(maybe this time it will feel different, different)
(maybe this time it will go different, different)
my last few rounds//i've come back out
more worse for wear than before i began
(maybe this time i will feel different, cherished)
(maybe this time i won't feel like such an object)
i know that you said//what you liked in bed
and what you spoke as their hands caressed
sounds of your voice crying and moaning
whispering all those little things to me
"you're so beautiful. you're so ****
"you are exactly the kind that i need
"you're so pretty. i love your shape
"and how warm you feel underneath me
"you are so perfect. you're desirable
"i love every thing about'cha
"you feel so good. you turn me on
"your skin is so soft and inside is so warm
i can't think//with all these things
filling up the space in my head
(maybe this time i will feel different, different)
(maybe this time it will go different, different)
i wasn't ready for being intimate
i can tell the way i still think about it
mess up her skin, her muscle, her bone
make her every part undesirable
twist and rend and crush and scratch
until she's not worth looking at
she let it happen then, so now i decay
thinking all of this every single day
i hate her i hate her god i hate her so much
cut her out of me until the face in the mirror is mine
and not hers
i hate how she sounds, how she looks, how she feels
her flesh is mine and it will be hell
dont look please dont look no touching or grabbing
dont hold or squeeze or bite or hug
i hate the curves
i hate your words
i hate everything that makes this life hers
cut her and cut her and tear all of the skin
so it heals and its ugly and not worth such sin
keep your lust for her, hold it, *******
dont ask for pictures or phonecalls or words
nothing to do with those who had her
she's a body. a nice one. what a horrible thing
i hate her i hate her i wish she hadn't been so weak
every thought is so hard to have im sorry i even feel this way and it was never your fault. never your bad. i let it happen to her. she let it happen, even through the shudders and whimpers and cringing away, she let it happen. weak. weak and small and easy to overpower. easy to pull out from her hiding place. easy to coax out from behind that locked door.
she's easy, too easy. too wanting, too...
needy.
doesn't want to feel like a thing. like your thing.
like a body to boast of
stop reachingg
stop lookig
stop seing
stop feeling
aroused
stop it stop it stop it stop it stop
no more
she's a body
her body
her *******, her thighs, her face and freckles
her hair
her voice
god, her voice
delicate
feminine
sweet, pleasant
sing ourself hoarse and only then are we content
lower in pitch
scratches the throat
an ugly noise something masculine from a feminine source
abominate
you're all straight
you wouldn't love the same if i were to change
(well within your right)
im not worth the time unless as her
her body
her words
her tone
all her
i almost want to be a man, i want to see
how many will leave
i read about love for a soul no matter what form
its a lie its a lie its a lie no one is like that
at least not for me
only just when it's for her
as long as she's stagnant
so you can touch and hold and grab and use and cherish
her body her everything its all her its always her it will never quite be
me
i dont want to **** her, or maybe im scared to really hurt the one thing that every lover has ever loved of me
it's not bad that they don't want a man, or a thing, or an it
no surgery scars or anything else
they can like what they like
i just take it personally
its her soft heart, and skin, and soul
everything will be her always always always always
daughter girl woman lady princess female always her
touch and grab and hold
maybe this time it'll feel different
and that i wont feel like all i am is her
all that's worth it is her
groom and touch up her body because, because they don't like how it is
can't stand to cut all the hair can't stand to see myself especially down where it all is
i hate it i hate her
she's everything
we're in pieces
i know you're different, at least a little
this time will be -
you met me with my words first
my creations
my mind
my humor
"what's your favorite constellation? i like orion"
you knew all of that before you knew her face
you knew me, you know me at least a little
heard me speak with her voice, always just a bit wrong but never too wrong, right? never actually bad enough to change
heard us for the first time and told us
she read it and she was!
i read it and i was so... happy. for her. by her
with her.
she's extra and excited and needy now
i allow just a bit more than before i knew you were in l..e, too
maybe i overreact, she. us. we.
it overreacts a lot. (s)he does. overthink
this is the only way i could get it out fully
out of my head and her head
such ugliness, such rawness and softness and fear
(i hate it so much)
it's ugly. it's true, at least a little
the song i make will be prettier
you'll hear it soon
i l..e you
im scared

I haven’t even loved anyone since you
I used others to try and feel better
Maybe if I try I will love them
And I never truly did, I think
(I don’t even know anymore)
I’m cruel and heartless, truly
using others to try and pull away from you
so just try and forget it.
you know you can’t.
You were even aesthetically pleasing when paired with me
first in many things, you and yours were my people
i can’t believe i still write about you
think about you
care about you
Love you
are you like a brother? or are you like a lover?
either way, you were the closest to me
Even today I’m still trying to pick the bits of you out of the most of me
where does your influence end and my life begin?
I can’t let myself date someone else until i feel a love for them, a real kind of love
(like the one i feel for you)
I’m still waiting to feel
using others to try and fill in the gaps doesn’t work, but for some reason i still want to do it

ashes are the softest thing i ever walked through
softer than clouds
softer than rabbit fur
softer than Remi fur
white ashes are dead, black ashes can still burn
watching their skeletons appear as the carbon is all burned up
leave it for a day and check tomorrow
walk barefoot through the dry ashes
burn your foot on buried charcoal
still smoldering
I want to burn you out of my head until it’s all pale and dead forever
only then can I walk amongst your memories contentedly
There’s nothing left to hurt me anymore

no tomorrow. bad tomorrow- hate tomorrow.
tomorrow bad. tonight good. good you.

(in bluntest terms I can describe-  
with that little voice I always hide-
my day, my life, my train of thought,
lain out before you.)

the feeling of
Needing to be accepted is so
common; universal.
I am not special.
pleaselikemepleaselikemepleaselikeme
your Eyes judge me; My Soul is bared to you.
iAmSoftAndiAmDisgusting
I do not plead; I only suffer. spare no mercy.
I wonder many things. (when is it "too much"?)
I think on many things. (when is it "not enough"?)
thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthink
and it ***** Me Into The Deep Dark-
...
Oh. A response.
(how silly of me)