I blocked out the world,
Closed myself in.
I busted the locks,
To make sure they stayed,
Shut.

I never opened up,
To know the sun.
I made friends in the shadows.
I made friends with,
The cobwebs.

This was how I protected myself.
Protect my home,
From burning down to the,
Floor.
Protecting myself,
I'd say.
Closed up,
My arms wrapped around,
My legs.
I will never open up.
My heart is shattered,
It is far too dangerous.

But we met that day in,
August.
A beautiful day in the,
Summer.
You said my name.
Ripples of shudders
You said my name,
And I have never felt the same.

You took your time,
With burned floorboards,
And broken locks.
You held my hand,
When I was afraid,
To open up.

trust

Rebuilding from the foundation,
Remembering that love is innovation.
You hold my hand through,
The toughest of renovation.

I'm opening the curtains,
Bringing in the sunshine.
I can't remember the last time,
I accepted this sunlight.
I'm warm again,
This is home.

I want to dance in the rain.
I want to sing,
Belt out every little love word.
We dissolve ourselves of shame.
I want to sing it with you.

I love it when you,
Say my name.

I plant flowers and prepare,
For May.
I smile just a little wider,
Than I ever did before,
The fires.
I feel new.

You brought the light,
Into this broken,
Old soul.
I remember that girl in the mirror,
I haven't seen her in
            years.

The winter had her hidden away.
Where did you find her?
Where did they hide her?

It's time we go out,
To play.

Your soul is empty of feeling,
This *** is empty of meaning.
My head is empty of reasoning,
My heart is not so forgiving.

Turns out every vile word was true,
******* me didn't mean **** to you.
A body is a prize,
Alive, to use.

And all the lies strung out for hours,
I tortured myself for a truth.

I had everything for proof.
Deny, deny,
But that was your **** in her picture.
That was your mouth on her body.
Your hands on her skin.

It was so funny when you thought you'd won,
Getting away with having twice the fun.
Smoothing it over with compliments,
"You motivate me to be a better person."
So full of ****, I almost cried.
But you were so stupid it was easy to smile.

I always lose you,
But you are so easy to replace.
Many colors and patterns,
Yet they all work the same.
You are never near when needed,
And I need you the most.
You always hide in the shadows,
Waiting for me to find you,
But this relationship is so one-sided.
With flames that burn the weeds.
Of this I'm always in need.
You are only to be lost,
Lighter,
In the hands of me.

The floor is starting to roll from underneath me..
I can't see
Through the fog.
The music is pumping
Throughout my veins.
My heart is set,
On vibrate.
My lungs might explode,
As the drug takes it's toll.
And the walls start to move,
Now I'm down on the floor..
Where is my friend?
Why did she leave?
Chelsea?
This guy helps me up,
As he fills up my glass.
I sip at the *****,
And dance to the beat.
I spill my drink.
He laughs at me,
And pulls me aside,
Asking me if I want a good time.
I think he means ***,
But possibly drugs.
And drugs,
Make everything twice as fun.
I asked if he's holding,
He said he was.
But only if,
I
Can
Please.
Exchange *** for drugs,
Man that sounds kind of rough..
But I do it.
And it was,
Fun.

Playing with needles,
And body altering chemicals.

Trying to feel something real.

Pushing the boundaries of life,
And happiness.

This is how you accept yourself.

This is how you killed yourself.

That emptiness creeps in,
I am alone.
Your mouth is moving,
But I can't hear anything but:

"..using me.."
He says.

"..using me.."

I am so breakable.
You're only speaking in,
Hypotheticals.
Is it this easy?
Disappointment in myself,
Is overwhelming.
When did I give you the power,
To break me?

It's too late.
I've already let you past the gates.
Infiltrated.
You know it all and,
I can't go back now.
I can't go back.
I don't want to,
And I don't know how.
This life is meaningless,
Without you in it now.

Don't walk away,
Don't shut me out.
Wanting you is the only thing,
This was ever about.

But one day you will not remember.
One day you will walk away.

I can go forever,
Searching the walls for smiles.
Higher.
You bring such a light.

If you can just keep smiling,
Everything might be alright.

"Give it a go,
Just hold it in, then blow."

Fly.

Cut straws remind me of that place.
The lingering smell gives me a headache.

Empty pens that we've misplaced..
Bring back the memories disgraced.

*Wipe that ******* smile off your face.

All my life is complied,
Of belongings in a fire.

Souls dancing in the summer air,
Laughing at the expence,
Of everything,
I've ever held dear.

Exposing my soul to another level,
Of suicidal rage.

