I want to bleed till I’m dry.
Never cry so hard again and just drown forever.

Be a corpse swallowed by the sand soaked by the rain.

Not like the sand that burned.
But let me crawl into the earth.

Walk through tunnels till I’m out.
Ready to fly, away from where my dead body lies deep.

There's a lot going on with a lot of people.
A lot of people that I love.
And me.
There's a lot I want to do.
Instead I try my best to listen and burn a candle.
I tell some how brave they are.
And strong.
Inside I cry, think no one deserves this tension, terror, helplessness.
I get a group hug from my spirit guides.
I raise my hands up to the sky.
I sing a song.
Trying to be in the moment.
Loving, embracing.
The good things in life.
The contact, the connection, affection.
Come get that embrace.
I'll send it out as well.
Walking and singing being one with nature.
We're in this together.
I want to tell my friends: you're not alone.
You're never alone.
Warrior, soldier, viking.
You're divine, amazing, you can do it.
ALWAYS.
But it hurts.
So bad.
But you're a badass.
The fire burns inside your eyes.
The waves of your power go high.
You fly with your wing spread out wide.
The wind is with you.
So is the sky, the universe which you're a part of.
You're never alone.
EVER.
There's a lot going on with a lot of people in this world.
But it never lasts.
And nothing is important.
Only what we are.
INSIDE.
I try my best to be in the moment and burn a candle.

If I don't cry hysterically, the migraine will come.
A swirl of blocks and bricks of pain is brightly moving through my sight.
So I listen to my heart and body while slightly moving them into another direction.
Just because I don't deserve to cry over somebody that's telling lies.
I had the strength to move through life because you gave me a reason.
Now I move to try to escape the pain.
I'm not moving on, I'm fighting on as always.
But I don't want to do it all by myself no more.
I'm feeling too old for that now and why should I have to?
There's no reason left to do so anymore since the 8 days that I'm waiting.
Waiting for nothing.
Because the truth came out and it's too late to try to make it right.
Cause you are not sorry, it turns out.
So I'm waiting for a reason that turned out to be a lie.

I’ll be my own witch mother.
Telling myself that I’m only allowed to be upset when all hope dies and nothing is alright.
Only then I can run to the half dead place and scream.
Curse the day that I was born and the days I didn’t die but really tried.

Gently she whispers as I cry:
Have tea, hold on, trust the situation now.
If you can’t and get betrayed, you may still run.
As fast as you can, cry as loud as you must, as determined as ever.
But before that you must wait and see if it’s possible to pull through.

Hold on longer, even longer.
Fight alone but with this whisper in your ear.
Whispers from your own witch mother, gently blowing these words at you.
Guiding you through the torturing night......
Again.

Cause there’s something important that needs for you to stay.
Something truely beautiful waiting as well.
You must stay.
You will stay.
You will hold on.
You can.

It will be done.
It shall as it must.
And it will through the tears, through the pain, through the suffering.
You know it never fully broke your spirit.

Even though it always kept on killing, breaking, shattering, destroying everything for you.
You kept creating a new way.
You can again.
And if not you’re allowed to run, be upset and cause a storm.

There's no doubt, you're gonna break.
Your body, your mind, your heart.
And two very broken people don't become a whole part together.
Usually it's very complicated.

But they understand.
We're all going to break and we all need to find our way.
When you feel completely broken, just hold on because you got noting to lose.

Easier said than done and nobody really seems to understand how far it has gone.
Out of hand and beyond repair.
But there's a way and a beauty that you carry inside.

A beautiful broken person full of cracks.
Bursting from love and sorrow.

But so powerful.
Knowing it has nothing to lose and still keeps on fighting.
You're going to break.

Maybe more than others and many people won't understand.
Only you will know the way.
The way you break.
The way to go on.
With or without other broken people.
You will love and break and continue to love.

Maybe even break so hard that there's no way out but only in death or dying over and over.
And people will not understand.
But they will see your ''crazy'' smile like you're saying: I've been through it all, and I'm still continuing.

And you do it because you can.
For yourself and because of the love for others and things that can make you feel better.
You're a fighter.
And you will break completely.

