Two AM and here I am.
Awake and thinking once  again.
A cat’s meow, a child’s cry.
Clicking heater, windy sky.
Squinty eyes in phone’s blue light.
Texts from earlier in the night.
Confused by thoughts that make no sense
Too tired for self-defense.
Ignore, delete, move on. But no.
In my mind those words echo.
Is it sarcasm or anger?
Am I safe or in danger?
Heavy heart and eyes that well.
These tears feel real but I can’t tell.
This has gone on long enough.
You cannot have hate without first love.

You don't deserve my 4am thoughts.
But here you are.
a pretzel wrapped around my brain
******* for making me feel more worthless than I already felt.
But I can’t help that this is who I am.
A shell of laughter and fake beauty.
Sensitivity and insecurities below the surface
And the ugly darkness hidden deep, buried away.
Staring at patterns in the ceiling paint, thinking of you, triggering three layers at once.
Just like all the others. All you had to do was get to know me . It was just enough to pull me in and send you running.
They all run. As they should.
I wish I could run from myself.

Is this a slow death?
Every breath,
Is anger and pain,
And acting insane.
Patience lost,
Arms crossed,
Stick in the mud,
Boiling blood,
Ignored cries,
Dizzy eyes,
Spinning thoughts,
Stomach in knots.
Hear me call,
Or let me fall.
Secrets to keep.
Bury them deep.

Salt in the air
Wind on my skin
Tousles my hair
Breathing it in.
Spray from the mist
All stresses cease
Time won’t exist
Life is at peace.

Eyes still burning.
Heart is hurting.
Throat on fire.
And still I’m learning,
This actually happened though it feels like a dream.
Constantly questioning reality.
Frozen in time.
No pause. No rewind
I can’t settle this in my mind.
I need to hear your voice, your laugh.
A dumb joke you told me in the past.
These empty walls. The ticking clock.
This unacceptance. Still in shock.
I want to call you! You can’t be gone.
It’s silent until “here comes the sun” comes on.

Shut off the lights.
The dark looks beautiful.
I am not afraid,
To let go of this pressure,
Blind myself of all this light,
Let the night fall into darkness,
Leave the pain behind.
Yes I know I’m loved.
Yes I know I’m depended on.
I think they will be stronger.
They will be smarter,
And learn more from the world,
A world in which I don’t exist.
Someone better to take my place
He will find her when I’m gone.
And she will be so much more than I could ever be.
In time he will be happier,
And I will be at peace knowing
I made the right choice for him,
For them,
For me.

Droplets warm upon my back.
Cleanse this imperfect skin.
This imperfect soul.
With your clear purity.
Wash away the wrongs.
Droplets gliding down my tangled hair.
Cleanse these tangled thoughts.
Cupping hands to take my fill.
Crashing waves upon my face.
Wash away the pain in my cheeks.
From fake smiles and self-aimed looks of disgust.
Droplets hiding me under their falling stream.
Let me close my eyes and pretend I’m free.
Wash away my being.
I can be clean. And pure. And clear.
I can be someone else.

Catch me with your little laugh
So powerful yet so small.
Pull me from that dark place
With one tiny sound.
Oh little boy you’ve done it again,
I can’t stay sad for long.
Contagious in its way,
I cannot help myself.
Even just the thought of your laughter echoing in my head,
Makes the corners of my lips curl up in a grin.
You have no idea how many times that sound has saved my life.
Just like that perfect little smile.
So mischievous and innocent all at once.
Your spark, little Firecracker, lightens this heavy heart.
Someday you will light the world.

