i think maybe i
brought you into my life to
turn you into words.

i've forgotten the way that you sound,
forgotten the way you chuckle
when you say my name.
i don't remember the way your smile
drips off of your words.
but i do remember your hands,
and the way they looked when they let me go.

you're just a ghost roaming these halls
that i don't walk down anymore
my favorite crypt keeper in a vacant mausoleum
they'd call it haunted if it was ever anything at all

maybe you're in the dust that
shakes from the old books,
coating these lungs of mine and
staying with me after i leave
or maybe you're the wax on old candles
waiting for the flame to reignite
so you can melt into a puddle all over my floor

she kisses hearts
and stabs lips,
luring them into traps
and whispering,
"this is all your fault."
she counts wishes
and makes stars,
one for every finger
and two for every toe,
"he'll come home tomorrow."
she drinks air
and breathes water,
gripping edges of sheets
and moaning,
"what's your name again?"
she smiles into his hand
and slips a bit on her expression,
emotions dropping
faster than the temperature.
"he was always full of ****."

There's been an ache
in my hands since
I left you, because
you always knew
the spots to touch
but not hold.

there are crumbs scattered through the forest
are you calling out to me?
if i taste you, will you still be sweet?
buttercup fields begging to tell me
if you love me or love me not
but i'm tongue tied and choking on the apology
too afraid to pluck your petals in the search for truth
i'm sorry that i'm disappointing

hush hush, sweet darling.
the neighbors could hear you tremble.
if only you'd cover your mouth with mine,
you might stay out of trouble.
grasp hands tight and
don't you dare let go,
and i'll make you beg for more.

you were so young.
you were so nice.
one of the nicest boys
i knew from your class.
i didn't know you well,
but i knew you as well
as i could from sitting
in front of you for a year
in a class of ten people.
i knew when you
and liz broke up,
and i knew when you
got back together.
you always borrowed
my calculator for stats.
you lived next door to my ex,
and i knew the friendship
between you two ended
when he broke your air-soft gun.
you were seven or eight.
you honked when you drove by
us on one of our walks,
and maybe waved at me.
you were just nice.
and now,
you're gone.
and i hurt,
more than i ever expected to.
for someone that young
to die this early,
especially someone that is
so ******* great...
it's not fair.
not when there are
so many terrible people
left behind.
i miss you.

don't cry, don't cry.
it'll all get better someday.

you left me sore and aching,
and i don't know if my body
or my heart hurt more.
but i don't want it to stop.
these marks may fade
but you,
you, i'll hold onto.

I was sitting on my fence post,
Chewing some bubble gum.
Playing with my yo-yo.
When along came Hermy the Wormy,
And he was thiiiis big.
And I said,
“Hermy!? What’s up with you, man!?”
And he said,
“Duh, I just ate a bug.”

my first memories of you are from
when we lived together when we were
young. we would be power rangers
and pokemon and a number of other
things. that was the summer your sister
broke her leg on the trampoline -
scaring us from climbing on top.
we were afraid of sharks in the pool.
clear water to the bottom, but we
were scared of the monsters we couldn't see.
no matter how many times we looked,
we couldn't shake the idea that something
was out to get us. wanted to hurt us.

I was sitting on my fence post,
Chewing some bubble gum.
Playing with my yo-yo.
When along came Hermy the Wormy,
And he was thiiiiis big.
And I said,
“Hermy!? What’s up with you, man!?”
And he said,
"Duh, I just ate a cat.”

you moved away that year.
you left for florida and took your
sister with you. you were gone for years.
in that time, she came to visit me.
she told me you were fine.
i heard from your mother that you
were struggling in school -
her straight A student,
crumbling before her eyes.
i didn't know what happened.

I was sitting on my fence post,
Chewing some bubble gum.
Playing with my yo-yo.
When along came Hermy the Wormy,
And he was thiiiiiis big.
And I said,
“Hermy!? What’s up with you, man!?”
And he said,
“Duh, I just ate a dog.”

you graduated top of your class.
you left your house for reasons i
didn't find out about until months
later. you moved back here, back
into that old house, pretending to
be the innocent boy you were.
the boy that hated to smoke ****.
the boy that drank his summer away
and regretted it.
you were the boy that let his girl get away.

I was sitting on my fence post,
Chewing some bubble gum.
Playing with my yo-yo.
When along came Hermy the Wormy,
And he was thiiiiiiis big.
And I said,
“Hermy!? What’s up with you, man!?”
And he said,
“Duh, I just ate a car.”

but we both know that wasn't who you are.
not deep down, anyway.
that boy that cried to me on my couch
gave me half-truths and spun stories
until i didn't know which way was up.
i told you that i was ****** up now.
i told you exactly what i did, and you
told me you'd done the same.
but what i didn't know, was that one
of my worst nightmares, is what you'd
become for someone else.

