this is where I am
I plant a flag upon myself
I lay claim
to me.

I know my face
I know my voice
I know the feeling
of my own skin

I have comfort
in the silence.
My spaces
are familiar.

I have found
that elusive thing.
The one that calms a heart.


It's called acceptance
It's called respect

And I cried many bitter tears
Ad my hands tore at my hair
And my grief tore at my heart
for the loss of a dream.

But the dream is over.
I was blind for wanting it.

I am calm.
Mostly.
Now that I know.
I hate you more than I hate myself.

his eyes were fixed upon nothing,
his breath caught in his chest.
a constricting weight,
descended upon his heart.

no longer,
was he her hero.
no longer,
would he hold her,
listen to her sleep.

he bit his lip,
to keep it for trembling,
but alas,
a tear slipped from his lashes,
and got lost in his stubble.

he meant to draw a breath,
to speak his pain,
but a sob wracked his throat.

he gripped the table edge,
his knucles straining with the force.

he steeled himself,
he needed to say something.

'you will never find another love like mine'
he choked.

he watched her berry lips part in response
'thank goodness'.

i know what i am,
to you.
an embarrasment,
don't let the ladies from the church,
hear that i dont believe in god.
you have dragged me,
to shrinks,
to priests,
convinced i am of the devil,
convinced i was molested.
convinced that there is something to be fixed.

all the while,
i had known,
that my disease was not of the mind.
i was not diseased at all!

i was wearing black,
because i liked it.
i loved a woman,
because she made me happy.
i have ink on my skin,
because its beautifull.
i have steel in my flesh,
because it appeals to me.
i am an atheist,
because it makes sense.

but lo!
shield your gaze from me.
cover your children's ears.
suspect that they are gay,
while you are at it,
it rubs off you know.

push your head into that hole,
stick your fingers in your ears,
and sing a ditty to drown me out.

cut me off.
frankly, i dont care.
i am done explaining.
no longer,
can i fake a placid demeanor,
around the dinner table,
to encourage your beliefs.

i know you think,
its all attention seeking.

equipped with this,
my mother,
my sister,
i will not squirm under your gaze any more.
i cannot conform,
to your ideas,
of a daughter,
of a sister,
of a wife,
of a woman.

i fly proudly in the face of your disaproval,
because i know,
every step i take towards your shackles,
is a step away from my destiny.

numb
i live here
a hidey-hole
all my own.
i pull out the blankets
over my scars.
immerse my mind
in fake realities.
saturate my pain
in vicarious compassion.
pull the curtains,
so i cannot see.
the jagged holes you ripped from me.

on my island
he looks into my eyes
and tells me he loves me.
on my island
he makes love to me
and its not just ***
on my island
he dreams of me in white
and calling me wife
on my island
he wonders how he can make me happy
beyond dinner or lunch
on my island
he is proud of me
as his partner, not his friend
on my island
his parents like me
and even know my name
on my island
he looks at houses as he drives by
and imagines us living there
on my island
there are no maybes

but there is no island
there is no dream
there is no feeling other than this

how do arrange this
so my heart understands

Reaching up
It clawed into my skin
Scrambling it’s way up into my mind
It scars my bones
It soils my blood
Carrying the reek of decay

I haven’t seen you in awhile,
Dark friend,
I thought I’d lost you along the way…
But lurking, waiting,
You slipped my defenses.

How long this time?
Till I escape your fetid breath,
Warm and moist in my neck.
How long till I let go,
And give in to your corrupt seduction?

he truth about divorce:
it's not glamorous
it's not uplifting or enabling
it's not fair
it's not pretty
it's not enlightening
it's not comforting
it's not romantic

it's ugly
it's painfull
it's destructive
it's morally debilitating
it's lonely
it's dream destroying
it's mascochistic

the hands that carried you to the altar,
turns into pointing fingers of accusations.

the promises you made,
turns into regrets.

the rings that bound your love,
becomes shackles of hate.

there is nothing about divorce that makes me feel any better.

you take the the money i sweat blood for
pry the coins from my starved fingers
shake my pleas from your pant-leg
as you walk away flipping the papers.

i talk endlessly to paralysed specialists
i type to infinity about the injustice of it
i threaten and shout
i worry and budget even tighter

i am the nothingness
greasing the cogs of your profit
with the blood of my suffering
my bones the pillars of your success.

