Take a breath and just-
Pause
And think and wait
Just remember, it’s not too late
You can solve this in a myriad of ways
I promise

Some girls are like chess pieces, pawns of the world, the gullible
You can move them wherever you want
Push them around like game pieces, the game pieces to Life
No matter the color of the world you choose for them
The square of a world
Either black or white, dark or light
They are like chess pieces and will remain like that
Solid, moveable pieces
If you meet a chess piece girl, don’t take advantage of her

Some girls are like piano keys, sitting there, waiting to get played
No matter the color of their skin, black or white
Or the texture of their voice, their words
Sharp or flat
They are like piano keys and will remain like that
Solid, playable keys that live to sing when their heart is broken by someone who didn’t care about them in the first place
If you meet a piano key girl, don’t play her

Some girls are like one way mirrors, they close themselves off to people and only allow the people they trust to look into them
They’ve probably had a rough past or maybe just some trust issues
But even with one way mirrors you cannot force it to be like a regular mirror, able to see from both sides into the other
She may remain impassive
Don’t force her to show you her secrets, her inner workings, let her remain closed off about the things she wishes not to share
If you ever meet a one way mirror, let them be as they are

If you meet any of these types of girls, let them be as they are
They are, after all, still humans, right?
For the deeper we look in ourselves
The more we try to be different, extraordinary
If we do not have the most important values and virtues of life within
We still can resemble inanimate objects, cold and unfeeling

Learn a lesson from this,
And learn, especially
To really
Live

Sometimes I want to **** myself
Sometimes I stay up way too late
Sometimes I dream of you
But sometimes I dream I'm drowning too

You learned to live with true pain
Pure, undiluted pain
And even though I know it hurt
And sometimes you wanted to curl up
And never go out into the world again
You endured true heartbreak
Yes, it stung
But I hope you know

You grew in character
You're so much stronger
You learned from a teacher whose name was pain
You took notes and learned this:
You learned to howl with the wolves
And continued to howl when they left you
Never giving up
you learned to fade into the shadows
Stay silent, observe, keep secrets
Know more than anyone has ever known about themselves

Because even though you were alone at times
You kept getting up, taking notes, learning

You are so strong
So, so strong
Don't ever break
Don't shatter into a million pieces

And if you ever do, at least remember
To learn from it

When you have sat so long with a dinner knife and fork poised around your neck, how can you not expect to be eaten?

If your stomach growls and you are told all your life to remain silent, how do you know when to start speaking for yourself?

When your ribs practically carve themselves, pushing into the soft canvas of your skin, screaming to get out, and you have been told you do not deserve to eat - how do you know when you should?

How did you ever know you had the option to begin with?

And when you figure it out, how can they not expect anything less than anger? How can they not expect fear, distrust?

They can't seem to decide what you are.

You've been treated as a kenneled hound dog all your life, been told that baring your teeth was wrong, been told that you bark too loudly, sit too widely.
You've been treated as a show dog, led around on the arm of someone, never to look, never to breathe, never to think. To start dogfights. They laugh in their booths with money raised in clenched fists - it's entertainment and their bet is on whoever's teeth is the sharpest but both of you have had your teeth filed down for generations. Still, you fight, because it is all you've known.

You've been trained to not even be perceived as human, to not even perceive yourself as human, had orders barked at you your whole life but when you try to protest, you're told that you are arrogant and selfish.

Even then, some of them will continue the slow march of bringing the silverware ever closer, metal scraping against the table because they see the fight as a challenge. They like to play with their food, it's tag and you're it. You can pretend all you want that you're the main course, the whole meal, but that doesn't change that you will still, in the end, get ripped apart. Ripped to shreds, to pieces, violated even further when you thought it could never happen. That it could never get worse.

People tell you that they are just as much victims. They need the money from betting to survive, even if it's from betting on losing dogs with dull teeth and dull eyes. They tell you that you need to love them more and they will be kinder. That they will stop treating you the way they have. That they will stop being entitled.

But all you've ever done is loved, loved with your entire being, and nothing has ever changed.