I was sitting on my fence post,
Chewing some bubble gum.
Playing with my yo-yo.
When along came Hermy the Wormy,
And he was thiiiiiiiis big.
And I said,
"Hermy!? What’s up with you, man!?”
And he said,
“Duh, I just ate a whale!”

when everyone found out the truth,
you fled the country.
when everyone found out the truth,
you left us all behind to
deal with your messes.
when everyone found out the truth,
i was the only one left
seeing sharks spin circles in my swimming pool,
swim circles in my heart.

I was sitting on my fence post,
Chewing some bubble gum.
Playing with my yo-yo.
When along came Hermy the Wormy,
And he was thiiis big.
And I said,
“Hermy!? What’s up with you, man!?”
And he said,
"Duh, I just burped!”

he pressed her against the wall,
the white tile leaking its cold temperature
deep into her bones.
she grabbed the rod for balance
as his tongue grazed her skin.
her fingers tangled immediately in his wet curls,
his hand cupped her cheek.
heavy moans slipped into each other's mouth
when fingers roamed.
when the heat is high,
she never knows if she'll make it out alive.
but sometimes it's all she's got.

i'd do anything for you to hold me together like you did that night.
i need someone to help me in ways i can't articulate.
i want that someone to be you.

but this sticky sickness has me so weighted down
that i don't know what way is up anymore.
it chokes me out until i can't ask for you again.
it leaves me struggling to breathe
in even the smallest of conflicts.
i want it to learn to fear you.

sometimes i just want to write.
sometimes i just want to say,
“i still remember the way you hurt me.”
and sometimes, i want to say,
“it still hurts, you know.”
sometimes i want to let you know
how angry i am.
sometimes all i want to say is,
“*******,” and “goodbye.”
sometimes i want to write down
all of the words i’m too afraid to say, like
“i liked your pajama pants” or
“you’re uglier than i remembered” or
“i still cry myself to sleep sometimes
because i miss you so ******* much.”
sometimes i talk about things that are,
versus things that were,
and i like to decide which is better.
when the words just don’t come out right?
well that can be the worst.
because there’s a lot that i want to say,
but no way to articulate it.
i guess now is one of those times.
there’s no real words to say
how lonely i feel, with no one to talk to
when you’re not around.
how scared i am, of failing.
how happy i am, that i can almost say
we’ve been together for
“a year” instead of “five-six-seven months.”
how tired i am, without someone
or something to stimulate me.
there’s a lot that can change,
and a lot that can happen when you leave home.
it’s a chance to spread your wings,
but what do you do when
you don’t know where to fly to?
for now, i’ll walk to the library and get a coffee,
and try to finish this paper
before you get back home with me.
maybe then i won’t be so lonely
or scared or tired.
and we can crawl into bed together
like every weekend before,
and we can watch movies
and we can eat popcorn
and grow old together.
sometimes, this is all i really want to do.
and almost always,
this feels better than having something to say.

i want to run away
more than words could say
but i'm afraid
my wings
are clipped.

don't pick up the phone,
tell me that my voice is the
nails digging into your back
on a lonely saturday night
and you can't bear the pain anymore

don't hold my hand,
tell me that my iron grip
has crushed your heart for what
feels like the last time and
you can't wait to find out if it's true

don't answer the door,
tell me that the sight of me
spilling my guts on your porch
is a mess that you just can't
bring yourself to clean up this time

i wanted to tell you that i loved you. really, i did.
i wanted to tell you that, when i looked at you, i choked on the words and promises i couldn't self-induce myself to *****.
i wanted to tell you that the curve of your guitar under your hands made me question if you would hold my body the same.
i wanted to tell you that you're the only one that made me smell like summertime.
i wanted to tell you that things were going wrong, i swear.
i wanted to tell you that i started to drown those words because you made me not want to say them anymore.
i wanted to tell you that i did not kiss that boy and i did not **** the other.
i wanted to tell you that i didn't move on, i found someone to find my corpse.
i wanted to tell you that i fell in love with him purely by accident.

i want you to know that you're the one who let this go.
i want you to know that i said those words; you're the one that took them back.
i want you to know that sometimes words cannot be erased from hearts, even if you erased it from your walls.
i want you to know that you were not the only one, and sometimes i am sorry for that.
i want you to know that you're trying too hard to forget me, that you're only making this worse.
i want you to know that you were a "failed attempt i never could forget," but a failed attempt all the same.
i want you to know that i probably think about this more than you do, but i feel less than you ever did.
i want you to know that i did more with him than i'll ever admit, and i don't regret that in the slightest. i gave him everything you didn't want.
i want you to know that he never found my corpse, but he saved me all the same.

