I've kept everything around me alive,
Without doubt or reasons why.
I meet the needs without a try,
Of living beings under my eye.
Somehow regardless of my protest,
I age and learn to apply my best.
And-
Somehow I have grown to be,
The adult that I always need.

I’m about to **** up again,
With the **** my brain likes to,
Tell my head.

Repeated insults, the memories,
I’d be dead if it,
Were up to me.

Cyclical whispers,
Pushing me.
Demanding. Me.

Offer blood to the whisperings.
Offer sleep and **** and things.
Still hungry, I hear, for the life of me.

Please do shut up,
I cannot dream.
I run in fear and wake, and scream.

So tired though I rest all night.
So tired, won’t put up the fight.
I cave, I fold, I lose, I hold,
The whispers in my,
Heavy,
Soul.

Day old drinking glass turned to an ash,
Cup,
And the week rolling by does,
Fill it up,
And,
I watch the dirt build on the floor,
Stains I see on every door,
I ignore.
Dishes fill the kitchen sink,
I do not wash,
I do not think.
I do not care to,
Clear the days mess,
I am the days mess,
I am the filth and damages.

Another cigarette to the glass,
Another ***** day has passed.

I do not want to be,
Here.
Garbage thoughts in my,
Garbage,
Mind.

There is no will to try and find.
I am the day’s waste,
I crave,
to **** time.
I aim,
To end mine.

I'm crazy, you say,
When it's convenient for you.
Use my medication,
As an excuse.

Write me off like my feelings aren't real,
Say what you want because,
You have no fear.

Who would believe someone like me?
Cutting my wrists just to see myself bleed.

"You're crazy, you're mad."

Don't make me laugh.
Being with you is what's making me sad.

A cut, a straight line.

Bloodrush, I feel fine.

One for every lie.

One for every time he said goodbye.

Bloodrush.

I feel fine.

Push it down, deeper this time.

I hide my blade for another day.

I wear long sleeves to hide the shame.

You've grown older in the eyes.
Your words suggest otherwise.

Your hand creeps across the table's edge.
This is my que to meet you.

Not again, not this time,
A mother ******* millionth time.

"Take me home," my mouth relayed.
Before this I had always stayed.

Pieces of you cling to day.

I see you in the edge of vision.

It is night when you come home to me.

Yet when you speak, I cannot listen.

It's a deep breath in,
****** through the nose.
Gotta clear that airway for a straight line,
Of sparkling dust,
All crushed up.
She cleans off her library card,
Giving her finger a taste of pure snow,
Twisting up that twenty dollar bill.

Skin crawling with anticipation,
Take it all in,
Take it all in!

Oh god, that ******* drip.
God love this ******* thrill.

Daddy, take the long way home,
Tell me things about you that I don't know.
I love the look on your face when I remind you,
Of how you left me alone.

Your eyes are heavy,
Like you want to give up already.
I'll hold you here,
I'll hold you near.

Daddy, take me to the river where we cry,
Let me torture you and ask you why,
Don't run away, we're not finished here.
I want to see your face when you lie.

Your voice is low,
We're sad and I already know,
You're consumed with fear,
You're afraid they'll hear.

Daddy, don't get in that car,
I know once you do you'll drive pretty far.
Just confront it, you're not alone,
We can fight this war.

But your will is weak,
You start to freak,
Get away and leave me here,
Look back and watch me sink.

Your soul is empty of feeling,
This *** is empty of meaning.
My head is empty of reasoning,
My heart is not so forgiving.

Turns out every vile word was true,
******* me didn't mean **** to you.
A body is a prize,
Alive, to use.

And all the lies strung out for hours,
I tortured myself for a truth.

I had everything for proof.
Deny, deny,
But that was your **** in her picture.
That was your mouth on her body.
Your hands on her skin.

It was so funny when you thought you'd won,
Getting away with having twice the fun.
Smoothing it over with compliments,
"You motivate me to be a better person."
So full of ****, I almost cried.
But you were so stupid it was easy to smile.

