As he leaves, he takes his memory.
His ways of being, his current of emotions,
His sweet honeydew smell, his way of being goodbye
and never.

Still nights, the superficial,
,
Without noticing you went from him,
to it, to a thing.
polished thing.
Falling, slipping
crying, sweet anguish thing.
Sweet thing, trapped in captivity of the entrails,
of the knot already forever binded,
blinded from the sobbing, you lose yourself
sweet thing.

Until one day, another stops the pain.
Stops it, and reduces it to an annoying
voice, a mysterious touch, to a resurfaced polish.
Offered, given, taken,
sweet thing the hidden loneliness all but awaits,
you fail to feel its quake as you play the game again.

"I love you"
"Don't go"
"Stay"
"Well work it out"

Words, hiding the crack , in our curated facade.
Longing for love, hearing the echoes of the space between,
I long for those words, in my empty eyes, this silent plea,
I beg you, say something,
anything, make me love you again.
make us love one another again.

Individualization
                              is praised
                                         instagrammers become the plato of the day
                               But did you ever see yourself
for you are just meat like me.


When did we lose sight of importance.

If I rip apart your perfect veneer,
   Disembowel its beauty,
      behind the peering darkness,
          lies a garden, with a fountain of lust
              for all you are,
                  all you will be,
                     is an imaginary object,
                          that is all you give,
                               all I get,
                                  want,
                        ­              & [̲̅N][̲̅e][̲̅e][̲̅d].

Rosemary Citrus, the scent of you clings, a shroud
of broken promises, whispered words of appeasement.
Your mouth, a strawberry, ripe upon the tongue,
sweet, smooth and beautiful, but this tune is already played out.

Your touch, a bitter sun that burned away the cold.
Your voice, a violent vine that ensnares my heart.
The memories, untamed, phantom limbs of pain.
"you need to lose weight", "you don't try hard enough", "stop complaining".

Save me , break me from you roots that hold me down.
Let me feel the fire again, as I am burning alive.
Embrace me in his grace, his fire, his warmth, that burns you away.
So go, sweet young love from yesterday.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
but I choose to love myself.

115 degree days of misery,
  under larger than life palm trees.
    Sipping a cold crying can of coke.
       oversized sunglasses by the community pool,
          I hope they hide my gaze.
              lust at first sight, ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴇʀ at a glance.

8 Billion Souls in this world,
I continue to choose what god took away.
Longing for the day we meet again.

I am sustained in you,
  your words penetrate the darkest caverns of my soul,
        your being is the vertigo of my fantasy,
           I fall at your knees, and drink from your springs,
                your very essence fills me,
                       an endless reminder of my fear,
                                my loss of breath,
                                            for I am sustained in you,
                                                         I hesitate, to let this dream end.
& I know this wanting of belonging,
    is a reflection of me onto you,
        but yet in the silence,
             my soul cries for you!
                    my sweet 𝓃𝒾𝓇𝓋𝒶𝓃𝒶

At the feet
   Beg.
Oran and cry
Be afraid.

Grab on
  don't let go
take flight
  into the light
love unconditionally

Weep. .
  find mercy. .
and kiss. . .
his feet. . .

forgive us. .
forgive me. .
forgive them. .

Take my life
  feel the heat
as it radiates and leaves. . .
let my heart become theirs.
  Atone once more for their sins. .
--take me to the promise land--

The smell of salt and butter
    under endless sea of lights,
       lost in their own right
         under the sound
           of a movie about true love,
two hands meet in the darkness,
      What is this sharpness in my heart?
         Please take it for a second,
                  help me ƒì× ìէ
.

Let me tell you
   About a little boy
      who played house. .
         baked cookies
           dreamed of a family
              while wearing a dress. . .
Let me tell you
      About a little boy
         who ran
           from a group of boys
             blood splatted clothes
               while wearing a dress. . .
Let me tell you
         about a little boy
           who at 5
             said " I don't want to live anymore"
                holding himself at night
                  while wearing a dress. . .

This world is cruel,
   we crave love,
      we crave compassion
         only to find indifference.

That little boy was me.

