There are times when I sing to myself.
A deep bass voice ringing throughout my house is calming to me.
I don't know if it is my voice, or the action that relieves me, but whether I am happy, or sad something about just being able to sing makes it better.
I just know that some nights when I am alone as I usually am, I think of how great a life using my voice would be.
Lying awake in teenage insomnia, I can't help but feel like my voice could send a message.
I could let the message ring out, or I could simply whisper it to those who would listen.
I could be the voice of our generation, or the creator of the message the voice delivers.
I can't decide if I want to be known for my actions, or if my actions should be the invisible cause of peace.
Furthermore, people could spite my actions, and even if their reasoning for disliking me is bad I just want to make everyone happy.
I request an impossibility out of my voice, but if it is possible I can't see the right course of action to achieve it.
If I went mute one day, is there ever proof I had a voice?
In what way could I immortalize what makes me happy, and even if I can could it effect someone?
I want to live happily every day able to sing for people, and help people who need it.
I want my voice to be heard, but should I speak loudly or quietly?
I need to know before I run out of time to choose, and I lose the ability to feel again.

What is there left to write?
There is nothing left for me to say, so why do I now need to write more than ever?
In a poetic sense I am blank, so do I just want to give the world a message?
Losing the numbness all around me has caused me some pain, but I am really happy too.
I can't help but just want to take in the world, looking out over the hill I live on to change my perspective.
I can't imagine a brighter sight than those lights of the city from this point.
I can't imagine a better place to be, other than with people who I could share it with.
My chest swells with anticipation just wanting to see everyone again, to claim the world over again as a happy person.
I can't wish pain on another person, yet I can threaten it with my friends, playful or serious, because I know that I don't have it in me to hurt them again.
I hope I can have the courage to step outside my bubble, and to help others do the same.
I want to be an inspiration to someone, whether it be by writing what I feel, just being a good person, or advancing my field of work whatever it may be.
I just want to make the world realize that pain is a part of life, and that people shouldn't hide from it.
Sure it may bleed you dry, but if you let it take your personality away the only thing you will have left is your interests.
Whatever the case may be in your life, needing pain as a reminder that you are alive, wanting someone to share your pain, wanting the world to know you are there.
It doesn't matter, you just need to live to get it done, you need to chase after everything you want with an ambition that you feel can't be matched.
You can slow down your life to help others along the way, whether it hurts anyone in the process is just their willingness to move on with life.
I want to help everyone, I want to care for the people with no one, because I have been there too.
I want to make the world an easier place to live in by helping people with the pain life brings.
There may be some who don't want help along the way, their pride hasn't been shattered by pain.
That is the time in your life where you build up the walls around your heart, keeping your ego and your pride up on the top shelf so no one can knock you off your high horse except yourself.
The only real way to stop yourself from becoming that horseman is to let people in, remember how the world feels.
Let yourself remember all the times you enjoyed your life, no matter how far back you may have to search there is something in there for everyone.
A life with no happiness found in any crevice hasn't tried to experience anything new.
They haven't explored what they may or may not enjoy, they can't fathom being happy for any reason except the end of their suffering.
Whoever has reached that state, where they can't even remember being happy in their lives just needs to start over.
No one should try and exist without experiencing some form of joy every once in a while.
Give someone a hug, ask someone for a hug, apologize for whatever, make yourself aware of your problem, whether you can identify the cause, or if you are just a mystery to yourself.
I can't stop these words from leaving me, I just want my message to the world to be seen by everyone who can understand that locking yourself away isn't worth the price of hurting everyone.
Locking yourself away can't be the answer, because if you lose the key, you can't ever make it back to the ones you love.
You can't ever love anyone else in your life, and you can just become lost in the pain that you made for yourself.
Eventually I see those people start to only be able to feel again when they abuse substances, or when they hurt themselves.
Which I know they don't want it, but they forgot what anything but pain has felt like, and they want a reminder that they aren't just in hell, they are living it.
People who are alone, whether they fear that loneliness or if they relish in it can't really learn to express how they feel.
I learned through watching other people, I became a mirror until I lost that numb feeling that consumed me.
I know how people think again, I can see who is sad by their eyes, and it pains me to see people hurt when I feel like I have the power to help them.
Most refuse me, whether it be fear of pain, lack of trust, or excessive pride.
I want to make the world a happy place with the acceptance of pain.
I want to make life easier for people, whether I love them, hate them, or don't even know them.
Can I write the whole world a song so I can help people move on, or will the lyrics fall short and leave the people in pain with more questions about why they are suffering?
I want the people in the world who are hurt to remember that there is someone there.
You just have to look up and see that outstretched hand.
You can't often see them because they are far away, so you have to take the first few steps to them on your own.
Yet now that you can see them, you recall they were always there, you want to apologize to them, but they just welcome you back to the world.
I want this for the world.
I want acceptance of pain, and relishing in joy to be things that everyone is capable of.
Even if you feel like you have been shoved into the dirt to live alone, you will always have someone there.
Whether you know it or not depends on if you want to see the person who is there to help you, or if you just want to keep a firm grip on your pride.
My message to the world isn't as long as it could be there is no way it will be seen by the eyes of everyone, but if you like my message, just pass it around.
Maybe we can help people out of their pain, and back into the lights of the world.
Maybe, just maybe, we can help the ones we love the most.

