things aren’t ever so simple
i admit i was naive to think
i had my life figured out
deep down i wasn’t happy
putting on a fake smile
convincing myself i didn’t crave
more

i’ve never been one to take a leap
jump off the cliff
reach outside my comfort zone
i lost a lot in my life
that i didn’t plan on losing
i held on so tightly
to what i had left
the familiar
the comfortable

until i let myself
let it all go

here i am starting over
with nothing left to lose
nothing left
holding me back

in the destruction of it all
i’m finally learning
to see myself
to understand myself
maybe i’m not who i thought i was
maybe i’m so much more
maybe i’m fluid
maybe i’m ever-changing
maybe i’m finally learning to be
who i was meant
to be

and that’s all that matters
in the end

sometimes i wonder
how my life would have turned out
if i had looked the other way,
chose a different school,
a different city,
introduced myself to the person
staring across the room

maybe i would be this
entirely different person
with a cooler haircut
and more friends
who always knew what she wanted
and wasn’t afraid to do
whatever it took to get it

she would be the life of the party
with the brightest smile
and most contagious laugh
the one everyone felt drawn to
as soon as she walked into the room
she would be confident
and unapologetic

i wonder if she would have liked me
if we would be friends
i wonder if there’s a part of her in me
deep down
just waiting to come out
and prove me wrong
if i gave her the chance

we walk around with
heavy loads on our backs
and weights in our hearts
threatening our collapse
at any moment

it wasn't always like this
at one point in time
we were free, we were pure
navigating the world
through rose-tinted glasses

somewhere along the way
we stumbled upon someone
or something
that cracked our spirit
and left us with scars

the scars never left
no amount of time
was enough to heal
and in the end
we can either let them
make us scared and angry
at the world, at life
unwilling to try again

or we can persist
though the pain
if we fall we can get back up
we can learn to bloom
in the midst of struggle
we can learn how to live
with the traumas
we can learn
how to be
invincible

I’ve lived my life
believing that I could fix anything
and more importantly,
anyone
My life has been surrounded
with troubled people
with troubling situations
and a need for healing
A need for someone like me
who would be there no matter what
holding their hand through the darkness
until they got out
onto the other side

But for some reason,
something broke inside of you
something changed
and I’m slowly realizing
that I cannot fix it
Maybe there’s a difference between
being broken
and being so shattered
that I can’t even recognize you long enough
to understand what went wrong
or how we ended up here
and I’ll be stupid enough to hold on to you
hoping day after day
that I can still fix it
until the shattered pieces of your being
seep into my soul
and slowly shatter me
too

you convinced me
to fall for you
and then you
watched me
hit the ground

How ironic it is
to want something so bad
that the moment you have a chance at it
it suddenly doesn’t mean half as much

It’s as if your purpose
stemmed from your yearning
and all you had to do was have it in reach
for everything to fall in place

So what do you do when
everything is still in pieces
The thing you were dreaming about
ends up different than your fantasies

You end up so focused on the finish line
that you don’t realize
that the path you neglected on the way
might make you happier

Maybe that’s the way we are
Constantly chasing after the next thing
to keep our hearts pumping double speed
Instead of finding the satisfaction
in stability

Or maybe this is me
getting exactly what I asked for
and realizing that I never wanted it
in the first place

Maybe I’m finally realizing
that I’m better off without you
That I can make myself happier
than you ever could
than you ever will

I’ve been holding on
just to see if maybe
you’d pull me out
on the other side
But I’m not strong
and I can’t hold up
my limp body
I can feel my hands
slipping off the edge
I’m falling now
I can feel the pain as
I wait to hit the ground
as I watch the light
turn to darkness
You watch me
You let me

I know that it's hard
You can feel the anger and frustration rising up from your core
unsure of whether it will seep out of your eyes or your lungs
You're not sure how to react
Do you tear down everything in sight
or do you crawl into bed for the rest of the week
letting yourself fall into darkness

