@ 3AM
melancholy state of mind,
  wishing you were,
    yearning for this real life simile to end.
      hoping today is the day I do not compare anyone to you.
        for I love you and hate you,
           save me from this ᴊᴜxᴛᴀᴘᴏꜱɪᴛɪᴏɴ
.

Take me back to a time,
      when La Divina blessed the stage,
          when the horrors of war did not exist,
                when man only knew love and not hate,
                     when imaginary lines did not divide us,
  when religion and race did not exist.
        take me back before the creation of constructs,


Please take me.

-ⓣⓐⓚⓔ ⓜⓔ

You started out as a dream, an illusion, an invasion of the thought.
  Slow torture; turned obsession.
     Fast Love; slow grief
My entrails exalting, my pulses exploding.
  With your fire you enslave me,
        & even after death
            I am tortured, when may I choose to be happy?

The world does not stop,
    from the trees,
          to the birds,
            always 𝓂🏵𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔,
               and I towards my tomb.

My tenderness for you,
would like to be the grave; the land, so that you rest in my hands.
That is why at 2:48 AM, my alarming thoughts are purified.
As I quietly dig my own grave, u̶n̶t̶i̶l̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶e̶t̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶'̶

Have you ever felt the pain?
Not of dying, not of love.
Not of pain, but of a word with no escape.
It's silence is deadly, like an ardent comet full of expression,
devouring your mind, body and soul, never blooming into existence.
Have you ever felt this pain?

Caged bird weeps, in the shade of the saguaro,
Caged bird that sings a song of lamentation, for love betrayed.
My heart is filled, by the fervour in its pain.
He wishes upon a star, that is already wished on.

So I raise my glass, to stars and heavens above.
Pious fool, that expresses his desire,
to make his love mine,
Please let our souls become intertwined, so I can let go of this caged bird and its sad little song.

Am I dying awake?
   or living a dream.
I do know I am drowning,
  falling deeper, deeper, gasping, begging, pleading,
      praying for help!
This H̶o̶m̶e̶, yes, this symbol, we "called" home
  is killing me softly, as it fails to contain this soul.
    Which weeps and dies, for this symbol a constant reminder
     that we used to inhabit.

You were the most beautiful thing,
  behind a icy can of coke on a warm aired summer day.
      Love at first sight,
        until you spoke.

-ᴄᴀɴ ᴏꜰ ᴄᴏᴋᴇ

Ay mi amor,
  sangre de mis venas,
     lleno de amor
       por la patria
          las legendes de ridículo
              Comida de de los indios
ay mi amor
    lloro por ti,
        por el dia
           que visito los montes
               con su monasterios,
                   de dios. . .

Sacred body, yes; that which I have fully explored and mapped.

Scattered tattered walls,
  cracked and broken from each strike.

Pillars structurally not sound, against all condemnation,
  you beat, longing, wanting, leading us to a calamity.

Body, yes ; my sweet beloved.
  we know each other you and I.
     Stop, hear my plea; please stop.
         Don't beat, don't long, don't want,
               He will be our 【Ｅｎｄ】

115 degree days of misery,
  under larger than life palm trees.
    Sipping a cold crying can of coke.
       oversized sunglasses by the community pool,
          I hope they hide my gaze.
              lust at first sight, ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴇʀ at a glance.

All it takes;
   is one unwanted advance or stroke.
To inflict a lifetime of misery;
   self doubt and hate.
"forgive and forget";
    easier said then done.

let me just inflate my heart
   and let it fly away.

-Simple right?


..... (¯'v´¯)♥
.......•.¸.•´
....¸.•´
... (
☻/
/▌♥♥
/ \ ♥♥

On a long and ugly forgotten beach,
  I curse and mock the sun, that bears witness to your lies,
I hear the waves, a figment of imagination,
     raging under my own decrepitly mental state.
Before the song of my nirvana,
    I curse the mother, and its womb,
        that brought perfection under the moon.
& within all this insanity,
    I curse you,
        loathe you,
           for in you,
              I see me,
                 foolish,
                    young,
                       in love,
                           βŘ𝐨𝓀𝓔𝐧

When you are angry at him and you yell,
    Just remember. . .
       Some of us wish we could see him, talk to him, yell at him.
             Life is cruel and fast always 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓱 it.