Everything of you and everything you like.
And you get up and rise with the power you gained from the knowledge of love and pain.
Bursting, erupting, flying and screaming.
Nothing to lose.
Still fighting.

Till the very end, till there's nothing left for you inside and outside to use in your fight.
And then you leave with a smile cause you can.
You can finally say: It's over now.

You didn't lose, you gave everything and have done everything you had to.
Then it's time to go.

Two broken people don't become whole until they both are gone.
Until they both are whole.
And they meet again.
In their new found form.

When it's time to go.
And you're ready to leave.
Leaving with a smile cause you can.
Then you can finally say: It's over now.

Recurring nightmares.
Not in my sleep.
Wish I could sleep.
Sleep it away.
Be comfy.
Be ok with life.
Fighting some more.
Too much again.
Through the next few days and nights.
Hopefully without too much damage.

Last night was a disaster.
The morning a mess.
Too much went wrong.
Damaged my clothes, washed them too hot at half past 5 am.
Because sleeping wasn't an option.
Thinking is not happening.
Just doing, just doing, always just having to do, be this.
Being in this world, being like this.
Feeling so **** uncomfortable!

Loving too **** much to let go.
But we cannot sleep together.
We cannot make each other happy in the long run.
Just moments.
Moments where you come to me, I come to you.
Giving each other strength and love.
So strong.
Everything ***** but love is so strong.
I just realised most of my friends are around 60 years old.
Who will survive who?

Naturally I will survive most likely.
I don't want to, so I know my fate again, I'm not going to be left behind.
But I'll try to stay and only care for the now.
Live now if you can call it that at all.
In the moment where I keep falling in love.
With love for you all.
Love heals for a moment, love takes you away.
Like music and magic.
Naturally, spiritually.
It's all inside of me, the agony, the pain and the joy.
But now let me sleep.....

I've been holding my breath for too long.
Even with my eyes closed it's exhausting.
Just hold my body in the ocean.
I know it's just the ocean, I know it's just me lying.....

It's cold and exhausting.
Always restless, always a mess, my mess, my own.
I'm falling alone.
I'm singing on my own.

Even though I walk outside.
Even when I have a friend.
I love you but I'm swimming, flying and falling here.
All alone every night and day.

Even when you grab my hand.
I'm in this body all alone.
I have nobody else to hold it for me here.
I pretend to fly when I'm outside.
It sounds like I am, the birds sure seem to think I'm one of them.
Together we're screaming.
But I'm still here on the ground.
Curling up so heavily.

The ground may just send a little wave all the way to where you live.
Can you feel it?
If you can't feel me now or understand me, I might as well leave completely.

When people mean well and try to give advise it bothers me.
Sometimes I get angry, you don't know.
You don't get how it feels even though you're hurting too.
Just hold this body, hopefully it will feel right this time.
I still want to love.
Choose love.

Let it calm me.
Just hold on to it.
Love around here feels so blurry.
It doesn't fit inside.
Not inside this heavy broken piece that is me in here.
Cracking every day and night.

Maybe you can just hold me like a gem again.
I could be flickering all over.
All over you.
Spread me out and throw me in the sky.
I won't feel so heavy.

The sand is sparkly, holding my body.
The ocean just pushed me back to the land.
I've been holding my breath for too long.
Even with my eyes closed it's exhausting.

I'm just sitting here staring.
Sometimes eating.
Feeling too heavy.
I force myself to move every day.

Just hold me.
So I don't feel so heavy.
When you hold me.
I don't feel so heavy.

In the evening when I'm so alone, solo.
I know it's over already.
Cause I'm never living anymore for so long.

Now finally there's a pill to take but it takes time.
Actually dying, I've tried it before.
Done the irreversible acts, so I thought.

But this time I will know for sure.
It takes time though.
It takes more before, more different pills.
All alone, so alone, solo.

Somehow I can't.
Should I die singing?
I'm not dying crying.

They say: you will know when you're ready.
They say a lot of stuff.
I don't think I can ever be ready.
Not even almost.

I just know that going on is never ever working.
So now I'm just sitting here on the verge of crying.
But there are never any tears.