Begged on the knees with no lack of humiliation,
   cried and yells of indignity
        looking up I saw your face
                 - mortification.

please don't leave.
     please fix me.
           find the faults,
                 fix the cracks,
                   patch the crumbling walls,

I said "please fix me"
  only to hear  "you need to fix yourself"
    

-ɪᴛ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ɪᴛꜱ ᴍᴇ

I'm tired of waiting,
with my arms empty in embrace,
of my eager heart yearning to hold you,
I thought about those delights of the days and nights.
Fictitious thoughts of true love the heart that longs.

it's so easy to love someone,
when that person does not love you,
   He will mock you,
        He will use you,
            He will leave you disgusted,
              & broken too.
                But, its so easy to love him.

It's so hard to love someone,
  when that person loves you.
    He will cherish you,
        He will support you,
          He will leave you happy,
            & ecstatic too.
               But, yet its so hard to love him.

-ʍąʂօçհìʂէ

We are born
    to misery
To love, to lose, and to die.
      That is life. . .
          

-Interesting

Life is a chasm of dark solitude,
   my dear eternal love,
        I wish with my all heart,
            to close my eyes,
                 and meet in a sweet embrace.
                       for this pain is unforgettable,
                             I lose myself to a sea of my emotions,
                                               I drown in tears and sorrow,
Yet life is cruel,
    when I lose my breath,
       it pulls me up in a state of melancholy,
          I mourn, I mourn, and mourn
            in this punishment of damnation
               to live in solitude, longing for death
                       a death which does not come
                            so we can love once more.
                                my dear 𝑒𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓁💮𝓋𝑒

Let me trace your body
     more than air,
            more than water,
                  beauty that is divine
the day is leaving
       night is to come

time becomes a figuration,
   an ornament of a mesmerized fool,
         hypnotized,
           forever lost in your thought

You found the hidden meadow,
enveloped in its fragrance.

So handsome, dark and tall.
Intoxicating thoughts that swirl the mind.

Please, soul don't weep.
for he is my moon, the stars and my king.

My heart is racing,
My arms are shaking,
Please set me free, for you belong to another.
So please, set me free,
let me be, free.

The sky is brighter today, the air smells different.
Free of the stale promises, the flowers bloom a new path
unburdened by the weight of your lies and games.

No longer a ghoul, that haunts me in our own home.
No more whispers, no more glares,
No longer feeling the disappointment in my actions.

Life is a rainbow of multiple colors,
bursting from the clouded storm,
that shrouded my laughter, my forgotten melody re-learned

This is my time, this is my dance,
My spotlight, your words "it's over" guides me,
To draw myself ( loving myself), a masterpiece in progress,
you broke me, stripped me, caused me to hide,
but no longer, I am living for me,
I have the right to live life,
the right to be happy,
the right to live without you.

Citrus, rosemary and peppermint (from the hot chocolate you hate)
under the Christmas lights (of the mall you hated),
these memories, push them out.

Our laughter at your stupid jokes ( I hated),
stolen glances, and a given kiss,
amongst the cold outdoor desert air.

Poets of passion,
writing stories of love on our skin,
a language of desire and longing.

Your ink forever stains my heart,
a reminder, that I am not happy,
that I am not good enough,
that I am forever mourning.

My heart which longs to fickle,
it longs to belong, someday, find another.
Yet it is chained, with a fragile ember,
amongst your ink that stains it.
That refuses to die, that you are alive,
you are breathing, you are here, you never left.
( I hate myself)
(I hate myself)
(I am a fool)
I wish to hear your stupid joke, "what did the horse say. . ." (what a stupid joke) once more.

I am the ocean,
under raging storms of my,
mental disorder

-Ocean

Forgive me I am broken,
     I throw myself in strangers arms,
            for warmth?
                  for love?
                      for happiness?
Forgive me for being profoundly hopeless,
   for if love is a game, I ****.
      They took him from me,
         no green mushrooms to bring him back,
              no rainbow stars,
                     hard, cold, reality.
Forgive me for it does not hurt when a stranger 🄻🄴🄰🅅🄴🅂

Barefoot, on the concrete porch.
Quiet smiles and loving eyes.
We were young, dumb, but not naive.
Finding solace in one another's embrace,
yearning for love, but knowing its only lust.
For a second we built a world within this lie,
quiet understanding youthful truce.
we loved for a second in time,
amidst the ordinary beauty of life's simple refrains,
you kissed me goodbye, "I'll call you later", that was a life.
We both knew, our love was ardent and fast,
a refuge from the storm of solitude.

the irony of life,
we come from dust and bone,
     only to die from bone to dust.
in a shared cycle.