The reality is, you'll do both
Some days you'll want to yell at the top of your lungs
You'll want to throw rocks at windows
rip all your pictures and throw them in the fire
And on other days you'll want to be left alone
in the warm comfort of your bed
with a box of tissues and the saddest music you can find

I know you don't understand why it had to be you
Why you had to be the one to feel so broken
Out of all the people in the world
What did you ever do to deserve this
You'll feel tempted to blame yourself
for the hurt caused by someone else

It's not your fault
It's not your responsibility to control their actions
The fact is, you can't change what happened
As much as you want to, you can't turn back time
What's done is done
Now you're left in the rubble
I know that that's not fair
Nothing seems fair enough

Everything will hurt
Getting up in the morning with a fake smile
Watching the people in your life so full of joy
Forcing yourself to do anything but wallow in pity
It's not easy
You need to give yourself more credit
I know that when you say you're doing okay
you probably aren't, and that's okay

It won't be okay for a while
I wish I could tell you it will but that's not true
It will **** today, tomorrow and the next day after that
You'll have happy days, but you won't be happy

You may not believe it or even want to hear this but
at some point, you'll wake up and it'll hurt a little less
At the end of the day, you are the person you're left with
You will learn how to let yourself feel better
because if you don't, who will?
You don't deserve to feel sad forever
You deserve the chance for happiness
You deserve it all

We are the ones who are hard to understand
We'll be the last ones in the movie theatre
because the ending scene made us cry
We'll stop to smell the roses
because they deserve to be appreciated
We are the ones who will take the time
to learn what keeps you up at night
We are the ones who will imagine
an entire future of adventures
with the people who show us love

We are the ones who will love you more
than we love ourselves
We will give you our strongest parts
in hopes that we can make things better
We desire to see you become the best you
to make sure that you always feel our love
We crave affection and appreciation
We give a piece of ourselves away every day
sometimes to people who don't deserve it
Our love is easy to take advantage of
and sometimes we don't get back
the love that we give away

When we hurt, we crumble and fall apart
We constantly have to put ourselves back together
We are more fragile than we like to give off
We carry our emotions on our sleeves
Our flaws have the ability to consume us
We aren't afraid to give you the world
but we are afraid to feel unloved
We want you to see what we see
We want you to understand where we're coming from

We are good people with good intentions
We are stronger than we believe
Not everyone can feel the way we feel
We feel too much, too often
We are not hard to love
We are something not everyone knows how to love
But you need to remember that
your worth does not change just because
no one is there to appreciate you, to remind you

You are not any less lovable
You are the most lovable person in the world
You are a light that the world needs
Your kindness is not your weakness
You do not need to change for anyone's acceptance
You do not need to stop giving love
just because you don't get any back
Your heart is the best thing about you

And one day when you least expect it
someone will notice you from across the room
and know exactly how to love you
They will think all of these things are beautiful
They will deserve the love you can give
They will fill the empty space in your heart
But for now, don't stop feeling
We are the ones who feel everything so deeply
We are the ones who can't give up because
We are the ones who will teach the world
how to love

I’m not sure what I did
to deserve ending up here
I can feel my body
slowly failing me now
With every hour spent in bed
every meal sitting on the table
every new layer of darkness
underneath my eyes
Weighing me down
burying me under the weight
of my reality
You just have to make it
through the day
You just have to dig deep
and find it in yourself
to be strong
Maybe that would be easy
If it was just for one day
My energy isn’t regenerating
fast enough to keep up
with the strength I need
just to get myself up
every morning
I can feel my bones
believing that they’re
not good enough
And I’m not sure what I did
to deserve ending up here
But God, please forgive me