Just another burn out,
In my history of pain.

You stumbled into that old bedroom,
I pick my head up off the floor.

It's way too early in the morning,
Just past four.

I hadn't seen you since the day before.

"Where were you?
Where would you,
Why would you go?"

I have no right to question you.
You're a man and you'll do,
As men do.

I have no right to question you.
On repeat,
You could not lie to me.
I should know better,
Shut up,
And trust you.
If I could just shut up,
You would explain.
But I choose to yell at you about,
Everything.

That's you,
Passing blame,
Pacing around,
Coming down,
In growing aggitation.
Throwing it,
In my direction.

Liar, liar.

I need indefinite space,
Between me and that look on your face.

Smoking another cigarette on the balcony.
Smoke fading into the morning sunlight.

You've locked me out again,
It's cold.

I fall asleep above the grass,
And promise myself you'll sober up.

Hours later you decide to open up.

I want to drive my knife into your gut.

He aims at his head
With the bullet
But he shot her
through
the heart.
And she cries..
"These violent delights
Have violent ends."
He was. She is.
She can't stand it.
Death in the form
of suicide.
In the youth's eyes.
He flies.
"There is no God"
She said to me.
"Because my Jamie is dead."
Hot, hot shower.
Skin is red.
"He's dead."

A cut, a straight line.

Bloodrush, I feel fine.

One for every lie.

One for every time he said goodbye.

Bloodrush.

I feel fine.

Push it down, deeper this time.

I hide my blade for another day.

I wear long sleeves to hide the shame.

I try to hold my heart together.
I can't keep doing it forever.
Everything is broken,
And everything is gone.

I let time pass,
But,
I feel every bit of pain,
All over again,
Every morning.

And I miss you,
And I ache for death.
I know that I am worthless.

I have survived,
With only half of my heart broken,
With as much dignity as what's been taken, and
Hope as far as I can throw it.

I have trained myself,
To be aware of what is worst to come,
To close my eyes in darker times, and,

To know that I cannot be loved.

I have faced,
A rope that leaps to outer space,
A cliff with rocks and waves down at it's base, and
Held on to,
A crack head with my name.

Although the lesson that I learn is never the same,
The outcome remains.
I was ruined,
Painted smile to be seen.
Never seeing the rotting core to the depths of me.

Healing.

You must first fall,
To stand again.

Straightened.

Days play on through decades.
Another needle to the arm,
And suddenly,
The little girl who calls you,
"Daddy,"
Can't jump into your arms.

She's much to tall.

And she remembers that day.
In the Arkansas fall,
She waited for the moment,
When you emerged in the driveway.

She thought,
"Not today.
I won't smile and pretend,
Everything is okay.
I will not cry into your arms.
I will not jump for joy into your,
Falsly,
Loving arms."

She thought she might accept the change,
instead she might,
Punch you in the face.
She might bite your hands when you,
Predictably,
Grab her to examine her face.

**"The years change you.
Look at how you've grown."

It isn't something you can change,
With words.
You look at me as if,
I could possibly change,
Anything and turn it,
My way.
But you have to know,
I've loved you every single day.
How much I missed that half smile,
Dancing on the edge of your face.
And the sound of your voice,
It's home.
Something they will never know.
And the days turn night,
Summers turn cold,
The world we have shifts,
Until the day you do as you're told.
Addiction like a suction,
Absorbed and concentrated,
You morph into,
Fragments.
In, then out of my door.
I count the moments in between.
The way you yell, and,
Every time I scream,
It's such a beautiful thing.
This sick game of parenting,
You've played onto me.

He trembles with it
In his shaky hands.
A thousand miles away,
She can hear his heart
Beating.
Beating.

Beating.

It's all she wants.
To hear his heart
Beating.
Beating.

Beating.

Hold his sweater close,
The smell
of youthful death.
An ending.
Out with a bang,
In with a gun.
In with darkness.
Brave.
Coward.
She can't live
With the guilt.
She can't live.
Because he refused life.

I find weakness and I seek this.
Awkward treatment,
And a past of bleakness.
You tie me up after I dance for you.
There's no blackness that this *** can't,
Rip through.
I find you charming in your soliloquies,
In fractured moments,
You're artless,
Dressed up in a talent,
So opulent.
Politically you're **** is,
Somnolent.

He looked at me.
He always knows
What's in my heart.
It always shows.
He knows my mind and outer fears.
He knows the signs I figure
Are unclear.
This guy,
He understands my world.
He loves me dearly,
And protects me so.
Although,
I do not give
Him the Time
Of Day.
He'll stay.
And wish,
Wish for me.
But I am not in
Love.
I am merely just
Loved.