Just a feeling, some more eating and just staring.
Forcing my body to go outside walking.
Only walking, it is the only thing.
The only thing that is somewhat comforting and not destructive.

Something that is not eating.
While I'm carrying this feeling that I should be able to escape.
I keep asking, bagging myself to help myself.
Out of love, out of the pain.
I can do this.

Not leading anybody on.
Including me.
I wish there was a doctor of mercy who could put me down.
But no, this is all on me.
So lonely, solo.

I deserve to be free.
Free from you.
Free from this pain.
Not have my heart aching.
And follow my own path.

I'm grateful for the things I did have.
But now I want to go.
I did receive love.
Comfort from things, clothes, music, bodies.
I'm happy to leave, it's ok and fine.

I'm ready to let go.
Let go of everything.
Be content.
And be glad to be ready when I am.
I'm letting go.

I am free.
Grateful and happy to follow my own path.
Free from pain.
Free from my body.
But I can still be this person that I am.

This part of something bigger that I can see.
I have it all in me.
It will all be meaningful and loving.
Now I know how to give this intense type of love.

Cause I learned to lose it and feel it and store it for the right kind.
I'm ready to get ready.
Set me free.
For meaning and love.
Following my own path free from pain.
Letting go.

At some point in my journey I realised that undoing wouldn't be helpful.
That I should be grateful for all that I've learned, for how much we all have grown.
I am still very proud of all the people around me.
But I want to undo the picture they'll see when I leave.
And I wish I could leave.
Three gates I found and they didn't let me through.
I told the guards that the key was me.
It wasn't enough.
All the stars lined up for the perfect goodbye.
Except for the one thing that should have released me.
The key was ready but the lock didn't fit.
Now I know there's no other way but to rest for the next challenge to find the next gate.
I'm in these  tornadoes circling in and out not coming out.
But I won't come out of this world that I'm in without finding a better way out.
Cause this world that I'm in is not my home and it will never be though I tried to make it so.
People helped me to make it right.
Now we need peace.

I'm not giving power to the pain.
I choose to live again but I'm getting punished for that decision.
And my keeper has become lazy.
I'm back in the game, I decided to fight some more.
The man that's my biggest reason to fight gets dragged back into my life...
So do I live for him now?
Cause I figured I can't live for me after all.
But he is here with me now too.
So I will be fighting like a crazy warrior!
I'll never forget who I am.
The power of a connection to nature and my own spirit and spirit guides.
Always strong enough as long as I want or need to be, over and over.

I know the power of not giving power to the pain.
And the power of not giving a ****, just doing what is needed to be here.
In a loving way.
Going deep and seek the truth inside me.
Letting the connection take me away.
I am a part of this intense heavy game that is my life.
And beyond...
Always will I know what it's like to be here.
So I'll never fall back into it and I'll be there only for my loved ones when needed.
It doesn't matter where I'll be.
I can survive comfortless nights but in the end I became so aware of it.

So this infection will never leave, the pain of knowing discomfort at night.
The screams of no peace.
The screams of love.
I choose to live again but I'm getting punished for that decision.
And my keeper got lazy.
I'm back in the game, I decided to fight some more.
So do I live to be tortured now?
I can be attacked again.
And I stay.
And I cry.
And I scream.

And I love.
And I can't leave, and I can't live.
My keeper was there for my torture.
My spirit guides are there for my peace.
My lover is there to make me stay.
And for me to drag him back into my world.
I try to let it be wonderful.
But it's horrible so many times.
Every day and every night.
Especially every night.
So I will be fighting like a crazy warrior.

I'll never forget who I am.
Who I've become.
I know the power of not giving power to the pain.
One day I can set myself free.
I won't always continue to fight here cause it hurts like a dragon attacking my body constantly.
And one day I'll stop fighting it.
Do I live for him now?
Cause I figured I can't live for me after all.
But he is  here with me now too.
So I'm a crazy warrior.
I know who I am.
Spiritual, crazy, viking, bleeding, hard, soft, free.

I love you, I want your hugs.
Escape this life.
Like you show me what love is like beyond this world.