You always thought you were cunning,
Strong ego,
Too large a head.
I let you believe that I was ignorant.
You wanted that taste of freedom so badly,
No burdens, no remorse.
Getting away with what you do best.
I did not let you in,
I did not tell my secret,
I never neglected my intuition.
It feels so good to trust yourself,
Fall back on yourself,
Rebuild for yourself.
You will never amount to anything real.
You'll only live to your greatest exaggeration.
My life is literal.
My success is tangible.
You wither to **** without a fluffed ego.
Need someone to hold your hand,
Remind you to shut up and be a man?
*******,
It won't be me.
I don't have time to motivate a dead beat.

The way into my love,
Is a revolving door,
Spinning endlessly in darkness.
Never closed, never open.
A limbo of expectations.
Heavy and with great responsibility,
To keep in motion.
They learn they'll never get inside.
They all get sick and hide.
Learn to ride,
I'm dying inside.

I'm slurring my words,
And swaying back and forth,
Right here on,
Your front porch.

You've had enough,
But I want more.

You don't open your door.

I'll always want more.

Giving up,
I take a walk to the liquor store.
The clerk asks,
"Are you sure?"
I pay my fee, stumbling,
Fumbling with the dollar bills,
I earned dancing the night before.
I always want more.

I always want more.

I move slowly day to day,
I don't recognize a smile,
For what it is.

Everyone is angry to me.

Everyone is angry,
And they're angry with me.

Everyone smiles nervously.

They know I'm on the edge,
I'm an unpredictable mess.

Step back, step back.
Don't get too close,
Don't let my failures stain your hopes.

Pick a card,
And cut your pill.
Apply pressure to the middle,
Break it apart.
Shave the fragments to dust.
Clean, perfect lines.
Roll your bill.
Sniff.
Mind the drip.

And break apart.
Feel your soul try to find itself.

I'm sliding down,
Hard.

I can't fight this hill anymore.

I try to tell them but,
They choose to ignore.

I could scream for help and still,
be alone.

When it kills me,
When I'm dead,

They'll be glad it wasn't them.

Playing with needles,
And body altering chemicals.

Trying to feel something real.

Pushing the boundaries of life,
And happiness.

This is how you accept yourself.

This is how you killed yourself.

You ****** me,
In my parked car,

And then,
Wanted to disappear.

So you did.




So did I.

An earthquake hit my island home,
Separating it in two pieces.

Drifting me out to sea.

Creating space I cannot swim accross,
In the middle of you,
And me.

The sun is beating down,
Your island has all the trees.

My skin is crawling, hot.
The ocean is blinding,
I cannot see.

I dig into the sand to hide,
From the pain of being me.

But when the night falls,
I can count every single star.
Because I do not sleep.

I can see the treeline,
Of the island that was,
Yours and mine.

I know you are there,
And I want to speak.

But I cannot scream past this,
Distance,
That separates you from me.

But you could build the raft,
You were always stronger,
Able to keep your head above water.

I must build a new home here,
Because I know that I am alone here.
I will always be alone here.

You don't reach out past your fear.

I pretend to move on.
I pretend,
That it's easy to start over,
Again.

I put my stuff in boxes.
And it's,
Onto the next big thing.

I am sick of cardboard.
I am sick,
Sick,
Of carboard.

The sad girl has control,
Her breathing, her eating,
The sad girl maintains control.

The sad girl does not have control,
Her breathing, her eating,
The sad girl loses control.

The sad girl counts to 500.
Seconds, calories.
The sad girl does not gain control.

The sad girl hates herself.

The sad girl becomes the mad girl.
The mad girl burns down the world.

I know you miss me,
Shaking my *** into skinny jeans.

I know you kiss me,
In your mind, a thousand times.

I know you miss the smell of coffee,
Every morning,
And I know you miss,
the laughter in your ear.

Do you feel off center,
Without the weight of my head,
Resting on your shoulders?

Do you miss watching,
My ***** lips,
Part for your mouth,
Your tongue,
Your love?

I know you miss me.

I spin myself around in these mazes,
I get lost in the details,
I get lost in the crazy.

