I want to text you,
    I love you. . .  
        only to delete it , rewrite it and delete it again.
              In an endless cycle of words I can not express.

My heart drifting in your longing,
yearning for my time to come around, to meet deaths cold sweet embrace.

I miss you.

Chains of d̶i̶s̶a̶p̶p̶o̶i̶n̶t̶m̶e̶n̶t̶s,
  are my tributes to the world.
Failed poems full of incogitable nuances
   each number, another sorrow,
Full of my of diluted fantasies of happiness.
Paint a succession of damages, of a broken heart
    which sings its same old tune,
        old , overplayed, disappointing tune.

I have written thousands of poems,
30,000 thousand words and counting.

A quilt of memories both mine and yours,
   quatrains and couplets amongst swaying palm trees.


I wrote about anger, I wrote about hate,
   I wrote about death, I wrote about love,
       I wrote about lust, I wrote about you.

I drew maps in the stars,
   and my words became waves of emotion plunging
     me ever deeper into insanity.

But the words yet left unwritten,
    can not be created or describe,
       each day l̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶

Please hold me tonight,
  reignite the unspoken sparks,
     tell me its okay,
         & hold me tight,
            as you love me like our first night,
                  Lets pretend as if we are still love.
So , please h̶o̶l̶d̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶n̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ . . .

The world is black and white,
darkness and sounds at birth, darkness and sounds at death.
We yearn to change the world, dreamers, confined to reality.
To truly live, not just pass the minutes, hours, and days.
𝖘𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊 from my mundane existence.

Tasted,
   dipped fingers into chocolate.
Figures;
  Glutenous Pig.
"Sorry";
    there goes the notion of trust. . .
Endless "hey cutie" inboxes;
   I picture doing it back.

yet I stay ,
   sick for your love,
I stay. . .

In this endless song.

-Stay

The world does not stop,
    from the trees,
          to the birds,
            always 𝓂🏵𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔,
               and I towards my tomb.

Have you ever felt the pain?
Not of dying, not of love.
Not of pain, but of a word with no escape.
It's silence is deadly, like an ardent comet full of expression,
devouring your mind, body and soul, never blooming into existence.
Have you ever felt this pain?

ℌ𝔢 𝔫𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔯 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔯𝔢𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫
no goodbyes, no words uttered
Yet, all I could wonder . . .
   is how I stand on my feet?

"me"
"me"
"me"

    I'm sorry lover. . .
I know see your mistake.

Longing for you,
  makes me contemplate.
     If this love is self hate.
         hate for a bird that can not sing.
            hate for a bird that wants to spread its wings.
                 hate for an ugly pigeon who dreams of being a dove.
you are everything
      I am ᑎOT

That awkward silence;
   of seeing them with someone else.

Memories rushing seem so long ago,
    Santa Monica sand,
       Churros on the pier,
          Zion's trails.
             Happiness. . .
"Hello". . .
Introductions. .
Small talk. . .

     "Oh I am happy for you";
If only I didn't lie.

-Lie

Making love with the lights off,
  voices surround me once more. . .
      . . . fat. . .
           . . . round. . .
               . . . small. . .
I am yours,
  but hide me from me
     keep the lights off
       let me feel beautiful
         before these voices tear me down once more. . .

-ʟɪɢʜᴛꜱ ᴏꜰꜰ

My mind wanders the cosmos and the heavens,
always thinking, what you'd think of the man I became?
   Should I come and meet you in the dark?
      Would we be bestfriends again?
          Is this E̶x̶a̶l̶t̶e̶d̶ thinking,
             or the madness of my own silence?

When you lose everything,
    the saying goes "get back up and try again"
         but how do you get back up
            when every feeling, every word, of my past
                no longer exists in the physical world,
                     trying means being awake,
                        but I want to sleep,
                             for in dreams,
                                   I feel you,
                                   once more.

Silent glances,
  lead to moments of exultation,
     for you're the one I dream of. . .

When our eyes meet,
  my heart skips a beat,
    take me to a land of imagination. . .

Oh the thrills,
   for a second you're the only one I think about
         bells snap me back into reality. . .

