This is the point, isn't it? To write you a truth that you won't ever read, or want to, for that matter. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish you would.

Reason number one that I quite possibly loved you; I was lonely, and you were not. You were having conversations with all these girls and could easily not be bored. You weren't dull and you brought taste back into waking up, and eating normally became a thing.

Reason number two consisted of you making me feel important; even though, I already knew that I was. I have a lot going for me and I was constantly working towards it. I wanted my future and then you wanted to be a part of it. I chose to let you. Then you started to not "allow" me to have that future.

Reason number three was that you loved kids. But not more then me.

Reason number four; Love is not a reason nor does it have reason. It was not love.

But I do love myself, even if you didn't, or don't. And I have a future, and will continue towards it regardless of whether or not you are in it.

And one, last thing. I didn't need you. I wanted you. And love is nothing, if not a choice to keep the conversation going. Love was the fight you left in the middle of, the one where I kept pleading you to come back and talk. You never came back, but I kept talking.

(A Thousand-Mile Poem by JAC and JAB)

I went hunting for history
between the walls of a house.
Peeking through its windows
in case its eyes went without.

I was collecting the shadows
from shelves under his eyes.
The storage room was full,
his heart heavy with lies

*Archive mind afloat with mystery
Memories and history
Saving me a seat
At the back of the library.

I don't know how
I didn't notice the whites
Of your eyes-no longer white,
Beginning to turn the red color
Of every t-shirt I've ever worn to sleep
And I bet that you were sleepy in the seven
Seconds that I took the picture of you, the last one.
The picture of the seventh second that I knew you were peaceful.
More peaceful then I'll ever be.

The greatest perhaps is wondering why I am letting myself lose you so slowly in memories, in messages, in your sweater..
When I could lose you all at once
Wouldn't it be less painful that way?..
But then I might forget you..and the second greatest perhaps is wondering if I can lose you.

Maybe we plucked it
instead of letting it grow

I grew up too fast
And now I want to fall in love slowly

I keep closing my eyes, thinking time
Will pass faster if I'm not watching
Putting my hands over my face
Then peeking through my fingers
Like a child
Still scared of what's to come

The truth is that
   I can't write you back
   You won't call for my grasp
     No matter how many pencils
        I leave next to my nightstand I
           Can't draw you back to my side .

23 cracks in her stone skin of opal

It was some night, some strangers in a park
and he knelt down , his eyes shining with rain pouring from his eyes and she,
beaming from some hidden sun
as words dribbled from her lips
she said
**Yes

I don't know what it's like to trip unless  I'm literally stumbling..
I guess I've never been anything but scared to try these things and let them take me.
Would I still be the same..think the same..feel the same?..
What does it even feel like?..
I imagine its like holding a baby for the first time..and letting its soft new head cradle in the crook of your arms..
IF I was ever close to high it would be hearing his voice for the first time..it would be shaking and shaking and hands not being able to  write letters or lips forming words
The first time sitting next to him and talking for hours on some wooden bench
A boy once carved my name into his arm and let it stay there and later I found out he went on some acid trip-trip-trip tripping he was never clumsy before he met me
But I guess we all fall for something sometime or some other
this time some other girl and later some other guy
But I fell up for the first time
I started writing right-to-left
I started being intoxicated at the hint of the truth
I let him touch my hair and hold my hand in the seat of some bus
I let another tell me I was always the color of sunsets
and so I started watching sunsets
the same sunsets I drew when I was 5  for my grandmother who, when she died
was buried facing the West so she could watch the sun fall as I was falling
Falling up for some new guy who never let me down
Or..would. And  I would not care
Because the sight of him is clouds when I would run in rain
He has me higher then the ferris wheel  from California, Santa Monica Peer, New Years night 2015
I've never been so high as the first time he whispered my name across the state at midnight