Snow Mountain

I walk alone these darkened hills,
can see my breath and getting chills.
My party left me long ago,
they didn't like my altered ego.
Snow blowing in my face,
they said they needed space.
Feet and hands becoming numb,
never have I felt so **** dumb.
Found a cave and there they were,
me freezing, them wearing fur.
Never has a fire felt so good,
not sure where they got the wood.
Then I noticed a very distinct odor,
they were burning our guide, Schroeder.
On the cave wall, I see four more dead,
eating the brains from their very head.
I yelled, What the **** are you doing,
couldn't believe what I was viewing.
They said, Shut up or you're next,
I got on my knees and paid my last respects.
Spinning the body just like a pig roast,
I'd be happy with just a bite of toast.
As I watched them eat the bodies,
if I had a camera, I'd make copies.
Days went by and I got hungry,
the human body tastes so chunky.
Finally something that didn't taste like chicken,
my body was getting stronger and beginning to thicken.
We never did get discovered,
ended up in hell, getting eaten by an evil buzzard.

Opposites

I say love, You say hate,
I say curve. you say straight.
I say yes, you say no,
I say stay, you say go.
We agree to disagree,
to my heart, you hold the key.
We both beg to differ,
seeing you makes it stiffer.
I say pizza, you say salad,
I say rock, you say ballad.
I say front, you say back,
I say tic, you say tac.
I say you, you say me,
I say pay, you say free.
Sometimes opposites do attract,
all depending on the chemistry contact.
Nothing will ever tear us apart,
we have a title for the last ****.
I say please, you say beg,
I say breast, you say leg.
I say ***, you say ****,
I say three-way, you say group.
Took forever to find each other,
almost gave up on the love buzzer.
Our love is so very strong,
we both have the favorite song.
I say food, you say drink,
I say Halestorm, you say Pink.
I say metal, you say alternative,
I say positive, you say negative.
I say blue, you say red,
I say single, you say wed.
Nobody said love was easy,
it can make you sick and queasy.
We love each other no matter what,
butterflies fill up our empty gut.
I say naked, you say clothes,
I say fate, you say chose.
I say car, you say truck,
I say ***, you say ****.
Love comes in mysterious ways,
this is real, not a phase.
Our love is happily ever after,
the key is a nice ***** and some laughter.

Calender Girls

Miss January, keeps me very warm,
make me glad, that I was born.
Miss February, covers me from snow,
oh man, can she really blow.
Miss March, knows her wrong from right,
never had a *****, so **** tight.
Miss April, is a famous **** star,
she likes to take things a bit to far.
Miss May, gives me an all day smile,
all month long, we walk the mile.
Miss June, looks good in Daisy Dukes,
I'm waiting on the line of Bo's and Luke's.
Miss July, blows me a birthday kiss,
she likes to hold it while I ****.
Miss August, wears a bikini thong,
then we smoke a big fat ****.
Miss September, wears a back to school skirt,
not sure if she even owns a shirt.
Miss October, likes to trick or treat,
her body tastes oh so sweet.
Miss November, lets me fill her turkey with stuffing,
at first I thought she might be bluffing.
Miss December, likes to sit on my lap,
her sweet ***, I like to slap.
I love, I love, I love my calender girls,
triplets with the youngest one in curls.
I love my calender, that hangs on my wall,
it makes my ***** stand so tall.
Even though it's all my imagination,
my train always leaves the station.