-IᖇOᑎY

Our love a vibrant tapestry of love and whispered promises,
painted black, consumed by the anguish in my heart.
this dull ache that blooms in my chest,
that rips and cracks at my ribs,
the truth, pushes my facade.
I am not okay, those instagram photos, its not me, thats not okay.
But there is not a world where we don't collide,
where our souls diverge,
the truth, reverberates through this longing soul,
you're better without me,
don't stay, don't fight it, run, take your things. . .
I'll be okay, I'll love you forever,
that is why I am giving up this fight,
let there be one fool in a broken love. . . so please live.

My heart is a lighthouse,
   each beat a cut in the endless human sea,
      a cut, in the grandeur of the dreary sky,
          it spins, and spins,
             each Ƥùl𝓈є full of light,
               until with time it fades,
                    a reminder,
                        of longing,
                             belonging,
                                 wanting,
                                     yet fulfilled.

Cool aloof desert breeze,
  million needle stings on dry scared skin,
    tells the tale of many heartbreaks.
      Seasons change, but love is not profound.

Unfiltered sand scrapes futile eyes,
     waiting on a field of dead frozen grass,
          a fool chases hearts
                fixing what is missing
                         only to cry once more.

"it must be the unrelenting desert sand. . "
   " it must be the cool desert breeze. . . "
                   "he loves me"

just a fool chasing hearts in a frost dying world
    waiting
             waiting
                    waiting
                           imagining
                                   that
                                       "he loves me"

-𝔇𝔢𝔰𝔢𝔯𝔱 𝔟𝔯𝔢𝔢𝔷𝔢

Lights, marquees,
  3.5 million people
unpleasant smog, glass buildings
twinkle like night stars.

Cigarette smoke
  gin on the rocks
a lone over aged woman sings in the night
dry exhausted lips, underpaid dress

what is there to love
   when you let yourself go
      and now sit alone. . .

Clinging to a rosary,
    I am but a devout fool.
idolizing a false pretense,
    for alone in the world. . .
I cling to false prophets in hopes,
   of knowing a feeling like the one between you and me.

Alone in this world,
I am a fool,
devout,
in love,
alone. . . .

Alone

Across the room, you smile.
Hand in hand with your child,
her arm locked around yours, eyes bright full of gold.
"what a beautiful family" someone comments.

But I know the darkness, the hidden, the bad dream.
The tears, the echo in your soul,
that screams as you're trapped.

Their joy is built, on your pain.
Each step you take to run away, each memory that pulls you back.
The deceit, the despair, the life you built.
Your own punishment for pushing away what we both know.

Jealous filled eyes,
     walls that spoke,
         they took my career,
              made me rethink my life,
                      "was it worth it"
                        "am I worth it"
unanswered questions,
  piece by piece,
    the wolves of my own unrelating depredation
      left pieces of a foolish kind soul,
but a shattered heart
    can be taped
       over and over again
            so I say  " I am me"
                with pride.

d̶̮͎̐̔̏ë̸̢̢̤͎́ṕ̵̢͚̘̟̝̣͓̰̤̺͂̎͊͝ṛ̴̨̃̆̾ȩ̷͈̳̐̚d̷͉͍̯̃͋̔ͅa̶͛̌́̿̃͊̍­̢̻̥̻͎̲́̈́́ṭ̵̡̰̻͎̤̦̫̯̀̐̽̽͜į̸̱͉̖̱̯̹̹̱̓̒̂̐̔̂̿̎͋̚o̸̡͎̙̖̯̣̯̺̬͗̍͊̄̎̇n̶­̩̝̼͛̌

I am the product,
  of a lover who could not love,
    a poet who could not write,
       people who could not live,
          a human who was inhumane.

I am a product,
   made. . .
      fake. . .
       & his greatest mistake. . .

-ⓟⓡⓞⓓⓤⓒⓣ

Little girl
   In this world
     You only live to serve. .  .