- ʜɪɢʜ ꜱᴄʜᴏᴏʟ ᴄʀᴜꜱʜ

I hit rock bottom again,
  living in my own fiery hell inferno.
Before I coped with the pain,
  or maybe now I float between reality and fantasy,  
     just enough to feel this pain , burning.
My suffering , love lost was external,
    so why is it internal?
I hit rock bottom again,
but this time I am not coping,
    I am b̶u̶r̶n̶i̶n̶g̶.

5 a.m., off to work
6 a.m., huffs and puffs I am running late
8 a.m., mundane calls
10 a.m, mundane lunch
12 a.m., longing for it to to be 8 p.m.
tick, tock, tick, tock
hours and mintues pass
only to repeat again tomorrow.

He loses his beauty,
loses his grace,
loses his wit,
until he is no more,
until there is nothing left to pick.
He gives freely, begging the sky for grace.
But he is confined to hell, all in the name of those he loves.
Time does not forgive.

******
        Ignorant
                    Flattery

when did poets become so
       --miniscule--
constantly partaking within a state of iterability
        Plato rolls in the grave
while Derrida weeps.

                         Sad state of iterability.

It takes two pillars
  to build a foundation.
    as one rots and decays,
     the other cracks, bends, creaks and cries.
Then we have one. . .
  longing for support,
     only to find the world avoids the "broken" foundations.

-
b̵̪͈̙͚̪̞̗̱̅͒͘r̴̡̝̻̫͙̺̮̟̾͊̅̋̅̄͘̚͜͝ͅọ̴̲̓̈́̃̎̓ǩ̴̫̟͕̲͔̂̽̏͛͜͜͝e̵̋̎̔͠­̮̼͐͜ǹ̶̤̖̲̭̘̿́ ̴̨͖͇͍̦̯̤̐̅͋͘͘͜f̵̜̜͕͔̫̹̫̹̎̾̅͌͊̕͝ͅò̶̲̻̣̑͋͗̃͒̒̍̄ủ̵̮̪͍̼̳͔̗͉́̃̓n̶̦͘͜­̮̦̝̻̱͜d̶̫̲͒͌ā̴̡̛̭̭͘t̴̡̳̪̯̖̣͗̿͛̄̍̌͝ͅi̶̲͑̅ơ̶̮͇̼̹͜n̴̢̢̤̭̜̹̙̹͓̆̔ŝ̵­̢̛̙͙̗͗́̽͗̕̚

Is she worth it, the stress, the pain, the hurt?
The tears as you beg her not to leave.
Is it her smile? That brings you comfort and warmth?
Is it her anger and jealousy? That makes you feel wanted?
Is the scratches or the bruises? I hear your reasons why.
She breaks your heart, steals your pride.
Leaving you shattered, incomplete,
She is a parasite, that has you caught in her treacherous tide.
I want to yell, I love you, I am here for you, be happy.
But I know you don't love me in that way,
But you are strong enough, my friend, to love yourself,
to choose yourself, to leave.

Endless blue,
sweet endless blue. . .
salt in the air, waves wave "hello"
tranquil cloudlessness, driving down the "American road"
Singing the blues.

10 fingers intertwine,
morning coffee on the breath.
no need to ask,
for deep down,
" I love you" flashes on the imaginary marquee. .  .

Grey,
endless dreariness. .
The smell of rain and mildew in the air. . .
the sheets, yell "goodnight"
Tranquil silence, staying in "our home"
feeling so blue. . .

2 heartbeat diverge and become 1,
morning sunlight through dusty blinds,
no need to ask,
for deep down,
I know you are gone. .  .

-2 ʜᴇᴀʀᴛʙᴇᴀᴛꜱ

Am I dying awake?
   or living a dream.
I do know I am drowning,
  falling deeper, deeper, gasping, begging, pleading,
      praying for help!
This H̶o̶m̶e̶, yes, this symbol, we "called" home
  is killing me softly, as it fails to contain this soul.
    Which weeps and dies, for this symbol a constant reminder
     that we used to inhabit.

When you are angry at him and you yell,
    Just remember. . .
       Some of us wish we could see him, talk to him, yell at him.
             Life is cruel and fast always 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓱 it.

"why do you always cry"

maybe. .  just maybe. .
I am an emotional wreck,
  who cried on the bathroom floor,
    for love and loss and turned into a fragile core.


maybe. . just maybe. .
  earth is my purgatory,
    an endless mirage of torment and misery
      that is deserved for when I chose you,
        I left him.
          and the words I said to him,
             " I love you"
                 became . . .
𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕

Sacred body, yes; that which I have fully explored and mapped.

