I’ve lived my life believing that I could fix anything and more importantly, anyone My life has been surrounded with troubled people with troubling situations and a need for healing A need for someone like me who would be there no matter what holding their hand through the darkness until they got out onto the other side
But for some reason, something broke inside of you something changed and I’m slowly realizing that I cannot fix it Maybe there’s a difference between being broken and being so shattered that I can’t even recognize you long enough to understand what went wrong or how we ended up here and I’ll be ****** enough to hold on to you hoping day after day that I can still fix it until the shattered pieces of your being seep into my soul and slowly shatter me too
I’ve been holding on just to see if maybe you’d pull me out on the other side But I’m not strong and I can’t hold up my limp body I can feel my hands slipping off the edge I’m falling now I can feel the pain as I wait to hit the ground as I watch the light turn to darkness You watch me You let me
I know that it's hard You can feel the anger and frustration rising up from your core unsure of whether it will seep out of your eyes or your lungs You're not sure how to react Do you tear down everything in sight or do you crawl into bed for the rest of week letting yourself fall into darkness
The reality is, you'll do both Some days you'll want to yell at the top of your lungs You'll want to throw rocks at windows rip all your pictures and throw them in the fire And on other days you'll want to be left alone in the warm comfort of your bed and your room with a box of tissues and the saddest music you can find
I know you don't understand why it had to be you Why you had to be the one to feel so broken Out of all the people in the world, it had to be you What did you ever do to deserve this I know you'll feel tempted to blame yourself for the hurt caused by someone else
It's not your fault It's not your responsibility to control someone else's actions The fact is, you can't change what happened As much as you want to, you can't turn back time What's done is done and now you're left in the rubble I know that that's not fair Nothing seems fair enough
Everything will hurt Trying to get up in the morning with a fake smile on your face Watching the people in your life so full of joy Forcing yourself to try to do anything but pity yourself It's not easy and you need to give yourself more credit I know that when you say you're doing okay you probably aren't, and that's okay
It won't be okay for a while I wish I could tell you it will but that's not true It will **** today, tomorrow and the next day after that You'll have happy days, but you won't be happy right away I'm sorry you'll have to deal with this longer than you have
I know you may not believe it or even want to hear this but at some point, you'll wake up and it'll hurt a little less At the end of the day, you are the person you're left with You will learn how to let yourself feel better because if you don't, who will Just remember that you don't deserve to feel sad forever You deserve the chance for happiness You deserve it all
You were the one thing that was supposed to last You were by my side as my world was turning upside down as everything I once knew came crumbling to the ground when all I had left were the bittersweet memories of my past You were the one constant I was left with
But I guess I must've been mistaken because the only things you've left me with now are the pictures I can't bring myself to delete your sweatshirt I wear when it gets cold at night the flashbacks I can't seem to get out of my head the chest pains I feel when I wake up in the morning
You left without a warning and didn't bother to look back In the heat of it all, you gave up on us, on me before giving me the chance to know why before giving me the chance to tell you that if you had just tried, if you had just owned up to your mistake I would still be in your arms tonight
They keep telling me that one day I'll move on, this will pass But when I close my eyes and look into my future, all I see is you The you that I planned to travel the world with The you that wanted a big house and 2 kids The you that showed me exactly how you would one day get down on one knee and promise me the world
You were the one thing that was supposed to last But now I'm not sure of anything anymore Everything I knew turned out to be wrong And I wish things would have been different I wish you would have cared because You my love, you were supposed to last
We are the ones who are hard to understand We'll be the last ones in the movie theatre because the ending scene made us cry We'll stop to smell the roses because they deserve to be appreciated We are the ones who will take the time to get to know what keeps you up at night We are the ones who will imagine an entire future of adventures with the people who show us love
We are the ones who will love you more than we love ourselves sometimes We will give you our strongest parts in hopes that we can make things better We desire to see you become the best you to make sure that you always feel our love We crave affection and appreciation We give a piece of ourselves away every day sometimes to people who don't deserve it Our love is easy to take advantage of and sometimes we don't get back the love that we give away
When we hurt, we crumble and fall apart We constantly have to put ourselves back together We are more fragile than we like to give off We carry our emotions on our sleeves Our flaws have the ability to consume us We aren't afraid to give you the world but we are afraid to feel unloved We want you to see what we see We want you to understand where we're coming from