I don't know how else to show you.
As a daughter of yours,
You'd think my voice had power.

But I have no authority.

As you so choose to remind me.

Powerless to sway you.

I wanted the chance to see,
I wanted to fight and get angry.

Bad blood,
That bad blood pouring in between this,
We need to drain it.

I want to fight until you die.
So I can stand over your grave and say,
That I fought for your life everyday.

But I know the drugs will take you.
They already have you miles away.
They'll take you in death or in a cage.

They'll take you and break pieces of me,
That pain harbors deep within.

Did you not care or just didn't see,
The layers of **** you piled on me?
Years of drowning under your mistakes,
Your excrement of mental shame.

I just want to win.
I want to be perfect and impressionable,
So I can say that change is not impossible.

But I will be the one at your funeral,
******* the man I love by your tombstone.

Just to ******* over in death,
The way you did to me,
In life.

I'll stand at the podium and laugh,
Laugh because everything I did was not,
Enough.
So my efforts will be humorious.

I'll be mad as ****; insane.
But it won't matter,
You will never see the pain.

I'll be free when they lower you in dirt.
I'll be free but it will always hurt.

Hot water showers over my skin.
Desire burning through our flesh.
Lost in the plastic curtains,
My arms drape over his shoulders,
Steadying myself upright with his,
Bones to lean into.
One foot steadied by the ledge of this,
Claw tub.
His fingers are lost in the lips,
Around my ****.
All I have to do is remember,
To breathe easy.

Pressure building within.

Skin burning red from,
Either the rush from under our skin,
Or the steady stream of boiling water.
Minds racing like rush hour.
Steam clouds the mirror,
Two shadows dance behind the curtains.
******.
******.
******.

His words encourage but,
I do not hear him behind,
The blood pounding in my ears.
I do not have the will,
To stand alone.

He holds me in perfect place.
Leaning into him,
I give it all in.
My body bursts wide open.
I can't feel my body hold him.
I am in suspension.

Fingers running up and down the walls.
Layers of dirt and crusted blood,
Build up in my fingernails.
These hands are not so frail.
Open sores and little motivation.
Climbing out from the bottom of this hole,
Gave bruises and cuts.
But I'm never going to give up.

And so the efforts may bring on weakness,
So tired.
But I look up to see the sunshine.
I see the inches bring me closer to,
The open air.
I chose to hold my head up.
Because if I look down,
If I look down to see the bottom,
I made into a home,
I'll forget to find the light.
I'll forget to fight for daylight.

I could have loved you.
It's in the back of my mind,
Every time I see that name,
Or hear that song.
Instantly I'm taken back,
To when we were young.
You smiled at me,
And I knew what it meant,
But I was terrified to love you.
I was terrified to try.
I didn't want to ever,
Have to say a real goodbye.
Then-
That night when the streets,
Were quiet,
And the rain was soft...
My world was crushed.

I ran to you,
Your door was locked.
But you saw right through,
And one look was enough.
Where would I be?
Where would I be, if we,
Were one?

I say the wrong thing,
In perfect moments.

My failures wait for me,
In the reflection,
Every morning.

Nightmares dance
Through my mind.
Pictures, motion pictures.
Often black and white.

My voice taunts my body.
I see every imperfection,
My voice will remind me,
To look,
Before I can forget.

My breath escapes me.
There is no room for air,
In,
Me.
I cannot inhale.

I cannot inhale.

Small shoes and,
Tiny dresses.
She holds my fingers.
And he takes another bottle,
From the fridge.
Puts it to his lips.
She's crying,
We're hungry.

I wake up from my dream.
It was not real
She is not real

He opens his eyes.
It's just us two,
And his breath still smells,
Like the wheat.

"Marry me" he says,
Smiling.
I can't.
I can't.
Live my nightmare.

I'm crazy, you say,
When it's convenient for you.
Use my medication,
As an excuse.

Write me off like my feelings aren't real,
Say what you want because,
You have no fear.

Who would believe someone like me?
Cutting my wrists just to see myself bleed.

"You're crazy, you're mad."

Don't make me laugh.
Being with you is what's making me sad.

Just a stroll along the moonlit river,
A train's bridge,
Far above the little town.
She talks of new horizons, so familiar.
"All of the open space,
You can see the horizon from here."

A long distance, and short time ago,
She saw no horizons,
She explained to him.

No opened glittering sky.
Smog and dust and steel mountains,
In the way of clarity.

