There is no else in this world that I wish I had a better relationship with
and I don’t think I will ever get over
how you let things turn out
Finding new ways
to hurt me in the process

When I look back
I realize you decided our fate
when we were just kids
and I didn’t understand then
That you were someone
who allowed yourself to disrespect
the person you were expected to protect

I was never like you
and maybe that threatened you
but I cannot accept that
as a reason to make me feel anxious
to be in my home
scared of what’s to come
into a downward spiral of dysfunction and trauma

Now that I’m not under the same roof
sometimes I find myself
being able to appreciate our time
Try a little harder to connect
But you always find new ways
to sabotage our progress
and burn your bridges one by one

The thing is
you are not someone I can simply cut out
We are bonded by the strongest kind of human connection
We are lumped together in the eyes of family
You will always be a part of me in a way no one else will
and that’s why it hurts so much

I’m tired
and I just want a sister
Who sees me for me
Understands me for me
Respects me for me
and loves me for me

I get it that you love her
maybe I don't understand it
but I just thought that
as you were picking up her pieces
and plastering them onto your heart
that you would've at least
saved a spot for me
like I've always kept for you

I don't ask for the same parts of you
as she does
so tell me,
why is there only room for one?

I used to think that this wasn't you,
it couldn't be
but I guess
we're not always who we think we are

And if you had just tried
to reach a hand out before you left
you'd find another waiting

Know this isn't out of hate
this is coming from the times when you didn't show up
or answer a call
or send a message
this is coming from the times when you broke my heart
while you were trying to save hers

I'm always afraid
of what the unknown
has to offer
I'm scared
to look too far
into the future
I don't know if I'm ready
or if I'll be good enough
I think I've always felt this way
I've gone through life
going through the motions
not stopping to take a step back
and breathe in reality
Does anyone ever have it figured out?
Change pierces my fickle heart
and it collapses under the pressure
I don't know what's next
I barely know right now
So I'll stay here searching
until my fickle heart
finds peace

I'm not sure what's going on
I can feel myself sitting here
but I've lost control of my body
my hands are frozen
I can't move
The feeling radiates to my head
as if my brain is in shock
and I can no longer keep my eyes open
My breathing is much heavier
and much faster
and I can't seem to slow it down
Tears fall from my eyes
and slowly leave me dehydrated
but unable to react
I sit here in my isolation
and for some reason
this feels like the end

What's happening to me?
I ask to the voices in my head
What were they saying again?
There were so many of them
and now my mind is blank

I sit here for a while
my breathing starts to slow
my eyes dry out
my fingers loosen their grip
And I fall asleep
praying
to be fixed

I took swimming lessons as a child
I thought I was preparing myself
for little pools and waterslides
but as I grew up,
I realized I was actually bracing myself
for the ocean in my lungs
the downpour on my heart
the streams in my eyes

The waves of adulthood
hit me so unexpectedly
that they knock me off shore
into the water
where I slowly lose myself

I sink and sink
so deep that I forget how to move my arms
my legs are tied down by its cold touch
I'm drowning
And as the water begins to devour my lungs,
I take one last breathe in defeat
and keep my eyes locked
on the faint light in the sky

Isn't it strange
how everything seems to work out
as if there's some sort of
master plan
for the way your life will unfold
That all your obstacles
are put in your way
for the sole purpose of
leading you down a path
you might've missed
when you were walking too quickly

What decides our future endeavours?
Is it the little voice in our head
telling us the difference between right and wrong
Or is it simply in the universe's hands
out of reach from our unworthy touch

I believe in fate
like I believe in hard work
And change
And progress
And failure
And hope
and maybe that's all I can do;
Believe