Forgive me I am broken,
     I throw myself in strangers arms,
            for warmth?
                  for love?
                      for happiness?
Forgive me for being profoundly hopeless,
   for if love is a game, I ****.
      They took him from me,
         no green mushrooms to bring him back,
              no rainbow stars,
                     hard, cold, reality.
Forgive me for it does not hurt when a stranger 🄻🄴🄰🅅🄴🅂

I am sustained in you,
  your words penetrate the darkest caverns of my soul,
        your being is the vertigo of my fantasy,
           I fall at your knees, and drink from your springs,
                your very essence fills me,
                       an endless reminder of my fear,
                                my loss of breath,
                                            for I am sustained in you,
                                                         I hesitate, to let this dream end.
& I know this wanting of belonging,
    is a reflection of me onto you,
        but yet in the silence,
             my soul cries for you!
                    my sweet 𝓃𝒾𝓇𝓋𝒶𝓃𝒶

What
         if
            you
                   knew
                         the
                            silence
                    of
                       a
                       dial
                            tone

What
   if
    you
      starred
                 at
                     the  
                      phone
                        waiting
                                  for
                       the
                            ping
                                 that
                                     never
                                           came

Leaving you to wonder and wander
  dread, anger, anguish overtake you
     for the thrill of it all
in the solitude of the moment. . .
      

I hope "you" was not "me"

I love you body and soul,
graced by the heavens to find you,
to have us together is my nirvana.
I am too proud to admit,
you are
my breath. .
my brain. . .
the tenderness. . .
my heart . . .
please, oh please.
by gods grace keep us united,
for I yearn for your love and respect.
Hear my plea, for its not a child's plea.,
but filled with sentiment from our youth.
promise to be tender
to love, and give affection.
I am yours to do as you will,
I am yours to break at your will
so please love me.

Your soul,
𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓭 𝓹𝓸𝓮𝓽

If I rip apart your perfect veneer,
   Disembowel its beauty,
      behind the peering darkness,
          lies a garden, with a fountain of lust
              for all you are,
                  all you will be,
                     is an imaginary object,
                          that is all you give,
                               all I get,
                                  want,
                        ­              & [̲̅N][̲̅e][̲̅e][̲̅d].

I am the ocean,
under raging storms of my,
mental disorder

-Ocean

Smell of cheap coffee,
  an unwanted reminder
            of unassigned roles. . .

        Why did the leaf fall before the tree?
            Why did the moon howl at the wolf?
                Why did the bird swim far below?


Can you imagine a world?
     with no roles. . .
            no unspoken rules. . .
                  
                            - Choices

Silent glances,
  lead to moments of exultation,
     for you're the one I dream of. . .

When our eyes meet,
  my heart skips a beat,
    take me to a land of imagination. . .

Oh the thrills,
   for a second you're the only one I think about
         bells snap me back into reality. . .

- ʜɪɢʜ ꜱᴄʜᴏᴏʟ ᴄʀᴜꜱʜ

Life is a chasm of dark solitude,
   my dear eternal love,
        I wish with my all heart,
            to close my eyes,
                 and meet in a sweet embrace.
                       for this pain is unforgettable,
                             I lose myself to a sea of my emotions,
                                               I drown in tears and sorrow,
Yet life is cruel,
    when I lose my breath,
       it pulls me up in a state of melancholy,
          I mourn, I mourn, and mourn
            in this punishment of damnation
               to live in solitude, longing for death
                       a death which does not come
                            so we can love once more.
                                my dear 𝑒𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓁💮𝓋𝑒

We are born into this world to love,
Born to find it, lose it again and again,
in a reoccurring tune, like the phoenix each love must start anew.
So why am I b̶r̶o̶k̶e̶n̶? As I continue to ponder and long for you?

I want to text you,
    I love you. . .  
        only to delete it , rewrite it and delete it again.
              In an endless cycle of words I can not express.