We are good people with good intentions We are stronger than we look like Not everyone can feel the way we feel We feel too much, too often We are not hard to love We are something not everyone knows how to love But you need to remember that your worth does not change just because no one is there to appreciate you, to remind you
You are not any less lovable You are the most lovable person in the world You are a light that the world needs Your kindness is not your weakness You do not need to change for anyone's acceptance You do not need to stop giving love just because you don't get any back Your heart is the best thing about you
And one day when you least expect it someone will notice you from across the room and know exactly how to love you They will think all of these things are beautiful They will deserve the love you can give They will fill the empty space in your heart But for now, don't stop feeling We are the ones who feel everything so deeply We are the ones who can't give up because We are the ones who will teach the world how to love
I’m not sure what I did to deserve ending up here I can feel my body slowly failing me now With every hour spent in bed every meal sitting on the table every new layer of darkness underneath my eyes Weighing me down burying me under the weight of my reality You just have to make it through the day You just have to dig deep and find it in yourself to be strong Maybe that would be easy If it was just for one day My energy isn’t regenerating fast enough to keep up with the strength I need just to get myself up every morning I can feel my bones believing that they’re not good enough And I’m not sure what I did to deserve ending up here But God, please forgive me
What if I'm unlovable? Maybe I'm too much to handle Maybe it's not that easy to hold my hand I'm not always positive and I'm always lazy I can spend hours doing nothing I don't always have motivation I don't take the garbage out on time Sometimes I forget to turn off the lights There are a lot of things that get on my nerves I can be mean when I'm angry or hungry I don't always think straight when I'm frustrated It's hard for me to control my tears when I'm sad I'll let me alarm ring for half an hour and I'll stay up till 5am I'm not the best with making first impressions My jokes are either really lame or really sarcastic Sometimes I downplay how much I love people I've never really been an affectionate person yet I expect affection from others Maybe I'm not lovable Maybe I'm not enough Not worth fighting for It's not worth it to go through high waters to win my forgiveness My feelings are too much to take care of It's easier to let me go It's easier to turn around and walk away It's easier not to love me It's easier to forget me
What do you do when what you want Isn't what you deserve It's like your heart is clinging on to the edges of the familiar while your mind replays all the times you were hurt right in front of your eyes A constant battle unfolds right beneath your skin and you think it'd just be easier to drown it all out then to try to decide which side you'll listen to How could I ever choose between sacrificing my happiness vs. my self worth Who really loses in the end
Why is it that this present moment is never enough Who you are Where you are What you have is never enough
It’s as if every day we wake up saying “If I could just be that, If I could just go there, If I could just have this, then I’ll be happy”
Yet this allows us to sabotage our ability to feel content in the present To look around and grovel in the beauty of progress and growth that gets us through each passing day
It’s hard to not let the yearning for an unknown future overpower the appreciation for today But maybe if I open my eyes a little wider and open my mind a little bigger every day I won’t always be waiting to be happy
There is no else in this world that I wish I had a better relationship with and I don’t think I will ever get over how you let things turn out Finding new ways to hurt me in the process
When I look back I realize you decided our fate when we were just kids and I didn’t understand then That you were someone who allowed yourself to disrespect the person you were expected to protect
I was never like you and maybe that threatened you but I cannot accept that as a reason to make me feel anxious to be in my home scared of what’s to come into a downward spiral of dysfunction and trauma
Now that I’m not under the same roof sometimes I find myself being able to appreciate our time Try a little harder to connect But you always find new ways to sabotage our progress and burn your bridges one by one
The thing is you are not someone I can simply cut out We are bonded by the strongest kind of human connection We are lumped together in the eyes of family You will always be a part of me in a way no one else will and that’s why it hurts so much
I’m tired and I just want a sister Who sees me for me Understands me for me Respects me for me and loves me for me
I may not say it out loud but I think about you often The truth is you are the hope I wish I could understand and the light I wish I could reach I see the way you touch others and hope that one day I may feel your warmth I think I’m scared to let you in I’m too cynical of your grace because I’ve been let down one too many times But I’ll still think about you and maybe with a little bit of courage I’ll start to believe in you too
I get it that you love her maybe I don't understand it but I just thought that maybe as you were picking up her pieces and plastering them onto your heart that you would've at least saved a spot for me like I've always kept for you
I don't ask for the same parts of you as she does so tell me, why is there only room for one?