*******
MTN
I will chain my body
to the doors of your evil abode
and not move untill i am appeased!!

(2001)

inbetween the mirrors of reality,
my sanity slips beyond my reach,
and I fall -
tumble headlong into theories of death,
unexpected glimpses of mortality.
and I saw -
my existance as a spidersweb,
people clinging like morningdew.
And I know -
if not today then tomorrow
and tomorrow and tomorrow.
I will be omnipotent
I will travel in light
I will knw God
and I will revel in the knowledge of forever.

I REMEMBER NOW, AS I DO EVERY DAY
HOW YOU SMILE
AND LAUGH SO EASILY
YOUR EYES,
NEVER THE SAME COLOUR.
SKIN, SOF AND WARM,
AMPLE TO THE TOUCH.
I LOVE YOUR VOLUPTIOUSNESS.

SUDUCTIVE WITHOUT TRYING.
**** WITHOUT KNOWING.
THE SMELL OF YOU –
*** AND CIGARETTES.
I LONG FOR IT ON MY PILLOWS.

YOUR SHYNESS MAKES ME WANT YOU MORE.
YOUR HIDDEN FRAGILENESS.
I WAN TO PROTECT YOU.
THE BIGGEST OF HEARTS,
SOMETIMES TO YOUR OWN DETRIMENT.

MY ANCHOR
MY SAVIOUR
MY ACCOMPLICE
YOU BREAK MY HEART SO EASILY
AND MEND IT WITH LESS THAN THAT
I WILL REMEMBER YOU FOREVER.
YOU HAVE CHANGED MY WORLD.
YOU ARE MY WORLD

i cringe from the memories you left
the things you made me see
a tiny body
an innocent
you sought to destroy
to break me
to reign me in

i had failed to protect them
from your malice
i had failed to protect myself
from your hatred

my children
forgive me
my daughter
i tried to stop him

my soul
i'm sorry
for bending you
beyond breaking

i will confront him
i will stand in front of judge and jury
and his golden face
will make me a lair
but i know
that in my home
you live like kings
and you fear nothing

no more
will i lie awake,
and wonder if i will live through the night
never again
will i sell my heart so cheap

and as alone i may be
a cold bed
or worth more
than warm grave

i would like to break you
i would like to press upon your throat
untill my knuckles come undone
i would like drag my nails over your face
and destroy what you are in love with
i would like to kick you in the mouth
and make ****** your arrognant smile
i would like to spit in your face
and laugh as you drown in helpless fury
i would like to destroy your holy body
so you can no longer be admired for it
i would like to run you over
when you parade in your gay little shorts
i would like to drown your face
in a bucket of your own *****
i would like to humiliate you
and show everyone who you really are
i would like to tell your boss
how you steal his money
i would like to make you poor
and see you begging at the street corner
i would like to punch you in the gut,
and tell you to go **** yourself

you are nothing
you are a fake
you are impotent
you are a narcissist
you are too stupid to see it

the only way you will ever be happy
is if your mirror had a ******

but no matter what ill i wish you
kharma will ******* in the ***
and i will deem my lessons well learned
while you adore yourself

my apparent joy at being with you
is dragged under by my questions.
their significance
their insistance
i know
are taboo.

dare i ask
what now?

what am i to you
other than a friend
with benefits.

you lavish upon me
love in front of friends
and yet you said
you said....

i want to say,
those words.
i bite my tongue often.
******,
it should be easy.

will you ever speak the words i want to hear?
can i push at this bubble,
and it not burst the serenity we created?

i cannot look at you,
too hard.
i dont want to fall,
too hard.

your honesty is brutal.

you set the president
if i dont like it,
i can leave.
or so it feels.

can i be honest?
for just one second.

i love you.

i feel like something is lost
something that has no name
no colour
no smell

i was shown my face today
i had to hear
what you did to me

i had carried myself
without crutches or aids
i had trodden quietly
where i could

i feel an immense loss
for the innocence you *****
the love you choked
the gifts you broke

if this is what i escaped,
why do i feel like grief?

