focus closer, darling
zoom into that intuition
sometimes you can't identify
whether your heart is light
and airy with joy
or tipping towards the edge of catastrophe
spiral downwards and reconsider
the possibility of your artificial concept of happiness
inflated sense of self when, really,
if only they knew how deflated you feel.
years of self-medicating with closeness
intimacy
and losing yourself trying to hold on.
but forget not, please remember,
the light and lightness that return
once you let go
and come back
to yourself.
focus, love.
see through your own fog.
and come back.

Aren't we all just knocking
on open doors
I'm not home right now.
Try again later.

Trust is like a personality.
Broken, evenly.
You say, I trust everyone
but you.

I'm kind of split in judgement anyways.
But I can't keep up with who you're trying to be today.

it's easy to be selfless
until you find you've been selfish
exalted til you're looking up from the dirt
bold til your fears are looking back at you
(and having a good laugh in doing so)
an unquestionably great lover
while really, a pain in the ***
a model flower of the family in a field so removed
until you turn around to see you're as strong-willed a branch
grown on the same tree.

like a brick hurdling through a wall of fog
i will never forget that phone call
it took less than a nanosecond to react
a steinway deluged with my tears
the beginning of a ride i would have put off forever.

like lightning radiating through a mundane darkness
i will never forget that spark
it took less than a nanosecond to react
a stodart consumed with my focus
a beautiful ride i thought i'd lost forever.

Forever

fleeting?

I lost you here.

But here you reappeared
Stronger from absence
Compassion without sense
Somehow this was the best way to break the waiting

Two old men
with the deepest understanding of me
Never to meet
Maybe better in dreams
But in the end, a more complete me
Always trusting feelings instead of how it seems

because of
our easiness
the warmth
hair
tan on ivory
the smoke
leg quivers
satisfaction and relief
big round nails
no rules
the exact angle i wouldn't trade for the world

i know it's good

"it's crazy how much aesthetics affect your wellbeing"
well, being
as we reconvened in the same place that ignited the spark
of course it was gonna feel good again
and being, well
back in the place where love was our life
of course i'm going to miss you

the time for irrational excuses has run out
i feel stuck in an hourglass that, while surely moving,
its direction and what [who] it's covering is indetectable
asking far too many questions and finding too few answers
is this a delusion?
do you miss him or the ease?
forgive or not?
where to draw a line?
what the **** are you doing??

the truth sets you free, baby
beyond all the shortcomings
you miss sweet, reciprocated bliss.

i know there have been moments where you pulled yourself down the stairs just to collapse onto the kitchen floor
i know there have been moments where you repeated,
"i will most certainly not make it out of this alive"
and you wake up the next morning and make it an inch further
my dear dramatic girl
there is no fault in loving with all of your heart
you will grow up and know what each word he presses to your chest means
you will have an Oxfords Dictionary for every time he tells you he was just out late
but if you keep putting pieces of you into everyone who runs their finger over your lips
or tells you "forever" as if it hasn't already lost its meaning
you will lose yourself
do not let the world desensitize you to its contents
theres nothing more tragic than watching a romantic become a cynic
you are full of a quality you cannot let every boy that stops loving you when it's convenient take from you
you are truthful and forgiving
you are trusting
and whats left of your heart is safety-pinned onto your sleeve
your heart belongs to you alone and i know its been a while since you heard this, but
you are full without people miles away telling you that they think you'd look pretty without your clothes on
dust it off,
lie on the kitchen floor and remember what it felt like when you said
"i will most certainly not make it out of this alive"
for when you wake up one morning and forget how it sounds
to be despondent in love
do not let the world take you and spread you over people who push you to fill pieces of them they have lost in others
you are prevailing every time you whisper
"i love you, too"

how long have i been sitting here
just came out of a fog
minutes and hours and years///Dear girl you are so desperately trying to force something out for what, validation? and for what validation? don't you know by now that it's not to serve yourself but serve the Universe
     well yes that's why i took 30 minutes to sit and notate it Keep my fake shades on like the artificial front that they are to shield "me" from a reality check black chic loner with cold tired feet flick some ash onto the curb you feel good when you get it on the first try isn't that everything in your life?...you just said this morning you're coming back to life yet I'm still right here and you lay before me struggling to escape my sweet suffocating deprecating embrace. run from the only things that ever made so much sense in your life, keep inviting fallacies and waiting for him to finally lose his love for you, how when you've found two of the biggest answers you've ever been searching for can you be manipulated into honoring an evil side? you can't possibly still be 80% water at least 30% smoke 20% weakness 10% greed 9% rules 6% haste 4% waste 3.1% not giving yourself credit and just a little bit left over for all the big dreams that wilt in the darkness of your head guess they don't care to know too badly how the sunshine feels

She only writes in black ink;
her thoughts are much too dark
for the blue.