Tasted,
   dipped fingers into chocolate.
Figures;
  Glutenous Pig.
"Sorry";
    there goes the notion of trust. . .
Endless "hey cutie" inboxes;
   I picture doing it back.

yet I stay ,
   sick for your love,
I stay. . .

In this endless song.

-Stay

******
        Ignorant
                    Flattery

when did poets become so
       --miniscule--
constantly partaking within a state of iterability
        Plato rolls in the grave
while Derrida weeps.

                         Sad state of iterability.

Individualization
                              is praised
                                         instagrammers become the plato of the day
                               But did you ever see yourself
for you are just meat like me.


When did we lose sight of importance.

Your voice, a haunting melody, a mournful plea.
Your touch, poison to my heart,
Chained to your embrace, as this darkness creeps and takes a toll.
We are broken mirrors, reflecting pain,
these shattered fragments, that love forgo's,
two souls conjoined in this venomous vine.
awaiting the afterlife where our souls can hopefully align.

He was a giver,
   he gave and he gave,
      warm bodies were comfort,
          even if they cost a good cent.
They were takers,
     they took and took,
         until nothing was left,
             even if they knew it was wrong.
Both sides played the same song,
   until, he became ill,
     he begged and begged,  
        for salvation,  
           only to meet damnation,
              stormy sky's formed,
                "lift me up"
                    "𝒹❁𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝑒"
                        the sky laughed mockingly,
                             he was alone.
                                 sky's cleared,
                                      he lay,
                                         naked,
                                           defeated,
                                              alone.
They wore black,
    They cried out their souls,
        Warm bodies called out his name,
            that's all he wanted,
               but it falls on deaths ears.

Making love with the lights off,
  voices surround me once more. . .
      . . . fat. . .
           . . . round. . .
               . . . small. . .
I am yours,
  but hide me from me
     keep the lights off
       let me feel beautiful
         before these voices tear me down once more. . .

-ʟɪɢʜᴛꜱ ᴏꜰꜰ

I traveled the world,
       got three degrees,
         with a fancy title to not skip the beat,
yet I long for yesterday. . .
   not a dollar to our name,
       a 99 cent burger and a coke was our tiramisu,
        full of sweaty palms that gripped reassurance.

what a cruel game life plays. . .
  I'd give up everything to my name,
     only to be laughed, scoffed, and told
           to give up the stars. . .
                in this never ending cruel fate.

I'd give up my life to see those ardent eyes,
  only to be reminded of the coward I am
     not able to let go
         & be with you once more. . .

Forgive me lover,
as I pen this regret. . .

-ʀᴇɢʀᴇᴛ

The smell of salt and butter
    under endless sea of lights,
       lost in their own right
         under the sound
           of a movie about true love,
two hands meet in the darkness,
      What is this sharpness in my heart?
         Please take it for a second,
                  help me ƒì× ìէ
.

5 a.m., off to work
6 a.m., huffs and puffs I am running late
8 a.m., mundane calls
10 a.m, mundane lunch
12 a.m., longing for it to to be 8 p.m.
tick, tock, tick, tock
hours and mintues pass
only to repeat again tomorrow.

He loses his beauty,
loses his grace,
loses his wit,
until he is no more,
until there is nothing left to pick.
He gives freely, begging the sky for grace.
But he is confined to hell, all in the name of those he loves.
Time does not forgive.

The pain begins tonight,
unimaginable torture of my own mental design,
   left under an imaginary starry sky,
    warm desert breeze, smell of rotten pine.
       my melancholy turns in your hand,
          lift me up, raise me up,
             help me become stronger.
                Let the sun, drip and fill the honey in my eye.
                   & take me out of this darkness.
                           𝓈𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝑒, 𝒽𝑒𝓁𝓅 𝓂𝑒 𝓇𝒾𝓈𝑒

My heart drifting in your longing,
yearning for my time to come around, to meet deaths cold sweet embrace.

I miss you.

Little girl
   In this world
     You only live to serve. .  .

