In the midst of finding who you are
You lost yourself
And once again your searching
Only this time you've lost yourself within another version of you
And your not sure if each of you can co exist
Your not certain which is your truest form
Or if there is yet to be another version
Where your better than the rest
And whatever version you are now is ******* *** your in this endless limbo
Not sure where you'll end up next
Just hoping its not down

Each time you hurt me
I normalize it a little more
Finding excuses for our behavior
As if this is the way all people love
Deep down I know
We know
It's rotten
We've rotted to the core
But we hang on
We strangle each other
And though we both gasp for air
We just let ourselves go
Let each other beat one another down
Till we're nothin
Nothin but pain and hurt
When once I wasn't perfect but I was me I was sunshine in a pistol
And you were someone I thought I needed to know
Thought I needed to love
I had seen you
And I saw the love that you lacked
It drew me in like a spider to its prey
You spun me in your web
Made me feel safe and loved
And I loved you like there was no one watching
No matter what I stuck like glue
And I still do
I just wish what was happening wasn't true
Is your web coming undone?
Has my sunshine faded?
Will we be nothing did we drag each other through all this ache for nothing?

Dear uncle Adam
I can't express my disappointment
My heart aches
And I can't shake this awful feeling
You hurt us all and broke our hearts
When they say that it's the drugs
I feel no sympathy
I remember your smile
Your brightness
I remember your laugh
You would taunt and ****
I would laugh
I look at these pictures of us
And it hurts so deeply
I said I wanted you to die
But I don't
I feel you are already gone
Are you gone?
Is this just your ****** scumbag shell
Or are you still inside there screaming
Do you need help?
Do want help?
Do you wish to die?
Why did you abandoned
Why did you choose something so destructive
Why can't you see that we're here for you
Why don't you want to get better
Why don't you love us?
Why do I love you?
At one point I remember being excited to see you
I felt hopeful hugging you
Knowing I had someone on my side
I felt you understood me
But now i don't know
Now I feel you were never truthful
When I never judged you
I feel angry and stupid
I believed in you
I let you in my home and I wanted to take care of you
But you scare me now
You stuck a needle in your arm less than 4 feet away from your child and your niece and my child
And I tried to act like that's not what happened
But i can't be blind
I can't sympathize
Even though I know your life was rough
I still don't get it
I do
But I don't
And I wish I could
Because I miss you
I miss you smile
And your laugh
I miss your life
I don't want you to die
But I feel you are gone
Your son deserved more
You deserved more
We cant make it right for you
I so wish I could have
Please don't die
Please fight
Please
I miss you

Stuck between a field of weeds
And a garden of gremlins
You are above
Staring at me
Contradicting, telling me who to love
With thoughts that never end
Interrupting my sleep
Secrets spilling through the cracks of my teeth
It never stops
It just keeps going
And my body will never choose
How many will I have to loose?
Pick a side any side
If only it were this easy
I wobble from left to right
East too west
But yet it only keeps me queezy
My heart speaks to my mind
In sorrow
But brain says there will be a better tomorrow
Choose wiseley before its too late
But I'll sit in confusion
Till I step up to the plate
Infatuation is in lust
But true love has all but disenigrated to dust
What we thought was true
Has all turned around as a lie that was told by you

There must've been a time we weren't arguing
But I just can't focus on those sweet moments
Seems as though those feelings will never return
Long lost in the past
I hate this
Hating you
Do I have an option?
This hurts
Us screaming
Telling truths that cutt
Using words that scar
We may be too far gone
I want to keep going
I'm running out of oxygen
Drowning
Trapped in denial
Just barely making it
When do I give up?

I want to feel you
All around
Want to look to you for guidance
I want a reason for being here right now
Want to be surrounded by people that make me proud
I embarrassed by the thought
So disgusted by my absence
I try to gather information
Try and figure out which group would fit me
But it is me who needs to mold myself
But where do I begin
And how do I make that move
And will you love me
Even if I've been wrong in my past
Even if I've told people you were wrong
Will you love me as I find you?

