It's ok
I know someday
I'm gonna be with you

Its so hard to leave the house today
Its so hard to feel good today
Its so hard to give a **** today
Its so hard to fake a smile today

My throat ached at 4 in the morning
Tossing and turning
You are in every single one of my dreams
On drugs throughout the night and day
Until I closed my eyes, aching
I felt so free at the time
Not sleeping a wink at night
Snuggling dear friends
Discussing now and then
I thought we were everything.

I guess I was so wrong
And thats what hurts most of all
But everyone cheers and chants:
You are so very strong.
Better without him
And its true
But I wish I didn't have to leave my room
I could just kiss goodbye
To what we had, what I thought we were
And what we turned out not to be
I imagine you must be working right now
Making up your cocktail recipes
Rattling and yapping
At anyone who will listen
My God, I tried.


I really did.
But there is no world in which
You metamorph
There is no world in which
I become the girl you wanted me to be
Because I am all woman
Its not even that I'm lonely
Or long to be with you still
I just wanted you to be more man.

Aching and contemplating
I wish I felt more motivated today
Everything a chore, just get me through this week
I wish I could go back to dancing so freely in front of a mirror
But I now have that beautiful memory
Within me
And it wasn't because of you
It wasn't because of any man
I just gave myself permission
To be exactly who I am.

i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried