seeing their flaws
and loving them anyway

salty tears spill over my eyelids
i have spent so long resisting them,
scolding them, lashing myself
telling myself i am broken
for having a soft exterior
with cracks that allow life to slip through

but what if this is part of my beauty?
what if isn't wrong to feel
every morsel of life that it has to give?
what if it means i can understand you?
what if it means i can help somebody
feel more seen, and less afraid?
what if it means i am just being my version
of alive?

i will try to soften
around these cracks of mine
and have compassion,
love,
for these parts of who i am

today the past paid me a visit
the sweet, wonderful past

the past that is Coolidge Corner:
skipping through the rose garden,
giggling arm in arm with him;
walking through the swirling snow
to go cuddle in the soft blue bed with Espo;
taking big, satiating inhales and exhales
flowing with others at the studio;
laughing ourselves to tears
around mismatched cups and decks of cards;
fumbling through the scary road to our dreams,
hoping, holding, celebrating one another.

the past that is magical New York:
where I learned how to find myself
and find a sense of home in the park, in my friend, in runs and yoga and walks to sweet music.

the past that is my California home:
a home that no longer is the same,
but held so much growth and beauty.

Gratitude overwhelms me
the past is an unexpected, but beloved visitor

She helps me remember
just how quickly life changes
and to try to soak in the present
for it is unbelievably sweet
and holds pieces of the past
that I am so lucky to behold

It is hard to believe
Just how beautiful
Life can be

last time was a shallower love
one made up of saccharine treats
that made me feel momentarily full, high
but ultimately left me empty

this time will be a deeper love
a satiating one, a nourishing one
those sweet bits and bobs are there, of course,
but this time they are the dessert
rather than the main event

there are entire continents of my world
that you have yet to know

discover me

sometimes all that's left to do
is surrender

i feel like a piece of my brain is missing
some critical set of synapses
that soothes and calms
lives within you

Life is like
Making a baguette

It is about the process
(Though the end result is nothing to scoff at)

It takes work
And concentration

A focus and physicality
That brings a steady, simple joy

You will certainly mess up
But that’s okay,
That’s all part of the process

Fold it over
And try again

Make a bit of a mess
Find the beauty in it

Wait around a bit
Have a drink with friends
(Old and new)
While you wait

Et voilà!
There it is!
Bob appetit!
What a delight!

acting this way,
it's playing with my heart

you're teasing me

but I must admit,
I'm a more than willing victim

my throat constricts
my stomach shrinks and turns
my shoulders curl, tense
my fingers compulsively claw
at the skin around my nails

the thought of you
feeling how you feel for me
for somebody else
makes
me want
to
crawl
out
of
my
body

rules about what I can say
and what I cannot
are burying me alive

I can't breathe

last night we listened to my favorite song
you held me close
and hummed in my ear

the strongest sense of melancholy
hit me like a truck

because i don't think i could bear it
if i lose you
and this song becomes steeped with pain

please don't ruin
my favorite song

looking at your face
is like looking into the sun

bright, and warm

i can't bear to look for too long

but boy does it feel good
to turn my face towards your light
and let it wash over me

The sun is coming out
And my heart is sputtering back to life

i've spent three years pining for your love
and now i suppose it's time for me
to pine for mine

When I tell people
My dilemma-
To stay or to go-
It’s so simple to them

“Go forwards, not back”
“If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it”
“Do you love him, or are you in love?”
“Have new experiences, live your life”

I guess what I could spend
Hours and hours
And
Hours
Turning over in my head

Really isn’t so complicated
When you put it like that

this is new
the ears have been noticed

take me back
to rose colored glasses

I know what comes next
and I'm terrified

you, with an easy smile
lounging back on my white pillows
hair tousled
a laugh in your eyes

is this ache
old and familiar,
displaced?

or is this
a fresh wound,
scarlet red and alive?

there is no lonelier feeling
than lying next to someone
who is supposed to be your lover
and knowing they're not there

I find myself
reflexively
looking for reasons
to evade situations that might cause pain

I'm always alert,
stockpiling excuses
like armor
for a rainy day

I guess those old lessons
have seeped into my bones

I want to yell into my marrow
"you don't need those anymore!"

I want to breathe you in

let your warmth
fill every inch of me

how divine,
how exquisite
would that be?