I am to literal
Can I take a joke?
It's been hard lately
Don't you think?
I don't know life goes on

Does it?


If the world implodes
Will our spirits evolve?
Or will we be nothing?
Are we even anything?
Could our souls reach a new planet
Where we exist in personality and voice
Is that what heaven is?

It's 11:30 and it's just us
They've all gone to sleep
And though we've just met
We're like each 10 beers in and pretty invested in each other's company
I think we're both misunderstood
Kinda lonely people
Both lost
And we talk about whatever it is strangers talk about
We sit close
Both desperate for affection
We see something in eachother that we see in no one else
Dedication
We eventually give in and melt together
Since then been infused
Don't know when it started to spoil
But I wish it was like when you had me on the couch and we barley had a place to live and I was working and you were working harder and you ****** me like I'd never been ****** before
It was always like that
You were happy
So was I
Why did that stop?

Happiness is long stretched out moments of smiles
Happiness is your baby calling out "mama!" *** she loves and needs you
It's having a sweet day with your partner
Though it's been rough
Happiness is peace amidst this war we call life
It's seeing the ones you love build families
It's family blood or adopted
Happiness is writing,
Talking
Expressing without fear
It's having someone who understands
Happiness is togetherness
Keeping life full
Today
Is happiness

I've seen you quite a few times
Reacurring visits you made to me
In my dreams
You are of dark complexton
And ***** hair
Your a wide smile
That keeps me loaded
Your body
An amazing piece of architecture
Though your beauty soars beyond its means
You denie any truth of this
Your continuous laughter
Keeps my heart light
You speak of love
Of ***
You speak of my beauty
Though I disagree
We play like children
Not quite as inocent as it all has seemed
You have ran back and forth through all of my dreams
Up and down my blood you have streamed
I have fallen in love with a figment of imagination
Though real in my heart
I cry at the recognition
You are not physical
I cannot hold you in my hands
Caress your face with my fingertips
You cannot press your lips against mine
cannot let our hands intertwine
You share your thoughts with me
And I share mine
I see you night and day
While i'm in bed
Or in my head
I hope too see you
One day in the flesh
So we can color the pavement with gold
And count the stars
Untill we get to old
Now your a just a fantasy
Eating at my reality
Confusing me with what is and what is not real

I wish you had shoved me in a box
Threw away the lock
What was I exposed too?
Too much
Do I even understand?
Probably not
At least I try
I miss the smell of crayola
And the taste of welches grape jelly
I wish ou had shoved me in a box
Threw away the lock
Hopefully you'll read my poetry one day
My unscripted thoughts
Maybe you'll appreciate my adoration
For you two my birthers
In most stories we live happily ever after
When I was younger never a stress
I thought that was true
But the realness of this planet has made me more aware of how wrong I was
I wish you had shoved me in a box
Threw away the lock.

Just like that
A simple
Quick decision
Can make you throw caution to the wind,
Take another chance shall I?
Put everything on the line for what?
A few more months of strength?
A recovered love?
Could it would it change a thing?
For my family i'd do anything

What have you done
You've erased all that was once secure locked up inside
Never too see the light
I'm cracked now
It's okay
If anyone else,
It'd be a shame
But you........
Your amazing
Breathe taking
I never thought it'd be this hard
These feelings so complicated
I can never understand my own emotions anymore
I often wonder if you feel the same
I'm too afraid to ask
Scared that you won't
It feels almost unreal
Like how could you
Want me?
I guess I should just take this luck and run with it
Don't want you to second guess
But if its me you want its me you'll get
All of me
I want all of you
Sometimes your silence makes me nervous
Your so brave
Every single second of the day
There is some constant reminder of you
Maybe i'm just crazy
Maybe i'm obsessed
Or maybe i'm finally in love