the cigarette in my hand shook
with tremors and my tears dripped
onto the concrete when i told her
what happened in that bed
blood soaked and no longer white

see i can tell you the when
and the where and discuss the why
but i'd never told anyone how
it all felt in the play by play recap
of the worst night of my life

and she held my hand as i
held myself together as best as
i could and held the lighter to the
next cigarette because chain smoking
is what i do best on nights like this night

and afterwards she helped pick up
all of the little pieces of me scattered
with the ashes on the floor
and she told me she loved me because
that is what being my best friend looks like

she doesn't like to sleep anymore.
she'd rather stay up and make wishes
on the scars that she counts
than slip under a sheet.
it's something about vulnerability.
something about letting go.
if she can just keep her eyes pried
for one more second, minute, hour,
she can control it.
how long she sleeps and if she'll
dream [of him] again.
and maybe later,
once she's all alone,
she can sleep through meals
and start to hate the spots
he loved to hold
a little less.
anything, just to
hate him a little less.
she spends every spare second
checking her phone,
hoping to see if he's responded.
hours later.
still checking, and still hoping
for no real reason at all.
"is it possible,"
she asked herself,
"to hate someone and still
hang on every word?"
but maybe she wants to hang on
every word, hang on everything
he meant.
because letting it go was harder
than holding onto it.
staying awake was harder than
just shutting her eyes long
enough to let him go.
so she wastes her time counting
stars and counting scars,
until she can breathe again.

it's funny how stark a difference
there is before and after that day.
a literal line can be drawn.
there's evidence, so don't try to deny.
i don't know who changed more,
you or me.
i stopped saying those words
but you stopped reciting them.
i stopped reaching for your hand
but you stopped clenching so hard.
i stopped singing for you
but you stopped listening to me speak.
and maybe we changed together,
and maybe it's for the best.
but when a foundation crumbles,
is it still safe to walk?

as she crossed the bridge,
she dropped a match on each plank.
she let it burn;
begged it to, even.
severing ties wholly had never been her thing,
but this time was different.
this time, she needed to cut ties
like the ribbons she split
trying to open presents on christmas day.
in order to reach the happiness inside,
she first had to cut the ties
and remove what was in her way.
the wrapping paper may have been beautiful,
but it smothered everything.
it was always in the way.
and it was time to move past that.
so she crossed the bridge and looked back,
"just one more time," she said.
one tear slipped,
a sacrifice for all of the broken promises
and twisted lies.
another slipped,
as all of the nights spent with stomach pains
from laughing too hard
and groggy mornings
from staying up all night whispering
lit up with shades of orange and red.
then she turned on her heel and ran,
before the ashes could choke her out.

i'm going to get better.
and when i do,
i'll try to remember you fondly.
because the thing about rock bottom,
is that the only way to go is up.
so while you're drowning at
the bottom of your barrel,
i'll be treading water,
climbing up and out.

i said,
the car carving its way around the mountainside,
"this is going to be the song i play when you leave me."

you used to smirk with this kind of arrogance,
like you knew so much better.

yet here we are, five months later,
and as she arched her hips into me,
the song played softly in the background.

and i've got to hand it to you -
it's like i finally figured out why you smiled.

because even at my most distracted,
fingers fumbling in someone else's hair
and testing the tenderness of her skin...

that song,
or maybe that memory,
still turned my head away from
her and back towards my phone, back
towards the missed calls and angry messages,
towards the accusations and the insults,
and it brought me away from her
and somewhere closer to you,
to the mountainside.
and it reminded me of the
pretty weather, those blue skies
and the rocks piled high around us,
and what seemed like a joke but maybe
turned out to be more like a promise.
and you smiled, because
it's almost like
you knew.

i can feel the end whispering in my ear,
but it's better than all the sweet nothings you left me with.

thank you for the reminder
that my heart belongs
under lock and key

(ps: there's still a spare left under the mat)

he smiles like he has a secret tucked into the corner of his lips. "something to chew on when dinner isn't enough," he said.
but it's never enough, and she reminds him of that.

she pulls out a cigarette, slender as the fingers she grips it with. "the smoke in my lungs make me less empty," she said.
but she's always empty, and he reminds her of that.

and now they sit together in silence, pulling feathers from pillows and strings from seams. he says, "take your coat off and stay a while."
but neither wants to stay, and they both understand that.