I know, I know,
I'll hold you baby.
Tell me again,
How you think you're insain.

I hold my breath,
I let it burn inside my chest.

Your skin is touching mine.
Your body is hot and it's,
Calling.

Little baby,
Don't you cry.
Lean on me while I slowly die.

Your fingers lace with mine,
I feel alive.
I'm angry and afraid at the same time.
I wish I didn't,
I wish I died.
I wish I'd never wake up tonight.

I try to hold my heart together.
I can't keep doing it forever.
Everything is broken,
And everything is gone.

I let time pass,
But,
I feel every bit of pain,
All over again,
Every morning.

And I miss you,
And I ache for death.
I know that I am worthless.

They're holding hands in the pouring rain,
Laughing together through the thundering.

This is what it's like to have freedom,
Clothes are soaked, but we don't mind.

"Why don't you girls go in to stay dry?"

"When one is in hell,
We stand by their side.
We go in it together,
And we come out alive."

Hands crossed and held,
We spin endlessly.
Long hair soaking up,
The summer rain.
We are best friends,
And it will never change.

I'll never see the same.
I'll,
Never put faith in an empty thing.

I've known from the start,
How to trust my instincts.

But I've made such a huge mistake.
I let you in when I built a cage.

You were an exception to it all,
I can't be confused,
When I chose to fall.

I have self control,
After all.

I let you in past the locks.
I built a home over all my scars,
Just to watch burn over again.

Just to watch the scars form again.

You laugh at me from behind a screen,
As if sifting through ashes is a funny thing.

My heart has died a thousand times.
This isn't different and I will survive.

If I could write you,
An open letter,
I would tell you it's okay to miss me.

I would tell you to work on everything you,
Gave away,
To make room for me.

I could tell you that I know,
You were just angry,
And you are angry.

We are angry.

I would tell you that this was the most exciting thing,
To love another man,
And I would say that you can delete the pictures,
And any connection to my name,
But I will never forget your face.

And I will sleep at night,
With glimpses of our smiles in the moonlight.

I'll never delete a single frame,
Because deleting and forgetting are not the same thing.

Looking back we both know it was never right.

You can't build love on lies.
You can't build trust behind infidelity,
Although we know we tried.

So many corners,
and we kept skidding by,
It's easy to see,
With how we handled the drive,
That this love would burn,
And crash,
And die.

I still wear that diamond ring,
It reminds me to maintain,
My self respect,
As it is living proof that you didn't mean anything.

You didn't mean any of the things,
You said to me.

Like,
"I love you,"
And,
"You're beautiful,"
And,
"Breathe."

This diamond reminds me of everything,
You said,
But with little intent,
For it to matter.

This band reminds me everyday,
How easy I am to throw away.

But I promise I'll stay.
I'll stay alive and well to spite you,
In every way.

I need to be a little wreckless,
As my walls are closing in.

I set my house on fire,
And my will is running thin.

There is no way out of this,
Because I put myself here.

And as my destruction is unforgiving,
No hope lives here.

Are you obsessing, anxiously?
Looking for a hint,
Of any affect you've served,
On my inner psyche.

I've got the truth on my side.
Delete your memories,
Erase me from the ashes,
That once served a,
Summer's dream.

Trying to forget me doesn't make me,
Incomplete.

I existed.
And time will remind you,
And time will fight you,
And time will remember me.

All my life is complied,
Of belongings in a fire.

Souls dancing in the summer air,
Laughing at the expence,
Of everything,
I've ever held dear.

Exposing my soul to another level,
Of suicidal rage.

Just another burn out,
In my history of pain.

You saw I need space,

So you imprison me.

You attempt to lock me up,
Lock me out.

When I just need time to process,

You have this history,
Of a violence.

You kept me in a box,
You liked it when,
You made me feel small.

Perhaps it would work on,
Any other woman.

I am not,
Any other woman.

You saw I need space,

So you imprison me.

You attempt to lock me up,
Lock me out.

When I just need time to process,

You have this history,
Of a violence.

