I'm angry,
Because I feel old to you.
No novelty,
No desire to try and pursue.
Did you forget about me?
When's the last time that you,
Swept me off my feet,
And remembered to set aside a moment,
To feel complete with me?
Past the point of understanding,
I don't want this for my future.
Life unravels and people change,
But you went from extremes rather quickly.
You are not the same as you were,
In the summertime.
You felt my skin on yours,
I let your hands explore.
You put your lips on the fabric of time,
I felt it quiver with you.
But maybe that was all I am?
An escape from the busy,
And never,
Substantial or real.
You say you love and then remind me I'm not yours,
With the lies you repeat to all the world.
Nothing serious.

Stupid ******* girl.

It's too soon for you,
To look past me the way you do.
The walls around my heart are being reconstructed.
I loved too soon and that's my fault for trusting.

But I'm not going anywhere, alright?
Not until you force me out of your life.
As of now your arms are not that open..
So I'll stay at home and hope that I'm not broken.

I don't yet know the real you.
I see glimpses and I'm often surprised.

As time goes on I realize,
You're angry,
And you don't set aside the time.
I'm much too young to feel,
So cast aside.
Maybe you should prioritize.
Maybe you should listen when,
I'm feeling wise.
I'm afraid to tell you anything,
You're dismissive and defensive.
Is it bad that I am educated?
Rhetorical question.

Maybe you want a stupid girl,
A pretty fool.
Who can cook, and clean and satisfy you,
In a bedroom.
She'll apply her make-up and shut her mouth,
And let you be rude and stomp around.
Well these **** put her brain to good use.
I don't appreciate being told,
What I can say, or what I can do,
When it comes to helping you.
Because I'm just as, if not more stubborn than you.
I will fight to get across the words I know as truth.
I think in theories and educated guesses.
I don't leave room for faith and blind following.
So don't speak down to me in public.
Don't try to growl,
"I am man."
I do not back down so easily,
But remember I'm selective,
I am not a wife.
I have the freedom to go,
And I'll fly.

The words form along our lips,
Mine twist.
Stuck and jumbled.
I take a deep breath,
But my voice still fumbles.

You mean to say,
That you actually give a ****?
What is this?

"Tell me what you need to say."

Like the words in this poem,
I wish the words I have for you,
Would free flow and,
Exist without hesitation.

I trained myself,
To carefully select,
The words I choose,
In conversation,
Afraid of his reaction.

But these words are for you,
I don't mean to confuse.
I only want to love,
And be loved,
By you.

These words are not mine,
Anymore.
This silence isn't fine,
Anymore.
There is no bed that is mine,
Never was.
I can go back to the floor.
Just waiting for the words.
"I do not want you here,
Anymore."

It will rip,
It will drag from beneath me,
This safety and security.
I wait for the moment,
Where you see me for what I am.
Sad,
Miserable,
Lonely.

Who can love a girl like me,
Wrapped in all this misery.

I'm too serious,
And you're not going to like it.

That emptiness creeps in,
I am alone.
Your mouth is moving,
But I can't hear anything but:

"..using me.."
He says.

"..using me.."

I am so breakable.
You're only speaking in,
Hypotheticals.
Is it this easy?
Disappointment in myself,
Is overwhelming.
When did I give you the power,
To break me?

It's too late.
I've already let you past the gates.
Infiltrated.
You know it all and,
I can't go back now.
I can't go back.
I don't want to,
And I don't know how.
This life is meaningless,
Without you in it now.

Don't walk away,
Don't shut me out.
Wanting you is the only thing,
This was ever about.

But one day you will not remember.
One day you will walk away.

Don't be afraid of the dark,
Little Girl.
The real monsters are people.
They can't get you here.
Don't cry into the shadows,
Dear.
They will not help you here.

Evil calls you a daughter,
He tries to hold your hand.
Evil kisses you so sweetly,
On that little red-head.
You cry into the darkness,
Terrified and spineless.
But darling,
You were bread in violence.

You were born to cry.
So learn to lie.

He stumbles down the dirt path,
Looking back.
A little too much to drink,
Too many thoughts,
To think.

His eyes meet mine,
And shine.

But it's not quite right.

He stumbles through the field and weeds,
He falls to lean in and,
Kiss me.

"I needed you. And you're here.
Like magic."

Smile.
Nervous,
My mind wonders back.

