i was rummaging through the sock drawer,
i found the candle
that i burned during that winter i lost you
it was too hard to handle.

you left me,
and the smell brought it all back:
the loneliness,
the blood, the anxiety attacks.

i hated that winter,
your absence was so loud.
i was a zombie in my own chains,
you were my black cloud.

i needed you so bad,
i know that's a horribly cliché thing to say,
but i couldn't sleep, eat, smile or laugh
i needed you those days.

i was a hollow shell
of someone i never knew.
i thought it'd maybe make me stronger,
i barely made it through.

the silence and confusion
rang in my ears.
the pain is so real
it won't disappear.

merry Christmas,
i wish you were here,
i hope you're having a great time
i am drowning in my fear.

that Christmas was the coldest one
that i have ever known,
i never thought i could get that bad,
why'd you leave me on my own?

i denied it all,
tried to hide the pain
but it crept around corners,
slipped into my veins.

the days faded into nights,
the nights into days,
i never left my bed,
i was a slave to your dark and estranged haze.

my only friends were the figures
that danced across my bedroom walls.
the flame would flicker and shake,
i watched the shadows rise and fall.

the sadness smells like linen and ocean waves
i will throw that candle away,
one day
one day.

i have moved on now,
moved on with deep tissue scars.
it's not fair to him
i'm still behind your prison bars.

i have moved on now,
nightmares and anxiety attacks
are horrible souvenirs,
maybe i'll get over this soon, hopefully this year.

i lie when i say
"i breakdown for no reason",
i'm broken because i am remembering that
heartbreak season.