Sorry
I don't see it
Don't see the beauty
Don't see the happiness
I'm sick
I am disgusted
I am nothing
Nothing but a gray cloud in the sky
Not even caring to take a second glance
Not worth it
Not enough
You laugh because I am a joke
You cry because you feel bad
I laugh because I can't cry.....
I smile because I can't frown......
Your words mean nothing
Though sweet as can be
The more you say them
The more I am confused with "ME"
I think I was put here to entertain
But if that was true I would have been blessed with talent.
I try and take away whats their
But it always creeps its way back
Makes me nervous
Lets me know
That i'll never be good enough
Never be okay
Always insane
But i'm fine

My stomachs filled with fire
Your not supposed to look down
Suppose to look up at the clouds
And take a leap
But i feel these chains wrapped around my leges keeping me still
And im looking down
Im scared if I leap
I'll drown
I want to jump
Hard
I want to let go
If i hit the water too hard
Ill shatter
Ill ruin everything
I've tried so hard to keep together
And im feeling weak
And im feeling strong
And im so confused
Will i ever be able to look up?

We thought this magic would never end
That our youth would be forgiving
We thought that we were never wrong
And we thought love wasn't pretending
But the the sun has set on us
And all the glitters began to fade
As soon as we accept the darkness
Our innocence is up for trade

My expressions
Feel belittled
By lack of experience
I am yearning for absolute freedom
But know that I'd spoil it
With a bad decision
It's what I'm known for
Choosing the wrong people
Eating the wrong foods
Walking the wrong path
I'm just all wrong
Maybe
There's something alright with that
At least I'm consistent
Like " don't get to excited"
I'll probably just let you down
One of those types of people
Like "she's cool but....."
I'm never okay
Always sick
Mentally
Physically
You all just might as well give up
Nothing grand to see here

Torn like a brand new sweater
One that you had been waiting forever to get
Saving all that you had for that sweater
The thread finally came to an end
To soon if you asked me
But you never did
Swallowing and savoring the last of that bitterness you left on my toungue
****
I'd be devoured by pain
But your to fine
Too okay
Little things can set me off
Seeing things that I once saw
I don't want to
They just appear  like magic
My mind is torturing me
When he touches me I am numb
For your fingers are all I can feel
When he kisses me
I cringe
For your lips are all I can taste
How I long for an ending to these prolonged feelings
You continue to be amazing
Which is what hurts the most
I don't know how long this will last
But for now
I guess i'm half empty

In the begining I was blind
But now I see too clearly
The nonsense is over
And now I am growing
Fairwell to what was
Hello to fresh start
I'm building myself up
And letting the old fall apart
I quite frankly could care less
Of what they have got to say now
Because now I'm getting mines
And jealousy can ****
Not me but you
So step it up ladies and you'll be fresh too

Honey suckles
Suckling
She pitter patters across the moon lit pavement
In the air there is a faint smell of blood
Behind her he stalks
"Oh love oh love"
Thy hands may touch whatever thy please
She follows her shadow in to the darkness
Where she finds a wall of bricks
And a stray cat
From the corner of the alley he's lurking
She sits on a worn piece of cardboar
Many persons home
He starts to approach but retreats
She feels someone
He call's her name
So she found him
In the moment of panic they embrace
Noises pour from within her
Her cheeks wet and scarlet
More than ever she relieved
But truthfully she's scared
The heart only as fragile as the beholder
Strong; but far too weak
He holds her
Not letting go
He squeezes
She's hurting
She can't breathe
She closes her eyes
Misunderstood they're whole lives
They suffocate eachother
Till the world is no more
Restless soul and empty bodies
Lay across the pavement
Dead and beautiful
They lay there for eternity
She who gives her body to the one with no concience is sure too be in danger
But its worse to give your heart and soul to ***** mangey stranger

I'm ugly
But not too ugly
not the ugly thats unbearable
I am not the most intelligent
This I can admit
Though I admire those who are
I am not skinny
Not even close
And I strive too only be healthy
I am not happy all the time
Though bystanders may think so
I am ok.
But still besides these facts
I am me
I am a jumble of imperfection
I strive on giggles and slight awkwardness
That keeps your heart beating at an unsteady pace
I am a loud music seeker
I am a lip locker
I am a secret in a box waiting to explode
I am a **** toucher
A star gazer
A lazy walker
A cat lover
An emotional movie watcher
A hand holder
A heart breaker
A friend
I am ugly but not that ugly
I live beneath my strengths
And my quirks that complete me