Close your eyes
Read my lips
Love me but
Don't touch my hips
Jump with me without believing
Come back just as you're leaving

You are the only one who I will let undo the zipper down my back, ever so carefully, your fingers working overtime, and I can feel them trailing down my spine, so fine, so fine. Your gaze is so steady and determined, and sometimes I can't make eye contact, but I do my best. Forgive me, I wasn't dressed for being undressed. For being addressed so directly, I'm used to confrontation, and your care disintegrates every part of me that was angry at, and tired with, the world. I don't know how to respond sometimes to the love you give me, unused to being able to get so close, to be so close. To be able to lift my face and drink in your features without being scolded, and I am ever so thirsty.

Would you fight for me
As I went swimming in the darkest sea
Would you know what to do
When there's no chance of rescue
Would you remember what you heard
When I'm drowning, choking on my words
Would you drink in the morning dew
When there's nothing left for you
Would you lay down by my side
And stare up at the bright, blue sky
Would you visit rain or shine
And bring flowers to my shrine
Would you sing me back to sleep
With the very tears you weep
Would you please remind me when
You screamed, 'God, let me in!'
Would you remember me
Locking the door, counting to three
Would you please explain why you cried
When you saw the bathtub, kitchen knife, and I
Would you take the knife out of my hands
And drag me to dry land
Would you please hold me tight
And stay the entire night
Would you remember all the 'I love you's'
And all of the 'I love you too's'
Would you kiss the dirt above my head
Because, my dear, I'm sorry, I'm dead

Know every wrinkle in your skin
Is from when you smiled or laughed
Every time you crinkled your nose
Every time you squeezed your eyes shut
There is elegance in your wrinkles, and I love them all

They mark every day, every time you spent feeling. . .something
Something is better than nothing at all

I know you haven’t dealt with mental illnesses throughout your life
You don’t know how to explain or control them
I know you don’t know how to explain or control me

You don’t understand how to react when I say I have anxiety
You don’t understand it isn’t easy for everyone to be exactly like you
You don’t understand that the worst response is ‘Get over it.’
You don’t understand what’s happening
But I forgive you

I know you haven’t done your research
You don’t really care to know more
I know you don’t really care to know more about me

You don’t understand what it’s like to want to die
You’ve never undergone depression; you only know to get past things without something weighing you down
You don’t understand that I can’t simply suppress depression when it rears it’s ugly head
You don’t understand that I need to be alone sometimes
But I forgive you, always

I know you’re scared because you’re used to having control
I know your life shatters with every Emergency Room visit
I know your life shatters with my every visit

You don’t understand why I do the things I do
You don’t understand the things I’ve done in the past
You don’t understand why I lock myself in my room
You don’t understand why I stop talking to you
But I forgive you, continuously

I know you are worried about me
I know you regret not knowing
But I bet you don’t regret not knowing me

You were the first
You were the first person I ever truly loved, the first person I put time and effort into
You were the first person I felt truly understood me and took time to understand me, the first person who I thought listened and cared
You were the first person I fought with because I cared so much, the first person I wanted to kiss in the rain, wear a dress for, live with for the rest of my life, never lose. . .

You
You were the first person who truly broke my heart, the first person who walked away
You were the first one to start harming yourself
You were the first person to give up what we had, to let go, and erase

You were the first person who loved me enough to come back
You were the first person I ever kissed, felt safe around, and
You were the first to help me overcome my acrophobia

You were the first person to question Us, our relationship
The person who realized love isn’t permanent, while I was drifting off in a fairytale land, thinking love was forever
You were the first person who taught me that pain isn’t always bad, because it has the ability to make you stronger

You were the first person to know when I’m me and when I’m not
The first person who cared enough to say, ‘What’s wrong?’ when I’m hiding my face, the one who offered his coat to keep me warm in winter, the first one to wipe away my tears

You were the first person to threaten me
The first person to say ‘I hate you’

You were the first person to ever truly hurt me
And you will be the last

You were the one who turned my head towards yours and kissed me
You were the one who made promises
You were the one who loved me