What if I'm unlovable?
Maybe I'm too much to handle
Maybe it's not that easy
to hold my hand
I'm not always positive
and I'm always lazy
I can spend hours doing nothing
I don't always have motivation
I don't take the garbage out on time
Sometimes I forget to turn off the lights
There are a lot of things
that get on my nerves
I can be mean when I'm angry
or hungry
I don't always think straight
when I'm frustrated
It's hard for me to control my tears
when I'm sad
I'll let me alarm ring for half an hour
and I'll stay up till 5am
I'm not the best with making first impressions
My humour is too sarcastic
Sometimes I downplay
how much I love people
I've never really been an affectionate person
yet I expect affection from others
Maybe I'm not lovable
Maybe I'm not enough
Not worth fighting for
It's not worth it to go through high waters
to win my forgiveness
My feelings are too much to take care of
It's easier to let me go
It's easier to turn around and walk away
It's easier not to love me
It's easier to forget me

What do you do
when what you want
Isn't what you deserve
It's like your heart is
clinging on to the edges
of the familiar
while your mind
replays all the times
you were hurt
right in front of your eyes
A constant battle unfolds
right beneath your skin
and you think it'd just be
easier to drown it all out
then to try to decide
which side you'll listen to
How could I ever choose
between sacrificing
my happiness vs.
my self worth
Who really loses
in the end

Why is it that
this present moment
is never enough
Who you are
Where you are
What you have
is never enough

It’s as if every day
we wake up saying
“If I could just be that,
If I could just go there,
If I could just have this,
then I’ll be happy”

Yet this allows us
to sabotage our ability
to feel content
in the present
To look around
and grovel in the beauty
of progress and growth
that gets us through
each passing day

It’s hard to not let the yearning
for an unknown future
overpower the appreciation
for today
But maybe if I open my eyes
a little wider
and open my mind
a little bigger
every day
I won’t always be waiting
to be happy

I'm stuck
in between this middle ground
of happiness and sadness
light and dark
good and bad
no matter which way I turn

With everything in my life
there is both satisfaction
and discontent
Keeping my heart
in a constant state of
restlessness

I find myself
watching the birds in the sky
flying in and out
of places they choose
The moon knowing exactly when
it's time for the sun to rise

And I'm here on the ground
keeping myself up at night
wondering if I'll ever be able to
grasp hope with both hands
instead of just one

There is no else in this world that I wish I had a better relationship with
and I don’t think I will ever get over
how you let things turn out
Finding new ways
to hurt me in the process

When I look back
I realize you decided our fate
when we were just kids
and I didn’t understand then
That you were someone
who allowed yourself to disrespect
the person you were expected to protect

I was never like you
and maybe that threatened you
but I cannot accept that
as a reason to make me feel anxious
to be in my home
scared of what’s to come
into a downward spiral of dysfunction and trauma

Now that I’m not under the same roof
sometimes I find myself
being able to appreciate our time
Try a little harder to connect
But you always find new ways
to sabotage our progress
and burn your bridges one by one

The thing is
you are not someone I can simply cut out
We are bonded by the strongest kind of human connection
We are lumped together in the eyes of family
You will always be a part of me in a way no one else will
and that’s why it hurts so much

I’m tired
and I just want a sister
Who sees me for me
Understands me for me
Respects me for me
and loves me for me

I get it that you love her
maybe I don't understand it
but I just thought that
as you were picking up her pieces
and plastering them onto your heart
that you would've at least
saved a spot for me
like I've always kept for you

I don't ask for the same parts of you
as she does
so tell me,
why is there only room for one?

I used to think that this wasn't you,
it couldn't be
but I guess
we're not always who we think we are

And if you had just tried
to reach a hand out before you left
you'd find another waiting

Know this isn't out of hate
this is coming from the times when you didn't show up
or answer a call
or send a message
this is coming from the times when you broke my heart
while you were trying to save hers

I'm always afraid
of what the unknown
has to offer
I'm scared
to look too far
into the future
I don't know if I'm ready
or if I'll be good enough
I think I've always felt this way
I've gone through life
going through the motions
not stopping to take a step back
and breathe in reality
Does anyone ever have it figured out?
Change pierces my fickle heart
and it collapses under the pressure
I don't know what's next
I barely know right now
So I'll stay here searching
until my fickle heart
finds peace

