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now or never
pull the lever
fall on the concrete
keep it discrete
watch me panic
think i'm a manic
not okay
wanna run away
can't escape
wrapped in tape
rip my skin
needles and pins
gouge my eyes out
a mouth that can't shout
pierce my side
drown me in cyanide
let me feel pain
i'm insane

not like you
what did you do
what happened to the girl i knew
what if i told you that i like the thrill of drowning
and every now and then i crave the flames licking my thighs?
i am (not) making every effort into closing the windows
and walking away from the birds outside.
stop asking me if i'm okay.
i'm tired of hearing the same **** question everyday.
you know the answer anyway.
i fell asleep in dawn's arms,
the horizon on its way.
i gathered my shattered pieces
and hid them under my black dress
while he asked
whose funeral i was attending.
mine, i said.
i kissed the violet pillows goodbye
and saw the worry in its smile.
i turned around and met with
a thousand cameras held at knee-level,
taking a million pictures of me
and thinking i wouldn't notice.
i ripped through his desert of laughter
to reach her ocean of tears.
she was all city lights and donut socks
and carefree yet caring and i
felt
felt
felt
her arms around my waist for the last time.
we posed for the camera and ripped
his guitar strings from his vertebrae,
but the dissonance of our amusement
and his offense
scared her.
the waves were flooding the shore of her irises
with the burning sun in sight.
i felt her teeth sink into my shoulder blades
as she cried out about the static noise
coming from the tv
and begged the sky to turn it off.
she screamed desperation into my hippocampus
as i sang every galaxy into her wrist,
but when i looked into her eyes
i saw nothing
but satisfied demons and molten lava.
i woke up on the edge of the moon
and cried
because i couldn't save her.
based on a vivid nightmare.
05.20.17
carnations drip from between her teeth.
black velvet adorns her rose petal skin,
gazing at her tortoiseshell dreams.
stars bloom from the dip of her collarbone
as silk knots wedge themselves between the holes in her earlobes.
she's got a mind of marble and a spirit of stone.
flowers and haikus echo throughout her soul.
her hair is filled with lavender dust,
her fingertips covered in charcoal.
when you hold your breath and dim your fairy lights,
she dances in the dark after 11 pm
in the cosmic alleyways of a saturated twilight.

my sister fixes me when i shatter,
and i hear angels seep
from the gleam of her laughter.
a contagious joy overflows
from her sock monkey mug
as her citrus bubbles pop
and the scent of mandarins fill my lungs.
when my mind is lost in space, she shakes me and calls my name
but through the hardships i've given her, she still loves me the same.
my sister takes my hand as we jump off swings
into pools of elysian dimensions
and streams of dopamine rush through my veins as she sings.
screams of our relief lay halfway through the woods
as i told her all the things i couldn't do,
and though she understood,
killed my poisonous doubts and showed me i could.
my sister lifts me and carries me through my tragedies,
putting me at ease as she jokes in dreams and rhapsodies.
i know that if my world were to fall,
my sister would come running to my little haven in the bathroom stall
and bring me to the comfort of the rainbows on her wall.
calm the midnight ivy pandemonium
and listen to the silence that follows
her melodies behind the cherrywood podium.
should i ever feel useless, or hopeless, or little,
leave me in the middle
of her cherry blossom giggles.
my sister shields me, and when i break, loves me in restitution;
should anyone mess with her
would be the start of a revolution.

we twirl batons beneath a patchwork canopy,
whisper goat noises into the depths of the sea,
ceasing our ocean tears with tea and poetry.
two hawaiian sisters living in a playful paradise,
reciting shakespeare and telling stories of kubla khan,
singing in the rain and drawing anime eyes.
we hide under window trees with branches like limbs,
cut our luminescent hair with blades of grass
only to fall in love with a horse prince.
we admire axolotls and jump with jellyfish,
our constellations colliding with a cappella chimes
as we laugh in harmony at makeshift mops and pretzel sticks.
we sleep in a bed of letters and fake lovers
under blankets of satisfaction, opera masks covering our faces
as we share warm embraces like that of a daughter and her mother.
we seek light in the darkness of japanese lamentations
while neptune's recovery leaves us knee-deep in great sensations.

we were young lights in the universe when we first collided,
but now we are celestial atoms that can't be divided.
a poem for twelve caesuras.
mahal kita.
you say that it never rains,
but when it does, it pours.
you say you're too far from the drain,
so you let it flood and drown you
until you cannot breathe anymore.

but i am here to remind you
that you know how to swim;
it's only just a matter
of the way you use your limbs.
you can flail them around
in hopes that someone will save you,
or you can tread the water,
get yourself off the ground,
and come to your own rescue.

and though you claim
that the monsters left you broken,
i'm telling you not to be intimidated
because whatever you saw in the ocean
are monsters you created.

you have the power to part the sea,
but for now we'll build a boat and work towards recovery.
i promise you, it's a guarantee,
that someday you and i will be free.
i haven't smiled in days
and i feel my teeth starting to rot
from the cyanide
seeping through my gums.
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