True love trespassed on a train's bridge.

A waste of my time,
Spending hours watching windows,
Watching cars go by, that are not you.
I wish I knew,
That when you said you would be here for me,
It wasn't the truth.
Can't you just stay in my arms a little longer?
Wrap them around me,
Just a little bit tighter.
Give me a reason to believe in you.
Everyone around me uses youth as the excuse.
This is basic math,
Follow along.
If you add a promise but omit an end result,
Subtract honesty,
And add blatant disregard,
You end up with one.
Two minus one is just you.
Tell the truth.
I see right through it,
My brain sees the deceit yet,
My heart keeps on believing it.
"You will walk through my door,
You will not leave my bed tonight."
It only takes a little consideration to make things right.
I won't keep up the fight,
For attention. Not tonight.

I'm angry,
Because I feel old to you.
No novelty,
No desire to try and pursue.
Did you forget about me?
When's the last time that you,
Swept me off my feet,
And remembered to set aside a moment,
To feel complete with me?
Past the point of understanding,
I don't want this for my future.
Life unravels and people change,
But you went from extremes rather quickly.
You are not the same as you were,
In the summertime.
You felt my skin on yours,
I let your hands explore.
You put your lips on the fabric of time,
I felt it quiver with you.
But maybe that was all I am?
An escape from the busy,
And never,
Substantial or real.
You say you love and then remind me I'm not yours,
With the lies you repeat to all the world.
Nothing serious.

Stupid ******* girl.

It's too soon for you,
To look past me the way you do.
The walls around my heart are being reconstructed.
I loved too soon and that's my fault for trusting.

But I'm not going anywhere, alright?
Not until you force me out of your life.
As of now your arms are not that open..
So I'll stay at home and hope that I'm not broken.

Looking through a focus of,
Jealousy and hate,
I had lost sight in what is real.
Finding truth in a person,
Isn't what rage reveals.
She looks at me with desperate eyes,
Screaming to herself,
"Why?"
The world is never what,
You expect in the end.
To look into the enemy's eyes,
And make a friend.

I can't count the amount of times,
I've packed my life into,
Cardboard boxes,
Of all shapes,
And all sizes.

I sit in a room emptying,
more and more as the days pass,
And I ******* hate it.

Where is home?

But I push on.
Keeping mental notes,
Of where I put my daily routine's,
Bits and pieces.

Where is home?

It seems I lose more of what I own,
Everytime I pack away parts,
Of my tangible soul.

No, it's true,
I don't have many things.

It makes it easier for when I have to leave.

I collect the pain of my lovers,
I hoard the memories of my past selves.

I keep the worst of them on the top shelves.

Of course I miss you.
I'll never find another love,
Like the one we knew.
Sometimes I wonder,
If you miss me too.
If we could forget the past,
And start anew.
But then I remember,
All the ******* you put me through.

His rage ***** up into a fist,
Nobody loves me,
He says through his teeth.
A blow to his face, and then another.
Hitting himself is my punishment.

calm down

I hold his face,
It's soaked and burning.
Wrapping myself around him,
Protecting him from himself,
Screaming with whispers that
I've always loved you

He can't hear a ******* thing.

His arms are flailing
peeling me from him,
I'm locked, I won't let go,
And I'm telling him so,
But he can't hear a ******* thing.

"Nobody. Loves me."

Words fall flat and the air gets heavy,
He's silent, motionless.
The seconds are my punishment,
As his rage carries him to the stairs.

I hug myself,
Crying, again.
Why do you do this to yourself?
Pathetic.
Rocking, comforting my trembling hands,
His footsteps crack in the ceiling.
Bracing my body prepared to leave,
His footsteps weaken to the door.
I'm freaking out, I can't take anymore.
His first step is slow,
Then heavy and stomping,
He makes his way down..
And a shimmer of metal he holds in his hands,
Is put into a shotgun.

"Why don't you just, give that to me.
P l e a s e.."

At a crooked angle, it's in his head.
His eyes are empty.
My body is shaking, screaming,
dropping.
I close my eyes and
I can't ever open them again.

I have immersed myself in you,
Plunged, Submerged, Consumed,
Gasping.

This life is at a standstill.
I can repeat the lie but I know it isn't true.
What can you do,
When the future is thriving,
But the past is dead?
Those young faces are cold and distant.
I'm not the little girl I once was.
So full of hope and ignorant,
The small things meant much more to us.
I'm not letting go,
Or saying goodbye.
But I won't blame you if you try.