I will always fill the pantry
with your favorite snacks to eat

I will always rub your back
when you need help going to sleep

I will always take your call
and hold space for what you need

I will always do my best
to love you, unconditionally

I don't tire of being with you
it's as easy as being alone
it feels like coming home

we ought to stay together

for he used to kiss my nose
and you now kiss my forehead
I am running out of real estate
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you warm my frigid hands
and call it your purpose,
thawing out my fearful heart until it melts
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you held me while humming my favorite song
and I couldn't bear it if that memory
one day became tainted with pain
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you always make my coffee first
and you help me out of the crossword when I get stuck
and you gift me videos of spoken word love poems
if only for these reasons
we ought to stay together

they say that eyes
are the window to the soul

yours are a humble green
soft, and steady
they don't shout at you
but they make you feel safe, and warm

what rests behind that window
must be pretty beautiful

i could look all day long

is my love for you

it fills up every inch, every pore
it spills out of my mouth once i can no longer bear to hold it in
it runs constantly through my mind like a song stuck on repeat

i hope this never stops

every glimpse i get of you
makes me want more

even the messy parts,
the dark parts,
especially those parts

you're no false god

you're whole
and complex
and flawed

i see you
and all i want is to get closer

his bottom lip bears two (adorable) freckles
his arms are solid and curved in a way that is addictive to touch
his hair waves deliciously
his eyes reveal new colors each time I look into them
his eyelashes are a warm, soft brown
his stubble casts a handsome shadow along his jaw

lucky am I to behold these details

i trusted in him
and let my love grow

now i see how his didn't
and there's no guarantee that it will

will this work?
i am terrified

why does doing the right thing
have to be so torturous?

it must be no coincidence
that they call it "falling"

i'm afraid of heights

and the brink of love
is terrifying

even more so this time
now that i know
just how much it hurts
to lose

why is it that
a wide open day
full of possibilities and options
leaves me feeling like
I've got to fight tooth and nail
to keep sadness at bay?

why does my own company
make my mind whirl?

why does my time
beg to be filled, planned, maximized?

it's remarkable how
just one little thing
can buckle my knees
and send my mind tumbling away

i woke up to your absence
i feel hollow,
ghostlike

i decided to take a walk to try to feel okay

i pass through places
that once screamed with color
but now feel gray

a piece of me
left
when you did

my head was in the crook of his shoulder
as we discussed the following day's plans

i said, "believe me, i'm a planner"
he said, "i know, i've seen your lists"

i said, with a scoff, "you should see my brain"
and he said, "it would be beautiful"

and that was when I fell,
with a thud

there's no going back now

with each step that I take
wading deeper into these waters

echoes of waves past
wash over me

it's disorienting

i want
all of you

is that too much to ask?

sometimes words
slip out of his mouth
before he has a chance to notice

some people's unfiltered appraisals
are ugly, painful, taboo
not his

his are brimming with kindness
born of empathy
glimmers of an inside of pure gold

now that I've given you a piece of me
please take good care of it

God, I hope
I didn’t make a mistake

listening to music
helps me remember who i am

I can't help but notice
that we haven't exchanged
those three particular words yet

If we were just friends,
I would have said them by now
because I do love you

But if we were more,
not quite.

They would be reserved
just a while longer
because they'd mean something more special

have you also bit your tongue
for a reason?

when I showed you a part of me
that wasn't too pretty

you said,
"I look forward to my future"

and you meant it

last night you told me that you love me

I felt hope,
and fear

I hope that you mean this
but I fear that you don't

I think I put up
more walls than I realized

to protect myself
in case things fell apart

I need you to show me
to help me understand
that your words are true

I so desperately want
to exhale

I find myself often wondering
how did you come to be?

you are simply
miraculous

"How has it changed?"
they ask

how has it changed?
well,

like how dawn turns to day,
in a thousand sparkling ways

you have become
a vessel for my thoughts

an us has been born
that we both simply adore

a thread of security and importance
ties together all that we do

please let this not
be too good to be true

i can see it in your eyes
say it

I want all of your minutes
every hour, every day

Each moment spent together
fuels my desire for more

Time spent without you
is insipid, anticipatory

I'm not usually this way
you've made me greedy