it is your fault
that i am tethered
to my notifications,
like an addict

every passing moment
i can't help but sneak a glance,
take a hit,
go for an emotional ride

my mind is swirling
with hope
that yours is too

I can see the emptiness in your pixelated eyes
the effort in your virtual smile

This distance is like a glass plane
I can see your pain, but I can't reach it, can't reach you

If I could, I'd hold you close,
nuzzle into your side
scratch your back,
empty your mind

my baby this too will pass
but it doesn't feel that way just yet

images of last night keep turning over in my mind

you said
"i need you"

you can read my mind
without me saying a word

you are
miraculous

please
please
please

let this work out

last night you told me that you love me

I felt hope,
and fear

I hope that you mean this
but I fear that you don't

I think I put up
more walls than I realized

to protect myself
in case things fell apart

I need you to show me
to help me understand
that your words are true

I so desperately want
to exhale

he is
warmth

it envelops me,
comforts me,
until I melt.

he is
generosity

giving, persistently,
insisting that I allow myself
to receive.

he is
steadiness

without fail, he is there
there is no better gift
than trust that is deserved.

he is
miraculous

It was so nice to think
that things would have worked out
had we been dealt another hand

but I can see now
that that’s not true
and that that’s okay

Telling myself lies softened the blow then
but I am stronger now
strong enough to look the truth in the eye

You are not the one for me
We would never have worked
We are better off apart

Brighter loves are coming our way

seeing him
felt like missing a step

the ghost of a long-gone foundation
made my stomach drop

in this city
where the building dwarf me
and a melee of sounds and smells pelt me
and i have to shuffle quickly to avoid the people darting towards me

i have never felt more alive

i can see it in your eyes
say it

I don’t think about you so much anymore
And when I do
Everything feels softer

Other men have kissed my lips,
Touched my body

The first time I wasn’t ready for it
The second time I was

My current reality
was incomprehensible
to my (not so) past self


Time is a heck of a force
It plowed through our love,
our connection

It cut me dry;
it set me free

his fingers are my muse

they pluck out melodies on the guitar
with such ease,
such grace,
such control
they do his bidding
and create something beautiful

those same fingers
dance over my skin
sometimes they're soft,
sometimes they're rough,
they know how to make music out of me,
how to create something beautiful

my love for him eclipses his for me
****, that hurts

you are so warm
it pours out of you —
your hands, your eyes, your lips

you thaw out
the parts of me
that are frigid

you said,
"I feel very
observed"

perhaps because
you're an unsolvable mystery
a dazzling wonder to behold

I can't help but analyze
every angle
every clue

you're captivating

just please don't scurry away
from the eye of my scrutiny

This is a first for me.
We've opened the door
to more
once we'd already learned each other,
seen each other,
known each other.

(Though there's more to discover,
of course.
In fact,
each time
I offer you a peek
into a new corner
of my terrain,
it feels like
the greatest gift
I've ever received-
to have you know me.
It's unmatched
only by the gift
of allowing me
to know you.)

So anyways,
I don't know the rules here.
The how-to book
on falling for your friend
must be checked out at the library
because I'm at a complete loss
as to what to make
of these feelings.

Is this too fast?
too much?
will it change?
will it grow?

all I know is
more and more these days
those three words
skitter through my mind

what am I to do!
I can't help it!

I've been without a home for a while now
Having as much adventure as time will allow

I have climbed mountains and I have seen stars
I've danced and I've traveled wide and far

But to be honest what gets me through
Are thoughts of coming on home to you

Of you being the last place I will land
Of yours being the roots upon which our home will stand

Because then when we adventure together I know
I will always carry with me a sense of home

Real, true friends
My evenings to spend as I please
Freedom from wondering when you’d call
Confidence in my desirability
The ability to make choices without explanation
An understanding of heartbreak
An appreciation for my strength
Liberation from guilt and obligation
Courtship and romance
Perspective on my wants and needs
Standards for what I deserve
Love for who I am

It feels so wondrous
to spend time with people
who make you feel light as air,
who make you forget
all thoughts of yourself