i am cold
here
now
i dont want to remember
what you did
but i cant escape it either

the bloodlust in your eyes
the ****** in your hands
the physcial hurt
you bestowed upon me

i trusted you
with my life
and you throttled it
untill it died

i am stronger than then
i hope i am stronger than then
i think i am stronger than then
please, god, let me be stronger than then

why do i feel like something has died?
when i have won by leaving your abuse?

maybe,
the death of my self-image
the mask i thought had worked

they saw through it all
and they knew
that you were drowning me

and now they see
how i am shining
away from your shadow

maybe, now
i can have my watershed

home
a place you know
where your face reflects in the sky.
your head rests within the walls,
your dreams sleep in the ceiling.

the sounds are familiar voices,
your fingers know the notches in the wall.
the mark on the floor,
the scratch in the bath.

the leaves in the garden are named,
the pebbles greet you home.
the acorns roll under my shoes,
the leaves crackle a song.

and you,
arrive like a darkness,
and the garden shy away from you.
and the birds grow quiet.
a coldness settles in my stomach.
i can see by your face,
you are looking for a reason.
to shift the blame.
to make me cry.
to trample me further into the dirt.

and all i wanted,
was a gentle touch.
i wanted to hear,
it will be ok.
not its my fault.
not i dont care.


i can see you dont hear me.
and i can feel my desperation boil over.
and i say things,
and you are justified.

so you throw me away.
run desperately for your freedom.
spend our living on drink and song.
and return with a triumphant swagger.

because you know i have nowhere to go.
that you hold the strings,
to my existance.
you wont even let me die.

so you take away my home,
the place i know.
you take away the scratches and marks,
you take away my garden,
you take away my dreams,
the pry my heart from the soil.

and you feel justified,
and gorged in your revenge.

i say nothing.
cause i know its safe.
i do nothing,
cause i know its better.

you poke and urge,
pulling at the thread you spy.
and when i unravel,
you are angered by the mess.

i cower,
because i know.
i expect what im used to.
i strike out,
its in my nature.
eyes wide with what ive done.

a silence is what i allways return to.
a void left by my voice.
my words.
my honesty.

i cannot play the game,
i dont know how.
i speak my own language,
and i know,
you hate its sound.

so now.
can i expect grace?
understanding
compassion.

compassion.....?

do i start the old ritual,
of collecting memories.
in anger
in rejection
in knowing
that i wasnt enough.

deposit them at your door,
and hope for a smile.

HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT ME,
AND BELIEVE THAT I CAN LOVE YOU?

I HAVE TOLD YOU MY BITTER HATES.
MY HEAVY BURDENS WILL DRAG YOU DOWN.

BE CAREFUL, GOOD HEART,
I MIGHT TREAD ON YOUR SOUL,
AND CRUSH YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS.
I DON’T INTEND YOU ANY HARM,
I INTEND TO LOVE YOU TOO MUCH,
AND I KNOW MY HEART WILL BREAK.

BECAUSE I’M INSECURE
BECAUSE I’M NEEDY
BECAUSE I’M LONELY
BECAUSE I HAVE ABANDONEMENT ISSUES
BECAUSE I’VE FALLEN FOR YOU
BECAUSE I KNOW I SHOULDN’T
BECAUSE I NEED YOU
BECAUSE I KNOW I’M BENT
BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO DO TO YOU,
WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO ME…

i am an african
my blood is thick with it
the soil smells of home
the sky is my colour

i am an african
my dna defies skin
the grasses sing my voice
the trees  invite me underneath

i am an african
my heart beats the rhythmn
the summer's heat
the winter's bite

come to our shores!
taste our passion
hear our drums

let our endless sky carry you away

let our green savannah steal your soul

let our smiles warm your heart

this is what i wake up to,
every day.

and you will never truly live,
untill you smell the afternoon rain,
and sleep with a thunder-lullaby

i am an african
i dare you to prove otherwise.

in an absence of answers,
i trail my fingers throught the waters,
and seek the shore for a face i know.
trying hard not to see,
the dark below.

anguish grips my chest,
the cold waters call my name.
my face mirrored in its placidness,
a glint off dark skin,
adds a sparkle to my eye.

balancing,
my foot breaks the sheen of lake.
tendrils creep up my toes,
i slip under without a sound.

will they find my bones under here?
my life's work encased in calcium.
mud will settle on my absent tongue.
my voice will be waves,
lapping at your feet,
when maybe, one day,
you remember my name.

