midnight
a blinking blue light in the dark
unseen by the eyes closed to sleep
one
caught in dreams unwaking
free in the world of the mind’s making
two
the room fills with slow breaths
a clock ticks, the light blinks with unrest
three
outside the stars shine down
the moon passes behind a cloud
four
everything is quiet, is peaceful
lost in a night increasingly deceitful
five
the blinking light ceases, phone dead
as dreams continue to flood the head
six
nothingness
no witnesses
seven
the time to awaken passes
sleep continues, late for classes
eight
panic ensues, phone lays forgotten
rushing to school without cation

Nine to Nine
passing time, look around quick
missing partner in crime, must be home sick
how rude to leave me here, alone, a day feels like a year
rushing home, so much to do, homework to go through
dinner with the family, shove it in fast
remember the dead phone at last
the charge is climbing steadily
but slowly, too gone to use readily
finally charged, the blinking is back

ten
one missed call, one voicemail, one text
explain it all
eleven
go to sleep, after letting many tears fall
unable to do anything but withdraw
midnight
no light blinks, no message awaits
no partner in crime, no god, no fate

I've finally realized my worst nightmare.
All it took was reading something that was always there
hidden in the recesses of someone else's mind,
written down for yours and mine
to process and enjoy, relate to then forget
as we continue down the rabbit hole of online.

But this story, this time, seemed to stick.

I've met my greatest fear, the panic it incurs.
The breathlessness. The blurriness. The helplessness.
merely from the though of it...
to forget

boys get away with a lot, it's not luck,
it's brushed of as sowing oats, running amuck
girls mature faster than boys, that isn't by nature
it's nurture, it's the rules we employ
our expectations raise girls in a much faster way
to become a nurturer themselves instead of play

while boys are given more time in childhood
riding and crashing bikes in the neighborhood,
girls sit at home learning patience and care
as they sit silently playing, brushing dolls' hair

expectations are different for girls and for boys
this is not nature, it's nurture, it's society's ploy

Never had a good way to express my emotions,
nor a safe way, nor an efficient way.
Even this pen in my hand is a dangerous thing
with just the right tip to be able to hurt me
as I think of turning my only savior into enemy.

But instead I use it correctly, use it as a go-between,
writing the words I still can't say to this day
Help me, please help me, and don't leave me.
my soft whispered mantra, as loud as a scream.

Things are changing, that much is always true,
but I am so terrified of losing you, of losing myself,
of losing this seemingly so fragile peace.

I'm trying to do what I know is right,
but reminiscing calls forth fight or flight

I will wake up tomorrow
never again to rest my head
in this place, in this bed.

I will wake up tomorrow
and return home head high
after so many days gone by.

I will wake up tomorrow
a better person for the things I've gone through
and while I may not be brand new, this is a preview.

I will wake up tomorrow
with a smile, with a laugh,
in this place, in this bed
bittersweet that it had to end.

There is a problem with this world
we pass one test and then ask what's next
the pattern set forth, so simple, yet complex
this life into which we are hurled.

The world is so scripted, so determined
as we are pitted against one another
fire burning at the bottom rung
so we all must climb for the heights
only to be burned by the sun.

I feel like I am talking to you
in my own little way
interacting with words without
fear of you knowing what I say

A freedom hard won
though so easily lost
as the hints start to line up
chalked up to coincidence
but at what cost?

And I know it may be due
to the fact I hate keeping secrets from you
the hints went both ways
I see that as true

but that was back then, and this is now
and I want you to see this name
as just another in the crowd

but that seems a realization
already a little too late
so just tell me if I need to run away
and find a new name