You kept me in a box,
You liked it when,
You made me feel small.

Perhaps it would work on,
Any other woman.

I am not,
Any other woman.

I can't count the amount of times,
I've packed my life into,
Cardboard boxes,
Of all shapes,
And all sizes.

I sit in a room emptying,
more and more as the days pass,
And I ******* hate it.

Where is home?

But I push on.
Keeping mental notes,
Of where I put my daily routine's,
Bits and pieces.

Where is home?

It seems I lose more of what I own,
Everytime I pack away parts,
Of my tangible soul.

No, it's true,
I don't have many things.

It makes it easier for when I have to leave.

I wade in what can,
Feel like eternity next to you.
When you're angry with,
me.

And I know that my,
Purposeful calmness can be,
Particularly irritating.
But,

I think the glass between us is,
Half full of sea water,
And,

There's an ocean,
Waiting to be full again,
So,

If, we can work together,
Setting differences aside,
I promise to always apologize.
Then,

We can return this glass,
Back into sand,
Which is a glass in it's natural,
Form.

We can,
Help the water can sink back,
Into our ocean that is,
Such an endless acceptance of,
Unconditional love.

And,
I can call our beach,
Home again.

Just promise not to look at me,
Through glass,
Morphing me into something,
You find hard to love.

Pour the anger out into the sand,
I'll hold you with my,
Damaged hands.

You stumbled into that old bedroom,
I pick my head up off the floor.

It's way too early in the morning,
Just past four.

I hadn't seen you since the day before.

"Where were you?
Where would you,
Why would you go?"

I have no right to question you.
You're a man and you'll do,
As men do.

I have no right to question you.
On repeat,
You could not lie to me.
I should know better,
Shut up,
And trust you.
If I could just shut up,
You would explain.
But I choose to yell at you about,
Everything.

That's you,
Passing blame,
Pacing around,
Coming down,
In growing aggitation.
Throwing it,
In my direction.

Liar, liar.

I need indefinite space,
Between me and that look on your face.

Smoking another cigarette on the balcony.
Smoke fading into the morning sunlight.

You've locked me out again,
It's cold.

I fall asleep above the grass,
And promise myself you'll sober up.

Hours later you decide to open up.

I want to drive my knife into your gut.

The little girl convinced herself,
She was afraid of the dark.

The lights go out and her mind began,
Painting evil works of art.

The empty abyss of closet space,
She saw the outline of the boogyman.
She heard the movement under her bead.

Shapes unknown,
Throughout the space of her bedroom.
She watched for all the creatures lurking.

She felt someone watching back,
Waiting for her to sleep,
So they could attack.

And hiding beneath the covers served no solace.
Her thoughts were not her friends.

Creatures were coming closer in the night,
Scratching at her bed.

She wanted to face the danger.
She refused to be eaten blind.

Days play on through decades.
Another needle to the arm,
And suddenly,
The little girl who calls you,
"Daddy,"
Can't jump into your arms.

She's much to tall.

And she remembers that day.
In the Arkansas fall,
She waited for the moment,
When you emerged in the driveway.

She thought,
"Not today.
I won't smile and pretend,
Everything is okay.
I will not cry into your arms.
I will not jump for joy into your,
Falsly,
Loving arms."

She thought she might accept the change,
instead she might,
Punch you in the face.
She might bite your hands when you,
Predictably,
Grab her to examine her face.

**"The years change you.
Look at how you've grown."

I don't know how else to show you.
As a daughter of yours,
You'd think my voice had power.

But I have no authority.

As you so choose to remind me.

Powerless to sway you.

I wanted the chance to see,
I wanted to fight and get angry.

Bad blood,
That bad blood pouring in between this,
We need to drain it.

I want to fight until you die.
So I can stand over your grave and say,
That I fought for your life everyday.

But I know the drugs will take you.
They already have you miles away.
They'll take you in death or in a cage.

They'll take you and break pieces of me,
That pain harbors deep within.

Did you not care or just didn't see,
The layers of **** you piled on me?
Years of drowning under your mistakes,
Your excrement of mental shame.