- it may never change-

You have such a bright mind,
     to live among such ignorant fool..

When I was young I prayed for love. . .
    Martini filled nights under deceitful stars. . .
        Lost myself night after night to a strangers touch.
lived for the night. . .
      Thought I was living life. . .

Time does not stop,
    nor does it forgive,
          age took its toll and now I am forever alone.
                . . .   I looked for love in the wrong places  . . .
                                        If only I knew. . .
-Looking for love-

Perfect overhanging telephone cable shoes,
mocking under a desert breeze,
   torn ***** chucks that leave their mark,
           on a dark tapestry full of imagination.

Counting pennies in a stream,
children hypnotized by lovely tunes,
   desperately trying to buy scribblers for they come in two,
      two beautiful pops of multiple hues,
          dancing in synchrony,
                only to be ripped part,
                   under the desert breeze.

you were my scribbler. . .
  such a sweet memory,
     of two souls in a romantic setting,
           if only I had known,
                 I would say goodbye. . .

-ѕ¢яιввℓєя

People are beautiful. . .
    
    Cities burn,
       I was five and he was forty-three.
     Bang!
       What an awful sound. . .

People are beautiful. . .

Piano Keys & Harps,
     Gluttonous Pigs.
Crash!
     Children starve!


People are ugly,
  - truth.

Why is there shame?
    Why do we adopt a different tongue?
        Why do we call ourselves "ghetto not from this nation"

While Abuela rolls in her grave
  Each wrinkle a reminder of our greatness
      Each reminder  a moment of greatness once passed.

Do we call ourselves American to fit in?
   How do we face Montezuma,
      Our nation suffers and burns,
          Devils demonize
              Children Cry
                 Separated from mothers arms
                    In the name of Freedom!


So why is there shame?
    The rain a reminder of a tears of a once great nation
        Pillaged and burn our bodies became the bridge
          Our hands built this empire
             Our people yet are still slaves.

Where is the shame?
     Mother speaks in broken English
        Families laugh and our culture continues. . .

Stolen land, tears, indigenous **** time does not erase.
Nor should it erase our ANGER
But our people preach love not hate.
Once more we are beneath the masters boot.
Modern Day Slaves

But there is no shame,
for our culture exists,
even after the destruction of our once great state.

What little hope was left,
   was gone, both the body and mind
       throne into an endless ᶜ𝔥σ𝐀Ｓ of disarray
           you said be calm,
               but where is the calm to my breaking heart,
                   where is the calm to its torturous bombs,
       each explosion a contortion of emotions, happiness, memory
                "be still my heart, please"
                       where is the calmness when I blame you,
                              when you a dream becomes a mistake
                     "be still my heart"
                           take me with him,
where is the calm, when you closed your eyes like the comet that no longer burns?
     "take me with you"
           for I am weak,
                 I am nothing,
                   I am not me,
                      without,
                             you!

To my bright heart.

i'm sorry,
for the way i let you linger,
in solitude,
of their indifference.

sorry for the nights,
i ignored your cries,
chasing circles,
like I always do,
of unreturned affection.

forgive me,
for handing your warmth,
to hands that broke it.

i should have loved you better,
i'll take this pain and turn it into something better
for both of us, i promise
I'm loving me. . .
this time and forever.

Echo:
I'm learning to love,
I'm lost, each moment plays in my head,
we made memories together, now you became one.
with the whisper of longing, the rustle of the soul,
I hear your echo in my heart everyday.

Star:
I'm learning to love,
I'm lost, each moment plays in my head,
we made memories together, now you became one.
A shooting star, ardent, bright, shimmering amongst the depravity of my own insanity. Shooting, instant, gone.

Silence:
I'm learning to love,
I'm lost, each moment plays in my head,
we made memories together, now you became one.
This silence in thoughts, kills me, it eats me up.
I yearn for your voice, I yearn for you to say "It's okay",
I yearn for your touch, I yearn for you.

Echo's, Stars & Silence
Every word, reminds me of you,
Every sound, every sight, everything.
Save me, save me, save me,
please, let me free,
let me love again, just say one thing.