I'm not sure what's going on
I can feel myself sitting here
but I've lost control of my body
my hands are frozen
I can't move
The feeling radiates to my head
as if my brain is in shock
and I can no longer keep my eyes open
My breathing is much heavier
and much faster
and I can't seem to slow it down
Tears fall from my eyes
and slowly leave me dehydrated
but unable to react
I sit here in my isolation
and for some reason
this feels like the end

What's happening to me?
I ask to the voices in my head
What were they saying again?
There were so many of them
and now my mind is blank

I sit here for a while
my breathing starts to slow
my eyes dry out
my fingers loosen their grip
And I fall asleep
praying
to be fixed

I took swimming lessons as a child
I thought I was preparing myself
for little pools and waterslides
but as I grew up,
I realized I was actually bracing myself
for the ocean in my lungs
the downpour on my heart
the streams in my eyes

The waves of adulthood
hit me so unexpectedly
that they knock me off shore
into the water
where I slowly lose myself

I sink and sink
so deep that I forget how to move my arms
my legs are tied down by its cold touch
I'm drowning
And as the water begins to devour my lungs,
I take one last breathe in defeat
and keep my eyes locked
on the faint light in the sky

Isn't it strange
how everything seems to work out
as if there's some sort of
master plan
for the way your life will unfold
That all your obstacles
are put in your way
for the sole purpose of
leading you down a path
you might've missed
when you were walking too quickly

What decides our future endeavours?
Is it the little voice in our head
telling us the difference between right and wrong
Or is it simply in the universe's hands
out of reach from our unworthy touch

I believe in fate
like I believe in hard work
And change
And progress
And failure
And hope
and maybe that's all I can do;
Believe

I don't want to hear
how nice my hair looks
how pretty my eyes are
or how flattering my top is
Tell me how I made you smile today
How I made you think
How I made you feel
Those are the only words I want to hear
Those are the only words that matter

Here you are again
puffy eyes, dried tears
What was it this time?
You think maybe it's just the usual
maybe you're overreacting
but that doesn't explain
the heaviness in your heart
the exhaustion in your breathe
the feeling of loss
over and over
There's no excuse
for feeling so small
in a place where
there should be magic

Everything seems so dark  
but you have to know
that you are not the rain
nor the thunder
you are the sun
and the sun still rises  
You can't always shine
you have to let darkness
take over for a little while
so your light can shine brighter
than you knew it could

What you don't realize is that
you've already lost him
Now it's time to find yourself

I think I've mastered the art
of disconnection
Often I let myself
ignore my priorities
for things not worth half the attention
I end up overlooking
the appreciation and love
that people in my life deserve
I let my feelings flow out with my breathe
instead of my eyes
I can't seem to remember
the last time I did something
good for myself
It's like as if sometimes
I'm simply just this being
without any human inside
I wonder if it's just a slump
a little reaction to the cold
or maybe it's not
maybe it's a reaction to something much deeper
Whatever it is,
is this me?

Why is it that my arms must bend before they break?
Maybe the winter wind decided that
I needed to be blind-sided with sharp leaves
The snowfall would much rather
Collapse its extra 50 pounds onto my decaying back
Instead

The snap of the wood echoed through
And awoke the sleeping willows

The darkness and the stillness
Did not make it with the sunrise
Wandering ambers of yours
Planted their residues into the core
Of my roots
A fire sparked down my spine
Before the sun set to rosy hues and gradients of light
It engulfed most of what was left
I let it

The snap of the wood echoed through
And awoke the sleeping willows

The remains?
I whispered to the wood
I whispered, “I am here, I am this,
I cannot feel my roots
Nor can I feel my branches
Let your willow leaves fly with open arms”

The snap of the wood echoed through
And the leaves flew past

The harsh winds and leaves only hit
On the coldest days
The scolding snowfall not such a burden
The fire sets when my trunk cannot bear
To hold itself in place

The snap of the wood echoed through
And it is too late to take the remains of destruction
And make it anew