I just want to win.
I want to be perfect and impressionable,
So I can say that change is not impossible.

But I will be the one at your funeral,
******* the man I love by your tombstone.

Just to ******* over in death,
The way you did to me,
In life.

I'll stand at the podium and laugh,
Laugh because everything I did was not,
Enough.
So my efforts will be humorious.

I'll be mad as ****; insane.
But it won't matter,
You will never see the pain.

I'll be free when they lower you in dirt.
I'll be free but it will always hurt.

I should not be alone.

I wish I was not,
Alone.

These thoughts,
I do not trust them.

But they've made a home in me.

I wish you knew.

I wish I knew,
How to tell you.

I cannot form the words,
I need.
But you hold me by the hands,
And plead.

But I do not know how.
I do not know how,
To tell you:

I am a sad girl.

I am a sad girl.

I should be asleep.
My thoughts are racing.
It is all I can feel,
Emptiness.

Death is eminent.

I am the one who is irrelevant.

The ones who mattered most,
Have proven it.

How long before,
He starts to feel it?
How long before,

I draw the line?

They all want to die.
Give it time.
I **** everyone,
Around me.
If I could take back those words.
If I could take back those words.

Sitting on a bench and telling her,
What I thought was best for her.
"Leave him."

I know best for no one.

He shot himself and she,
Hoards the pills,
I gave her for relaese.
Eats them to die in her sleep.

Survives.

Just to,
Slit her wrist come wintertime.
The sun is gone too long,
You see.
The warmth reminds her of Jamie.

And she's not the only one.

My father sits on his queen bed,
Opening that wooden box,
Storing old needles.
Methamphetamine and pain killers.
Hiding in that cabin,
In the woods,
Getting high and dying.
He thinks of the bench we sat on.

When I told him to die.
I told him it didn't matter how,
Or why.
I told him it would happen,
No matter if he did,
Or didn't try.
Prison was the only way,
To save his life.

That old boyfriend,
On the wooden stairs.
Eyes wide,
Bloodshot and high.
He held that gun and cried.
He held it to his head.
I screamed,
Bang.
I screamed.
I screamed.

I screamed.

Seconds were eternity.

If I could take back those words.

I ****, I ****.
I do not save.

I do not ******.

But love me,
And you'll wish for death in other ways.
I wish for change,
It remains the same.
Those who love me,
Absorb the shame.

Dying, dying.
Slowly, everyday.

I say the wrong thing,
In perfect moments.

My failures wait for me,
In the reflection,
Every morning.

Nightmares dance
Through my mind.
Pictures, motion pictures.
Often black and white.

My voice taunts my body.
I see every imperfection,
My voice will remind me,
To look,
Before I can forget.

My breath escapes me.
There is no room for air,
In,
Me.
I cannot inhale.

I cannot inhale.

Just a stroll along the moonlit river,
A train's bridge,
Far above the little town.
She talks of new horizons, so familiar.
"All of the open space,
You can see the horizon from here."

A long distance, and short time ago,
She saw no horizons,
She explained to him.

No opened glittering sky.
Smog and dust and steel mountains,
In the way of clarity.

True love trespassed on a train's bridge.

He falls through the nightly routine.
A hard day of work,
It's been a rough week.

They climb into bed,
Slide in between the sheets.
The lights are out.
"Come snuggle with me."

They fold over one another,
Pieces in a perfect puzzle.

She sleeps along side him,
Or so he believes.
He holds her,
In the dark silence.
And pushes the stray hair,
From the frame of her face.
This is what it feels like,
To be cared for.

And every worry,
Embedded in her bones,
Melts away, in one sensation.

In this perfect moment of peace,
She feels complete.

He holds on, and emotions run deep.

Even when,
Neither one has said anything.