I got too tired
of pushing against the grain

it just wasn’t worth it anymore

I don’t think that love
is supposed to have so much friction

you told me that you love me
because i make you feel safe,
and loved

well when the sky goes dark
and the silence from my phone rings louder
and the voices in my head whisper faster

i hear:
you love me because i love you

(and god, i do)

but my dear,
i want to be loved
because i am me
(the way that i love you
because you are you)

so tell me,

could you ever yearn for me
the way that i yearn for you?

could you put yourself aside for me
the way that i would do without a thought for you?

could you see me, adoringly
the way that i see and unconditionally love you?

i don't know
but if you do
i need you to show me

Nobody tells you
That you won’t be able to listen to music
Because it’s all insensitively about love
Or unbearably true to your pain

Nobody tells you
That you’ll lose control over your mind
Because every last little thing will remind you of him
So you’ll have to fight through each moment just to be okay

Nobody tells you
That your body will feel cold
That you’ll tremble
And ache

And nobody tells you
That sometimes you’ll feel fine
And that those moments are the scariest of all
Because that feels like you’re losing them
All over again

I remember
Our first valetine’s day

We weren’t quite together yet
But we split an ice cream

You wore a denim button-up
And maroon pants

You looked good

You were telling some story
I don’t even remember about what

But I remember thinking to myself
“I could listen to this boy talk forever”

Now I don’t know if I’ll get the chance
And thinking about that makes it hard to breathe

But what I do know for certain
Is you were my first love
You are forever my first love
And I will always love you

This week I felt
the cool rush of air whipping past me
as I skated around the rink in Bryant Park
Hand in hand with my week-long somebody

I felt the sunshine pouring in through my window
then making me squint when I walked outside
warming up the cold air and waking up my sleepy eyes
illuminating the in-a-hurry 7:45am Upper East Siders

I peered into countless little worlds
on the street, in the airport, through windowpanes
each with its own sounds and smells
each so full of life

I heard a new song on the bus
I shared a drink with an old friend
I shared a kiss with a new one
I bustled
I paused
I lived.

I am going to be okay

tonight
old pain
reared its ugly head

i felt alone
unwanted
uncared for
unseen —

not enough

he held me until the pain went away.

i used to think
i had a native tongue

that i'd have to study,
put in the work,
to speak another

but somehow with you
i am fluent in them all

i want to breathe love into you
in all its forms

we were a big bang
a beginning
beautiful, prolific, thundering

the bang created matter
it created so much that mattered
but it also created space

as time went on
the space got larger, it expanded
as the noise got softer

the matter was still there,
just farther apart
still beautiful, just changing

our universe got so large
that it was foolish to cling to each other any more
you can’t fight gravity

since we let go
and let our orbits run their course
I feel so free, so strange

a great deal of space separates us now
and our orbits are uncharted
but we will always have come from that big bang

i'm at war with my mind

it's a swirl of jealousy
and images
and song snippets
and interpretations

that carry me away
down a tumbling inner road
away from the now

my eyes grow glassy
i pick at my nails

why is my grasp on myself
so loose?
so fleeting?

**** you

I wish I could put
all of these blessed moments
in a bottle

something to tap into
when I need to find a sense
of warmth, of love

it'd help me keep from
endlessly turning them over
in my mind

but they're so **** beautiful
they deserve to be noticed,
don't they?

Amidst all the chaos
In my mind

There’s one phrase
I keep coming back to

“I’m so lucky
To have loved you”

What do I want?

It wasn’t working with you
It couldn’t work with him
It’s not working with who it should

Maybe for now
I’ve just got to make it work
with me

it's hard to fathom
how a person
who feels like an unshakeable part of your world

like the ground under your feet
or the sun in the sky

can become nothing but a ghost

sometimes i feel so afraid
that you'll never love me
the way i love you

It’s almost like
The very act of us falling apart
Is what let me see you clearly
For the first time in a long time

There in the rubble lay
What I doubted and pined for
What I ran myself into circles looking for
Pure, golden love

it feels like
a sucker punch
right to the stomach
right when you least expect it

it knocks you out
and leaves a bruise
that will take a long while
to heal

but it will

When I was younger
I used to notice with wonder
all the exquisite details of earth

the wiggly wet earthworms that came out after a rain
the pompous blades of grass that sprung up in the spring
the twinkling rays of sun peeking out behind swirling clouds

I sure knew what I was doing, huh?