I can no longer feel
the butterflies you let loose
in the depths of my stomach
your scent is washed away
along with the colours of
the sweater you let me borrow
I can't seem to remember
the last laugh we shared
or the first
I don't have the urge
to pick up my phone at 2am
just to hear your voice
I'd rather stay in alone
than plan something
for us together
your face isn't the star
of all my dreams
I can't seem to feel anything
anymore
and I'm scared of what that means

hold it in
don't speak
don't say a word
focus on your breathing
one breathe in
one breathe out
watch it leave your mouth
into the sky
don't stop breathing
close your eyes
clear your mind
think about that day last week
when you laughed so hard
you couldn't stand up
your favourite tv show
your dog waiting for you at home
open your eyes
what do you need to do
where do you need to go
play it out in your head
losen your shoulders
repeat words of encouragement
you can do it
you're ready
just remember
don't stop breathing

Remember when you used to
look at your future and see
me standing there
Don't lose sight of that
or else I'll slip away
too far out for you to reach

The truth is
things have changed,
we've changed
We're not the same people we were 3 years ago
no matter how hard we try
and I don't think that's our fault
It happens,
life happens,
and things change for a reason,
because if they're not changing,
we're not growing
and maybe that's the problem
we're growing
out of each other,
not into the perfect life
we envisioned years ago,
but into new things
that are better handled alone
But somehow,
after all the change,
you're still the only one who can
fulfill my loneliness
my sadness
the empty space in my heart
And that's why it's so hard for me
because without you,
I am incomplete

I too often
Feel like I am not living up to
What the world is offering me
Instead I'm settling
In my own comfortable reality
Too afraid
To cross the line
But I hear that on the other side,
There are clouds were rocks should be
The rain tastes like gumdrops
And everyone listens to your ideas
Maybe I'll see it someday
But for now,
I'll be here

Let me be your first sip of coffee
In the morning
So throughout the day,
You'll feel my energy
Caressing your veins
Or I can be the first splash of water
In your shower
Cleansing you of your past
And the damage left behind
But I'll also be your bed sheets
Waiting for you to come home
And let out all your sorrows
And then I'll be your pillow
Right under your mind
Leaving you with
That tiny bit of
Comfort
Every night

When did the world become a place I am afraid to live in?
It seems like everyday instead of waking up to smiles and laughter
I awake to news of death and damage
It's not okay
And it shouldn't be the normal
Hate is never the reason to pick up a gun
And shoot
Anger is not the trigger to a bomb
Frustration is not the blade to a knife
But for some, it is
And others will never get the chance to open their eyes again
Or walk another step
Or say I love you
The answer isn't to hate back
But to live in honour of those who can't
To cherish the fact that you are alive
You are here
And you are important

What is it exactly that
made you so enchanted by me?
Is it because it takes hours
to get myself ready to go out,
The way my hair puffs up
whenever it's wet or warm out,
How I leave my ***** dishes
in the sink for a whole week,
When I decide not to sleep
so I can binge watch Netflix,
My nervous talk and laugh
during new social situations,
The anxiety that attacks me
whenever I'm at a low,
Emotions that never fail
to show themselves to the world,
The money that I waste
just to fulfill my need for change,
Procrastination with every task
and the self-regret that follows,
The lack of content every now and then
when I look into the mirror?

What is it exactly that
made you fall in love
with me?

Love was meeting for the first time and asking her for a dance
Love was sitting on the bench in the park when you didn't have money for a movie
Love was being young, wild and free
Love was showing her off to all your friends who wished they could be you
Love was letting yourself go and letting her in
Love was getting up in front of your whole family and giving her a ring
Love was scared
Love was exciting
Love was the big wedding day
Love was the hot sun and deep waves of the honeymoon
Love was buying your own home in an unfamiliar town
Love was beginning new careers
Love was creating two daughters
Love was creating a son
Love was dealing with sickness and unwellness
Love was celebrating holidays and new years
Love was making memories around the world
Love was finding alone time in the midst of chaos
Love was getting through losses of loved ones
Love was finding comfort in spirituality every Sunday
Love was appreciation
Love was growing up
Love was working all day everyday without having the time to say how are you
Love was stressed over all the broken pieces of the past
Love was fighting over who knows what and who knows why
Love was yelling at 2am
Love was trying to connect with her even though she pushed you away
Love was another woman
Love was another man
Love was crying
Love was hurting
Love was realizing that love was not the same