But you were always the one to walk away

A girl was walking home, and the skies were getting darker, someone had scribbled the skies out with a black marker
The wind kicked up, and the leaves swirled on the sidewalks, above the girl was a circle of hawks
The dreary weather made her hurry home and she bit her lip but she was stopped by a small, stray strip of paper that flattened itself against her chest
She stopped, for a moment, to catch her breath, picking it up, she read:
‘You will soon achieve perfection’
It belonged to a fortune cookie, that should tell her it was lucky, but she didn’t want any of it
‘I don’t want perfection, I’m just wonderful the way I am, any other type of perfection besides self love is just a type of sham’
The shadows behind her began to stir, and she was too late to cover her ears as they whispered to her
‘You’ve put on a lot of weight and you’re slow, you’re ugly enough and that’s such a crime, you should be on death row’
She looked down at her stomach and hastened her gait, she ignored the shadows as she quickened her pace
‘I know I may not look like much, but I have everything I need. Go away, I’m not to be bothered today’
The shadows continued to follow her, almost as a race
They slithered up brick and stone walls alike on whichever buildings she passed and continued to whisper their little lies into her fragile heart, their voices sweet as pies on a summer day, but she ignored them, continued on her way
‘I have friends who love me no matter what I may seem’ she smiles, and the shadows laugh
‘If you say we tell lies, then what is that? Lies of how they don’t pity you dearly because you’re always lonely if not for them, they see you, clearly, and use you up, throw you away like garbage because that is what you are. They tried to fix you, tried to make you a shining star, but you were hopeless. Are useless, because you can’t do anything on your own, you can’t even get it right when you’re alone.’
The sky began to tear, it began to spill it’s tears just as the girl spilled hers - accompanied by the countless fears that everything everyone had told her had been right
She had done her best to ignore the doors that shut when she walked past them, the whispers and giggles that followed her around like monsters in the hall, tried to ignore the walls she built up for herself because she did her best to let people in, never shoving them out, always forgiving because that’s what she had decided to be about
Of the boys that asked her out every day just so they could walk away, hands in their pockets, shrugging and saying ‘Oh, what a loss’
The girls that turned their faces away when she passed because they couldn’t stand to “look at that,” she was dehumanized past the point of any reason, every dig on her because they saw her as a pig, eating slops from the ground, less than nothing, never amounting to something because of her weight
Her loneliness they all attributed to her looks even though her heart had always been in the right place
Don’t you think she knows?
Don’t you think she knows what the world thinks?
Don’t pretend you don’t know she thinks because she’s told, she belongs in a slaughterhouse with the rest of the corpses of animals
That the way she chews is too loud, but no matter what they said no matter what, she was proud, because she was who she was, and she didn’t care, ignored the stares every day because loneliness is a camera that blurs the background to both reality and happiness, and sharply focuses on just you  
She stopped her walk in her galoshes to the front door, stains on her shirt from a food fight where it had really just been her against everyone else
‘I am already perfect’ She said, and she opened the door, wiped her boots on the rug, stepped into her slippers of crimson red, she went upstairs
Her mother was there, downstairs, cooking supper for just the pair of them
The girl sits on her bed for a second
Thinks of what all she could do
Weapons and medications, what to run from, what to overdose on
But supper
But
But supper was done
Her mother called from below and she hurried down because no matter what perfection was, she didn’t care for a moment
She wiped the rims of her eyes on her sleeve, wearing her heart in the same space, always had been in the right place, still determined to give the entire world everything she had
Because today, at least for one more day, she would live

Yowza, when I met you I was knocked off of my feet
Must’ve been that semi that had a brush with me
That was the beginning of our life together
A brush with death through the heather

Yowza, our second date
Was just as great
We were chased by a murderer
I was jealous - I’d never heard of her

Yowza, we locked our doors extra tight
As we got into bed that night
The both of us didn’t get much sleep
And the next day, we didn’t have much to eat

Yowza, I think she might’ve been the crazy ex you’re always talking about
The one that has our house programmed into her GPS route
She left a human head on our front porch
For reasons unknown, it was strangely scorched

Yowza, you closed the door quickly and brought it inside
The voice within me told me to hide
You smiled at the lifeless sockets
And you went and got a box of small rockets

Yowza, in the backyard you began a Satanic ritual
Telling me to sell my own soul
With a blood sacrifice, you opened a portal to Hell
I thought for sure this was a tale I wouldn’t be living to tell

Yowza, how did it all come to this?
I refused to sacrifice the head but you insist
I hope this proves my love to you
As I lay in the center of the circle for proof

        Yowza, the head began to glow and vanished in flame
When Satan came up, he spoke your name
“This sacrifice is not enough for me.”
And you turned to the only thing you could see

       Yowza, I resigned myself to being shoved through the gates of Hell
      All’s well end’s well
      Almost everything except
     You got back together with your ex

     Yowza, roses are red and I am blue
    One day, I’ll drag you down here, too