- it may never change-

You have such a bright mind,
     to live among such ignorant fool..

the irony of life,
we come from dust and bone,
     only to die from bone to dust.
in a shared cycle.

-IᖇOᑎY

ℌ𝔢 𝔫𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔯 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔯𝔢𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫
no goodbyes, no words uttered
Yet, all I could wonder . . .
   is how I stand on my feet?

"me"
"me"
"me"

    I'm sorry lover. . .
I know see your mistake.

8th of August 2012

My dear sweet friend,
my heart should be raging unrelenting, but its full of tepid waves.
   I feel listless as in endless sleep in my mothers womb,
      and yet I ask why?
          self-sacrifice met with betrayal.
a heart so broken,
the very essence of my soul weeps.
    I lay, ever so wide-awake, the silent darkness,
        a reminder, I am alone.

So why my sweet friend,
     do I not curse them,
        wish ill will,
               bad health,
                  or even death?

for when did I become weak. . .

▌│█║▌║▌║ ฬεά𝐤 ║▌║▌║█│▌

"why do you always cry"

maybe. .  just maybe. .
I am an emotional wreck,
  who cried on the bathroom floor,
    for love and loss and turned into a fragile core.


maybe. . just maybe. .
  earth is my purgatory,
    an endless mirage of torment and misery
      that is deserved for when I chose you,
        I left him.
          and the words I said to him,
             " I love you"
                 became . . .
𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕

Little Brown Bird,
   in the clutches of your design,
      free your cage
           & ƒ𝐋𝐲

What little hope was left,
   was gone, both the body and mind
       throne into an endless ᶜ𝔥σ𝐀Ｓ of disarray
           you said be calm,
               but where is the calm to my breaking heart,
                   where is the calm to its torturous bombs,
       each explosion a contortion of emotions, happiness, memory
                "be still my heart, please"
                       where is the calmness when I blame you,
                              when you a dream becomes a mistake
                     "be still my heart"
                           take me with him,
where is the calm, when you closed your eyes like the comet that no longer burns?
     "take me with you"
           for I am weak,
                 I am nothing,
                   I am not me,
                      without,
                             you!

Let me tell you
   About a little boy
      who played house. .
         baked cookies
           dreamed of a family
              while wearing a dress. . .
Let me tell you
      About a little boy
         who ran
           from a group of boys
             blood splatted clothes
               while wearing a dress. . .
Let me tell you
         about a little boy
           who at 5
             said " I don't want to live anymore"
                holding himself at night
                  while wearing a dress. . .

This world is cruel,
   we crave love,
      we crave compassion
         only to find indifference.

That little boy was me.

Endless blue,
sweet endless blue. . .
salt in the air, waves wave "hello"
tranquil cloudlessness, driving down the "American road"
Singing the blues.

10 fingers intertwine,
morning coffee on the breath.
no need to ask,
for deep down,
" I love you" flashes on the imaginary marquee. .  .

Grey,
endless dreariness. .
The smell of rain and mildew in the air. . .
the sheets, yell "goodnight"
Tranquil silence, staying in "our home"
feeling so blue. . .

2 heartbeat diverge and become 1,
morning sunlight through dusty blinds,
no need to ask,
for deep down,
I know you are gone. .  .

-2 ʜᴇᴀʀᴛʙᴇᴀᴛꜱ

Pop. . . a pill falls to the floor,
Buspirone. . . what a funny name.
Ardent images burn into flesh,
    love;
long lost.
    feelings;
of dread and a monster on the back.

Doctor says accept be inure of this life.
   but,
strangers do not fill the void,
passionless nights provide pleasure not comfort.
    let me dream;
       of my love in a constant state of Euphoria.
wallow;
   in my own delusion.
touch;
  on my skin
kiss;
  on my lips

I don't want to live another day,
so let me live in mental solitude
    clinging to a delusional love
       of false epiphanies.

-Epiphanies

I am the product,
  of a lover who could not love,
    a poet who could not write,
       people who could not live,
          a human who was inhumane.

I am a product,
   made. . .
      fake. . .
       & his greatest mistake. . .

-ⓟⓡⓞⓓⓤⓒⓣ