You grow up farther away,
From the truth of,
Our youth.
In the form of morning,
You approach me as if,
There was something to say.
But you always walk away.
Nothing else can see you,
In the light that I do.
But you press on,
As if you never knew my name.
Remember me,
When you're old and grey.
Remember me as if I stayed the same.

Are you there..?
I always think you're listening.

It's got me censoring.

Perhaps my thoughts are just so loud,
You can hear them through the walls.
My own thoughts are not safe here.
I yell so loudly,
That only sleep can keep it down.
Only sleep,
When I scream at myself.
Sometimes yelling is the only way,
To keep the whispers out.

I'm slurring my words,
And swaying back and forth,
Right here on,
Your front porch.

You've had enough,
But I want more.

You don't open your door.

I'll always want more.

Giving up,
I take a walk to the liquor store.
The clerk asks,
"Are you sure?"
I pay my fee, stumbling,
Fumbling with the dollar bills,
I earned dancing the night before.
I always want more.

I always want more.

The way into my love,
Is a revolving door,
Spinning endlessly in darkness.
Never closed, never open.
A limbo of expectations.
Heavy and with great responsibility,
To keep in motion.
They learn they'll never get inside.
They all get sick and hide.
Learn to ride,
I'm dying inside.

She dried her eyes.
Removed the old and tattered clothes.
Washed her face in the sink.

She removed her garnments,
Laced, pink.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She picked out his favorite dress,
And decided on the jewelry.
Gold, silver, diamonds, she'd keep.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She applied her make-up,
With expertise,
The powders, creams, and primers.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She let down her hair,
From that day old bun,
And fashioned it up,
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She cleaned those shattered dreams,
From the floor and walls.
Her heart was broken, crushed porcelain.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

To laugh with you again,
(A stranger called a friend.)
Wipe the cobwebs off my soul,
And recognize myself again.
I see such a light in you.
Sometimes I think you see it,
In me too.
It's hard to say,
In between this time,
And space.
But I try not to step,
Out of my place.
You have this way of making me,
Forget my ways.
But it's so nice to laugh with you,
These days.

I know you miss me,
Shaking my *** into skinny jeans.

I know you kiss me,
In your mind, a thousand times.

I know you miss the smell of coffee,
Every morning,
And I know you miss,
the laughter in your ear.

Do you feel off center,
Without the weight of my head,
Resting on your shoulders?

Do you miss watching,
My ***** lips,
Part for your mouth,
Your tongue,
Your love?

I know you miss me.

I can hear every word
you think.
It carves into my brain like a trail
of ink.
You're not so far away, but it's hard
to speak.
Who knew that these anchors would guide us
to sink.

You turned around when I fell from
the brink.

If I could reach into your veins,
If I could swim inside your heart,
I'd stop the broken pieces,
That are shaking you apart.
I would take my time,
And then,
We would stand in unison.

Pick a card,
And cut your pill.
Apply pressure to the middle,
Break it apart.
Shave the fragments to dust.
Clean, perfect lines.
Roll your bill.
Sniff.
Mind the drip.

And break apart.
Feel your soul try to find itself.

Walk until your bones grow sore.
Keep moving through darkness,
Rain and snow.
Survive the thirst and hunger,
Keep moving your feet.
Remind yourself that,
You don't understand defeat.
Remind yourself that,
One day you'll find relief.
Keep pushing for miles,
And miles,
And miles.

Slowly you start to lose your mind,
You lose yourself,
Lose track of time.
The pain, the pain, the pain.
It distracts you from terrain.
Through woods and rivers and oceans,
Wade through and believe that it's worth it.
Dying with every passing day.

I move slowly day to day,
I don't recognize a smile,
For what it is.

Everyone is angry to me.

Everyone is angry,
And they're angry with me.

Everyone smiles nervously.

They know I'm on the edge,
I'm an unpredictable mess.

Step back, step back.
Don't get too close,
Don't let my failures stain your hopes.

You always thought you were cunning,
Strong ego,
Too large a head.
I let you believe that I was ignorant.
You wanted that taste of freedom so badly,
No burdens, no remorse.
Getting away with what you do best.
I did not let you in,
I did not tell my secret,
I never neglected my intuition.
It feels so good to trust yourself,
Fall back on yourself,
Rebuild for yourself.
You will never amount to anything real.
You'll only live to your greatest exaggeration.
My life is literal.
My success is tangible.
You wither to **** without a fluffed ego.
Need someone to hold your hand,
Remind you to shut up and be a man?
*******,
It won't be me.
I don't have time to motivate a dead beat.