The fire burns my face,
And I remember.
It was late December.

The look in his eye,
Too familiar.
What will happen,
To me tonight?

Pacing, anxious.
How does this much,
Tend to change him?
"No more,"
He admits.

Strange words,
To cross a man's lips.

I waited.
For insults and violence.
I waited for bruises.
I waited for the moment,
He ruins me,
Clueless.

But.

He touched my face,
And I wasn't afraid.
I still loved the way,
He said my name.

This isn't December.
This isn't the past.
This is a love that is going to last.

I hold his hand to,
Stabilize.
And we laugh.

"Hi, beautiful."
*"Hi, baby."

He's inside,
With a deep breath,
She rides.
An animal instinct,
His nails dig,
Into her pale skin.
Guiding her hips,
With vicious wrists.
Cuts and bruises.
Thickness,
Ripples inside.
She climbs,
To ******,
He guides,
Prepared to spread,
His soul,
All over,
Her.

A hand around my waist,
I'm safe.

The bitter wind blows,
But here in your arms,
I do not know the cold.
I'm warm.

There once was a day,
Where I walked alone.
Your hand is in mine,
I'm yours.

I've counted my losses,
I've wept and felt hopless.
I found you in the middle of chaos.
I'm whole.

The world has a center,
There is focus,
No more shifting.
I'm building.

I blocked out the world,
Closed myself in.
I busted the locks,
To make sure they stayed,
Shut.

I never opened up,
To know the sun.
I made friends in the shadows.
I made friends with,
The cobwebs.

This was how I protected myself.
Protect my home,
From burning down to the,
Floor.
Protecting myself,
I'd say.
Closed up,
My arms wrapped around,
My legs.
I will never open up.
My heart is shattered,
It is far too dangerous.

But we met that day in,
August.
A beautiful day in the,
Summer.
You said my name.
Ripples of shudders
You said my name,
And I have never felt the same.

You took your time,
With burned floorboards,
And broken locks.
You held my hand,
When I was afraid,
To open up.

trust

Rebuilding from the foundation,
Remembering that love is innovation.
You hold my hand through,
The toughest of renovation.

I'm opening the curtains,
Bringing in the sunshine.
I can't remember the last time,
I accepted this sunlight.
I'm warm again,
This is home.

I want to dance in the rain.
I want to sing,
Belt out every little love word.
We dissolve ourselves of shame.
I want to sing it with you.

I love it when you,
Say my name.

I plant flowers and prepare,
For May.
I smile just a little wider,
Than I ever did before,
The fires.
I feel new.

You brought the light,
Into this broken,
Old soul.
I remember that girl in the mirror,
I haven't seen her in
            years.

The winter had her hidden away.
Where did you find her?
Where did they hide her?

It's time we go out,
To play.

Walk until your bones grow sore.
Keep moving through darkness,
Rain and snow.
Survive the thirst and hunger,
Keep moving your feet.
Remind yourself that,
You don't understand defeat.
Remind yourself that,
One day you'll find relief.
Keep pushing for miles,
And miles,
And miles.

Slowly you start to lose your mind,
You lose yourself,
Lose track of time.
The pain, the pain, the pain.
It distracts you from terrain.
Through woods and rivers and oceans,
Wade through and believe that it's worth it.
Dying with every passing day.

He held her in his arms,
Chosen.
She danced to the music,
Let go of all past,
Inhibitions.

She let loose and played the games.
He held,
The small of her back,
And let her fly.
But never too far away.

She smiled and leaned in for a kiss,
Darlin', I'm going to miss this.
God, is THIS what love is?

He held hands with a broken soul,
And she kissed his bruised ego,
And they never felt alone.
They only felt,
Whole.

She was buried,
Under years of neglect,
Dust,
And fragments,
Of death and sadness.
Greeting the sun,
With a hatred,
Finding no peace in her sleep.

Every man that laid possession,
Claimed to be her protection,
Left her,
Abandoned.

She stood only alone,
And crawled,
To build her own home.
While they tore down the boards,
And used them to cage her.

****** knees on the weekend,
She danced for more men,
And found solace in piles of cash.
So they taxed her,
And ***** her,
They did nothing to save her.

Cornered and lost,
Searching for hope,
In the mirror
Her own eyes a stranger.
Where was the light that made her?
Eyes sunken and black,
No voice,
Just a shrug off their shoulders.

