Your eyes study me,
Searching for the signs that we are,
Still,
The same.
Do you see the years,
Gone by?
I can see you want,
To try.

I'll never see the same.
I'll,
Never put faith in an empty thing.

I've known from the start,
How to trust my instincts.

But I've made such a huge mistake.
I let you in when I built a cage.

You were an exception to it all,
I can't be confused,
When I chose to fall.

I have self control,
After all.

I let you in past the locks.
I built a home over all my scars,
Just to watch burn over again.

Just to watch the scars form again.

You laugh at me from behind a screen,
As if sifting through ashes is a funny thing.

My heart has died a thousand times.
This isn't different and I will survive.

If I don't-
If,
I cannot believe in love,
I will not live in love,
I will not bleed in love,
I will not need in love,
I will not drown in love,
I will not sink in love,
I will not be in love,
I will not be alone in love,
I will not die alone,
In love.

He's inside,
With a deep breath,
She rides.
An animal instinct,
His nails dig,
Into her pale skin.
Guiding her hips,
With vicious wrists.
Cuts and bruises.
Thickness,
Ripples inside.
She climbs,
To ******,
He guides,
Prepared to spread,
His soul,
All over,
Her.

They all want to die.
Give it time.
I **** everyone,
Around me.
If I could take back those words.
If I could take back those words.

Sitting on a bench and telling her,
What I thought was best for her.
"Leave him."

I know best for no one.

He shot himself and she,
Hoards the pills,
I gave her for relaese.
Eats them to die in her sleep.

Survives.

Just to,
Slit her wrist come wintertime.
The sun is gone too long,
You see.
The warmth reminds her of Jamie.

And she's not the only one.

My father sits on his queen bed,
Opening that wooden box,
Storing old needles.
Methamphetamine and pain killers.
Hiding in that cabin,
In the woods,
Getting high and dying.
He thinks of the bench we sat on.

When I told him to die.
I told him it didn't matter how,
Or why.
I told him it would happen,
No matter if he did,
Or didn't try.
Prison was the only way,
To save his life.

That old boyfriend,
On the wooden stairs.
Eyes wide,
Bloodshot and high.
He held that gun and cried.
He held it to his head.
I screamed,
Bang.
I screamed.
I screamed.

I screamed.

Seconds were eternity.

If I could take back those words.

I ****, I ****.
I do not save.

I do not ******.

But love me,
And you'll wish for death in other ways.
I wish for change,
It remains the same.
Those who love me,
Absorb the shame.

Dying, dying.
Slowly, everyday.

There was a day when I hated myself,
I hated my life and what my failure represented.
But you woke me up.
You pushed me everyday to love myself.
And still the things I hate,
You find a way to love.
You picked me up.
You made me weightless in the sun.
I had no choice and I couldn't resist,
I had to open up.
You brought this light into my vision,
Convincing me to make my dreams happen,
Concentrate that will to hate,
And make it work for me.
I can never fail to death,
With you to catch me.
I lived a life that made me scared of,
Nothing.
But for whatever reason,
Meeting you was terrifying.
Trusting you was petrifying.
You held my hand while I faced the fear,
You kept patience and maintained a pace.
You didn't throw it back at me,
Or rub it in my face,
Like a ***** who couldn't keep it together.
You saw that big-girl fight in me,
You held onto her and made her free.
You brought her back to me.
There is nothing I could do to repay you,
For saving me.
But I will love you everyday,
And I will fight like hell so YOU can see the day,
Where every one of your dreams,
Become our reality.
Baby, I'm not going anywhere.
We're a team,
Watch the doors,
I'll man the windows,
And lets **** any ******,
Who tries to infiltrate.

I step into the room,
Remove my shirt to prevent,
The evidence.

It's good for you, stay strong for me.
He says in a message.

But I can't hold off amymore.

This is my battle,
My world.

Crying on the bathroom floor,
Lost control looking for,
A way to keep sain.

On my knees,
Slowly,
Tickling my throat,
With a writing utensile.
Keep breathing,
Short, quick.
And let it release.

This will be over if you keep pushing on.
She says in a mirror.

This is the cost of perfection,
The pain of dedication.
My chest stiffens.

But you're my picture perfect.
He says in a message.

An image to fall for,
A frame of reason,
To get where you need to be.

But here I am praying to my porcelain.

Adding the bites of failure over and over,
In my mind.
Let it out,
Let it go.

All of my energy flushes away.
This picture isn't perfect,
It's held up in place,
Meant to be a beautiful mistake.

Failing all over the place.

I bet you're just beautiful.
He says in a message.

If beauty was tragic.

*This beauty is,
Tragic.