Scattered tattered walls,
  cracked and broken from each strike.

Pillars structurally not sound, against all condemnation,
  you beat, longing, wanting, leading us to a calamity.

Body, yes ; my sweet beloved.
  we know each other you and I.
     Stop, hear my plea; please stop.
         Don't beat, don't long, don't want,
               He will be our 【Ｅｎｄ】

Pop. . . a pill falls to the floor,
Buspirone. . . what a funny name.
Ardent images burn into flesh,
    love;
long lost.
    feelings;
of dread and a monster on the back.

Doctor says accept be inure of this life.
   but,
strangers do not fill the void,
passionless nights provide pleasure not comfort.
    let me dream;
       of my love in a constant state of Euphoria.
wallow;
   in my own delusion.
touch;
  on my skin
kiss;
  on my lips

I don't want to live another day,
so let me live in mental solitude
    clinging to a delusional love
       of false epiphanies.

-Epiphanies

Sweet troubles of melancholy far removed,
     Ardent blight tattered heart,
        whimsical memories of yesterday. . .
           two young souls which loved and played,
              broken heartbeats in perfect synchrony,
                  old cigars and 3 a.m. faded masks,
                         you begged me to stay.
                               longed for love,
                                         but loathed your touch. . .
                                     when did I stray?

-Stray

My tenderness for you,
would like to be the grave; the land, so that you rest in my hands.
That is why at 2:48 AM, my alarming thoughts are purified.
As I quietly dig my own grave, u̶n̶t̶i̶l̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶e̶t̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶'̶

@ 3AM
melancholy state of mind,
  wishing you were,
    yearning for this real life simile to end.
      hoping today is the day I do not compare anyone to you.
        for I love you and hate you,
           save me from this ᴊᴜxᴛᴀᴘᴏꜱɪᴛɪᴏɴ
.

He was a giver,
   he gave and he gave,
      warm bodies were comfort,
          even if they cost a good cent.
They were takers,
     they took and took,
         until nothing was left,
             even if they knew it was wrong.
Both sides played the same song,
   until, he became ill,
     he begged and begged,  
        for salvation,  
           only to meet damnation,
              stormy sky's formed,
                "lift me up"
                    "𝒹❁𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝑒"
                        the sky laughed mockingly,
                             he was alone.
                                 sky's cleared,
                                      he lay,
                                         naked,
                                           defeated,
                                              alone.
They wore black,
    They cried out their souls,
        Warm bodies called out his name,
            that's all he wanted,
               but it falls on deaths ears.

The room spins, in our mind this is a silent waltz.
Two alcohol induced souls, the musics gone,
the lights are low , yet we dance and continue to put on our show.

No more twirls, no dipping low
Just whispers between two strangers,
Your eyes, mirrors. Reflecting a heart thats incomplete,
a lonely soul.

The dancing's done, the night is dark,
yet in this anguish, I contemplate,
was it love or lust? the silence of my own anguish,
Longing for love, wondering if was the stranger at the bar.

Keep me in the moment;
   rock me in your lullaby.
Roll. . . Roll. . . Roll. . .
Keep me focused;
  as I dance with bodacious stars.
Lick. . . Lick. . . Lick. . .
Fly past mars;
  where the word demure does not exist.
Light. . . Light. . . Light. . .
Cosmic love;
   Please keep me in this moment.


-Cosmic

December 24th, 2020

Sweet love, sweet friend.
  I promised to never love again until the end,
   for I was unsure I could trust. . .
    smell of burnt pine, and ice cold December air,
      a reminder of your ever warm embrace.

Sweet love, sweet friend,
I failed to love you to the end.
for I am starting to love again,
my heart and I are in a constant fight.
for I yearn for your love,
But I found a man whose breaking my walls.

Sweet Love, Sweet Friend
  I am terrified to love again,
    I am forever yours,
      heart,
      body,
      and soul which weeps for you.
  his love which has bound me in chains.

Sweet Love, Sweet Friend,
   I feel guilty,
     I want to stop my breath,
        to feel your touch,
           your embrace,
             to hear your voice,
               & smell your skin.
                 I am terrified to love again,
                      scared I was your greatest mistake.