You felt like home, but home is toxic.
Though I took comfort in knowing, we understood one another.
The trauma bonding.
The need to share the darkest parts of myself.
And so formed an unhealthy obsession, clouding my judgement.
You made me feel like someone I wasn’t.
You put words in my mouth.
You didn’t understand me.
You made me out to feel crazy because you misunderstood my intentions.
You made me feel ashamed of my self deprecating and my defense mechanisms.
Ashamed of the things that have always protected my heart.
You lit the flame on the stove until the fire angered me.
Why did I go back for more?
This is not me.
I’m not a dumb girl.
I know I deserve better.
Thank you for making me walk away for good.
Because I had someone else.
And he’s everything you’re not...Communicative, invested in my pleasure, invested in me.
The sun has never shone so bright on the rainiest day.
How healthy and happy it feels.
To be reassured, appreciated, and seen.
To feel **** and confident and beautiful.
As you continue to search for something you'll never find.
Your soul is emptier than mine.
Any love I felt for you was false.
I wish I could take back all the things I shared with you.
I wish I could not feel the need to write about you now.
I wish I didn’t even think about you.
You’re not worth this space in my head.
You were never worth the space in my heart.

Hurt led me to you
And while new
It feels like kindred spirits
And animalistic desires
From comfort to fire
Want to be wrapped in your tall arms
Like a warm blanket
Protect me from harm,
You match my energy
Performative and emotional
Just like me.
Yet so masculine, in the way you make we feel.
Makes me squeal like I’m young and light
Star of my dreams at night
A smile that won’t go away.
Hope we get the chance someday.

Golden ringlets upon your tiny head.
The first thing I saw through weary eyes and a heart so full.
Like swirling sunsets against the deep blue sea of your eyes.
Beyond the exhaustion and pain and tears was a greater love and joy and fear and wonder.
Soft cries over laughter and hospital noises.
Like a graceful song  unknown to my ears, but carrying a tune of familiarity.
Curves around your nose and cheeks setting above rosebud lips.
Tiny pink hands with their warm curling gentle grip hugging my forefinger.
After nine months of loving you without a name,
Feeling your movements as you grow. Planning and daydreaming and questioning everything.
Excited, terrified, mystified.
Finally, my sweet girl.

Searching for a pill to **** the pain of thought.
An internal battle I have fought for so long but will never triumph.
Is there a ledge or an empty stairwell?
And if I fall, can I close my eyes and feel nothing at all?
Someone out there must have found the way.
Bothered by the inconvenience of life.
The disturbance of a beating heart.
Is there a blade that causes no skin to bleed?
Is there a rope to feel soft and warm around my neck?
A bottle of poison so sweet to drink.
Does anyone know?
Maybe a pillow pressed hard against my face will be a breath of pure fresh air.
A bullet to remove the migraine from my brain.
A knife to the heart to stop the pain in my chest.
Someone please answer. Give me your best recommendation.
I’ll be waiting.

Roaring fires
Sweet smells rising from oven
Mixed with the crisp pine of a freshly cut tree
And the sound of their voices.
Excited with anticipation and spirit.
From cold icy air to warmth in my home.
And it’s always been my favorite.  I bask in the joy of these little things.
Comforted by the familiar tunes and films we watch year after year.
But this empty feeling in the depths of my soul, stagnant and ever-present, won’t let me embrace my usual happiness.
Wanting to enjoy but this uneasiness, this overwhelming darkness, clouding my surroundings.
Push it down and push it down.
Ignore it again.
I’ve become an expert at pretending.
False laughter.
Trying to keep it all together for everyone else.
He told me, “You’re the glue,” but what good am I if nothing sticks?
Adding to this never ending list,
Feeling broken and hopeless.
So yes, it’s always been my favorite.
But this year feels different.
I’m just not myself anymore.

I am tired and confused
Insecure and self-abused.
I am awkward. I am shy.
I am goofy, I am dry.
I am grateful, overjoyed.
I am selfish and annoyed.
I am clumsy. I am lazy.
I am laid back. I am crazy.
I am loyal. I’m betrayed.
Sensitive and so afraid.
I’m uncomfortable and lonely.
I am real. I am phony.
I am overstimulated.
I am loving. I am hated.
I am overwhelmed and stressed.
I’m anxious and depressed.
I am ugly. I am sad.
I am innocent. I’m bad.
I am cautious, disappointed.
I’m standoffish and disjointed.
I am curious and caring.
I am strange and overbearing.
I’m mysterious and pained.
A free spirit and contained.
I am sick and I’m distracted.
****** and unattractive.
I am angry I am friendly.
I am boisterous and deadly.
I am laughing. I am crying.
I am funny. I am dying.
I am trapped and I am free.
I’m ****** up, but I am me.