Pretend she is me,
Pretend I am the body,
That you need.

Dancing to the rhythm,
of that alien beat.

She's rolling and twirling,
Around you and for you.
With you and on you.
Those glossy eyes roll back,
In defeat,
And you want to feel more,
She's making you weak.

Your hands shake,
And she's breathing your soul,
Your breath quivers,
Trapped, in her control.
You,
      Are,
                    No longer mine-
            
                           anymore.



I close my eyes and pretend it was me.
Making you wetter,
with each ****** inside me.

I know it's the end,
  You make it easy to read,
     Because she stole your light,

*And ran back to the sea.

You've grown older in the eyes.
Your words suggest otherwise.

Your hand creeps across the table's edge.
This is my que to meet you.

Not again, not this time,
A mother ******* millionth time.

"Take me home," my mouth relayed.
Before this I had always stayed.

I spin myself around in these mazes,
I get lost in the details,
I get lost in the crazy.

I know, I know,
I'll hold you baby.
Tell me again,
How you think you're insain.

I hold my breath,
I let it burn inside my chest.

Your skin is touching mine.
Your body is hot and it's,
Calling.

Little baby,
Don't you cry.
Lean on me while I slowly die.

Your fingers lace with mine,
I feel alive.
I'm angry and afraid at the same time.
I wish I didn't,
I wish I died.
I wish I'd never wake up tonight.

They're holding hands in the pouring rain,
Laughing together through the thundering.

This is what it's like to have freedom,
Clothes are soaked, but we don't mind.

"Why don't you girls go in to stay dry?"

"When one is in hell,
We stand by their side.
We go in it together,
And we come out alive."

Hands crossed and held,
We spin endlessly.
Long hair soaking up,
The summer rain.
We are best friends,
And it will never change.

You ****** me,
In my parked car,

And then,
Wanted to disappear.

So you did.




So did I.

The words form along our lips,
Mine twist.
Stuck and jumbled.
I take a deep breath,
But my voice still fumbles.

You mean to say,
That you actually give a ****?
What is this?

"Tell me what you need to say."

Like the words in this poem,
I wish the words I have for you,
Would free flow and,
Exist without hesitation.

I trained myself,
To carefully select,
The words I choose,
In conversation,
Afraid of his reaction.

But these words are for you,
I don't mean to confuse.
I only want to love,
And be loved,
By you.

I pretend to move on.
I pretend,
That it's easy to start over,
Again.

I put my stuff in boxes.
And it's,
Onto the next big thing.

I am sick of cardboard.
I am sick,
Sick,
Of carboard.

The sad girl has control,
Her breathing, her eating,
The sad girl maintains control.

The sad girl does not have control,
Her breathing, her eating,
The sad girl loses control.

The sad girl counts to 500.
Seconds, calories.
The sad girl does not gain control.

The sad girl hates herself.

The sad girl becomes the mad girl.
The mad girl burns down the world.

This is what empty feels like.
Drained.
We fought too hard for you to quit the race.

Staring me down and finishing that last,
Swig.
You ask me to open another bottle.

I don't want to open anymore of these bottles.
You don't want to fight anymore of these battles.
You just,
Want to **** me every night.

I just want to feel whole and,
All right.
Crying when you **** me from,
Behind.
Hiding my face,
Mistaking sobbing for satisfaction.

We're ending. We're over.
It's the same thing,
Old and worn tired.

We didn't crumble this time,
We didn't cry.

You've still gotta' leave my bed tonight.
I can't pretend that this is fine.

I can't pretend to be your ***** *****.
You never say "I love you" when,
We **** anymore.

Push my head into the pillows,
hold me
just hold me

Nobody holds me.

The little girl convinced herself,
She was afraid of the dark.

The lights go out and her mind began,
Painting evil works of art.

The empty abyss of closet space,
She saw the outline of the boogyman.
She heard the movement under her bead.

Shapes unknown,
Throughout the space of her bedroom.
She watched for all the creatures lurking.

She felt someone watching back,
Waiting for her to sleep,
So they could attack.

And hiding beneath the covers served no solace.
Her thoughts were not her friends.

Creatures were coming closer in the night,
Scratching at her bed.

She wanted to face the danger.
She refused to be eaten blind.

I'm sliding down,
Hard.

I can't fight this hill anymore.

I try to tell them but,
They choose to ignore.

I could scream for help and still,
be alone.

When it kills me,
When I'm dead,

They'll be glad it wasn't them.

I will claw away at my memory,
Dig beneath my skin is search of blood.
Proof,
That I am not dead.
I don't eat,
Just to feel alive again.
The shower is running,
I am,
On my hands and knees.

