to find
someone else
that knows
what farscape is.

someone
that is beyond beautiful.

that is funny.

that likes the same
movies and books
that i do.

someone that is
brilliantly smart.

witty.

surprising,

in all the best ways.

i can't imagine
there ever being
success in this
venture.

i can only see
a grim disappointment.

but what more can i do?

maybe you bank on
this cycle,
i know i do.

and you know
that i love you

so when the moment
strikes
you can discard me
and investigate
other avenues.

you know you can
circle back.

but what if you can't?

what if you can't
find me
ever again?

what if i become
lost from you
because you
pushed me
into the thick,
all by myself?

i guess you
will find out.

when i am lost,
then, you will find your love
for me.

isn't that how
it always goes?
a m a n d a Sep 2017
just saying,

it's quite odd to
some of us,

(again,
just saying,
NOT a big deal,)

to watch every.
single.
god ******
decision
be made
be prioritized
by sad,
stupid,
petty
men

who also choose
what even deserves
attention
action and
consideration.

and I can't help
but think,
(being of sound mind
and body?)

what if women
had been
in charge
the last
200 years?

j/k#sonotabigdeal
Sep 2017 · 1.6k
branded salvation
a m a n d a Sep 2017
i guess i
find it strange
the way
people i d e n t i f y
and q u a n t i f y
their existence
according to
a version of
a brand of
the divine,

greatly chosen b y
influenced b y
geography and
  family ties.

and i'm sorry, but,
it cannot be
that everyone is
simply describing
the same
phenomena with
different w o r d s
      like a version
           or an update
   or an accent,

because although life
is grey, some things are,
and some things
are not.

there is but one
merriam-webster
dictionary.

dictionary.com also
defines words,
even the
same words
but they are
distinct entities.

they live under
the umbrella of
    a bigger concept
about words
   and language,

they are versions of
explanations of
a more
e l u s i v e
construct -

the word.

and you cannot even grasp
exactly what
  the word is,
because it
depends on
so many factors.

yet most
grab onto and cling to
the first dictionary
thrown at them.

others might exist
and even be
similar,

but you know
you have your favorite,

you are a
brand loyalist.

and the product
is

reality.

which is fine,
i guess,
in and of
itself

as long as
you can admit
that Kleenex is
the best and
Puffs is for
losers.

sure, you might smile at
the Puffs users and
even bring them
a meal,

but deep down inside
you know that
   you are right

**and they are wrong.
Sep 2017 · 252
(what we do)
a m a n d a Sep 2017
to be an artist
means
to go beyond
  just the deconstruction
       to go beyond
            even the rebuilding
but to embrace
the actual structures
   that create our reality
and know them so well
as to be able to
undo them completely.

and then start them again.

this is what art is.

this is what it means.
Sep 2017 · 288
i love you, but
a m a n d a Sep 2017
i feel as though
i have been trying
to reach you
my entire life.

i tried to
hack through
your walls with
brute strength,
but only succeeded
in reinforcing
your defenses.

i tried to shine light
and warmth on you,
only to find you
recede further
into the darkness.

i tried planting flowers
along your borders,
only to find them
tore up and in disarray.

i tried to
give you wide, open space
only to
feel myself
retreat to a
smaller and
more protected
circle.

there is nothing
to do,
but attempt
to repair myself,

except the wounds
you inflict
are not acute,
but for the moment
of separation
and despair.

your wounds are chronic.
they must be controlled,
but cannot be cured.

i love you,
but in this,
you are wrong.

i love you,
but you should
lean into me,
not push me
away.
Sep 2017 · 249
and so it goes.
a m a n d a Sep 2017
so proud
of the
forgetting,

that can only
be achieved
if i find myself
*remembering again.
Aug 2017 · 273
a memory amplified
a m a n d a Aug 2017
a memory breaks through
to the realm
of the
| n o w |
ripping a connection
through space time
to present
a rather rude
parallel:

as a child
standing in the
smelly
echo ridden
gym
under lights with
a yellow cast.

i am in a line.
about to be chosen,
or more accurately,
not chosen
for the team.

and i realize
that my brain
has chosen this thought,
now,
of all possible thoughts,
as a cruel reminder
that i have felt
this pain before.
for my entire life.
Aug 2017 · 708
a golden haze surrounds
a m a n d a Aug 2017
sometimes the world
seems to have
a lens filter -
saturated greens and
   golds,
muted blues and reds and
the dust is kicked up
into the atmosphere
with little particles
sparkling in the dimming light
of day.

sometimes it's hard
to see so much beauty with
  your own eyes,

and not be able to feel it.

there is only a profound emptiness.
Aug 2017 · 262
31 drafts
a m a n d a Aug 2017
what if
i accidentally saved
my 31 drafts
as public

and the world saw
what i wasn't ready
to reveal?
Aug 2017 · 248
a beautiful dream
a m a n d a Aug 2017
what the mere
t h o u g h t
of you
does to my body,

another man,
in the flesh
**cannot.
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