Love was leaving

I don't think you ever realized
how just being in your presence
captivated me more than
I could have wanted
and that wasn't necessarily a problem
until you decided
that you wanted to keep me around
for the purpose of
accompanying you
down a dead end road
that didn't mean half as much to you
as it did to me.
You had so many other paths
to explore and figure out
that you lost control
and hurled yourself my way
without thinking twice.

I don't know you anymore,
but in some way
you've helped me
get to where I am today.

If you love someone,
let them go
right?
But what if you're tethered
by this indestructible string
that pulls you back 3 steps
with every step forward.
What if you look up at your wall
and see that picture from years ago
and can't help but reminisce.
What if you're family
constantly wonders where he is
when he's not with you.
What if you threw away all your rings
to make way for
the one you saw in your future.

How bad do things really have to get
for me to let you go?

I am made up of a collection of parts that create the path I take in this world
Sometimes the way gets foggy
And my heart floods with waves that have the power to tear it apart
I am afraid of what the unknown has to offer
I fear I may not be able to counteract the tide
My breath is a whirlwind of sensitivity and emotions  
My spine is curved, my throat is dry and my immune system never fails to fail me
I am surrounded by lights
Buildings
Homes
Roads
And fields of wonders
My family is the root of my love
And my friends are the sun and water keeping me sane
I surround myself with people who allow me to love
And to be loved
I have learned loss in profound ways
And experienced heartaches strong enough to move mountains
I eat to keep me content
And I buy to keep me satisfied
The night is my best friend
I wake up better at 3am
I fall asleep faster at 3pm
I like to be alone
But not lonely
I want to stand out
But I don't want to be the centre of attention
I write to keep my tears dry
And my vision clear
I aspire to travel
Into places unexplored
But sometimes I go too far
And I lose sight of who I am

I am made up of a collection of parts that create the path I take in this world
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on the right track
My parts are not perfect and I too often succumb to my flaws
But I keep tape in my back pocket
Slowly pieceing together my purpose in this world
I am human
I am more than the sum of my parts

From the moment I was born,
You have showed me
how your unconditional love
stretches farther than the galaxy.
I looked up to you
as if you were the only
star shining in the midst
of a cloudy sky.
You were the first I’d run to
when I couldn’t handle
the storms in my own mind
But suddenly,
a meteor came crashing down
and turned a switch in your heart
transforming you into
just a light in the sky
that I can't recognize.
A particle that no longer embodies
the power to inspire me.
You've fallen,
but that doesn't mean I have to too.

For some reason
Every time I take a trip down memory lane,
You stand out
It's not like I knew you for a long time,
And I talked to you for less.
Maybe it's because I feel guilty
For the way I let things turn out,
Or the fact that I took you for granted.
Maybe all I want to say is
I'm sorry
And I hope you know that.
Who knows,
Maybe someday down the road
We'll meet again in a new country
In a random coffee shop
And we can start over.

I hope you're smart
and that when you find a nice girl
you treat her with respect
and loyalty
and give her nothing but love
but I hope you make mistakes
and that when you find a nice girl
you forget to call when you said you would
and ditch her for a party
and give her something to get mad about
because
I hope you end up a better man

As I sit at my desk
staring at my screen
for the next eight hours
I can't help but let my mind
wander off into places
only my memories can touch;
places that shot
a permanent feeling of
wonder and enchantment
through my soul.
I can feel an itch of
adrenaline and desire
creeping down to my feet
until I can no longer stay still.

I should be somewhere else right now.