Empty me.

I wade in what can,
Feel like eternity next to you.
When you're angry with,
me.

And I know that my,
Purposeful calmness can be,
Particularly irritating.
But,

I think the glass between us is,
Half full of sea water,
And,

There's an ocean,
Waiting to be full again,
So,

If, we can work together,
Setting differences aside,
I promise to always apologize.
Then,

We can return this glass,
Back into sand,
Which is a glass in it's natural,
Form.

We can,
Help the water can sink back,
Into our ocean that is,
Such an endless acceptance of,
Unconditional love.

And,
I can call our beach,
Home again.

Just promise not to look at me,
Through glass,
Morphing me into something,
You find hard to love.

Pour the anger out into the sand,
I'll hold you with my,
Damaged hands.

I should not be alone.

I wish I was not,
Alone.

These thoughts,
I do not trust them.

But they've made a home in me.

I wish you knew.

I wish I knew,
How to tell you.

I cannot form the words,
I need.
But you hold me by the hands,
And plead.

But I do not know how.
I do not know how,
To tell you:

I am a sad girl.

I am a sad girl.

It's a deep breath in,
****** through the nose.
Gotta clear that airway for a straight line,
Of sparkling dust,
All crushed up.
She cleans off her library card,
Giving her finger a taste of pure snow,
Twisting up that twenty dollar bill.

Skin crawling with anticipation,
Take it all in,
Take it all in!

Oh god, that ******* drip.
God love this ******* thrill.

He falls through the nightly routine.
A hard day of work,
It's been a rough week.

They climb into bed,
Slide in between the sheets.
The lights are out.
"Come snuggle with me."

They fold over one another,
Pieces in a perfect puzzle.

She sleeps along side him,
Or so he believes.
He holds her,
In the dark silence.
And pushes the stray hair,
From the frame of her face.
This is what it feels like,
To be cared for.

And every worry,
Embedded in her bones,
Melts away, in one sensation.

In this perfect moment of peace,
She feels complete.

He holds on, and emotions run deep.

Even when,
Neither one has said anything.

An earthquake hit my island home,
Separating it in two pieces.

Drifting me out to sea.

Creating space I cannot swim accross,
In the middle of you,
And me.

The sun is beating down,
Your island has all the trees.

My skin is crawling, hot.
The ocean is blinding,
I cannot see.

I dig into the sand to hide,
From the pain of being me.

But when the night falls,
I can count every single star.
Because I do not sleep.

I can see the treeline,
Of the island that was,
Yours and mine.

I know you are there,
And I want to speak.

But I cannot scream past this,
Distance,
That separates you from me.

But you could build the raft,
You were always stronger,
Able to keep your head above water.

I must build a new home here,
Because I know that I am alone here.
I will always be alone here.

You don't reach out past your fear.

I still wear that diamond ring,
It reminds me to maintain,
My self respect,
As it is living proof that you didn't mean anything.

You didn't mean any of the things,
You said to me.

Like,
"I love you,"
And,
"You're beautiful,"
And,
"Breathe."

This diamond reminds me of everything,
You said,
But with little intent,
For it to matter.

This band reminds me everyday,
How easy I am to throw away.

But I promise I'll stay.
I'll stay alive and well to spite you,
In every way.

I don't yet know the real you.
I see glimpses and I'm often surprised.

As time goes on I realize,
You're angry,
And you don't set aside the time.
I'm much too young to feel,
So cast aside.
Maybe you should prioritize.
Maybe you should listen when,
I'm feeling wise.
I'm afraid to tell you anything,
You're dismissive and defensive.
Is it bad that I am educated?
Rhetorical question.

Maybe you want a stupid girl,
A pretty fool.
Who can cook, and clean and satisfy you,
In a bedroom.
She'll apply her make-up and shut her mouth,
And let you be rude and stomp around.
Well these **** put her brain to good use.
I don't appreciate being told,
What I can say, or what I can do,
When it comes to helping you.
Because I'm just as, if not more stubborn than you.
I will fight to get across the words I know as truth.
I think in theories and educated guesses.
I don't leave room for faith and blind following.
So don't speak down to me in public.
Don't try to growl,
"I am man."
I do not back down so easily,
But remember I'm selective,
I am not a wife.
I have the freedom to go,
And I'll fly.

I should be asleep.
My thoughts are racing.
It is all I can feel,
Emptiness.

Death is eminent.

I am the one who is irrelevant.

The ones who mattered most,
Have proven it.

How long before,
He starts to feel it?
How long before,

I draw the line?

I sit here in the corners,
Trying to make sense of what I don't have.
He fumbles with his keys telling me,
"Shut the **** up, and get over it."