There was a day when I hated myself,
I hated my life and what my failure represented.
But you woke me up.
You pushed me everyday to love myself.
And still the things I hate,
You find a way to love.
You picked me up.
You made me weightless in the sun.
I had no choice and I couldn't resist,
I had to open up.
You brought this light into my vision,
Convincing me to make my dreams happen,
Concentrate that will to hate,
And make it work for me.
I can never fail to death,
With you to catch me.
I lived a life that made me scared of,
Nothing.
But for whatever reason,
Meeting you was terrifying.
Trusting you was petrifying.
You held my hand while I faced the fear,
You kept patience and maintained a pace.
You didn't throw it back at me,
Or rub it in my face,
Like a ***** who couldn't keep it together.
You saw that big-girl fight in me,
You held onto her and made her free.
You brought her back to me.
There is nothing I could do to repay you,
For saving me.
But I will love you everyday,
And I will fight like hell so YOU can see the day,
Where every one of your dreams,
Become our reality.
Baby, I'm not going anywhere.
We're a team,
Watch the doors,
I'll man the windows,
And lets **** any ******,
Who tries to infiltrate.

I sit here in the corners,
Trying to make sense of what I don't have.
He fumbles with his keys telling me,
"Shut the **** up, and get over it."

And the only one that gets it,
Is my Lana del Rey.
And all my love is living miles away.
I'm sitting alone.

He comes home from that midnight walk,
To the bar strip. (A bit tipsed.)
I haven't moved from this spot and he tells me,
"Get the **** up now, get a ******* grip on it.

"Crying all the time isn't going to fix it."
Oh, but I want to be perfect.
Ignore the puke underneath the toilet rim.
I must have missed it when I cleaned my messes yesterday.

But you've always ignored that anyway.
And Lana is the only one who gets me,
Singing,
Me and God, we don't get along.

Crack another beer,
Lemme see that little plastic baggie.
Oh, tell me this is pure.
I'll let you love me if this gets me high.

Burning the foil,
My body reacts to the odors,
This is how you treat your baby right.
I grip my straw tight.

The world will think I'm pretty,
And this ****** up love will be okay.
My heads in the sky and I'll never die.

Grim Reaper's can't reach this high.

Hot water showers over my skin.
Desire burning through our flesh.
Lost in the plastic curtains,
My arms drape over his shoulders,
Steadying myself upright with his,
Bones to lean into.
One foot steadied by the ledge of this,
Claw tub.
His fingers are lost in the lips,
Around my ****.
All I have to do is remember,
To breathe easy.

Pressure building within.

Skin burning red from,
Either the rush from under our skin,
Or the steady stream of boiling water.
Minds racing like rush hour.
Steam clouds the mirror,
Two shadows dance behind the curtains.
******.
******.
******.

His words encourage but,
I do not hear him behind,
The blood pounding in my ears.
I do not have the will,
To stand alone.

He holds me in perfect place.
Leaning into him,
I give it all in.
My body bursts wide open.
I can't feel my body hold him.
I am in suspension.

Fingers running up and down the walls.
Layers of dirt and crusted blood,
Build up in my fingernails.
These hands are not so frail.
Open sores and little motivation.
Climbing out from the bottom of this hole,
Gave bruises and cuts.
But I'm never going to give up.

And so the efforts may bring on weakness,
So tired.
But I look up to see the sunshine.
I see the inches bring me closer to,
The open air.
I chose to hold my head up.
Because if I look down,
If I look down to see the bottom,
I made into a home,
I'll forget to find the light.
I'll forget to fight for daylight.

Those hands,
Bring my waist to his,
Those hands,
Trail and fall along my back.
Gripping my ***,
Hands full as he lifts my body,
I am weightless,
In his kiss.
No feet on the ground,
I'm his.

Together on that battered love seat,
Our legs entwined.
We laugh as the hours,
Trail behind.
He plays with my hair,
Takes my hand,
And watches me.
Oddly aware of every move I make,
Blushing.
"What, baby?"
I ask but I know,
He's thinking of me.
He smiles almost,
Boyishly.

The day fades to night.

"As much as I don't want to,"
He begins.
I know it's time for this,
To end.
I gather my scattered clothes,
From the floor of every room,
In his apartment.

Smiling at the memories,
In every corner.
He makes me feel like I can finally get,
My **** in order.