In my defence
I dared to dream
About places i had yet to see
And who would be at my side.

In my defence
I had offered you my heart
And was looking in your eyes
For an answer

In my defence
I had dared to hope
For a future i never imagined
And started to believe

In my defence
I had loved you too much
And myself not enough
And i got lost along the way

In my defence
I had wanted to be swept away
But was left to fend for myself
Among the wolves and snakes

In my defence
I had expected you to be
A saviour against myself
But you were my tormentor.

In my defence
I was seeking shelter
Against my own voice
But encountered the storm of yours.

In my defence
I am now fighting
Not against you anymore
But against the pain you left behind.

see me
I am here.

clear the cobwebs of her,
and step from beyond your pain.

i am holding my hand,
take it.
hear me when i say,
that i care.

i cant,
be her.
i cant,
smell like her.
i cant,
smile like her.

but i can,
not crush your heart.
not leave you broken.
not abuse your soul.

see me,
i am here.

i offer a gentle fall,
a haven to heal your wounds.

(haven't i been here before?)

how long can i be satisfied,
to receive the scraps from her feast.

I SEE YOU, AS NEVER BEFORE
I FEEL YOU, AS NEVER BEFORE.
LET EVERY NIGHT BE AS THE LAST
LET MY EYES NEVER STRAY FROM YOURS
I WOULD GLADLY DISSOLVE,
IF MY HANDS WERE TO MELT INTO YOURS,
AND BE COMPLETE IN YOU.
NO CARNAL NATURE CAN EVER BIND,
NO INTIMATE MOMENT EVER COMPARE,
THE SOFTNESS OF YOUR SKIN,
THE SMELL OF YOUR HAIR.
WHEN THE DARKNESS BECOMES OUR BLANKET,
AND I GET TO SAMPLE YOUR SECRETS…
NEVER HAVE I LOVED YOU MORE.
NEVER HAVE I WANTED YOU MORE.
SO THIS I ASK:
MAY I DROWN IN YOUR DESIRE?

(circa 2004)

I had held in my hands,
The bitter shards of my heart.
I had thrown them away,
To be forgotten in the dust.

I had cried for an answer,
A solution
A plan
A direction
A reason why I failed.
I had seen no road other than alone.

In my self-hate,
I had lashed myself,
For my ignorance and naievety.
For being a fool in love.

And then,
I found a light space in my soul,
I glimmer of warmth.
A handhold out of the dark.

I found a comfort in your smile,
A place where I fit in your hand.
A safety in your arms.

I want to say to you,
That you had brought into my life,
Something I had thought was lost
And I was never to find again.

I have peace,
That I am safe with you.
That I can trust your smile.
That I can believe your words.
That your hands are for care,
Not pain.

Thankyou,
For being in my life.
You make me happy.

there's something dead,
under my bed.
it's two am.
it could be a rat,
a bat or a bird.
or possibly all three.

there's something dead,
under my bed.
and its starting to smell.
i cant get to sleep,
so up i get,
and get ready for war.

there's something dead,
under my bed.
and as i suspected.
a head, a foot,
a dried up *****,
what's left of a little snack.

there's something dead,
under my bed.
there is a graveyard,
of critter corpses,
of feather and fur,
collecting in the bin.

there's something dead,
under my bed.
i dont even need to look.
the deep red drops,
on the floor,
lead directy to ****** scene.

YOU DON'T NEED HIM
YOU ARE COMPLETE IN YOURSELF
YOUR LIFE IS SUFFICIENT
HE WILL NEVER APPRECEATE YOU
THE WAY YOU DESERVE
HIS ISSUES ARE NOT YOUR FAULT
YOU DID YOUR BEST

I long for something
that was never mine.
Tha I had one of my own,
long ago.
And grieved for when I was young,
but pushed away when I was grown.

