something like
an inferno
when I know
I don't want
to lay down for this,
when I know
I can't stand up.

i drive into the
pink-orange sky
and what could be
is not what is
everything is as it seems
and yet i stay awake.

the saddest thing
i've ever seen
is the stillness of windmills

no matter how hard
i try
i cannot do this thing

no matter how many nights
i stare at the wall
empty
i cannot do this thing

no matter how many
open roads i travel
or lies i speak
i cannot do this thing.

i cannot.

what?
did i not give you enough
purple paint?
i would decimate
all the purple pigment for you,
chemist.
i would deconstruct
the molecules into
primary
red and blue
i would find yellow
and give you all the colors.
silly bird,
can i tear the world apart
getting all the pretty paper?
put it in an envelope and
slide it across the table
to you?
(cuz i'm cool like that)
what must i do?
what must i do?

woman,
i am a storm come
to   b r e a k  you

numb of mind
i drag thoughts of you
save thoughts of you
come to me

pulsing
like light
i die
*come to me

hey you
you   the only
one like you hey
you with all
the things
you hey  you
without
all the things
you hey you
there is only one
like you hey
you i already
found you
hey
you.

so i call out
your name
(but you don't come)

i beg and plead
and cry through the ache
(but you don't come)

i call out your name
*all is not well

silly
      silly
          silly
since last we met
        i haven't thought
          about you once...
no, not once.

measure the
                       quantum  j i t t e r
go ahead,
i dare ya!            
say my name
     like you are
             casting it
                       in bronze
                  make it stay
*make something stay.

sum of moments
torque of the moment
rotation of moments
surround me

the sting
of possible things

and i keep
going back to the places
   i know i've b e e n
but i don't find her
in the wood
or at the water

how to go
back to the places i know
i've been
i don't find her
no
the places i go back
the places i go back

a little boy
gave me three stones
wide-eyed and innocent.

how can
        e n e r g y
be wasted
when it feels so
f o c u s e d

i've been working
on this  a r c h i v e
carefully placing          
           all things.

i've been sadly constructing
this  r e c o r d
         of  love
for many many days and nights

hey you,
   i've been creating this  a c c o u n t
of your deeds              
of your quirks
thousands of words

you, with that  f a c e
i've been putting together
this  p l e a
of my t r u t h    
my honest to cosmic things truth
  
i would lay it all
                    at your feet
if i could
but i guess i'll settle for
screaming into
the void.

if you didn't deserve them,
the words would not come for you.

what can i set in motion
going to the places
i know there is more
of me
instead of less?

a year ago, last
|this place|
humid august
i met the
squirrel queen
and now,
now...

so much is changed
so much is black charcoal
under my pretty flip flop

so much is
my pen in my hand
instead of the blood in my veins

(the way it has to be)

of the many things
of which i know
nothing
you are the most
vast and deep.

and of the small things
i am capable of
overcoming,
this thing is not
one.

and of all the
wildness i can tame,
|this|
i cannot.

i let you in
and you walked out

all things seemed
    p o s s i b l e
in the explosive air      
a r o u n d you and now
that you are gone
so are the possible things.

something is coming together
in the naming of you
in the keeping of you

something is coming together
in the making of you
and words trend for you like fire

i loved you.
i love you still.

not a single thing
can be taken
when there is
nothing to be had

what i thought was
black is
grey
grey
grey

and the water
doesn't stop flowing
and no new sun
rises for me.

something about
that bass line
      kills me

    reminds me of you
(and sheila e)
          c o o l  air
and
a sense i have
|no more|
of things being right.

there is no forgiveness
for  s n a k e s

i m a g i n e d  relief
constructed to stop        
       the flooding

you told me to        
     m  o  v  e
                   on
and the farther i get        
from your light        
        the worse
i feel, love.

like a   c o s m i c  crush
the sadness sweeps me            
the resonance            
           that does not come
     your  nihilism
in my knowing

afraid
i might
l o s e   my  words
slip          
and
retreat
    fall
and
           surrender

i'm afraid
i might
l o s e  my  words
                          drop them
           in the water or
f l i n g   them too
far into space  

i'm afraid
i might
l o s e  my  words and
become
            |silent|
       agreeable                
     *diminished.

all of a sudden
i hate you
and everything
you stand for.

i cannot believe
what you gave up
and for what?
*and for what?

walking for the emptiness
walking for the mind moves
and i won't cry for you
it's not what i do
it's not what i do
i listen to the blues
i sink into the blue.

t i m e s t r e t c h
shadow hawk          
overhead and
i can  smell the            
                                cherry remnants of            
yesterday.

so it cannot
u n r a v e l  me
    untie  me
make me w e a k                    
    and s i c k

no, i never want
to see those
f e a t u r e s
                 i |used| to
t  r a c e  in the dark

in my mind
it's the moving green
and the timbre of your voice

in my mind
it's the couch
the couch
the couch
the couch

in my mind
it's the music
it's the wine
it's the candle flicker

in my mind
it's the bed
the sheets
the breeze

in my mind
it's the blaze of eagerness
the strength in the trees
the rush of the water
the rush
the rush
the rush

i wasn't wrong
i'm right around that corner
*i'm right around the corner.

i came all this way
through the woods
only to find
these blue dragonflies.

the bluest blue
swiping left
swiping left
looking for you
*looking for you.

i know, sweet sister
how it feels to be
|turned inside out|
thrown to the wolves
i know, i know, i know.

enemies at the gates?
i know.
women like snakes?
i know.
feel yourself clawing to the surface?
i know.

no words will suffice
no words will mend
no words spit
and no words cried
i know, i know, i know.

lies upon lies upon lies?
i know.
still you care?
| i know |

nowhere to turn?
i know.
rage to waken the devil?
i know.
sadness.
| i know |

and
| i know you |
and i would be
*nothing without you.

starting from nothing
is one thing,
starting from behind nothing
is another thing entirely.

I could have went to China
for all you know.
I could have been summoned to Hell
*for all you care.

i'm back
and i claim this place
(queen of this space)
s u n | is | m i n e
sculptures are mine
t r e e s |are| mine
water is mine
music is mine.

mind moves
at a different pace
than body.
music levels the field.

how long do i wait
before i go
hops the little bird
where to go?
where to go?

whatever comes together
falls apart
so why start?
why start?

if i don't walk around
like queen of the world,
who will?

i can't stop folding paper
and it's a beautiful thing
the creasing
the giving way to my demands
the colors, my god!
the colors!
i like the symmetry
the memory
the forgetting.