Did you whisper a prayer before the roar of the inevitable end?
Should we have listened harder,
held you closer,
and tried so very much more
to persuade your troubled mind
not to let go?

I don't know.

You, in all your lightness
held me so convincingly
in oblivion of your parched spirit.
Too many years of despair, I reckon.
And too little human affinity found.

I will never know, what drove your final decision to meet the vast unknown.
It terrifies me to think
that you felt that was the only choice.
But even if I grieve that you will never
light up the world with your dazzling smile,
gentle touch,
or kindness anymore.
I see you for the brave and wondrous creature that you are.
Brave to live so far.
And brave to end it.

Nothing grows now,
the dry spell hit this summer hard.
And yet...
The gentle fragrance of all blossoms
linger in the air ever since you took your leave.

I'm in love so much in love
with my boyfriend.
His sky blue eyes, blond curls and too deep a voice makes my heart constrict in a way unimaginable.
When he sings, it's the voice of an angel.
I'm an oddball, I don't belong,
My head is filled with lyrics and dreams...
My fingers constantly draw paintings
only clear to me. And every time I strike a chord on my beloved mahogany piano, I lose myself to the sound.
My classmates avoid getting too close to me.
That's fine, I don't relate with them anyways.
Mother is a terrifying universe, so confident
reliable and unending. She builds me up and tears me down in the whim of her might.
I'm a strange bird she tells me - but in a gentle way. I think it's a good thing. She never compares me with my sister.
And I understand why. It would be unfair.
But she vows me as often as she can that I am responsible to take care of her when she
cannot.
I fly high with every stroke of my brush.
I dive low into the pits of despair when I look at the world.
So much to do...
But I believe...
I believe with my sixteen year old soul
That I will matter
Put a mark on the world
Become...

Sixteen year old me - I love you so much.

Thank you

Feeling my way through the darkness.
Guided by a beating heart.
I can't tell where the journey will end.
But I know where to start.
They tell me I'm too young to understand.
They say I'm caught up in a dream.
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes.
Well that's fine by me.

So wake me up when it's all over.
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

So wake me up when it's all over.
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

I tried carrying the weight of the world.
But I only have two hands.
Hope I get the chance to travel the world.
But I don't have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young.
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is a prize.

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and
I didn't know I was lost.

As the tide wash over frostbitten shores
in the soon forsaken kingdom of Jack Frost.
I found my moment of solitude finally,
wrapped inside the cold breath of the norther.
The desolate requiem of terns in flight
disrupting the stillness of my mind.
Conjuring the uncalled ache of you
from my safe of forbidden memories.

As the years move everything we know
and we grow old both in heart and soul.
These memories will still be so easily stirred,
wailing for attention, just as the needy terns,
slowly moving sideways across the burning horizon.
And I will cast a spell for the wind to carry,
far across the ocean, crossing everything between us.
To finally reach you in the winter of our age
with the gentlest kiss, a forlorn whisper
telling you what went missing in our past...

...my love

I don’t regret much what I am.
How can I regret what defines me?
The way I am is an answer to how I feel.
I am my own universe, omnipresent
and yet a mere glimpse of insignificance
in others awareness or lives.
A blip in the whole of eternity.

You may think me ignorant
even cold, that’s not the truth.
Just a reflection of me mirrored
through the stained windows of you.
You can fall in love with the image
I transcend, the spark I ignite,
the pull of my voice
or softness in my touch,
but it is just as short lived
as fireworks, a spark of light
on the endless night sky.

I am not telling you
that things don’t matter
in a life so short lived
as a human life cycle.
I do not mean,
that you should stop loving
or that you can avoid hating
even that you may stop trying
to save the world.

In fact I am saying the opposite.
Make every moment count,
live them to the fullest,
make them yours.
Savor the actions,
the laughter, the passion
even the grief, heartache or anger.
You are a drop in the ocean of time
one of many particles and yet,
the one and only.

Life is short.
Eternity is not.

******!
I also want to be able to grow a greyish beard and appear more good-looking than I ever was in my early 20s.

I adjusted the beanie to an exact position above my brows,
leaving swallow wings arched underneath it.
Looking into the mirror one final time,
saluting the bold stare facing back
beneath sooty lashes - perfection.
The amor arc of my lips
painted a perfectly smug expression.

The buzz in the room stopped on cue
when I stepped into the war zone.
All eyes focussing...finally,
on the one person who really matter.

Hesitant smiles, some frowns
and a whole lot of anticipation...
All waiting for my next move.
In my head I hear Sia singing;
”tough girls in the fast lane...”
- the last tune I played
on my way here.

I smiled to the guy who used to be my web manager.
Turned 45 degrees and gave the older gentleman ( that I always get into heated discussions with about ”the better old days” vs life as it is today) a hug and a breathless salutation.
The lady sitting at the end of the table - a quick kiss on the cheek and a warm assurance of her invaluable presence (not).
The top manager for global communication,
- let’s sparkle a bit extra.
Stroking his chin with light fingers,
assuring him in the unspoken
about how absolutely gorgeous,
irresistible he is.

My so called team,
waiting in terrified silence for the meeting to begin.
Quiet little mice - now.
For months, their cocky, ignorant ***** have been speaking volumes
about how they would challenge conventions,
Break rules
Being rebels unheard of,
and ridiculing anyone who’d disagree
with their blown up perception
of importance.

Now they all looked at me - while chewing  chunks of humble pie.
One unified message
- Save our ******* *****!

And then, her...
The woman who've paved the way for me all along.
Teaching me the hardest lessons possible in business.
Because she cared,
she believed, and she desperately
wanted me to succeed.

I walked the few steps around the table to greet her,
folding my arms closely around her fragile frame.
And for the one and only time that morning,
I let true feelings shine through.

Someone turned the beamer on.
I let go of the dizzy spell
from 3 weeks nonstop work,
regular blood and thyroid treatments.
In my mind my demon wings flared out,
strong, potent and invincible.
And the grand piano fixated in my heart, struck the first chord...