I long for something,
that had failed me,
took me for a fool,
a clown for my own entertainment.
I long for a word,
a kindness,
a hand extended,
a glance that would notice,
when I looked pretty.

I long for the warm *****,
of a womanly form,
a fragrance I recognise,
of a wrinkled face with a smile.

I* gave away the womb that bore me.
I lost the one I didn't.
The only voice who told I was beautifull,
is now forever stilled.

i want to trace my cold leather along your skin
i want to see you flinch in anticipation
i want to see your manhood hard for me
i want to forge your pain
i want to meld your pleasure
i want to control your release
it will be of my choosing

i want to grab your silky hair
and hear you moan
i want to taste your neck
and want to bite your ******
i want to make you cry out
and see you shiver

i want to take you to the edge
and back down again
i want to hold you
while you ride the waves

i want to hear you say
mistress, i am yours.

Dear God
I know you are a crutch,
created by a scared species,
to make the dark nights warmer.

I know that millions of lives are spent,
in your name,
and of those other pray to.

I know people flock to buildings,
bruise their knees in abeisiance,
hoping for eternal life.

I know that millions fight for you,
thousands speak for you,
and none ever see you.

I know that the universe is vast,
complex and unknown,
but not created by you.

And yet,
it would be easy,
if I could clasp my hands together,
murmur words of needs longed for,
and recieve a miracle at my door.

Dear God,
If you had indeed been real:
Then the slavery of religion would disgust you,
your followers' grovelling would embarrass.
Teh demise of your word created,
would fire you into action.
To save us.
To guide us.
To teach us how to live.

In the absence of an allmighty,
all I see is a sentient species:
violent
greedy
hatefull
Bent of self-destruction.

There is no Divine in the **** of the infant girl.

perhaps and maybe
in another time and place
i could have entered into forever with you.
it was a short bliss,
a melding of minds.

but the tides were not in our favour,
our ships drifted apart.
and i watched from the shore,
as you crashed upon the rocks.

and now you flounder,
drawing breath and drowing,
in turn.
and i wonder if i could save you.

and i have so many words i want to tell you,
i have so many fixes i could give you.
i see that you can be so magnificent,
if not at the mercy of the sirens.

i can no longer be your oarsman,
i can no longer mend your sails.
i am sailing another current.

but i want to help you chart your course,
i want to show you the stars to follow.

you are lost,
and the only captain that can mend you,
is living in your mirror.

i used to give you sunflowers
i used to gather them
hunt the side of the road
for their smiling faces in the grass

i used to stop in the traffic
wade through wet foilage
muddy water
to reach them all

i used to think
that this love
i used to think
i am unique

i am uniquely naive
i am specially ignorant

now the sunflowers will die in the grass
everyone will pass them by
and i avert my eyes
because it's another thing thing you ruined

my confession
ricochets off your heart.
the echos of my voice,
left hanging in the branches.

why cant i be what you are looking for?

so many pieces fit,
the missing one allways matters.

quietly you had stolen upon my senses,
and had grown a sun unto my heart.

the adolescent yearning i feel,
when i try to forget you.
is fleetingly filled by another,
but he doesnt smell like you.

i will lay myself down, gently,
within his foreign arms.
and pretend,
that he needs me like you.

run little bunny,
run.
you have been grasing in these pastures too long.

hide in plain sight,
like you allways do.

stop running the headlights,
i wont dodge you for long.

dont pull those limpid eyes,
and tilt your head sideways.
those vices dont melt me anymore.

you had the benefit of a lush meadow,
a soft warren for you weary body.

but you werent going to be tamed.
you flick your tail in rebellion.
you kick up your feet in disdain.
you eat the good fruits first.

so now,
little bunny,
shoo along.
a little quicker please.
dont hunker down,
and imagine i dont see you.
dont give me that petrified gaze,
and the quivering ears.

you came in throught the fence,
you will leave through the gate.

are you still here?

why yes,
i am loading my gun.

not a very smart bunny.