I love
So hard
And see the very best in each and every person
Sorry
I should've been less naive
Should've read between the lines
Seen the evil in his eyes
I just see a sad man
A confused mindless man
Whom I want to love so badly
I bleed and bleed in to him
Something doesn't click
And I'm alone and lost
But I'll find my way back
I just thought this time I wouldn't be alone
But maybe, it'll always be this way
It's the way things were meant to be
The way they were supposed to play out
Tragically
No fairy tale ending
Just a desert of sadness
Barren wasteland of a mind
While on pilot mode
Living for everyone else.

If you were mine
I'd cook you eggs and bacon
To wake you up in the right way
If you were mine
I'd sing for you
Only to make you laugh
Because you know I can't sing
But you'd love it anyways
If you were mine
I'd make sure you were happy
With me
Always satisfied
If you were mine
I'd lay with you
We'd talk about our dreams
We'd laugh
If you were mine
I'd drie your tears
When you cry
And we'd watch
Teletubbies
To make you feel better
If you were mine
I'd bring you
Icy beers
To sooth your body
after a hard days work
If you were mine
I wouldn't let anyone hurt you
Or else I'd be hurt
If you were mine
I'd be yours
If you were mine
I'd love you

Am I kidding myself ?
Can either of us truly change?
Or am I wasting time
Unhappy
Drowning in a pool of tears
Will he ever want to make me happy?
And will I ever want to accept who he is ?
My heart is in my throat
As I think of these truths
I just ate a half a pizza
And I'm still sad
I just screamed at my daughter
Because I'm alone
It's not her fault
She misses her daddy
She's acting out
Sometimes
It's just hard
He's not here
Even when he is........
And I cant think of anything positive other than
I just love him
And I want him to be a better man
And I want us to grow old together
And I want us to look back at our long life and all our children and our house and animals
And be proud
But I still just don't know
If I can make it
I just love him
And I don't know when it's going to stop hurting and when my body will tell me what to do

As naïve I was
as harmless
he was wrong

As stupid I was
as careless
I was wrong

But if two wrongs made a right this wouldn't hurt so badly

Is it weird
That you see my hair and think of the sun?
My smile is of fake compliments given by everyone
My kindness bares unconditionally
Though I am misunderstood
Please love me
Though I don't love myself
Teach me
Though I'm to stubborn to learn
Too naive to understand
I want to
No one will let me
Not a soul wants to clean this up
Put together whats been broken for years
I'm sorry i'm not what you expected
I wish I was

It's hot
And I mean hot
Our cheeks are Rosey
Our naps are long
We wake up to the sun just barely set

For those who have left us
Those who couldn't handle the pain
Too the people who kept pushing
Ended they're lives
Too the ones who comtributed to the hate
Made it harder to go on
*******
I travel to the moment they tie the noose
I take them by the heart
I see all their hurt
I cry, I wish I could have stopped them
If only I could have made a change
Some way
Maybe they'd still be breathing
Maybe they would be making changes now
If only the rope wasn't strong enough
Surely they never thought they would do it
Never thought that what was going through their mind was this seriousness
This agony
I feel for the mourners the people who loved
I am a mourner of faceless broken hearts
I want to help
Want to help these kids
Taking their lives
Please let me help you
Please, don't break my heart
I feel that if they leave
What am I to do
**** myself too?
I will not let them
******* my mind
Though quite weak already
I will make a change
This cannot happen anymore
I won't let it.