When you live as an imposter, life feels like a cage.
Smiles are a disguise.
Carrying on a conversation feels like acting in a play.
Inner thoughts and emotions implode like a shaken soda bottle.
Finding a safe space to be unapologetically you, is slowly unscrewing the cap.
How good it feels to let the pressure out, to let the air in.
Breathing and bubbling over the brim,
Spilling out of the bottle, feeling refreshed.
Let them soak you in.
Let yourself feel.
Let yourself be.
Be you. Be free. But be careful.  
It won’t be long until the liquid turns to blood dripping from the heart on your sleeve.
You feel too much.
You are too much.
The bottle explodes and they drink you dry.  
The panic and rush to collect as much of yourself as you can.  
You can’t be you, you can’t be free.
Back in the bottle.
Back in your cage.
To be the imposter once again.

I roll my eyes at her.
Get over it, whiny child.
You’ve got love, and a roof over head.
Who cares if you don’t feel like you?
Clothes strewn about the floor.
***** dishes piled in the sink.
Children staring at a screen.
Deadlines catching up.
Snap out of it.
Cries for attention ignored, as they should be.
You don’t deserve help.
You’re acting like a little *****.
And she remains transfixed.
Ignoring signs.
Distracting herself. Talking to strangers.
Indulging in self pleasures.
And writing words.

Kicking myself for getting so lost. Ashamed that I have gone this far.
Trying to find my way back home, leaving there with just a scar.
I am sorry I was gone. And I promise now that I will stay.
Sit back and listen to the story of how I almost lost my way.
I wondered through a hidden sea, and stumbled upon a hidden land.
The native people just like me,  filling voids to understand
Why they felt so sad, so lonely, and how could they make it better?
They never found the answers there, but suffered through the pain together.
They came there to run away. And leave the real world behind.
Even if just for the day, they searched for truths they couldn’t find.
The comfort of distraction, the addiction to feeling loved.
I ate it up and swallowed it, but knew that it was not enough.
I got lost along the way, placed my real life on a shelf.
Gave into the temptation and relief to show my hidden self.
I followed them, like a cult. I loved the way they made me feel.
But it was just manipulation, as pieces of me they did steal.
And rather than leave then, I swam back through the hidden sea.
I only wanted more of them. I wanted more of that version of me.
So I came back again and again. Lost inside this universe
And what I thought made me feel better, only made me feel much worse.
Deep down I knew, that I should leave and come crawling back to you.
So many times you pushed me there, until it became all that I knew.
But now I feel they’ve broken me. As I lay here bruised and wet with tears.
Awake from this toxicity. And ready to face the real life fears.
Kicking myself for getting so lost. Ashamed that I have gone this far.
Trying to find my way back home, leaving there with just a scar.

A piece of me upon your eyes.
To see this smile and watch it hide.
Door cracked open just enough
To look but not to fall in love.
Happy hazels look away.
No deep stare to see their pain.
Tangled chestnut covers face.
Always slightly out of place.
A piece of me upon your ears
To hear me laugh over the the tears.
To speak with words I don’t believe.
And hope that they won’t make you leave.
Singing songs with happy notes,
But lyrics of sad anecdotes.
Only whispers, only shouts.
To keep from figuring me out.
A piece of me upon your hand.
To slip through fingers just like sand.
A touch as gentle as the air
Not quite enough to make you care.
Just a brush of skin on skin.
Just enough to let you in.
But not so much to make you stay.
Again I watch them run away.