They drained her,
And played her,
Used her and,
Forgave her.

She felt nothing at all,
They maimed her.
Shared her,
Left nothing to spare her.
She's over and done.

They won.

I step into the room,
Remove my shirt to prevent,
The evidence.

It's good for you, stay strong for me.
He says in a message.

But I can't hold off amymore.

This is my battle,
My world.

Crying on the bathroom floor,
Lost control looking for,
A way to keep sain.

On my knees,
Slowly,
Tickling my throat,
With a writing utensile.
Keep breathing,
Short, quick.
And let it release.

This will be over if you keep pushing on.
She says in a mirror.

This is the cost of perfection,
The pain of dedication.
My chest stiffens.

But you're my picture perfect.
He says in a message.

An image to fall for,
A frame of reason,
To get where you need to be.

But here I am praying to my porcelain.

Adding the bites of failure over and over,
In my mind.
Let it out,
Let it go.

All of my energy flushes away.
This picture isn't perfect,
It's held up in place,
Meant to be a beautiful mistake.

Failing all over the place.

I bet you're just beautiful.
He says in a message.

If beauty was tragic.

*This beauty is,
Tragic.

Pretend she is me,
Pretend I am the body,
That you need.

Dancing to the rhythm,
of that alien beat.

She's rolling and twirling,
Around you and for you.
With you and on you.
Those glossy eyes roll back,
In defeat,
And you want to feel more,
She's making you weak.

Your hands shake,
And she's breathing your soul,
Your breath quivers,
Trapped, in her control.
You,
      Are,
                    No longer mine-
            
                           anymore.



I close my eyes and pretend it was me.
Making you wetter,
with each ****** inside me.

I know it's the end,
  You make it easy to read,
     Because she stole your light,

*And ran back to the sea.

She dried her eyes.
Removed the old and tattered clothes.
Washed her face in the sink.

She removed her garnments,
Laced, pink.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She picked out his favorite dress,
And decided on the jewelry.
Gold, silver, diamonds, she'd keep.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She applied her make-up,
With expertise,
The powders, creams, and primers.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She let down her hair,
From that day old bun,
And fashioned it up,
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She cleaned those shattered dreams,
From the floor and walls.
Her heart was broken, crushed porcelain.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

This is what empty feels like.
Drained.
We fought too hard for you to quit the race.

Staring me down and finishing that last,
Swig.
You ask me to open another bottle.

I don't want to open anymore of these bottles.
You don't want to fight anymore of these battles.
You just,
Want to **** me every night.

I just want to feel whole and,
All right.
Crying when you **** me from,
Behind.
Hiding my face,
Mistaking sobbing for satisfaction.

We're ending. We're over.
It's the same thing,
Old and worn tired.

We didn't crumble this time,
We didn't cry.

You've still gotta' leave my bed tonight.
I can't pretend that this is fine.

I can't pretend to be your ***** *****.
You never say "I love you" when,
We **** anymore.

Push my head into the pillows,
hold me
just hold me

Nobody holds me.

Small shoes and,
Tiny dresses.
She holds my fingers.
And he takes another bottle,
From the fridge.
Puts it to his lips.
She's crying,
We're hungry.

I wake up from my dream.
It was not real
She is not real

He opens his eyes.
It's just us two,
And his breath still smells,
Like the wheat.

"Marry me" he says,
Smiling.
I can't.
I can't.
Live my nightmare.

Your eyes study me,
Searching for the signs that we are,
Still,
The same.
Do you see the years,
Gone by?
I can see you want,
To try.

I find weakness and I seek this.
Awkward treatment,
And a past of bleakness.
You tie me up after I dance for you.
There's no blackness that this *** can't,
Rip through.
I find you charming in your soliloquies,
In fractured moments,
You're artless,
Dressed up in a talent,
So opulent.
Politically you're **** is,
Somnolent.

If I don't-
If,
I cannot believe in love,
I will not live in love,
I will not bleed in love,
I will not need in love,
I will not drown in love,
I will not sink in love,
I will not be in love,
I will not be alone in love,
I will not die alone,
In love.

I will claw away at my memory,
Dig beneath my skin is search of blood.
Proof,
That I am not dead.
I don't eat,
Just to feel alive again.
The shower is running,
I am,
On my hands and knees.