Like it should be.
You let me feel it.
Only for a moment.

I am free against your body.
I am free when we connect.
To that world beyond this world.

Just a moment where everything feels right.
We all need it, sometimes we give everything.
Give too much.

But you can escape in different ways.
Healthy ways too.
Music and creating, whatever sets you free.

Listen to that voice inside that tells you what you need.
A new year where we can all follow our true feeling.
A new year where you can just have your say and do what you must do.

What do you want the most, who do you really love?
I shouldn't try to be all sentimental but we need to do what feels right.
That’s what I think is best cause we are battling and growing.

Narrow ideas about life are over now.
Not just right and wrong, religion, rules.
But energy spread out all over, God is not a thing, not nothing, in everything.

The gates to the spiritual world are always open.
Listen, respond how you feel you need to.
Be you.

Have a good next year, feel free.
I wish for you freedom, love, more peace and passion.
You are worth everything and so much more!

You've got to be stronger than you feel.
Life demands it.
You've got to do things you really don't feel like doing.
Even though you're exhausted.
You've got to be at places that you don't want to be at.
It feels uncomfortable and way too heavy.
You need to be with somebody but you can't.
When you need them more than ever they're too busy.
Life demands it.
You've got to be stronger than you feel.

✨⭐️🩵💙💜HOPE is all we’ve got when life’s rough. Accepting things are not how we wish them to be. But they feel better in dreams sometimes. And you forget about pain that you carry. You meet people and hug them. And it’s so intense. Like a drink to a song times a 1000. Or more. You don’t know anything else. Let that hope be that dream. And that dream be that HOPE 💜💙🩵⭐️✨

These are the cards you are dealt today.
Never easy.
Always trying hard to find a way to deal with them.

Same cards keep coming back.
You can’t get rid of them.
Some you will be able to throw away, some you only get sometimes and then they disappear again for a while.

What’s the end card? I wonder.
You can only see the cards revealing this world and not what’s next.

But what’s beyond can shine through these cards and you can get a glimpse of your purpose.
Your intense longing for something that’s not here.

They show you yourself, your life and battles in that day.
You recognize some of them too much and some are new.

There are rules to this card-game I feel:
-Don’t think you deserve better cards.
-Don’t take your cards for granted.
-Don’t take the easy way out.
-Do have patience if you can.
-Take breaks if possible.
-Don’t take it too seriously.
-Anything can happen, is possible.

I’ve been sitting around eating my nails.
Waiting to get going.
Heavy burning.
Bricks shoving.
Same old things but in a different way.
Relax, brick by brick.
Heavy and sick.
Same old things in a certain way.
Or else everything falls apart.
And it’s even more heavy.
When will I be done?
And then still I’d be sitting nails eating.
After talking, after a long walk or doing something.
Getting on the go.
Going on my way.
On my heavy burning.
Heavy bricks shoving.
Nails eating, sickly.
Heavy brick by brick way.
Building different things breaking.
Come take a look at my building.
Don’t come in cause it’s falling.
It sure looks very heavy.
Have a look and take a daily picture before it’s fallen to the ground.
I’m just sitting eating my nails right in front of it......

I can see in the dark.
And it hurts my head.
I close my eyes but still see the light.
I don’t want to see it, I’m aching, so exhausted.
Everyday there’s something wrong and every night there’s something keeping me up.
The dreams are not vivid.
The people in it are invisible.

It gets old to be here.
Everything gets old.
Feels old.
Not in a good old way but lame, unexciting, uninteresting.
I’ve heard it all before, I’ve seen enough.
I want to be new, feel new, everything.
Sparkling, alive.

I see in the dark, distracting.
It hurts.
I need that light off if there’s nothing good.
To see.
To feel.
To be.
Where the dreams are not vivid.
Not feeling much, only unpleasant.

To all the people who are tired, overwhelmed, fighting and/or feeling depressed: You rock, you are an amazing, magical being. A warrior deserving of a world that’s loving and giving. You have so much power in you. But it’s always being drained because you give the world so much of you. I’m not going to say thank you because this world to me is not one I like to be in. But your fighting’s not in vain. The world beyond this one may recognize your beauty and your work. May you one day find that thankfulness, that loving and that giving. A world where you can be in. In every way that you deserve to. Find whatever you are longing for with care and so much healing. A way of existing that doesn’t take anything but just gives back what you’ve been in need for. For so long. Hold on, hold on. We all are one!