I so badly want
You to be the one
To make this feel better

But I guess this time
(and the next time, and the next)
It’s got to be me

The thought of other people
Stepping in to fill the role
That you just left
Kills me

I love the way you see
And hear
Other people

With such openness
And respect

You see the best in everyone

I suppose what you see
Reflects what you are-

Pure gold.

I'm not supposed to think about you like that

it's supposed to help
it does help
putting a wall around my heart
lets me move through my days
unencumbered, content with what we are

but thoughts of more are powerful bait:
hook, line, and sinker
I'm carried away
down a whirlpool of imaginings,
analyses, desires, and daydreams

can you just rescue me already?

tonight we took a walk to get the brookline tab
after watching la la land

we both knew it wouldn't be there

laughing and singing, we made our way through the deserted streets
giddy, in our pajamas

we ended up at our park and found a bench for two

the crickets our chorus
the lamppost our spotlight

i held my breath, and took a leap of faith

because *******,
you're worth it

In some sick way
I enjoy the pain
I welcome it

Because that means that what we had was real
And that it’s not over
That you’re still here

my lightbulb burned out
and I can’t breathe

I have this tendency
Of running myself in circles
Until I am so very tired
And confused
And empty

You have this tendency
Of holding steady
No matter what

Eventually your steadiness
Lures me in
And I find peace
Nestled into the crooks of your arms

You balance me out

It feels like
A wave is building up in my heart
And crashing down
Through my tears

it feels like
the aftershock of an earthquake

or the wetness
that clings to the air
after a heavy rain

the storm has passed,
yet it lingers

I’ve been here a while now.

In this foreign land of flashing lights and rushing people,
Of too-small hallways and too-high-to-believe buildings.

I’ve pressed myself into countless crowded subway cars,
Jumped out of the way when my shower water inexplicably (but unfailingly) turns scalding hot,
Clocked in thousands of steps going up my four flights of winding stairs (the last one being the one that really gets you),
And woven through person after person on the street, as though I’m a car, like a true New Yorker.

I’ve been out here all by myself
In a place that feels as far from home as could be.

But I must say
The strongest sense of home
Has crept up
And stricken me
A few times now
When I’m not expecting it.

Home is
The feeling of going on a run
The familiar sensation of pushing myself to just keep going
The reward of a beautiful view
The tried and true playlist I know so well.
I discovered this little snippet of home the first time I took a run in the city, along the East River around twilight.

Home is
The feeling of walking into a yoga studio
The familiar creaks made by bare feet padding along wooden floorboards,
The familiar scent of lavender and burning candles
The challenge of flowing through these poses I’ve held a thousand times
The comfort of being told at the end that all I have to do is let the earth hold me
I discovered this little snippet of home the first time that I took a yoga class in the city, at New York Yoga.

Home is
The feeling of working my way through my morning routine
The slow, peaceful ritual of brewing my coffee and heating up my muffin
(then slathering it with almond butter)
The soft light and quiet morning sounds that accompany my morning reading
The migration to the couch as I continue to relax and ease into the day
The awareness that there’s nothing to hurry to, nothing to do but to enjoy this moment
I discovered this little snippet of home the first Saturday that I had to myself in the city, in my apartment on the Upper East Side.

Home is more of a feeling than a place, isn’t it?
It’s a deep sense of comfort,
A sense of, I know this.
It’s an exhale,
A soft flicker of contentedness
A suddenly visible string
Tethering you to what you know and love.

I am grateful to have found these little snippets of home
That made me forget that I am so far away

And soon enough,
This far-away place will start to feel like home, too.

I’d rather feel this pain
That makes it so hard to say goodbye

Than to not have you
To say goodbye to

I’m sitting here in a park
The park we went to before we said goodbye, actually

It’s the first Saturday since you were mine
And it’s the first time I’ve paused for long enough to catch a breath

It’s a little hard to catch
To be honest

We talked on the phone earlier
It was good to hear from you
But it was hard to connect
(I guess that’s why we ended up here in the first place)

God, I just want to feel close to you
And I can’t right now
I can’t
And that makes my head spin

But I’ll breathe through it

The world is carrying on around me
Kids are playing
Dogs are exploring
Boats are passing
And I keep on breathing

I’m going to make it through this
I’ll carry on soon

I still want you to know my details
And I want to know yours

God, how are we going to do this?