Day in, day out, living in your house
Good morning goodnight, but you don’t see
Death behind eyes and cries in the middle of the night.
But you don’t see
Hiding in devices. Making sacrifices.
Forcing happy for survival so they won’t see.
Close your eyes until we get to the “for better”
While I rot away in “for worse”
Blowing up like a balloon about to burst. But you choose not to see.
But I will watch everytime you leave.
Wish I didn’t feel the need to fill these voids.
Wish the little things didn’t leave me so annoyed. Wish I didn’t have to cry secretly, I’d wish you’d see… I want you to see me.

When you live as an imposter, life feels like a cage.
Smiles are a disguise.
Carrying on a conversation feels like acting in a play.
Inner thoughts and emotions implode like a shaken soda bottle.
Finding a safe space to be unapologetically you, is slowly unscrewing the cap.
How good it feels to let the pressure out, to let the air in.
Breathing and bubbling over the brim,
Spilling out of the bottle, feeling refreshed.
Let them soak you in.
Let yourself feel.
Let yourself be.
Be you. Be free. But be careful.  
It won’t be long until the liquid turns to blood dripping from the heart on your sleeve.
You feel too much.
You are too much.
The bottle explodes and they drink you dry.  
The panic and rush to collect as much of yourself as you can.  
You can’t be you, you can’t be free.
Back in the bottle.
Back in your cage.
To be the imposter once again.

Cheerfully optimistic at the start, she lived out loud with an open heart.  Feelings entered in, and she let them out. Like a revolving door, they spun around. They stomped on her, left foot prints. And she never even took the hint. Trinkets and traces of people and love. Until her heart had taken enough.  Not broken but bruised and jaded. And soon her optimism faded.Then brick by brick she built a wall, armor to protect from all. And those she trusted once before, she would’t let  in anymore. The ones who cared put up a fight. Convinced them she would be alright. But now they must go somewhere else, She’d fight this battle by  herself.  She’d hide from those inside her home, For she was better off alone.  She sang her own song, heard her own cries. Wiped her own tears from her eyes. Peacefully watching the day fall. In the lonely dark, just her and her walls.

Tonight I wrote the note
The goodbye
The reasons and the apologies
The pain to paper
Paragraphs of regret
A bad wife, because I know deep down he doesn’t love me.
A bad mother because I believe I’m destroying their lives
A bad daughter because I cannot live up to her example.
A bad sister and friend because I never reach out.
Why stay here in a world where I have ruined so much?
Why bask in my own misery when I could be free?
Free of existence.
My soul feels cold beneath my skin.
Dig deeper until I find her,  a buried flame
A small flame, but she fights. And she burns.
My tears will put the fire out
But all it takes is spark. Something small just to keep her burning.

Shut off the lights.
The dark looks beautiful.
I am not afraid,
To let go of this pressure,
Blind myself of all this light,
Let the night fall into darkness,
Leave the pain behind.
Yes I know I’m loved.
Yes I know I’m depended on.
I think they will be stronger.
They will be smarter,
And learn more from the world,
A world in which I don’t exist.
Someone better to take my place
He will find her when I’m gone.
And she will be so much more than I could ever be.
In time he will be happier,
And I will be at peace knowing
I made the right choice for him,
For them,
For me.