am i so wrong
to want to hear
that i am missed
loved,
treasured,
longed for.

am i so wrong
to want to feel special
beautifull
adored
secure in you.

i dont know
from one day to the next
what you feel for me.
if anything at all.

you cant say you love me
you cant say you miss me
you cant say
how i make you feel.

this whole facade
is but pretty lilies on the water
with nothing underneath

dont i deserve
to hear what i am to you.
how you feel when im not around

i know i am insecure
but you are not helping.

we share this space
we share this union
but i cannot be further away from you.
your faults make me cringe
your dependancy on praise exhausts me.
the narcissist is in you
feeds the bitterness in me.

i had hoped that you would come to take me away
and now i am sailing this boat alone.
i hate it when people ask
how i am.
cause i cant tell them,
the infinity of depair
you bring upon me.

they all bask in your glorious smile,
and your casual demeanor.
but they never see
the insecurity
the neediness
the demands
the dissapointments
the sulking
the depression
the anger
the violence
the fear i feel around you.

so i fight against a ghost,
lash out at the wind.
and i grow ever more lonely.
cause you are too stuck in your own pain,
to see me slipping away.

the african sky,
red and amber,
and sickly sweet,
send off the day,
in a inferno of sun and cloud.

the oranges and maroons,
caress my eyes,
and lull my mind
into a serene meditation.

and then i think of you,
and i remember how many times,
the fading light of day,
was something we shared.

and now,
the colours drain away,
and the cold crawls up my calves,
and the memories a bitter pill.

you stole this from me,
a love i had of a beatifull dusk.
a gift from the sky,
to envelop my senses.

you plundered something so sacred,
and engraved your name upon it.
so that i can only see you,
when the day draws closed.

you give and take,
you are a frantic tide.
a dark vacuum,
devouring my light.

and i let you.

(2003)

this confusion is
crippling my mind
is
ever so slightly, breaking my heart
is
making me emotional and
making me want to cry
all the time
so I
grip unto my sanity
letting go of my security
so I
doubt my responseability
want to disown my accountability
and then
love her more than I can stand
miss her more than I can take
want to
never leave her
never wake alone
and
lavish upon her
love and care
but also
I dont want to leave my home
the friends I've know
my private sanctuary
my walled castle keep
I need to
see
I need to weep
for
my friends
my home
my love
my life
lost and forgotten
- maybe -
or just a new beginning,
and then
tomorrow and tomorrow,
and then
I'll know.

NEW AGAIN
AGAIN I AM LONGING.
FOR AGAINS ARE REPETITIVE.
IT SEEMS I NEED TO HURT.
I NEED TO OVERCOMPENSATE.

BUT I AM BROKEN FROM BEFORES.
SHOULD I AGAIN, AGAIN?

QUICKSILVER THOUGHTS,
RUNNING MADLY,
DEADLY IF CONSUMED.
AND I AM CONSUMED AGAIN.
THE INNOCENCE OF EYES,
MY OWN FAILURES REFLECTED BACK.

I AM MOTHER, DAUGHTER.
EX-LOVER, EX-FIANCE… EX HUMAN?

I AM TEARING AT MY SOULSKIN,
A WEREWULF AT FULL MOON.
MY INNER BEING IS SUFFOCATING.
IT’S TOO EASY TO BE HAPPY.
HARD IS GOOD.
I MUST BE GOOD.
A GOOD LITTLE PUPPY.
A BAD LITTLE PUPPY.
WILL I BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS ME?

a vertigo
a looming abyss
a lurching in my stomach
it grips my heart,
i catches my breath.

i had stood at the edge of the world with you.
i had viewed all of forever
i had walked the winding path
i had breathed the silence.

and yet even that event,
had been marred by your disease.

now i stand at the edge,
at the end of our world.
this is not what i wanted.
this is not the path i had sought.

but i will step over the edge,
and hope that a blonde eagle will catch me,
or at least break my fall,
and carry me to destiny.

there you are.
behind the shoulders and smiles
of everybody else.
i thought i was standing beside you.

i try and catch your eye,
i reach between the shoving arms,
momentarily, i touch your sleeve,
but then you are too far away.