We are two waves upon the raging seas, pulling away in opposite directions.
Words like the harsh winds of an autumn storm. Swirling and circling waters of deep blue.
Rising up in competition, lifting high above the surface.
With  edges of foamy white that fold slowly..quickly tumbling downward.
Hear the shout of broken water... crashing upon the shore.

What happened to those pleasant summer days? With the calm, graceful dance of the  waves swaying playfully in the warm sun.
Gliding smoothly  on the sand like pages turning in a book.
Rocking slowly beneath the moonlight.
Whispering it’s gentle song.

Not these enraged, hostile waters I can barely recognize.
Waves strangled by more waves.
Slowly sinking down to the ocean floor.
Trapped.

I am the blue sky turning grey.
The faded smile.
The dark clouds blanketing the sunshine.
Silencing the happy chirping birds and buzzing lawn mowers.
Small tiny drops like pins upon the backs of necks.
A rolling trail of tears down sliding down my cheeks.
Feeling relief in letting go.
Widening the open sky.
Beautifully cleansing rain.
Falling, flowing, splashing on the pavement.
Breaking these walls and setting me free.

Do you think I’m unaware?
More importantly,
Do you think I care?
That look in your eyes. I know it well.
And I know your lies.
Do you think I can’t tell?
But it’s fine.
Because I’m doing the same.
And you know I am.
It’s not like I have shame.
At least I can be honest to you.
At least I can confess.
Maybe not to everyone, but you know everything, more or less.
So don’t blow smoke up my ***, boy.
I know that look.
I’m onto you.
I read you like a book.
Just tell me. I won’t be mad.
If you only knew what I do
When he makes me sad.

Day in, day out, living in your house
Good morning goodnight, but you don’t see
Death behind eyes and cries in the middle of the night.
But you don’t see
Hiding in devices. Making sacrifices.
Forcing happy for survival so they won’t see.
Close your eyes until we get to the “for better”
While I rot away in “for worse”
Blowing up like a balloon about to burst. But you choose not to see.
But I will watch everytime you leave.
Wish I didn’t feel the need to fill these voids.
Wish the little things didn’t leave me so annoyed. Wish I didn’t have to cry secretly, I’d wish you’d see… I want you to see me.

Shred it
Shed it
Peel it back
Layers upon layers Of
Self hatred and proclamations of defeat
She lies beneath
The temptation and slow exhaustion and insecurities
The blurry eyes that can’t see past the blinding tears.
Flying fabrics and a obscenities.
Panic-beating heart.
Anxious and afraid.
Go find her.
She’s waiting.
Calmly and brave.
Deep breaths. Steady.
Put together and ready.
The clear path awaits.
Try harder. Go faster.
Gain confidence. Wake up. Don’t give in.
She can and she will.
Overcome And find the love within.

What have I done?
It happened so fast.
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone,
Making promises that this time was my last.
Hanging my head down low,
Avoiding judgmental knowing eyes.
Although I know they don't know
Expression can't hide through disguise.

You can wash your hands, but they’ll never be clean.
The future holds the past in thoughts unseen.
Unsettling heart and a racing mind.
Burning through the thoughts that keep you up at night.

I did this to myself.  It's only me to blame.
Don't play the should've would've could've game.
Can I move past the guilt? Can the blind eyes not see?
Someone knows something and someone is me.

Tonight I wrote the note
The goodbye
The reasons and the apologies
The pain to paper
Paragraphs of regret
A bad wife, because I know deep down he doesn’t love me.
A bad mother because I believe I’m destroying their lives
A bad daughter because I cannot live up to her example.
A bad sister and friend because I never reach out.
Why stay here in a world where I have ruined so much?
Why bask in my own misery when I could be free?
Free of existence.
My soul feels cold beneath my skin.
Dig deeper until I find her,  a buried flame
A small flame, but she fights. And she burns.
My tears will put the fire out
But all it takes is spark. Something small just to keep her burning.

