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 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
holyoak
A suicide note written in car-crash rhetoric
Telling me it was an accident
No one was supposed to get hurt
No one was meant to be in pain
The mangled metal
Tells me it wasn't all for naught
She put up a fight
She tried to fix herself
But when was the last time
A car was fixed without a mechanic
And then I'm reminded
Of why you left me
I was no mechanic
I was the faulty traffic light
Was i the one that sent you head on
Into the oncoming cars
Or the one that held you hostage
and started the sea of lights
Waiting impatiently behind you
Maybe I'm the reason you're gone
But there's nothing I can do but sit
Questioning everything I've ever said to you
I guess it doesn't matter either way
You're gone now

[holyoak]
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
nat
Waves
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
nat
I toss and turn
I'm awake and then gone
I can't control my own thoughts
And suddenly I'm falling-
Then I'm back.

It's hard to find
A single moment
When the wave starts to crash
They build with wrong intentions
And they never really end.
So violent off the coastline
But on the shore they breathe
Seeming so gentle and kind
Until they pull you out
To drown in their undying pain.
I always loved the sand
The feeling between my toes
Until I walked on the grass again
And the sand wouldn't leave
It held on with everything.

And now my thoughts
Are back to you
Because you're just like the ocean
And maybe that's why
I don't swim anymore

{NR}
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
holyoak
I don't like endings
These past few days have gone by slow
Like time is forcing me to think about what you did
I always thought my house was too big
Too much room to think
Both a blessing and a curse
I can think about the way your hair shimmered
How it glistened as you told me we didn't anymore
I can think about the way your hips swayed
And when you told me I leave you feeling queasy 
I don't like endings
I don't enjoy the feeling of something good coming to a close
The feeling of falling apart
We were fine In our little snow globe 
And then you shook us
Now I'm spinning around with the snow 
And you're anchored to the bottom
Tell me how that's fair
I don't like endings 

[holyoak]
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
B
| Numb |
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
B
Knees to chest, sitting on the floor
Slowly rocking forward to back
Breathing slowing and fading
I can not feel

The devil on the left says
"Do it. You'll feel again."
The devil on the right says
"End your pain. Take the jump."

Where is the angel
The angel who is suppose to save
The angel that will make me feel
Like I am of worth and I am okay

Either way
I am doomed to destruction
My sight changes to the devil
I look to the left

The lighter burns in my hand
Everything is slow motion
Slowly touching the flame
To my pale skin

A rush of relief
Runs through my bones
My heart pounding fast
My body becoming weak

The devil on the left says
"Don't you feel better?"
But I don't.
So I lay in bed

With a new battle wound
From a war I lost against myself  
As I lay to sleep
I go back to where I once was

Lost
Alone
Afraid
Numb.

B.G.K
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
nat
And it hurts
When you're so worthless
To everyone,
Including yourself

When even
Your very best friend
Couldn't be bothered
To save you from hell

When those who
Told you they'd always be there
Left you
With out so much as a thought

And for
All they care
You could sit there
Until you started to rot.

{NR}
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
Sjr1000
We've become a
civilization of diseases
we build
monuments
statues
institutions
thinking death won't ever find
us here.

Our minds are scrambled
our bodies are damaged
our food is poisoned
our skies are toxic
our vices
are forces of processes
beyond our
control.

When we are not humbled
by nature's power
we inflict our wounds
upon ourselves in
the names of greed
and self protection
and no one knows
what it really means.

Fearful of the silence
we fill our skies with
endless noise
babbling on in endless
monotones, droning
while traffic stalls
at a hot stand still
idling engines
idling souls
depletion of every last glimpse
of the past.
Jam packed
in the stench
I am lost today
in
this vitriol
as anxiety, death and desperation
from every corner
screams my name.

That's why I came
to these woods
where the illusion of
peace remains
as
wild fires burn
just down the lane
as you know
as you say
its always been this way
when bodies hung
at every cross-roads
hunger, power, ignorance
and strength
all ran
the show.

I'm sick with
every disease I
know.

I float upon these tranquil
blue waters
and
we are reminded of the peace we all
really can know.
 Aug 2014 Alberto Ruiz
smallhands
For we can spin, in rest, over this galaxy
No oxygen or law to sigh from
Black holes in a taunting peripheral vision
The moon is our home, welcoming and lonely
We can let the radiating lights between pretty stars
Take us there, we cannot tell whether it is night or day
(The sun never seems to tilt this way)

-cj
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