I used to think that this wasn't you, it couldn't be but I guess we're not always who we think we are
And if you had just tried to reach a hand out before you left you'd find another waiting
Know this isn't out of hate this is coming from the times when you didn't show up or answer a call or send a message this is coming from the times when you broke my heart while you were trying to save hers
I'm always afraid of what the unknown has to offer I'm scared to look too far into the future I don't know if I'm ready or if I'll be good enough I think I've always felt this way I've gone through life going through the motions not stopping to take a step back and breathe in reality Does anyone ever have it figured out? Change pierces my fickle heart and it collapses under the pressure I don't know what's next I barely know right now So I'll stay here searching until my fickle heart finds peace
I'm not sure what's going on I can feel myself sitting here but I've lost control of my body my hands are frozen I can't move The feeling radiates to my head as if my brain is in shock and I can no longer keep my eyes open My breathing is much heavier and much faster and I can't seem to slow it down Tears fall from my eyes and slowly leave me dehydrated but unable to react I sit here in my isolation and for some reason this feels like the end
What's happening to me? I ask to the voices in my head What were they saying again? There were so many of them and now my mind is blank
I sit here for a while my breathing starts to slow my eyes dry out my fingers loosen their grip And I fall asleep praying to be fixed
I took swimming lessons as a child I thought I was preparing myself for little pools and waterslides but as I grew up, I realized I was actually bracing myself for the ocean in my lungs the downpour on my heart the streams in my eyes
The waves of adulthood hit me so unexpectedly that they knock me off shore into the water where I slowly lose myself
I sink and sink so deep that I forget how to move my arms my legs are tied down by its cold touch I'm drowning And as the water begins to devour my lungs, I take one last breathe in defeat and keep my eyes locked on the faint light in the sky
Isn't it strange how everything seems to work out as if there's some sort of master plan for the way your life will unfold That all your obstacles are put in your way for the sole purpose of leading you down a path you might've missed when you were walking too quickly
What decides our future endeavours? Is it the little voice in our head telling us the difference between right and wrong Or is it simply in the universe's hands out of reach from our unworthy touch
I believe in fate like I believe in hard work And change And progress And failure And hope and maybe that's all I can do; Believe
I don't want to hear how nice my hair looks how pretty my eyes are or how flattering my top is Tell me how I made you smile today How I made you think How I made you feel Those are the only words I want to hear Those are the only words that matter
Here you are again puffy eyes, dried tears What was it this time? You think maybe it's just the usual maybe you're overreacting but that doesn't explain the heaviness in your heart the exhaustion in your breathe the feeling of loss over and over There's no excuse for feeling so small in a place where there should be magic
Everything seems so dark but you have to know that you are not the rain nor the thunder you are the sun and the sun still rises You can't always shine you have to let darkness take over for a little while so your light can shine brighter than you knew it could
What you don't realize is that you've already lost him Now it's time to find yourself
"He's very dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are."
I think I've mastered the art of disconnection Often I let myself ignore my priorities for things not worth half the attention I end up overlooking the appreciation and love that people in my life deserve I let my feelings flow out with my breathe instead of my eyes I can't seem to remember the last time I did something good for myself It's like as if sometimes I'm simply just this being without any human inside I wonder if it's just a slump a little reaction to the cold or maybe it's not maybe it's a reaction to something much deeper Whatever it is, is this me?