You left me lying,
    on a patch of grass,
       like a cow grazing naked, dead , violated.
but in that moment,
   you freed me of fear,
        you made me strong,
            needing nothing to hold myself up.
                free of gravity, free of chains
                  In that moment you taught me to believe in "me"


ironic the lessons we learn.

Poetic ineptitude,
Stolen words, are not just words.
    Each word is a moment,
         Each minute a moment of longing, touch and smell.
            Each sense is the tale of a past lover, friend and family. . .

words without substance,
      are just words. . .

- 𝓹𝓸𝓮𝓽𝓲𝓬 𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓽𝓾𝓭𝓮

Corks off,
  and the night has just begun
    insecurities dissipate,
        glass after glass,
            think of you my dear friend,

two boys,
  a love of soccer,
    kicking and screaming
      under the burning desert breeze.

Two teens,
      with problems larger than the world,
          one cool,
             the other forgotten,
                 yet you stayed,
                     and I ****** again.

Eighteen,
    I found him,
        rubbed it in your face,
            yet you stayed

Twenty three,
    he left,
      I cried,
        you picked me up,
          after each glass
            only to find beration and condemnation.
              you stayed
                 I left. . .

Twenty Six
  one last puff,
      one last drink
         only to retrace my steps
           "I'm sorry"
              silence
                I love my only friend.

please don't leave me
I need you
I need you
please f̶o̶r̶g̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶

8th of August 2012

My dear sweet friend,
my heart should be raging unrelenting, but its full of tepid waves.
   I feel listless as in endless sleep in my mothers womb,
      and yet I ask why?
          self-sacrifice met with betrayal.
a heart so broken,
the very essence of my soul weeps.
    I lay, ever so wide-awake, the silent darkness,
        a reminder, I am alone.

So why my sweet friend,
     do I not curse them,
        wish ill will,
               bad health,
                  or even death?

for when did I become weak. . .

▌│█║▌║▌║ ฬεά𝐤 ║▌║▌║█│▌

With Anger!
    He tried to silence her song!
        In fear of his own timidity. . .
               But her song is carried,
                   In an endless river of life,
                       No matter the blows, the yells, the punches. . .
    His voice is like thunder on midsummer eve, it comes, and it goes.
                               But the river is eternal,
                                     It breaks off into endless streams,
                                               Thus, it continues to sing.

Within this sea, I find myself lost,
a lone ship, sailing across the tumultuous waves of my heart,
waves of passion, that break my hull.
Whispering confusion and discord, a sirens act.

I long to take the plunge, let its darkness and depths envelope.
To explore what could be, what is already taking place,
But my brain, the past trauma, and experiences anchor me down,
whisper of past flames, that sow doubt, that I cannot escape.

Therefore, I push you away, and choose this desolate place,
above your seas, my heart yearns for you, but this fear
keeps me from drowning into you,
I want to take the leap of love,
but these chains of a past flame hold me at bay,

I stand on the edge,
longing in desolate perpetude,
torn between the leap, and staying afloat,
to risk my hear again, or stay safe, longing in this solitude.

Sweet melancholy,
   falling and not getting up,
                   trying to succeed,
                           to find yourself loving alone,  
                                   fight but here the sad news,

Sweet melancholy,
  when you lose your hair,
           angered at the world,
             fight, fight, fight only to find yourself alone,
                                                                       you hold it in. . .
                                      
Let me hold your hand,
   Let me in, Let me hold you.
       I promise to learn from my mistakes,
                                                       to get better,
                                                          to love you more. .  .

Sweet melancholy,
           ardent smiles set,
               tears of rain that stream the soul,
                                       you want to be alone. . .
                                                   volcanic eruptions of anger and rage. . .
Sweet melancholy,
I lost something I can't replace,
                                close my eyes. . .
                                         take me under the endless stars,  
                                               ignite the heavens in my sleep,
to a place where we can call "home" together once more.

- S͎w͎e͎e͎t͎ ͎M͎e͎l͎a͎n͎c͎h͎o͎l͎y͎

I cried and cried,
   & the bird sang to me,
I cried and cried
   & the sun dripped his warm nectar onto me
I cried and cried
   & the moon with its endless reminder of beauty mocked me
So I dried my eyes,
  & laid in a quilt of grass
      in earthen sheets
         I went to sleep and forget,
              until I cry 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃.