"It wasn't your fault"  
The words follow me wherever I go;
inked into the many pages of a torn journal,
etched bloodily into the flesh of my arms.
Haunting me endlessly and echoing inside my mind in bursts of staining black.

"Why do you hurt yourself?"  
I want to scream an answer to this question,
yet I never do, I never will.
I don't have the answer they want.  
Yet my mouth wants to spit the venomous words out at them.
My tongue, however, is empty of the truth.
I smile condescendingly at their horrified faces, doing whatever I can to escape.

"Just be a good girl and everything will be fine"  
Can you not understand?  
I'm not good.
I'm bad, tainted,
my very essence
poisoned and corrupted.
  Don't touch me.
I'll contaminate you.  
Just stay away, keep an image in your head of me, smiling, happy, innocent.
Never come close enough to look past my mask, and then  everything will be okay.
  I don't want anyone to put me back together again, I deserve to be shattered.

"You don't understand!"*
How many times have I heard that?
Too many to count.
Being misunderstood is part of me,
when people finally understand
, their empathy will eventually turn to pity
I can't stand it, hate would be easier to tolerate than sadness.
  Don't be sad for me, be sad for yourself,
you're much more important than I'll ever be.
Just leave me alone, if you get too close to me I'll hurt you.
  Somehow, I will.
I will kick my way around you,
until you have no other option but to loathe me.
But I deserve it.
I always break everything,
it's now my turn to be broken.

"It's not your fault."  
Sure, keep saying that while you're 'holding' me.
I know you don't mean it.
But I'll nod my head like the doll I should be,
as if I believed you.  I'll just go along with it.
The need to make me feel pure, good…
shut out all the other signs.  
My hands can't stop shaking,
the cuts I inflict upon myself are pale white yet swollen.
The scars are reminders of how I deserve pain,
and the hideous ecstasy that comes along with it.  
But just ignore them, I don't want you to know anyway.  
Keep repeating those words to yourself, over and over again, trying to reassure me
I'll just sit there and nod soundlessly.
Watch me smile the way you want me to as I repeat it back to you.
I'm blameless. It’s not my fault.

You won't even notice the lie behind the words………
blameless…
shameless…
faultless….
guiltless…

have the mumps and itchy lumps,
my tummy's awful sore.
I have a cough, my arm's fell off,
my throat is red and raw.

I have big spots and polka dots,
flashing before my eyes.
My legs are broke, no it's no joke,
as if I would tell lies.

I've got the flu, Atchoo Atchoo,
I'll just miss school today.
Of course I'm sick, no it's no trick,
oh what a thing to say.

I've got the shakes and my head aches,
it hurts so very bad.
And what a bind, I've gone night blind,
why are you laughing Dad?

I almost forgot about tooth rot,
and frostbite of the toes.
I feel unwell, I cannot smell,
because of my blocked nose.

I'm far too ill to take a pill,
for they just makes me gag.
I feel so sick, please Daddy quick,
pass me the paper bag.

No need to phone Dr.SawBone,
he is a busy man.
I need no shots or creams for spots,
just soda and a fan.

My speech is slurred, my vision blurred,
oh mummy I should rest.
Now that's not fair, as if I'd dare,
to dodge my English test.

You're not impressed, I should get dressed,
and stop this sad charade.
My Dads no fool, he phoned the school,
and said I'd overlaid

My innocence was not for you to take
******* life out like a poisonous bite
Apples rotting like my soul
Never beautiful will I feel again-

Fantasized
Driving off bridges
Popping pills
Sick thoughts clouding
Little girls’ mind

Death I wished upon myself
You turned me into a broken mirror
****** from the shards or glass
No pain shall I feel only a sick sense of the sweet relief

Sickly sweet cooper tones
Sliding down porcelain skin
No love in my hearts home
No love in my brains decomposing shack

****-
Is not amusing
A glimmer of future life ****** out like a dementor
Bye bye childhood
You stole from

Innocent little girl should not defend
For their lives shouldn’t be placed into their hands
Rusty anchors lodge deep inside
A pain never shall be at ease

Hell shall be your only witness
Demons crawl from my soul locking their talons Into what’s left of you
How do you call yourself a man

Bars shall hold you in
If only I could grow some in my mind
Nightmares from those years
Only regressed into teenage tears