Empty me.

I collect the pain of my lovers,
I hoard the memories of my past selves.

I keep the worst of them on the top shelves.

If I could reach into your veins,
If I could swim inside your heart,
I'd stop the broken pieces,
That are shaking you apart.
I would take my time,
And then,
We would stand in unison.

I can hear every word
you think.
It carves into my brain like a trail
of ink.
You're not so far away, but it's hard
to speak.
Who knew that these anchors would guide us
to sink.

You turned around when I fell from
the brink.

His rage ***** up into a fist,
Nobody loves me,
He says through his teeth.
A blow to his face, and then another.
Hitting himself is my punishment.

calm down

I hold his face,
It's soaked and burning.
Wrapping myself around him,
Protecting him from himself,
Screaming with whispers that
I've always loved you

He can't hear a ******* thing.

His arms are flailing
peeling me from him,
I'm locked, I won't let go,
And I'm telling him so,
But he can't hear a ******* thing.

"Nobody. Loves me."

Words fall flat and the air gets heavy,
He's silent, motionless.
The seconds are my punishment,
As his rage carries him to the stairs.

I hug myself,
Crying, again.
Why do you do this to yourself?
Pathetic.
Rocking, comforting my trembling hands,
His footsteps crack in the ceiling.
Bracing my body prepared to leave,
His footsteps weaken to the door.
I'm freaking out, I can't take anymore.
His first step is slow,
Then heavy and stomping,
He makes his way down..
And a shimmer of metal he holds in his hands,
Is put into a shotgun.

"Why don't you just, give that to me.
P l e a s e.."

At a crooked angle, it's in his head.
His eyes are empty.
My body is shaking, screaming,
dropping.
I close my eyes and
I can't ever open them again.

Of course I miss you.
I'll never find another love,
Like the one we knew.
Sometimes I wonder,
If you miss me too.
If we could forget the past,
And start anew.
But then I remember,
All the ******* you put me through.

A waste of my time,
Spending hours watching windows,
Watching cars go by, that are not you.
I wish I knew,
That when you said you would be here for me,
It wasn't the truth.
Can't you just stay in my arms a little longer?
Wrap them around me,
Just a little bit tighter.
Give me a reason to believe in you.
Everyone around me uses youth as the excuse.
This is basic math,
Follow along.
If you add a promise but omit an end result,
Subtract honesty,
And add blatant disregard,
You end up with one.
Two minus one is just you.
Tell the truth.
I see right through it,
My brain sees the deceit yet,
My heart keeps on believing it.
"You will walk through my door,
You will not leave my bed tonight."
It only takes a little consideration to make things right.
I won't keep up the fight,
For attention. Not tonight.

I have immersed myself in you,
Plunged, Submerged, Consumed,
Gasping.

Looking through a focus of,
Jealousy and hate,
I had lost sight in what is real.
Finding truth in a person,
Isn't what rage reveals.
She looks at me with desperate eyes,
Screaming to herself,
"Why?"
The world is never what,
You expect in the end.
To look into the enemy's eyes,
And make a friend.

To laugh with you again,
(A stranger called a friend.)
Wipe the cobwebs off my soul,
And recognize myself again.
I see such a light in you.
Sometimes I think you see it,
In me too.
It's hard to say,
In between this time,
And space.
But I try not to step,
Out of my place.
You have this way of making me,
Forget my ways.
But it's so nice to laugh with you,
These days.

I could have loved you.
It's in the back of my mind,
Every time I see that name,
Or hear that song.
Instantly I'm taken back,
To when we were young.
You smiled at me,
And I knew what it meant,
But I was terrified to love you.
I was terrified to try.
I didn't want to ever,
Have to say a real goodbye.
Then-
That night when the streets,
Were quiet,
And the rain was soft...
My world was crushed.

I ran to you,
Your door was locked.
But you saw right through,
And one look was enough.
Where would I be?
Where would I be, if we,
Were one?

It isn't something you can change,
With words.
You look at me as if,
I could possibly change,
Anything and turn it,
My way.
But you have to know,
I've loved you every single day.
How much I missed that half smile,
Dancing on the edge of your face.
And the sound of your voice,
It's home.
Something they will never know.
And the days turn night,
Summers turn cold,
The world we have shifts,
Until the day you do as you're told.
Addiction like a suction,
Absorbed and concentrated,
You morph into,
Fragments.
In, then out of my door.
I count the moments in between.
The way you yell, and,
Every time I scream,
It's such a beautiful thing.
This sick game of parenting,
You've played onto me.