I stare at the bare trees along these  streets.
Some houses run down but some stand tall and pretty.
The potholes in the pavement shake my car and wake me from my hazy thoughts.
A cracked window and a wind tunnel in my ear.
The air feels cold but the sunshine warms me.
There is beauty in it’s imperfection, and maybe I can relate.
Tiny buds forming in the ground on this cool April morning.
I carry my routine day in, day out
The comfort of familiarity. And the craving for more.
Like Tom Petty’s “Wildflowers”, the need to be free.
Holding this town like a blanket, security and warmth.
The classic go or stay.
Take a chance or be a coward.
The clouds like loose cotton swallowing me whole.
Like magic. Watch me disappear.

This thinning wall of my heart has searched for healing  over and over again.
Behind smiling eyes is a burning sadness.
Fake a smile, sing a song, fool them all.
I have a sunny disposition but a dark dark soul.
The louder I laugh, the harder I’m crashing.
Some days I wish to stay inside and never feel the sun on my skin.
Unaware of my own  adversity.
Unaware of the negative energy pervading the minds of those around me.
Wallowing in what feels like a bad dream.
When this beautiful life awaits on the other side.
Tiny voices bursting loud with laughter.
Calling one of my many names.
Reaching toward this twinging heart.
With joy never so pure.
But all the while,  the darkness waits in the shadows to consume me.
I try to run away.
A shrug of the shoulders to push the pain down.  Build a happy wall. They won’t see me break.
But buried within my eyes, the lonely girl lives inside.

I’m throwing cries for help at anyone who will catch them.
But I am far from athletic.
They will either fall at your feet,
Or fly right over your head.
It’s ok if you miss.
This game isn’t for you anyway.

I am tired.
Tired of pretending.
Straining to be happy to hide the ongoing misery.
Containing the anger floating steadily inside like a ticking bomb.
Tired of the everyday tasks.
Servicing everyone else’s needs.
Putting mine to the side.
Fighting to hold back for the sake of keeping peace.
Faking the sanity.
Keeping up appearances.
Tired of the endless dread.
Knowing nothing will change.
Feeling like a failure.
Defeated.
Broken.
Miserable.
Trying to change.
Trying to be better and never succeeding.
I’m tired of holding on.
Dangling by a thread.
Just wanting to let go.
Just wanting to be free.
Tired of being tired.
Of arguing. Of bargaining. Of explaining.
I don’t know how to make it stop.
Without losing everything.
Without giving in to this dark feeling.
This enticing escape. The only way I know how to wake.

Cheerfully optimistic at the start, she lived out loud with an open heart.  Feelings entered in, and she let them out. Like a revolving door, they spun around. They stomped on her, left foot prints. And she never even took the hint. Trinkets and traces of people and love. Until her heart had taken enough.  Not broken but bruised and jaded. And soon her optimism faded.Then brick by brick she built a wall, armor to protect from all. And those she trusted once before, she would’t let  in anymore. The ones who cared put up a fight. Convinced them she would be alright. But now they must go somewhere else, She’d fight this battle by  herself.  She’d hide from those inside her home, For she was better off alone.  She sang her own song, heard her own cries. Wiped her own tears from her eyes. Peacefully watching the day fall. In the lonely dark, just her and her walls.

Worthless. Invisible. What is the point if no one cares?  
Drowning in a sea of my own tears.
Falling in slow motion.
Waiting for the second part.
The crash and burn, the gut punch to my heart.
Beating myself up again.
You’ll decide in a matter to time.
I’m not worth it.
Crazy girl she hurts too much.
She loves too much or not enough.
Move on.
You’re better off leaving me here
I fantasize of how I’ll disappear.
Letters of goodbye to the world I leave behind.
Maybe I’m a coward but I truly believe
They all are and always were better off without me.

Head words to paper
Flow flow flow.
I’m in a writing mood.
Go go go.
Can’t turn off my brain
To pen from pain,
Feeding creativity. Watch it grow.
My heart wants to feel
Now now now.
Searching for healing
How how how.
The therapy of write,
May keep me up all night.
But it’s making me feel better somehow.