1.
you said falling in love would be
that breath before the fanfare,
that clap of thunder that starts
at the timpani and catches in
the space between the horn
and your fingertips
before sending soundsparks shooting
down the finished brass.
you said it’d be counting measures.
said i’d feel it at my core like
the first chord after two-for-nothing,
something crashing through me
same as a conductor’s stick;
one and two and one and two
and one, two, three, four.
instead it tasted like stale
cigarettes and the halfbreath
you only remember to take
after the orchestra has started
without you.
2.
i’ve been trying to remind you
of when we waltzed to minor chords
in our best friend’s basement —
his piano fingers were rusting away
so all we said was keep it steady,
keep it three-four.
you danced out of time
and stepped on my toes but
by the end i was still reciting
"i’ll do better next time,"
one, two, three, one, two.
3.
when you weren’t looking
i circled all the fermatas
on your sheet music.
you found out and said
i didn’t have to,
you could remember
on your own.

Staring at your smile,
Only a photo.

Remember our bodies,
Together.

Our short kisses,
Draining my sad.

Your warmth,
Drying my rain.

Remember that hill,
We sat upon it.

We watched the swimmers,
None drowned.

We watched each other,
I fell in love again.

You asked me,
“Correct my clothes?”

So I did,
I fixed your bathing suit.

And I knew,
Right then right there.

I want to spend my life with you.

I watched as you drove
paying perfect attention to the road
tapping your fingers to the song on the radio
and this is when I should've known
that the road less traveled
always bring you back home
feeling as if you were never really gone

I watched as you cried
during a movie when someone died
and you said one of the characters still alive
reminded you of me
and I too, began to cry

I can still see you in perfect form
as sweet and innocent as you'll ever be
I imagine that when you were born
you didn't cry, you came into this world smiling

and that's how I'll remember you
an intelligent, kind hearted, lovable being
we're on the journey of life
I was passing through you
as you were passing through me

Soon  I will be done with the ledger of my adolescence
The sun is still in his puberty, though older than me
The moon is still in her perfection, a blessed queen
I have bejeweled you with the sweat of my love
And have garlanded your beauty with rubies and pearls….
Today you are the ocean of love,
And I the sunny heat of summer.
You came that day, Expecting for your arrival
Sun poured shower of anguish on my amethyst Panjabi
Out of the blue You appeared like an expected spring
In her colorful curcuma domestica costumes.
Your locks  under the veil of spring’s yellow umbrella
Still counting the days, the nights, the ongoing time,
Sometimes my heart in quest of a Time –machine….
We took  the weight off our feet under a Blessed tree
I touched your hand joining my two palms
The cold current of  spring was soaring  there
My ill-fated heart could not Kiss your "Petals of Blood"
I drowned, I drowned in my own made ocean……..

on my better days,
I sit in half-circles
with new acquaintances,
spilling half-truths,
smiling half-smiles,
wondering what I'll
wake up to tomorrow
and not remember.

on my worst days,
I remember everything.