I don't get why you'd carve me like this
Ripping out my heart
Grasping it in you iron grip
Clasping the blood in a bursting vessel
Through a laced ribbon
Controlling my breathing as you will
Heaving dry tears
A nail pierces my eardrum
Deaf to my newfound reality
Stuffed with what's acceptable for me to obtain
My casing is alien
Feeling only the nauseating saliva;
clammy sweat rubbing between my fingers
Succumbing to the meaningless reality we hail

My insides have been ripped out
Entrails lying ****** on the floor.
Worthless, worthless, I know.
I've been immobilized,
Curled on my bed, hands raised to my head
Trying to block out the screaming;
My own or the voices?
I can't tell anymore.
We are One.

Everything I touch withers and dies,
And I was surprised I hadn't yet
Since I grip myself so tightly
In order to keep it together.
But now I know I'm Death itself.
Guilt is my burden to bear as
I watch the light fade from their eyes.
We are Death.

I dance around in my room for a bit
Waltzing with the bear
Mi abuelita lovingly sent me.
Pure white with a red
Bow and a smile as bright as Florida skies
On a summer's day,
I wrap its arms around me and pretend
It's enough comfort.

More often than not
my feelings manifest like the notes
of songs I have ingrained in my skin
and to find the words
that translate the way anger and sorrow and…

I don't even have the words for emotions
I don't understand them
beyond their most basic of means
I don't know how to say I'm so mad I could….
but I know what it sounds like

If asked how I feel
I can feel the motion in Piano Concerto No. 1
that means my skin is tingling
my heart is beating faster then
that drum roll Jukka plays and just as fiery and just as raw

It's never come naturally to me
to discuss how I feel
my instinct is to make someone listen to a song and tell them
that
right there
that note
that tremble in his throat
the way those chords interact
That's what I'm feeling

perhaps one day someone will hear it too