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 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
B
You told me you were scared
You ran your fingers through my hair
And grabbed onto my hand
"Please never let me go"

When you told me you were scared
You never said what of
I assumed it was from a dream
Or monsters in the closet

I now read the letter you wrote
Of what scared you most
It was the visions in your head
The thoughts of pain and ending it all

I now sit here reading the note you left
Telling me the things that scared you
That leaving me and hurting me
Were one of them

But now I'm scared and I don't have you
That was the last time
I fell apart in your arms
And felt free

B.G.K
I'm stuck inbetween wanting recognition and not caring who sees.
Because part of me just wants fame and the other wants release.
The two halves of my soul fight quite violently.
And it's ripping me apart.
I don't know which to feed
I've always struggled with naming my poems.
They live and breathe as nameless things.
Nothing really fits.

Who is he who can name poetry?
Not I.
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
L
I'm in a semi-committed relationship with a boy who lives in the ground
He had the prettiest eyes I've never seen (does that make sense to you?)
Do you believe in flower-shaped pupils or irises the shade of the moon? I do
A girl told me once that bouquets look best clasped in skeletal fingers
I'd like to think that to be true
Because that's exactly how I imagine you.
I think eyes are mirrors and fingers are paintbrushes
No one is what they think they are and everyone's a liar
Listen to me. Don't fall in love with a Virgo no matter how many mountains their voice has moved.
Girls with eyelashes like butterfly wings have daggers for tongues
If you can't see shaking hands he doesn't love you, believe me
Even though you see yourself in him -- it's because his eyes are mirrors
Even though you see him in yourself -- it's because his fingers are paintbrushes
I don't feel electricity when we touch and I'm beginning to think that's our flaw
Your hands don't make my skin tingle
I can feel you tingle and shiver and gasp but I don't and perhaps I never have
I like the way he never leaves and I hate begging you to stay
Today marks two months with you and six months without you
And I'm not sure how I feel about that because I miss you
I miss you but I love you but I'm stuck on you too
Do you love me? Miss me? Still love me?
I'm in a semi-committed relationship with a boy who lives in the ground because he's the past I buried
Some things should stay in the dirt and he's one of them and I'm one of them and you're not.

*******, you're not.
What do we live for?
Is it for ourselves?
Or is there something more.
That drives us, that compels.
What is the purpose?
Of life here on this earth.
To love and be loved.
And to new love give birth.
That's the purpose.
And I hope it gives you pause.
Because life without love is pointless.
No man would have a cause.
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
L
I can't let myself think about you anymore
Or your hands
Or where you put your hands
Or the way it felt when you put your hands on me
Or the gentle sighs I exhaled because it felt so good
Oops
I'm thinking about how it felt
And That's Not Allowed
I can't think about that day at the amusement park
Or us getting lost
Or why we got lost
Because I put the map in my back pocket
And told you if you wanted it you had to get it
I can't think about the photo booth there
Or the reason it took us twenty minutes to take one picture
Such a bad picture of such a good day
Oops
I'm thinking about it again
And That's Not Allowed
I can't think about the car ride home
I can't think about when we stopped for dinner and your parents went inside to order
We stayed in the car
I can't think about that
I can't think about the countless movies we pretended to watch while our eyes were too busy getting lost in the moment
Or how it felt to have your lips pressed against my neck
The stubble on your chin tickled in a good way
Your neck tasted good
I hope mine did
I can't think about you telling me to be careful
Don't leave a mark
And me ignoring you
I wanted to leave a mark
I wanted a piece of myself with you
I can't think about the long hugs when your hands wandered down from my waist to my hips
And sometimes (every time) even farther
Or the way you pulled me closer
And closer
And c l o s e r
Until I could feel you
Really feel you
For the first time
I can't think about the first time I fell asleep on you
You were explaining the origin of your last name
Your stupid last name that I thought would be mine someday
Oops
I'm thinking about it
And That's Not Allowed
I remember where I was sitting when you told me you liked me
I remember what I was wearing when you said I was your favorite
I remember it
But I'm not allowed to think about it
I can't think about the way you smelled--
Like sweat and febreeze and something spicy I could never place
Or how soft your hair was
Or how rough your hands were
Or how I got lost in your eyes
Those big brown eyes
I loved them
But ******* I can't think about them
That's Not Allowed
I can't think about your voice
It was my favorite lullaby
Or the goofy side your never let anyone see
Anyone except me
Why me
Why did you need to break me?
I miss you
I love you
But I can't think about you anymore
That's Not Allowed.
Sing me a song.

     Of how you love me.

Even if it's a lie.

      I don't care at all.
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
B
Today is the day
One year ago you took the fatal fall
"I love you and this isn't fair
But I don't deserve to breathe"

The letter you wrote
Your suicide note
Is still embedded in my mind

I get so weak and break down
Legs shaking, breathing heavy
My tears running down the picture of you
The physical pain I felt and still feel is so real

There isn't a day that goes by
that I don't break down
That I do not scream your name
And hope you will return to me again

Do tell me doctor,
Do you have a prescription that can mend this too
That can heal my soul and aching body
Because I've tried all I can

I'll heal myself
Through lighters and blades
Leaving my skin feeling torn and burnt
Just like how it was when you'd touch me

B.G.K
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