When you forget the feeling of what it's like to be loved you don't miss it as much.
You are one with yourself.
This journey is for you and you don't have to share it.
Share energy,
You grow alone and sometimes may share your findings with friends and family.

Although sometimes maybe something is missing but you're ok.
On your own you decide what to do and when.
It's nice, you feel so free.
Your relationship with yourself is strong and that's how you feel.

You know you, you know what you need and what you can do.
Although at some point you may start to wonder: is this it?
Am I just dealing with daily life by myself?
And when it's hard then you may wonder what the point of going on alone may be.

So you seek and find love again.
But then, the loneliness kicks in when you are not with the other.
You feel lost.
And when being together all the time becomes too much and you take some time alone, you know what you miss.

Loving makes lonely in here.
Loving makes lonely on earth.
Loving makes lonely while being alive.
Loving makes lonely in here.

I have a feeling that I need something more than the sunrise and sunset for so long.
Life feels like a box in which I never did belong.
So I'm either tired or seeking for more in vain.
A lot more than sunlight, a little more than rain.

A few more bites, another slice of anything that's nice.
A better place, a warmer shelter, a bigger price.
To compare for the hunger and the pain.
The pain I could never explain.

Because people say and I like to believe that many things should have a reason why.
I'd probably only figure out really how that's true when I die.

I stopped believing in a great ending and stories but I know it all falls into place just fine.
Right now I'm balancing high between two places to fall on a thin line.

Having to decide but falling anyway soon.
In the morning, at night and noon.
I'm in a box.
I'm between two rocks.
Too slipery to climb up.
No backing up.

Watching the sun set and rise.
Wanting to be in another world to finish off in paradise. 🖤⚡️🔥

This is all I need right now.
Taking a step back.
All the options are there forever.
The truth, the blood, the pale, the marks.
They will always be there.
As we can create anything and take it all away.
Again.

But this is all I need right now.
As my nose is running.
Over my make up on my skin and lips.
My tummy full of milk and seeds.
Soon I'll be running down the steps.
To sing at the geese on the street.
Again.

All the old songs and videos.
They will always remain with the new.
Bodies grow and gravity pulls them back to the soil.
The ceiling shows pictures of what comes through pavements at other places....

Looking up I know where my friends are.
Looking down I see and feel exactly where they go.
I never walk next to them.
I walk around them.

And this is all I can have right now.
This is all I can do.
This matters so much to me.
That I'm breaking down.
But I'm standing up for me.
Because nobody deserves to stay down for too long.
Again.

So I'm getting up.
Again.
Again and again.
Until I'll be able to create a way out.
A way out.
Forever.
For me and for you.
Because nobody deserves to keep going down.

I wanted to die soon but then I discovered new songs. 😄
Many came by today.
Even too many to keep track.
Now I just want to be in them.
One after another.
Like dying, in songs.

I'm standing in a dark room with my eyes closed.
I'm finding a new song.
As I fall in love.
As I'm always falling.
Can I be in love with you when I'm not among the living?
I can't sleep.
I can't find comfort in anything.

But the dark room and the song remind me of the moment where not everything is happening .
I'm not missing out on anything.
When I'm in the moment and I see much more in the dark.
I'm missing out when I see everything happening.
Because that's when nothing's really happening to me.

I'll go searching in the dark, maybe I'll find love.
Maybe you will find  me too.
Like the song.
Like the song found me.
As I sing along.
I notice you touching my lips.

Your hands are feeling every movement.
I feel every feeling as I'm singing.
The song that found me.
And I found you years ago but I cannot be in love with you.
Because I'm not among the living.
I can't sleep.
I can't find comfort in anything.

I need a waterfall of mercy all over my tortured body.
That kept waking up from noises when it got comfy finally. One day it will end, one day I will find peace. But now just let me sleep and not be in this horror please!!!