Why is it that my arms must bend before they break? Maybe the winter wind decided that I needed to be blind-sided with sharp leaves The snowfall would much rather Collapse its extra 50 pounds onto my decaying back Instead
The snap of the wood echoed through And awoke the sleeping willows
The darkness and the stillness Did not make it with the sunrise Wandering ambers of yours Planted their residues into the core Of my roots A fire sparked down my spine Before the sun set to rosy hues and gradients of light It engulfed most of what was left I let it
The snap of the wood echoed through And awoke the sleeping willows
The remains? I whispered to the wood I whispered, “I am here, I am this, I cannot feel my roots Nor can I feel my branches Let your willow leaves fly with open arms”
The snap of the wood echoed through And the leaves flew past
The harsh winds and leaves only hit On the coldest days The scolding snowfall not such a burden The fire sets when my trunk cannot bear To hold itself in place
The snap of the wood echoed through And it is too late to take the remains of destruction And make it anew
I can no longer feel the butterflies you let loose in the depths of my stomach your scent is washed away along with the colours of the sweater you let me borrow I can't seem to remember the last laugh we shared or the first I don't have the urge to pick up my phone at 2am just to hear your voice I'd rather stay in alone than plan something for us together your face isn't the star of all my dreams I can't seem to feel anything anymore and I'm scared of what that means
hold it in don't speak don't say a word focus on your breathing one breathe in one breathe out watch it leave your mouth into the sky don't stop breathing close your eyes clear your mind think about that day last week when you laughed so hard you couldn't stand up your favourite tv show your dog waiting for you at home open your eyes what do you need to do where do you need to go play it out in your head losen your shoulders repeat words of encouragement you can do it you're ready just remember don't stop breathing
The truth is things have changed, we've changed We're not the same people we were 3 years ago no matter how hard we try and I don't think that's our fault It happens, life happens, and things change for a reason, because if they're not changing, we're not growing and maybe that's the problem we're growing out of each other, not into the perfect life we envisioned years ago, but into new things that are better handled alone But somehow, after all the change, you're still the only one who can fulfill my loneliness my sadness the empty space in my heart And that's why it's so hard for me because without you, I am incomplete
I too often Feel like I am not living up to What the world is offering me Instead I'm settling In my own comfortable reality Too afraid To cross the line But I hear that on the other side, There are clouds were rocks should be The rain tastes like gumdrops And everyone listens to your ideas Maybe I'll see it someday But for now, I'll be here
Let me be your first sip of coffee In the morning So throughout the day, You'll feel my energy Caressing your veins Or I can be the first splash of water In your shower Cleansing you of your past And the damage left behind But I'll also be your bed sheets Waiting for you to come home And let out all your sorrows And then I'll be your pillow Right under your mind Leaving you with That tiny bit of Comfort Every night
When did the world become a place I am afraid to live in? It seems like everyday instead of waking up to smiles and laughter I awake to news of death and damage It's not okay And it shouldn't be the normal Hate is never the reason to pick up a gun And shoot Anger is not the trigger to a bomb Frustration is not the blade to a knife But for some, it is And others will never get the chance to open their eyes again Or walk another step Or say I love you The answer isn't to hate back But to live in honour of those who can't To cherish the fact that you are alive You are here And you are important
What is it exactly that made you so enchanted by me? Is it because it takes hours to get myself ready to go out, The way my hair puffs up whenever it's wet or warm out, How I leave my ***** dishes in the sink for a whole week, When I decide not to sleep so I can binge watch Netflix, My nervous talk and laugh during new social situations, The anxiety that attacks me whenever I'm at a low, Emotions that never fail to show themselves to the world, The money that I waste just to fulfill my need for change, Procrastination with every task and the self-regret that follows, The lack of content every now and then when I look into the mirror?
What is it exactly that made you fall in love with me?
Love was meeting for the first time and asking her for a dance Love was sitting on the bench in the park when you didn't have money for a movie Love was being young, wild and free Love was showing her off to all your friends who wished they could be you Love was letting yourself go and letting her in Love was getting up in front of your whole family and giving her a ring Love was scared Love was exciting Love was the big wedding day Love was the hot sun and deep waves of the honeymoon Love was buying your own home in an unfamiliar town Love was beginning new careers Love was creating two daughters Love was creating a son Love was dealing with sickness and unwellness Love was celebrating holidays and new years Love was making memories around the world Love was finding alone time in the midst of chaos Love was getting through losses of loved ones Love was finding comfort in spirituality every Sunday Love was appreciation Love was growing up Love was working all day everyday without having the time to say how are you Love was stressed over all the broken pieces of the past Love was fighting over who knows what and who knows why Love was yelling at 2am Love was trying to connect with her even though she pushed you away Love was another woman Love was another man Love was crying Love was hurting Love was realizing that love was not the same
Love was leaving
"I have my mother's mouth and my father's eyes; on my face they are still together." - Warsan Shire
I don't think you ever realized how just being in your presence captivated me more than I could have wanted and that wasn't necessarily a problem until you decided that you wanted to keep me around for the purpose of accompanying you down a dead end road that didn't mean half as much to you as it did to me. You had so many other paths to explore and figure out that you lost control and hurled yourself my way without thinking twice. I don't know you anymore, but in some way you've helped me get to where I am today.
If you love someone, let them go right? But what if you're tethered by this indestructible string that pulls you back 3 steps with every step forward. What if you look up at your wall and see that picture from years ago and can't help but reminisce. What if you're family constantly wonders where he is when he's not with you. What if you threw away all your rings to make way for the one you saw in your future.
How bad do things really have to get for me to let you go?
I am made up of a collection of parts that create the path I take in this world Sometimes the way gets foggy And my heart floods with waves that have the power to tear it apart I am afraid of what the unknown has to offer I fear I may not be able to counteract the tide My breath is a whirlwind of sensitivity and emotions My spine is curved, my throat is dry and my immune system never fails to fail me I am surrounded by lights Buildings Homes Roads And fields of wonders My family is the root of my love And my friends are the sun and water keeping me sane I surround myself with people who allow me to love And to be loved I have learned loss in profound ways And experienced heartaches strong enough to move mountains I eat to keep me content And I buy to keep me satisfied The night is my best friend I wake up better at 3am I fall asleep faster at 3pm I like to be alone But not lonely I want to stand out But I don't want to be the centre of attention I write to keep my tears dry And my vision clear I aspire to travel Into places unexplored But sometimes I go too far And I lose sight of who I am
I am made up of a collection of parts that create the path I take in this world Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on the right track My parts are not perfect and I too often succumb to my flaws But I keep tape in my back pocket Slowly pieceing together my purpose in this world I am human *I am more than the sum of my parts
What changed? Was it the way you talked the way you smiled the intimacy the love or was it because of someone else Someone new someone exciting someone different someone else, but her Maybe you don't understand it Maybe you don't understand yourself But one thing's for sure She deserves better
From the moment I was born, You have showed me how your unconditional love stretches farther than the galaxy. I looked up to you as if you were the only star shining in the midst of a cloudy sky. You were the first I’d run to when I couldn’t handle the storms in my own mind But suddenly, a meteor came crashing down and turned a switch in your heart transforming you into just a light in the sky that I can't recognize. A particle that no longer embodies the power to inspire me. You've fallen, but that doesn't mean I have to too.
I never really got the chance to thank you For the way you put me on a pedestal Even when I wasn't anything special Before anyone else noticed my potential You looked at me with that spark in your eye And talked to me in song I tried to return the favour But that wasn't enough
Thank you for the way you stuck with me Believed in me And fell in love with me.
For some reason Every time I take a trip down memory lane, You stand out It's not like I knew you for a long time, And I talked to you for less. Maybe it's because I feel guilty For the way I let things turn out, Or the fact that I took you for granted. Maybe all I want to say is I'm sorry And I hope you know that. Who knows, Maybe someday down the road We'll meet again in a new country In a random coffee shop And we can start over.
I hope you're smart and that when you find a nice girl you treat her with respect and loyalty and give her nothing but love but I hope you make mistakes and that when you find a nice girl you forget to call when you said you would and ditch her for a party and give her something to get mad about because I hope you end up a better man