And the only one that gets it,
Is my Lana del Rey.
And all my love is living miles away.
I'm sitting alone.

He comes home from that midnight walk,
To the bar strip. (A bit tipsed.)
I haven't moved from this spot and he tells me,
"Get the **** up now, get a ******* grip on it.

"Crying all the time isn't going to fix it."
Oh, but I want to be perfect.
Ignore the puke underneath the toilet rim.
I must have missed it when I cleaned my messes yesterday.

But you've always ignored that anyway.
And Lana is the only one who gets me,
Singing,
Me and God, we don't get along.

Crack another beer,
Lemme see that little plastic baggie.
Oh, tell me this is pure.
I'll let you love me if this gets me high.

Burning the foil,
My body reacts to the odors,
This is how you treat your baby right.
I grip my straw tight.

The world will think I'm pretty,
And this ****** up love will be okay.
My heads in the sky and I'll never die.

Grim Reaper's can't reach this high.

You saw I need space,

So you imprison me.

You attempt to lock me up,
Lock me out.

When I just need time to process,

You have this history,
Of a violence.

You kept me in a box,
You liked it when,
You made me feel small.

Perhaps it would work on,
Any other woman.

I am not,
Any other woman.

Daddy, take the long way home,
Tell me things about you that I don't know.
I love the look on your face when I remind you,
Of how you left me alone.

Your eyes are heavy,
Like you want to give up already.
I'll hold you here,
I'll hold you near.

Daddy, take me to the river where we cry,
Let me torture you and ask you why,
Don't run away, we're not finished here.
I want to see your face when you lie.

Your voice is low,
We're sad and I already know,
You're consumed with fear,
You're afraid they'll hear.

Daddy, don't get in that car,
I know once you do you'll drive pretty far.
Just confront it, you're not alone,
We can fight this war.

But your will is weak,
You start to freak,
Get away and leave me here,
Look back and watch me sink.

If I could write you,
An open letter,
I would tell you it's okay to miss me.

I would tell you to work on everything you,
Gave away,
To make room for me.

I could tell you that I know,
You were just angry,
And you are angry.

We are angry.

I would tell you that this was the most exciting thing,
To love another man,
And I would say that you can delete the pictures,
And any connection to my name,
But I will never forget your face.

And I will sleep at night,
With glimpses of our smiles in the moonlight.

I'll never delete a single frame,
Because deleting and forgetting are not the same thing.

Looking back we both know it was never right.

You can't build love on lies.
You can't build trust behind infidelity,
Although we know we tried.

So many corners,
and we kept skidding by,
It's easy to see,
With how we handled the drive,
That this love would burn,
And crash,
And die.

Are you obsessing, anxiously?
Looking for a hint,
Of any affect you've served,
On my inner psyche.

I've got the truth on my side.
Delete your memories,
Erase me from the ashes,
That once served a,
Summer's dream.

Trying to forget me doesn't make me,
Incomplete.

I existed.
And time will remind you,
And time will fight you,
And time will remember me.

Pieces of you cling to day.

I see you in the edge of vision.

It is night when you come home to me.

Yet when you speak, I cannot listen.

I need to be a little wreckless,
As my walls are closing in.

I set my house on fire,
And my will is running thin.

There is no way out of this,
Because I put myself here.

And as my destruction is unforgiving,
No hope lives here.

He stumbles down the dirt path,
Looking back.
A little too much to drink,
Too many thoughts,
To think.

His eyes meet mine,
And shine.

But it's not quite right.

He stumbles through the field and weeds,
He falls to lean in and,
Kiss me.

"I needed you. And you're here.
Like magic."

Smile.
Nervous,
My mind wonders back.

The fire burns my face,
And I remember.
It was late December.

The look in his eye,
Too familiar.
What will happen,
To me tonight?

Pacing, anxious.
How does this much,
Tend to change him?
"No more,"
He admits.

Strange words,
To cross a man's lips.

I waited.
For insults and violence.
I waited for bruises.
I waited for the moment,
He ruins me,
Clueless.

But.

He touched my face,
And I wasn't afraid.
I still loved the way,
He said my name.

This isn't December.
This isn't the past.
This is a love that is going to last.

I hold his hand to,
Stabilize.
And we laugh.

"Hi, beautiful."
*"Hi, baby."

A hand around my waist,
I'm safe.

The bitter wind blows,
But here in your arms,
I do not know the cold.
I'm warm.

There once was a day,
Where I walked alone.
Your hand is in mine,
I'm yours.

I've counted my losses,
I've wept and felt hopless.
I found you in the middle of chaos.
I'm whole.