Sweet Love, Sweet Friend
   until we meet again. . .
      but I will try and take the - 🆁🅸🆂🅺

The song of youth is quick, the curtain falls.
It concludes from grandeur to silent halls.
No more applause, No encores,
Just chasms amongst the skin, as shadow linger, memories ache.
Will you still love me? Asking the question you already know.
Changes nothing. . .

Smell of cheap coffee,
  an unwanted reminder
            of unassigned roles. . .

        Why did the leaf fall before the tree?
            Why did the moon howl at the wolf?
                Why did the bird swim far below?


Can you imagine a world?
     with no roles. . .
            no unspoken rules. . .
                  
                            - Choices

All it takes;
   is one unwanted advance or stroke.
To inflict a lifetime of misery;
   self doubt and hate.
"forgive and forget";
    easier said then done.

let me just inflate my heart
   and let it fly away.

-Simple right?


..... (¯'v´¯)♥
.......•.¸.•´
....¸.•´
... (
☻/
/▌♥♥
/ \ ♥♥

On a long and ugly forgotten beach,
  I curse and mock the sun, that bears witness to your lies,
I hear the waves, a figment of imagination,
     raging under my own decrepitly mental state.
Before the song of my nirvana,
    I curse the mother, and its womb,
        that brought perfection under the moon.
& within all this insanity,
    I curse you,
        loathe you,
           for in you,
              I see me,
                 foolish,
                    young,
                       in love,
                           βŘ𝐨𝓀𝓔𝐧

The pain begins tonight,
unimaginable torture of my own mental design,
   left under an imaginary starry sky,
    warm desert breeze, smell of rotten pine.
       my melancholy turns in your hand,
          lift me up, raise me up,
             help me become stronger.
                Let the sun, drip and fill the honey in my eye.
                   & take me out of this darkness.
                           𝓈𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝑒, 𝒽𝑒𝓁𝓅 𝓂𝑒 𝓇𝒾𝓈𝑒

Infinite ****** passion exchanged by eyes,
         unexplainable emotions at first touch,
                 Eager tender breaths muffled by lips,
                           Emotions become finite, sacred to tainted.
                                                    - The Chase Ends

Inside my mundane complexion
constant tides and angry currents stir,
it bites and claws at my insides,
hoping, pleading, to form the words
for him to notice how much he means to me.
But another voice, internal screams out.
Even though ages have passed,
flesh has turned to dust,
my heart is yours,
my mind is yours,
my brain is yours,
my lust is his,
  but your voice,
         leaves me s̶p̶e̶e̶c̶h̶l̶e̶s̶s̶,
            as I know I am not the one.

𝓪 𝓶𝓪𝓷 𝓵𝓲𝓮𝓼 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓭
        his phone rings
           " on my way home"
                   what a joke , a man in my bed . . . left

Alone Goodbye's. . .  
    The irony. . .

Let me lie under the smell of herbs,
       flowers, and rotting sap from ancient trees.
          prepare the earthly sheets,
             with pollen that tickles the nose
               an infinite reminder of my insanity.

Let me sleep,
  under the constellation of the lion,
      majestic vast grandeur,
          an infinite reminder of a strong soul,
               forever lost and broken.

Rock me to sleep,
  with the song of buds breaking open,
    and angels that sing the song of purgatory,
       an infinite reminder,
           of  man , a sinner, a son, a product of humanity.

In the end,
  when the pills run out,
      and the world returns to normalcy,
         with one less miserable soul,
             take a note,
                 that I am happy,
                         free ⓞη𝓬𝐞 ᵐ๏Ř乇

As he leaves, he takes his memory.
His ways of being, his current of emotions,
His sweet honeydew smell, his way of being goodbye
and never.

Still nights, the superficial,
,
Without noticing you went from him,
to it, to a thing.
polished thing.
Falling, slipping
crying, sweet anguish thing.
Sweet thing, trapped in captivity of the entrails,
of the knot already forever binded,
blinded from the sobbing, you lose yourself
sweet thing.

Until one day, another stops the pain.
Stops it, and reduces it to an annoying
voice, a mysterious touch, to a resurfaced polish.
Offered, given, taken,
sweet thing the hidden loneliness all but awaits,
you fail to feel its quake as you play the game again.