i politely try and make my way,
i gently push at the wall of bodies.
some give way,
most crowd me out.

i can hear your voice,
i can see a glimse of your hair,
i try and see a way through,
to where you live.

i call for you.
and you say:
'but i'm right here?'

i push harder,
i shove at the shoulders,
the elbows, the backs.
i tear at the silks.

you frown at my urgency.
you anger at my irrationality.
you don't understand,
that i cannot reach you.

the ghosts press closer to you
they leer at me
they mock my futility
they know what i don't.

you cannot see,
the spaces that's there.
you cannot see the need,
to tell me what you feel.

i think i'm tired,
of pushing against the ghosts.
of fighting,
against what  you can't see.

then maybe,
i must just let the crowd carry you away.

how do i not read
lies in your words
when you contradict yourself
and leaves me wondering

how do i not see
manipulations in your actions
when they seem so carefully planned
and leaves me unsure

how do i not grow cold
when your words and actions
are as night and day
leaving me insecure

maybe that kindly face
hides a malicious creature
having had years to perfect
an art i have yet to discover

your arms say
i love you
your words say
i dont care

do actions speak louder than words
or is this a game that has no name?

he was a smile in the crowd
inbetween the pale faces and angry hair.
ushering me between the antiques.
he swept me through drumming beats.
he kept by my side.
he laughed with me.
he shared my humour.

why is it,
that this stranger,
could see that I am worth spending time with.

how is it,
that he could take the time,
to show me something new.

and yet,
the man i a married,
the man who i share a life with,
tells me that i am not likeable.
tells me i have an attitude.
tells me i dont care.
tells me i am an embarassment.

could i be such a dismal spot of filth?
that i can be of such little worth to the world.

through technology,
i can see his face.
and his smile,
makes me want to go to him.
i feel a need to be enveloped by arms.
arms that doesnt judge, or expect, or remember.

i want to speak my heart,
and not be admonished for it.
i want to share my dreams,
and not have them trampled.

the light i once thought was my soul,
has been kicked under dust,
because it was deemed too bright.
and now i watch the world go by.

I dared to tread upon the fresh snow,
to imprint my stain upon its calm.
i dared to make my mark upon it,
and i ruined the beauty that was created.

with much toil the blanket had been lain,
to cover carefully the raggedness below.
the broken flowers my hands had torn,
the blackened earth i left behind.

i made myself open to you,
somehow,
my dreams were different than this.
it was supposed to be easy.

why is it,
that i choose my demise without care?

what does friend mean?
what does it mean that you care?

a plethora of scenarios meet my heart.
in none of them i show.

so is this it?
friends.

i will spend time mopping up the spill of my tears.
another door slammed in my face.

i cant see.
can you?
no, i cant see you.
can you see me?

i can clean my glasses,
i can wipe my eyes,
remove the grit from them.
images do not make sense.

wait,
i see a light.
i hear,
your voice, i think.
never realised how good it sounds.

i shouldnt have looked so closely.
the colour of your beard.
the texture of your hair.
the curve of your shoulders,
when you bend over me.
i shouldnt have recognised your smell.
i shouldnt have tangled my fingers in yours.

reset.

a little clearer now.
maybe.
the static will clear in time.

solder closed those circuits.
make a continious loop.
i will be self-contained.
unplug me for now.
i dont know how to.

(2013)

my body is small
my ******* are unimpressive
my hair is without luster
my hips are not seductive
my eyes are not deep pools of mystery
my skin is flawed
my mind is addled
my voice is not lyrical
my walk is without grace
my words are not eloquent
my feet are scarred
my knees are bony
my piercings are skew
my nails varnish is chipped
my teeth are yellow
my nose is big
my wardrobe is uninspired
my job is meaningless
my libido is low

yet,
i love you more than i have words to declare.
is that not enough?

i wrote you poetry
i applied my soul to your heart
i gave my body for you to bend
i gave you my left hand

if i never see you again
it will be too soon

if i forget your name
it will be memory well wasted

if i learnt my lessons well
it will be tears well shed

the brevity of you presence
is a speck in my life
and cannot undo
the luminesce of my colours

you will not be missed