The world has a center,
There is focus,
No more shifting.
I'm building.

You saw I need space,

So you imprison me.

You attempt to lock me up,
Lock me out.

When I just need time to process,

You have this history,
Of a violence.

You kept me in a box,
You liked it when,
You made me feel small.

Perhaps it would work on,
Any other woman.

I am not,
Any other woman.

Those hands,
Bring my waist to his,
Those hands,
Trail and fall along my back.
Gripping my ***,
Hands full as he lifts my body,
I am weightless,
In his kiss.
No feet on the ground,
I'm his.

Together on that battered love seat,
Our legs entwined.
We laugh as the hours,
Trail behind.
He plays with my hair,
Takes my hand,
And watches me.
Oddly aware of every move I make,
Blushing.
"What, baby?"
I ask but I know,
He's thinking of me.
He smiles almost,
Boyishly.

The day fades to night.

"As much as I don't want to,"
He begins.
I know it's time for this,
To end.
I gather my scattered clothes,
From the floor of every room,
In his apartment.

Smiling at the memories,
In every corner.
He makes me feel like I can finally get,
My **** in order.

These words are not mine,
Anymore.
This silence isn't fine,
Anymore.
There is no bed that is mine,
Never was.
I can go back to the floor.
Just waiting for the words.
"I do not want you here,
Anymore."

It will rip,
It will drag from beneath me,
This safety and security.
I wait for the moment,
Where you see me for what I am.
Sad,
Miserable,
Lonely.

Who can love a girl like me,
Wrapped in all this misery.

I'm too serious,
And you're not going to like it.

Don't be afraid of the dark,
Little Girl.
The real monsters are people.
They can't get you here.
Don't cry into the shadows,
Dear.
They will not help you here.

Evil calls you a daughter,
He tries to hold your hand.
Evil kisses you so sweetly,
On that little red-head.
You cry into the darkness,
Terrified and spineless.
But darling,
You were bread in violence.

You were born to cry.
So learn to lie.

He held her in his arms,
Chosen.
She danced to the music,
Let go of all past,
Inhibitions.

She let loose and played the games.
He held,
The small of her back,
And let her fly.
But never too far away.

She smiled and leaned in for a kiss,
Darlin', I'm going to miss this.
God, is THIS what love is?

He held hands with a broken soul,
And she kissed his bruised ego,
And they never felt alone.
They only felt,
Whole.

She was buried,
Under years of neglect,
Dust,
And fragments,
Of death and sadness.
Greeting the sun,
With a hatred,
Finding no peace in her sleep.

Every man that laid possession,
Claimed to be her protection,
Left her,
Abandoned.

She stood only alone,
And crawled,
To build her own home.
While they tore down the boards,
And used them to cage her.

****** knees on the weekend,
She danced for more men,
And found solace in piles of cash.
So they taxed her,
And ***** her,
They did nothing to save her.

Cornered and lost,
Searching for hope,
In the mirror
Her own eyes a stranger.
Where was the light that made her?
Eyes sunken and black,
No voice,
Just a shrug off their shoulders.

They drained her,
And played her,
Used her and,
Forgave her.

She felt nothing at all,
They maimed her.
Shared her,
Left nothing to spare her.
She's over and done.

They won.

I’m about to **** up again,
With the **** my brain likes to,
Tell my head.

Repeated insults, the memories,
I’d be dead if it,
Were up to me.

Cyclical whispers,
Pushing me.
Demanding. Me.

Offer blood to the whisperings.
Offer sleep and **** and things.
Still hungry, I hear, for the life of me.

Please do shut up,
I cannot dream.
I run in fear and wake, and scream.

So tired though I rest all night.
So tired, won’t put up the fight.
I cave, I fold, I lose, I hold,
The whispers in my,
Heavy,
Soul.

Day old drinking glass turned to an ash,
Cup,
And the week rolling by does,
Fill it up,
And,
I watch the dirt build on the floor,
Stains I see on every door,
I ignore.
Dishes fill the kitchen sink,
I do not wash,
I do not think.
I do not care to,
Clear the days mess,
I am the days mess,
I am the filth and damages.

Another cigarette to the glass,
Another ***** day has passed.

I do not want to be,
Here.
Garbage thoughts in my,
Garbage,
Mind.

There is no will to try and find.
I am the day’s waste,
I crave,
to **** time.
I aim,
To end mine.

I've kept everything around me alive,
Without doubt or reasons why.
I meet the needs without a try,
Of living beings under my eye.
Somehow regardless of my protest,
I age and learn to apply my best.
And-
Somehow I have grown to be,
The adult that I always need.