Not quite sure if what your doing
Is right?
Or if what I'm doing  is just plain moronic
I don't even Know if I should put much thought into this
I'll never tell you truly how I feel
And neither will you
So were hopelessly ******* away the sadness that we So greatly hide
We're wound so tight
Bound to snap sometime
And if it's me that you snap at
I won't be mad
As long as your happy
I'll take this mild abuse
I'll take your drunk calls
Your perversions that keep me up
Mind wandering in to spaces I never thought existed
Beautiful lustful places
I'm not ready to be a mother
But your not even ready to be my lover
My love
But you are
Mine
I refuse to think you've given your love to someone else
Since we've laid hands on each other
If so
I don't like to think about It
I read people easily
But you
I can't tell the slightest
And it makes me so insecure
So imprisoned
Its terrifying
I know of i don't see you for months
When we meet each other's gaze once again
It'll be as if you never left
You never forgot
I never forget
I always remember
Your unsteady breathing
I can feel it on my neck even when your gone it haunts me
And now I hate you for making me feel so much
But so desperately wanting to feel so little
Because as long as this lasts
It won't be forever
And you think your clever
But I know better

Middle of nowhere
Side of a highway
Living off ciggerette smoke
Hot air
And tough love
The sun is sweltering
The lake is swampy
Jump right in the waters green
**** is the past time
And Walmarts the big trip
Will you ever leave here
Your down to your last dip

Truest of tears
maybeline smeared
Ripped nylons
Stale cigarettes
Strong stench of **** and *****
Old budlight
Wrong answers
Quick fixes
White lighters
Dancing on park bench tables
Wobbling
"i'm not scared of the dark" she said
Bruises fill her white milky skin
With stories of brutality
Adventures
Long nights with strange men
Strange boys*
"I am not afraid of the light" shes says
"I never doubted you" he said
"you should" she says
She takes a ****
Lights a smoke
Dances around
Nike socks
And a wife beater
Sweaty and nauseous
"You disgust me" she says
"Than leave" he says
But i wont
I'm to high right now

You breathe down my neck with such intensity
I try not too break you but your so fragile
Maybe you don't understand what its like
Too be young and free
You want too trap me
Smother me
I made a mistake by doing this too you
Just caught  up in my own selfsih game
I realize now what I want
What I need
It's not you
Can I tell you that?
Without hurt
I can't keep running
Can't keep doing you like this
I can't keep doing myself like this
I want freedom
I want love
I want her love
Not yours
I'm sorry
But you have too let go

It really is too sad
That my generation has become this empty pit
Of drugs and ***
Don't get me wrong I am just as much apart of this movement
But what happens when were torn down
When we have nothing left
When there isn't a soul left to share something precious
We are all products of this society
Oh Kurt, why'd you leave me
Poor Amy such a voice
Take me back to where it started although it was years and years ago
Take me to janis
Take me to John
Take me to the raw
I want to drop acid with Hendrix
Party with Courtney
40 ounces to freedom with Brad
Take me away from here
We're all just pretending to be you
If this is my life let me live it real
Like the stars
Let me be in your blood
Let me overdose on your mistakes
Pass out too your lost promises
If I were there with you I would have done it too

You try so hard
Little girl
Getting ***** so fast
It's fun it is
But enjoy the little things
That come sooner to past
Don't let his words get stuck
Theres more to this world than lust
Though you may not see it now
It's there
Try
Little girl
Your getting stronger
Growing wiser
Hips getting wider
Your becoming more lonely
You have become your bestfriend
For some reason you've thought
People are different
You had so much faith
But it's disintegrating
Notihng but coldness
You play with there minds now
Your a master of disguise now
You stare into the eyes of strangers
Take them to your fortress
Unwravel there concience
Make them your soldier
You kiss the goodnight
Cutts run deep up and down
You bleed out staining the sheets
You say its for dramatic affect
But your scared
Maybe one night it won't end
You make the call
He drops it off
You take it down
Now your gone
You've made this persona in another world
But your not present in either
You've run away
To fragile too catch
Little girl, please
Slow down

"But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom.
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving cadillacs in our dreams.
But everybody's like cristal, maybach, diamonds on your time piece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash
We don't care we aren't caught up in your love affair
And we'll never be royals,
it don't run in our blood
That kind of lux just ain't for us
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler, you can call me queen B
And baby I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule.
Let me live that fantasy."