Ax To Grind

Blood dripping from the eye,
looks like Jesus starting to cry.
I stabbed you with a screwdriver,
blood gushing like a geyser.
Cut off your ears with some scissors,
blood flowing just like rivers.
Took a hacksaw to your nose,
felt so good, used it on tour toes.
I cut off your fingers with garden shears,
they were twenty bucks at the local Sears.
Chopped of your head with my ax,
I'm from the IRS, and you paid no tax,
We don't care if you have no money,
continue not paying and people become ******.
Burning crosses in your front yard,
I'm a white boy and kind of a ******.
When you run out of your house,
your home gets a gasoline douse.
In white robes we walk the street,
we sure hate the dark meat.
We're grinding the ole ax,
we're KKK and hunting blacks.
The problem is they fight back,
so we just give them some killer crack.
Blood dripping from the heart,
dragged the carcass to the local mart.
Hunting animals is what I do,
then I cook them in my famous stew.
Whether a shotgun or bow and arrow,
could be a bear or a helpless sparrow.
Sometimes a dog, sometimes a cat,
maybe a mouse, maybe a cat.
I'm a hunter on the loose,
how I love to **** a moose.
I use the skins as a rug,
I just killed an annoying bug.
I use my trusty ax to chop off their head,
now they hang above my king sized bed.
How I love to use my awesome ax,
whether for the IRS, hunting or torturing blacks.

True Story

Hello, do you remember me,
I'm the one with no college degree,
turned out alright, wouldn't you agree.
Always wanted to be famous,
I've been called an ignoramus,
until now, I was just nameless.
All I ask now is for a home and car,
haven't quite gotten that far,
everyday I earn a brand new scar.
Asking for enough money to live,
if only I could learn to forgive,
I still have a lot more to give.
At my age, I haven't done enough,
not making excuses about life being tough,
is it that wrong, to take a little puff.
Two great kids I hardly see,
but I know they totally love me,
it's too bad having kids wasn't free.
Just when things are going right,
the sun goes down, and it becomes night,
if there is a God, I bet he does it out of spite.
I do my best to outweigh the bad to good,
never did what I have should,
I feel like my life is misunderstood.
At the age when things are supposed to get better,
they never sent me that very important letter,
well it's middle age I'm about to enter.
Still I always try and be positive,
so what if I'm a bit provocative,
well that's my **** prerogative.

Tight Rope

If you only knew how I really felt,
sinking fast and starting to melt.
Feeling like Frosty in the summer,
I'm an idiot and getting dumber.
Losing brain cells by the minute,
used to have a name, now just a digit.
Not sure where I'm going,
up creek, I'm slowly rowing.
If not for bad luck,
I'd have no luck at all,
falling fast and nobody will call.
Bought a rope and made a noose,
can't handle any more of this abuse.
Got picked on my whole life,
my mind is in constant strife.
Now I have brain cancer,
and no one has the answer.
No one cares that I'm falling apart,
you can't fix this broken heart.
Tied the rope to a ceiling rafter,
I wanna die, happily ever after.
Found myself a nice sturdy chair,
life will just never be fair.
Kicked the chair out from under me,
started to choke, started to ***.
Body starting to feel very weak,
not another word did I speak.

The Cop

I'm a cop walking the beat,
about to retire with hurt feet.
followed a man who looked suspicious,
from the size of his gun, I knew he was vicious.
He went inside a hotel lobby,
acting all bossy and ******.
He took hostages, except for me,
I shot him dead and set them free.
That's the old fashioned American way,
plus I'm a cop, who wants his pay.
Next night I heard a woman scream,
getting ***** as he tried to spill his cream.
I also shot him dead,
for saving her, she gave me head.
All because I'm a good cop,
I offered to use the mop.
I shoot people who sell drugs,
their just useless stupid thugs.
I shoot first, question are for later,
my gun would **** the largest alligator.
Next night followed a woman, inside a store,
she was shoplifting, I thought maybe she was poor.
Followed he into her fancy car,
I shot that stealing rock star.
Got in some trouble on that one,
a cops job is never done.
Next night followed a molester,
following a young boy,
offering candy and a shinny new toy.
Saw him stalking in the park,
but I'm a cop, who's not afraid of the dark.
Took my shot, while he was watching,
it was the boys dad, I saw falling.
Retired early without a pension,
should have taken that course in safety prevention.