"i'm sorry," she whispers, and lights another cigarette.
"it's okay," he returns with a smile.

he recites the speed of light one saturday morning, when the air between us was too dark. like somehow that would make it better, like that would alleviate whatever tension we were building.

he is someone new, a present with a torn wrapper. that little glance is always the most intriguing.

we're both somewhere we shouldn't be, saying things we shouldn't say and touching what we shouldn't touch. but it isn't stopping anyone.

it's funny -
every time we take a second to breathe,
we notice how different things are.
from before him.
to him.
to me.
to losing me.
to gaining me,
for me to leave again.
and somehow,
managing to slip through the cracks
into you and me.
to slip into a stride that has,
for some unknown, ******* reason
has always felt right.
****** knee, ****** hip,
we always manage to have that stride.
parallel,
oh god but so perpendicular.
and when you're quiet, i speak
and sometimes the other way around.
we've lost touch with those pathetic,
dramatic grasps of air and
breath and love and it's such
a relief, to be where we are.
to be given what we fought so hard for.
oh but isn't it funny,
how now that you have what you
said you begged for,
how you've lost so much.
lost a place and a sense of worth
and maybe confidence that
never really was there in the first place.
but you have me.
i warned you i was venom and
****** and poison -
and at times you may be content
believing that those are
inflated metaphors to coax my ego.
but my words are sharp, too sharp,
sharper than most knives because,
well - you love me.
and when words are cheap,
i make them worth their
weight in gold.
and you,
you're soft and malleable.
and god do i tear that apart sometimes.
but remember something -
when we were children, we had
silly putty that we loved,
but loved to destroy.
but the greatest part is
how it always came back together in the end,
with your fingerprints and dirt and
dust of the memories of that day
imprinted in it.
maybe it isn't pleasant and
i apologize for taking pleasure in that,
but i love you in my own way.
take a few steps back -
like i love to do when i ramble.
and remember i said
you're soft and malleable.
and please don't ever change -
because do you know
what else is soft?
malleable?
gold.
you're golden, baby.
and don't ever lose that shine.
i have loved you,
i love you,
i always will love you.
scars and mistakes and
addictions and tears.
laughter and sweets and
music and friends.
i love you.
don't ever forget it.
you're the golden girl.

you know this isn't ******* fair. you leave me shaking like the earthquakes i told you to leave in your state but slowly drifted to mine. you make me terrified like i was that day, wondering if i should take cover and protect myself or just wait it out.
you said you miss the cute little flirting i always did. what i suppose made you love me. but you told me you got hurt too. i can almost promise you it never hurt you this bad. i wanted to choke you like you made me choke up when you said then, "you were always trying a little too hard to grow up, j." and you tell me now "you always were a little too naive." but you were a ******* coward. you always have been. you cut yourself on your back because the sight of your own spliced skin makes you *****. always taking the easy way out.
you drove away from the ******* the hill that night, that night she told you she was in love with you. and then you told me you loved me and then you went home and ****** your best friend. coward.
i told you i'd change coasts just to be with you and you never took me seriously. you were too busy staring at my smile. and you remember now that i said it but never remembered how serious i was then. you regret not ******* me that afternoon, when we laid awkwardly on your bed and i wanted so badly to touch you that it felt like my whole body, my every ******* neuron, was screaming to feel your hand under my own. but you stood up and walked away. coward.
you say i'm the one that's different, that i was the one who told you to never say you love me again. but i'm the one left texting you old songs in the middle of the night. i'm the one left counting hours back,
one
two
three,
always wondering what time it is there.
especially after you turned your computer towards me to show that you always had a clock in the corner with the time here.
i would have run away with you. i wanted to, no matter how ******* stupid i was. i would have married you. i would have done anything you asked. and we talk now and you told me it would have been hard to work out. you word it like it was my fault i was never yours. but weren't you the one who always whispered to me, "we'd never work out, i can't stand the distance"?
but here we are, three years and 2,450 miles apart and you remember trying to figure out how it'd work. like you still wonder. like you still feel your heart flutter every time you see a little redhead.
because you do.
and every time i see your flower, i double take. and every time i think of surfing you cross my mind. and every time i think of sunset beaches i remember your words. every time. i love you every time.
if you asked me to leave now, to see you. or asked to see me, i'd say no. because my heart is in a different place and we live in different times.
we belong in "what-ifs" and "remember-whens" because we crossed that line and i'm afraid it can't ever go back. i just can't do it. i just can't.

"there is a type of jellyfish that lives forever," you once told me.
and i found myself wishing that we could be those jellyfish,
so we can float on these waves
for the rest of our days
and these spindly legs of ours will always stay intertwined.

one day you'll learn how to place your fingertips in all the right places.
to be able to smile and whisper to them and say words
that maybe your heart doesn't mean,
but it just rolls off the tongue.
you'll learn to hurt others, rather than them hurting you.
or worse, you hurting yourself.
you'll learn to touch up the bleeding mascara before
applying the lipstick you'll stain him with.
you'll learn, dear.
you'll learn.

i miss you.
it hurts in a way that makes
my bones weak.
it hurts in a way that
makes my knees give out.
it hurts in a way
that leaves me gasping for air.

the best part of you spitting the same words
to other girls that you said to me is that
i know what to expect.
i can read your moves.
i can see right through you.
right through your every move.
and the best part of you
moving on is that maybe one of those girls
will break you to pieces.
worse than i did.

but baby, who are we trying to fool?
if we believed in that, we'd only be kidding ourselves.