Life kicks my ***
I try and keep productive
I try and keep positive
My *** still gets kicked
It gets heavier and heavier
And I know this is life
I know that most healthy people would be able to cope
See the issue and take action
But I'm numb with disappointment
I don't know when I'll be enough
There isn't enough tears
To fill the spaces
That would be filled with a sense of fulfillment
And self love.

I love
So hard
And see the very best in each and every person
Sorry
I should've been less naive
Should've read between the lines
Seen the evil in his eyes
I just see a sad man
A confused mindless man
Whom I want to love so badly
I bleed and bleed in to him
Something doesn't click
And I'm alone and lost
But I'll find my way back
I just thought this time I wouldn't be alone
But maybe, it'll always be this way
It's the way things were meant to be
The way they were supposed to play out
Tragically
No fairy tale ending
Just a desert of sadness
Barren wasteland of a mind
While on pilot mode
Living for everyone else.

And a whole new me
Clearer
Unsolicited
Gaslit
And ready to go.
Sober
Stable
I sit at the edge of the bed ridding my confusion
I'm done fixing myself for you
Done making myself smaller
Sick of losing my control
I am so much more than this
So much more than being high
So much more than another body to sleep with
More than a mother
More than a partner
More than a woman
I'm screaming on the inside
Trying to break these chains
Trying to end this cycle
I try so hard
I'm sick of feeling like ive never been enough.
I'm so much more than enough

Things take time now
And I'm patient
Its hard to mistake
Passion
When all it really was
Was drama
Learning
Introducing
Listening
All new skills I'm obtaining
Slowly
I wanna run through it all
But I remember this
And I think I'll savor it this time
Make it worth while
Appreciate it
Water it
Watch it grow

My stomachs filled with fire
Your not supposed to look down
Suppose to look up at the clouds
And take a leap
But i feel these chains wrapped around my leges keeping me still
And im looking down
Im scared if I leap
I'll drown
I want to jump
Hard
I want to let go
If i hit the water too hard
Ill shatter
Ill ruin everything
I've tried so hard to keep together
And im feeling weak
And im feeling strong
And im so confused
Will i ever be able to look up?

In the midst of finding who you are
You lost yourself
And once again your searching
Only this time you've lost yourself within another version of you
And your not sure if each of you can co exist
Your not certain which is your truest form
Or if there is yet to be another version
Where your better than the rest
And whatever version you are now is ******* *** your in this endless limbo
Not sure where you'll end up next
Just hoping its not down

I guess I never cared if I was great
I just wanted to enjoy it
Wanted to gain something
I think I always do
I think it takes too long
Until i realize its been awhile
I hate how tastes change
One day im obsessed
The next id forgotten how much i appreciated that peice of art
Like it didnt exist
Like it wasnt my life
I just get lost in nothing
Things that are so un important
And i just want that need and want
For simplicity once again
But things just keep getting heavier
More complicated
Maybe those are just my thoughs weighing in
Making a dramatically different approach on how ive viewed things lately
Maybe we are just non stop changing
Sometimes i think we're just sad
And theres no reason
And we make all these excuses why when maybe its just so simple
I need fresh air
And a change of scenery
And im probably ready to be alone in the middle of a lake on a hot summers day surrounded by towering pine trees
I know
Oddly specific
but I just think ive been over thinking
Doing nothing
And im just ready for more
or less
Make sense?

All were ever getting is older
We dont even pay for it
Its just given to us
Some of us get sweeter
And some of us get angrier  
I just hope i get happier

We thought this magic would never end
That our youth would be forgiving
We thought that we were never wrong
And we thought love wasn't pretending
But the the sun has set on us
And all the glitters began to fade
As soon as we accept the darkness
Our innocence is up for trade

Am I kidding myself ?
Can either of us truly change?
Or am I wasting time
Unhappy
Drowning in a pool of tears
Will he ever want to make me happy?
And will I ever want to accept who he is ?
My heart is in my throat
As I think of these truths
I just ate a half a pizza
And I'm still sad
I just screamed at my daughter
Because I'm alone
It's not her fault
She misses her daddy
She's acting out
Sometimes
It's just hard
He's not here
Even when he is........
And I cant think of anything positive other than
I just love him
And I want him to be a better man
And I want us to grow old together
And I want us to look back at our long life and all our children and our house and animals
And be proud
But I still just don't know
If I can make it
I just love him
And I don't know when it's going to stop hurting and when my body will tell me what to do

I want to feel you
All around
Want to look to you for guidance
I want a reason for being here right now
Want to be surrounded by people that make me proud
I embarrassed by the thought
So disgusted by my absence
I try to gather information
Try and figure out which group would fit me
But it is me who needs to mold myself
But where do I begin
And how do I make that move
And will you love me
Even if I've been wrong in my past
Even if I've told people you were wrong
Will you love me as I find you?