You grow up farther away,
From the truth of,
Our youth.
In the form of morning,
You approach me as if,
There was something to say.
But you always walk away.
Nothing else can see you,
In the light that I do.
But you press on,
As if you never knew my name.
Remember me,
When you're old and grey.
Remember me as if I stayed the same.

I always lose you,
But you are so easy to replace.
Many colors and patterns,
Yet they all work the same.
You are never near when needed,
And I need you the most.
You always hide in the shadows,
Waiting for me to find you,
But this relationship is so one-sided.
With flames that burn the weeds.
Of this I'm always in need.
You are only to be lost,
Lighter,
In the hands of me.

I can go forever,
Searching the walls for smiles.
Higher.
You bring such a light.

If you can just keep smiling,
Everything might be alright.

"Give it a go,
Just hold it in, then blow."

Fly.

Cut straws remind me of that place.
The lingering smell gives me a headache.

Empty pens that we've misplaced..
Bring back the memories disgraced.

*Wipe that ******* smile off your face.

Are you there..?
I always think you're listening.

It's got me censoring.

Perhaps my thoughts are just so loud,
You can hear them through the walls.
My own thoughts are not safe here.
I yell so loudly,
That only sleep can keep it down.
Only sleep,
When I scream at myself.
Sometimes yelling is the only way,
To keep the whispers out.

This life is at a standstill.
I can repeat the lie but I know it isn't true.
What can you do,
When the future is thriving,
But the past is dead?
Those young faces are cold and distant.
I'm not the little girl I once was.
So full of hope and ignorant,
The small things meant much more to us.
I'm not letting go,
Or saying goodbye.
But I won't blame you if you try.

I have survived,
With only half of my heart broken,
With as much dignity as what's been taken, and
Hope as far as I can throw it.

I have trained myself,
To be aware of what is worst to come,
To close my eyes in darker times, and,

To know that I cannot be loved.

I have faced,
A rope that leaps to outer space,
A cliff with rocks and waves down at it's base, and
Held on to,
A crack head with my name.

Although the lesson that I learn is never the same,
The outcome remains.
I was ruined,
Painted smile to be seen.
Never seeing the rotting core to the depths of me.

Healing.

You must first fall,
To stand again.

Straightened.

The floor is starting to roll from underneath me..
I can't see
Through the fog.
The music is pumping
Throughout my veins.
My heart is set,
On vibrate.
My lungs might explode,
As the drug takes it's toll.
And the walls start to move,
Now I'm down on the floor..
Where is my friend?
Why did she leave?
Chelsea?
This guy helps me up,
As he fills up my glass.
I sip at the *****,
And dance to the beat.
I spill my drink.
He laughs at me,
And pulls me aside,
Asking me if I want a good time.
I think he means ***,
But possibly drugs.
And drugs,
Make everything twice as fun.
I asked if he's holding,
He said he was.
But only if,
I
Can
Please.
Exchange *** for drugs,
Man that sounds kind of rough..
But I do it.
And it was,
Fun.

He looked at me.
He always knows
What's in my heart.
It always shows.
He knows my mind and outer fears.
He knows the signs I figure
Are unclear.
This guy,
He understands my world.
He loves me dearly,
And protects me so.
Although,
I do not give
Him the Time
Of Day.
He'll stay.
And wish,
Wish for me.
But I am not in
Love.
I am merely just
Loved.

He trembles with it
In his shaky hands.
A thousand miles away,
She can hear his heart
Beating.
Beating.

Beating.

It's all she wants.
To hear his heart
Beating.
Beating.

Beating.

Hold his sweater close,
The smell
of youthful death.
An ending.
Out with a bang,
In with a gun.
In with darkness.
Brave.
Coward.
She can't live
With the guilt.
She can't live.
Because he refused life.

He aims at his head
With the bullet
But he shot her
through
the heart.
And she cries..
"These violent delights
Have violent ends."
He was. She is.
She can't stand it.
Death in the form
of suicide.
In the youth's eyes.
He flies.
"There is no God"
She said to me.
"Because my Jamie is dead."
Hot, hot shower.
Skin is red.
"He's dead."