I escape in black.
I stop everything.
And run away.
Gone forever.
I run till I find a gate of swirls.
And jump through.
My mind is broken.
My body won’t hold it if I don’t run.
Not all day everyday so I try to run when I can.
Far and long.
Till my body is as tired as my head.
And they crash hopefully.
So I don’t have to hold a broken mind.
But it’s never silent there so even as I crash these voices scream me awake.
They try to talk as I’m running.
So I try to silence them till I drop.
Run me over!
I’m done running from and towards things.
I’m done dropping being broken all the time.

My ears feel like they’re bleeding.
I was sleeping.
But they started buzzing.
I needed that sleep.
And they’re not stopping.
Loud outside.

Head hurts now.
I’m frozen stiff.
Need to leave the world.
Everything is wrong.
The mattress moved and popped and now it’s not comfy.
So I got on the couch trying to get some rest.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m traumatized by how hard it is to find comfort I feel.

My ears are popping.
They are not stopping.
Wish I was still sleeping.

What should I do about the bed?
About making people tired or letting people down?
I’ll try to find solutions.
Try to stay calm.

I was already thinking last night like:

This world is nothing but a job.
I don’t feel alive.
Things are no longer new and exciting.

Today everything got worse so all I can do is trust there’s a reason….
Learning to live while not comfortable, experiencing feelings.
No certainty, maybe I will sleep or die from lack of rest.

Still I remain a dead person who hasn’t died.
Can I live in the moment?
I have so many thoughts about the next thing coming and the wrongs things…
Not every thought needs to become an action though but I cry inside and I don’t want to be here.
This is not my world at I’m tired of trying to fit in it.

A dark love story in a dark cave with little lights in the water.
Flowers on the walls.
Hands holding.

Sounds of songs echoing.
And a family of sisters and brothers.
Warm spots where the sun comes in.
Lying there.

A teardrop for the other side.
And dark eye for knowledge gained.
Bright eyes for still holding hope.
A stream of lights.

Collecting fallen stars.
Let’s eat them so they don’t go to waste.
We will not blossom but we escaped and we can finally be ok.
Loving in our darkness.

Like mermaids.
Eating sea plants.
Singing sweetly.
But dark sounding.
Lullabies.

When I’m in the dark and the noises won’t stop.
I call upon the Goddesses to help.
And then when nothing flows we make it.
It’s not easy but I feel them.
And we celebrate later.
I hope they understand that I would rather join them altogether.
But I’m not ready yet.
I don’t know how much longer till I’m where I want to be but they send gifts.
Sometimes I need to pay for them.
That’s fair.
But sometimes the balance needs to be made.
No perfect dream without a nightmare after.
How much celebrating is going to feel ok still?
I’m still here and I just need to escape it.
All the noise and all the feelings.
I want the darkest black and the brightest glitter.
The deepest blue, pink and purple.
And then I swim.
Keep swimming.
Cause I can’t just all day long “keep swimming” without feeling.
I feel too much.
But it’s ok when it’s good.
Good stuff, good energy, it will come.
Like fairy witches, my name will be Nanti Noémy
🧚🏻‍♀️✨✨🌑✨✨🌻

When I say “everything will be ok”, I mean just for today.
I don’t mean forever and always.
I mean we’ll get through this somehow.
And it’s no fun most moments.
You have to realize.
It’s hard work.
Really hard work for just those moments of peace.
And we’re doing it.
When it goes on for too long some people get weary.
At times or forever.
For the rest of their lives, a little or a lot.
It can feel so uncomfortable.
Struggling daily.
But then when you reach a milestone in the day you can be proud, celebrate, be a boss.
Because, come on, you did it, AGAIN

You have to accept what you can’t change.
And try to make your way through it.
This world can imprison you and not set you free for so long that it feels as if you died.
And you feel it so deeply it’s now a part of your journey.

The opposite of freedom.
That’s what this world can feel like.
The balance for when you are out of here.
So when you are free you know what it’s like to be stuck.
To work hard, to suffer so bad.

You know what it’s like.
And I hope it makes it all worth it then when you’re free so you enjoy it well.