New town
New home
New heart
Should have done this from the start
Keep trying to convince him
That our love can stand being apart
Through the pain I try as hard as I truly can
But no matter how hard
You still show me you cant be a man
What is a man
And who is a woman
And are we not defined?
I wonder these thoughts deeply
Now my feet have left the sand
My soul is buried deep in the lake
Yours deep in the snow
I thought this move would make it easier
but yet I still dont know
The guilt that covers my body
Each time I think of leaving
And sometimes when I picture this
My eyes well up with tears
Of something I may miss
I wish the stars could guide me
Down the path of which was right
But there's nothing I can do
Except, try and get some sleep tonight

Im in-between
I thrive in muck
But I am better
I try
But not hard enough
I know I can make a change
I just don't know
When I'll be strong enough
To peruse
Something new
And worth while
So I'm happy
But, not with myself
Because I'm better
Well I'm trying
But not hard enough

Just like that
A simple
Quick decision
Can make you throw caution to the wind,
Take another chance shall I?
Put everything on the line for what?
A few more months of strength?
A recovered love?
Could it would it change a thing?
For my family i'd do anything

Trying to find an outlet for this hurt
It slices right through me
Like a hot knife to butter
I'm helpless
Trying to fight my hardest
But can't fight my way out a paper bag
I make myself busy and try and push myself
But it just takes over
I wear it like a blanket now
And when I try to out think it
He slams it over my head like a hammer
And I'm helpless again
I feel like nothing
Worthless
Even when I know I'm not
I can't shake this awful feeling
That I'm useless
Without you
And it disgusts me

Somehow I got all the answers
Got em all jotted down in this brain
They come out of nowhere and I'm not quite sure how I come up with these answers
They make ******* sense
And people tell me all there *******
And I listen
I tell them like I'm some ******* shrink
They take my word
And I know nothing
They say I gotta a old soul or some ****
Maybe I do
And if I do, whose soul I got?

So many words to speak
So little ears to hear these endless run on sentences
That pour out of my mouth
Repetetive and loud
Sickening and angry
Like a broken record they say
I say
**** em
No one asked you
I'm just tellin

And that time we'd planned for you to meet my parents
You'd gotten so nervous
Drank so much,
Could barely speak to them
Luckily they were just on there way to a movie
You came inside once they'd left
You went to my room and stripped **** naked
Sprawled out on my bed
With the dumbest grin on your face
I wanted to tell you then that I loved you

It's 11:30 and it's just us
They've all gone to sleep
And though we've just met
We're like each 10 beers in and pretty invested in each other's company
I think we're both misunderstood
Kinda lonely people
Both lost
And we talk about whatever it is strangers talk about
We sit close
Both desperate for affection
We see something in eachother that we see in no one else
Dedication
We eventually give in and melt together
Since then been infused
Don't know when it started to spoil
But I wish it was like when you had me on the couch and we barley had a place to live and I was working and you were working harder and you ****** me like I'd never been ****** before
It was always like that
You were happy
So was I
Why did that stop?

There must've been a time we weren't arguing
But I just can't focus on those sweet moments
Seems as though those feelings will never return
Long lost in the past
I hate this
Hating you
Do I have an option?
This hurts
Us screaming
Telling truths that cutt
Using words that scar
We may be too far gone
I want to keep going
I'm running out of oxygen
Drowning
Trapped in denial
Just barely making it
When do I give up?

It's beautiful to see
Such differences
In the lines we write
Each gorgeously courageous
Unique and strange
We find pleasure in each other's thoughts
Inspire the next
Encourage
And empower

It's hot
And I mean hot
Our cheeks are Rosey
Our naps are long
We wake up to the sun just barely set

Middle of nowhere
Side of a highway
Living off ciggerette smoke
Hot air
And tough love
The sun is sweltering
The lake is swampy
Jump right in the waters green
**** is the past time
And Walmarts the big trip
Will you ever leave here
Your down to your last dip

Happiness is long stretched out moments of smiles
Happiness is your baby calling out "mama!" *** she loves and needs you
It's having a sweet day with your partner
Though it's been rough
Happiness is peace amidst this war we call life
It's seeing the ones you love build families
It's family blood or adopted
Happiness is writing,
Talking
Expressing without fear
It's having someone who understands
Happiness is togetherness
Keeping life full
Today
Is happiness

I'm not a wash cloth
Only so many times one can be ringed out
Most of my worth is gone
And I've faded
Suppose to be new
But been used too many **** times to count
Keep thinking I'll get there
Yet each set back comes less tears
This is life
Take a look in the mirror
This is who I am
Set loose goals
Never make em
Keep running
Hoping to take them from someone whose not looking
Unsuccessfully
Life is to short to work this hard
Life's too short to do nothing
I know I'm not alone
Got my baby looking
My bestest
My right hand
She's watching my every move
If I act like I'm overwhelmed she'll notice
My cover will be blown
So I keep my head as high as my heart will let me
Keep it pushing
Keep scraping by
Hopefully my hard work pays off
Before I die

She pushes the blade against her skin
Hoping this will be the last time she's tired
She wouldn't really do it
But she dances on the razors edge
Thinking strongly about all the pain she feels
Maybe all the pain she feels she inflicts
She feels selfish
Never able to express what's really on her mind
Always lying
Crying
Dying
Knotted up inside
Confused
She's strong and even though it feels weak
She fantasizes about when she was able to slice her skin open and watch herself bleed
Before she had to care
She's glad she's alive but she wishes for her own life with her baby and a new start
No more temporary homes
No more lost love
No more pain
She longs for a future that doesn't look bleak
For a relationship where she's able to speak
She feels stupid
She feels unforgiving
Ungrateful
She can't help it
She feels deeply
When shes happy
Deeply when she's sad