I will never amount
to you
add up all the tracks I left
the pieces of my life I've kept

are a multitude of how much
I respect
that I can subtract all my mistakes
and never be what you have become

ill never walk your path

and I think it's great how you
used to be great

now you're amazing
and I'm blazing new trails
taking and making a new road

decoding the code of how you
got to climb the ladder

guess I'll be climbing forever

I'll never understand your
peaks plains and valleys
the dips and ruts are where I'm stuck

I'll never be smart like you
talented
balancing a top job
I'll never be loved or as creative

I hate it.
because I'll never make it
like you can

and I'll be ******
if I ever graduate from college
or learn the knowledge that you hold

I understand it's a cold world
but I'll never create a mural
of all my accomplishments
and paint the landscape whichever
color I want

because I can't
amount to you
I've been reduced to the shadows
of your celebrations

so I celebrate in your darkness
I hang around on the same old ground as I always have

this makes me sad
this makes me angry and mad

but nonetheless I'm glad you've
gotten to be who you want to be

but please.
step aside so I can cast
my own shadow
and be me...

Never meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry how I've made you sad.
you've been the first unconditional
love I've ever had.

this has been more than you think.

this hurts me, as it hurts you
permanent ink like a tattoo
you will never regret

never forget
I will never love you the same
not again like you love me
and I hope we can be friends.

you mean so much to me
I yearn to preserve what
we have between one another

I am not what you NEED
and will never be
I hope we can leave each other
so you
and I

can be happy.

I am sorry
so sorry, for hurting
you

please do not accept
this apology.

follow me into an eternity of
friendship that loves
and forget that pastime love
and the once pastime
"me"

Fear fed my focus
on the unsettling questions,
suggestions and thoughts
which seemed to run like a film
ever projecting // never ending.

Fear fueled and seared uncertainty
into my heart
and threatened my ability
to beat //
to breathe
correctly

Soon my lungs were collapsing
breath was decreasing
which began to impair
my vision
I then started losing and missing
the pitches of clear sounds

Which now clearly suggested
I was losing my hearing
I could no longer smell
the burning
the thirst and yearning

So tasteless and speechless I
bitterly reached out for something
near me
yet struggled to touch it for the anxiety was consuming

I found myself so
incapacitated with worry and fear
-for what it might unveil
so quickly in a sense,
I had lost all of my
senses which ultimately led me
down paths // peaks // planes // and valleys

These innate abilities were stripped // ripped from my grip
someone please find me //
before I lose everything and find
it all to be permanently
a part of me...

I am I...
I am the the right of the wrongs
that rubber cement
the name of the game
I add links to the chain
re arrange the brain.

I am I...
I come from the west and traveled to the east coast
I am the earth the universe and this globe

I am I...
I paradoxically transfix your mental state changing the frontal lobe.
I am the blood and the veins of this country the crescendo of the symphony

don't **** with me

I am I...
I am the fist of power
I am the topic of the hour
the dro and the sour
I am the dopest of the dope yo the most of the most.

I am I...
Praise me.
raise your cup to me first.
dream and reflect//project yourself into the sky

I am I...
I am the knots,
the intricate seams
at the end of the rope
the drugs in your veins the perfect acid dose.

I am I...

Why people cut themselves,
I would
never begin to understand.

ok. so now I am lying
because my cuts
were never truly planned.

I know why.
the pain.
the misery.
when it all becomes too much...

yes I know you think no one understands

that no one cares
its easy to pretend
that you're tough

and tried true-
your ******* up in the air
saying *******

when really everything hurts
trust me I know
I didn't cut because I have more scars on my wrist
than lines in a notebook

I was so spiral bound up inside
that I
I never told anyone
they just thought those lines were
accidental wounds in reality
but sadly this was just a self destructive behavior and mentality

but soon when I began to heal
my wounds became scars
mapping out like constellations and stars
all over my arms

I don't hide em
this is me
I wear them with pride
like the rings on my fingers
because I've promised myself
my fingers will never touch another razor blade

I've made progress
and the scars begin to dissipate
like it's all clear
no chaos no havoc

the bleedings receding
inside the darkness is fleeting
suffocation to
breathing

my heart.
my heart is now beating

and I can understand why pain reflects itself
projects pain in the form of self injury.

so I lied.
I always // knew // why.