I'm confused
Why is it that gender plays such a huge role in life?
I'm starting to hate men and all that they are
Beginning to realize all that's evil
I see no right in who they are
What they stand for
Disgusting
I don't know why i'm having feelings like this
I've never thought this way before
Maybe because to a man its simple being a *****
Because a women's value is only so much as what the opposite *** sees them as
Am i wrong?
Maybe I am
Doesn't change the fact that i'm cringing when they look at me
Scowling when they talk
I wish i didn't feel this way
Id probably be allot happier
But its gross how they walk how they talk
I'm sorry. I don't understand anymore

And suddenly
He's all I see
All I need
I never thought I'd be happy again
With another
We
Eachother
Yes

The most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes apon
So warm
So sweet
Like your favorite peice of candy
She's so smart
Brilliant
Her heart
So pure and perfect
Skin so soft
Porcelain
So fragile
And God a set of lungs on her
I never knew I could love anything more than I love her
I Rock her
Until her eyes flutter shut
I start to hear her snore
And I wish I could stay still
Silent like this forever
Because this moment is magical
and at the same time I want to wake her
Just so I can make her smile or giggle again
I love her more than my heart can bare
I'm amazed that my body created such perfection
That this happiness was inside me
I promised her I'd never leave
Promise that id be the one to dry her tears
that id always put her first
Give her what's best
Try my hardest to be the woman
The mother that she needs
I'll never betray my baby
Never break her heart
I'm here for you baby girl
Rori
All the way to the end
You are my heart

It's beautiful to see
Such differences
In the lines we write
Each gorgeously courageous
Unique and strange
We find pleasure in each other's thoughts
Inspire the next
Encourage
And empower

My expressions
Feel belittled
By lack of experience
I am yearning for absolute freedom
But know that I'd spoil it
With a bad decision
It's what I'm known for
Choosing the wrong people
Eating the wrong foods
Walking the wrong path
I'm just all wrong
Maybe
There's something alright with that
At least I'm consistent
Like " don't get to excited"
I'll probably just let you down
One of those types of people
Like "she's cool but....."
I'm never okay
Always sick
Mentally
Physically
You all just might as well give up
Nothing grand to see here

It's the worst feeling
Growing to comfortable with something
Someone
You lose the appreciation you once had
It's replaced with
Predictability
And even though your heart couldn't beat  without them
You feel tempted to run away
Start a new life
Or just restart everything
From the beginning
When everything was sweet
Smooth
When my blood boiled ever time we touched
I remember our first real fight
When we were so upset
We cried all night until morning
you mentioned me going back home
because you didn't want to put me  through all this
"*******"
But your **** was already my ****
I still don't know what I'd do without your ****
Or if I would've agreed with you
Would I be happy?
I ache even thinking about it
But still I'm bothered and hurt
By your disappointment in me
I lack everything I once had
And even though I gave you life
I still feel like gum on the bottom of your shoes
I know our love is stronger than most
I know that our hearts have been through the ringer
And we unapologetically stomp on them
Every now and then
But I feel like an eraser at the bottom of a pencil
Almost at its end
Becoming stale and useless
But God I love you
And I'll try to bring us back
I'll water you every morning until your happy again
Please just be my sun

Im in-between
I thrive in muck
But I am better
I try
But not hard enough
I know I can make a change
I just don't know
When I'll be strong enough
To peruse
Something new
And worth while
So I'm happy
But, not with myself
Because I'm better
Well I'm trying
But not hard enough

So long
It's been so long
Since I've been able to just let go
My life has changed drastically
My words
My thoughts
They've changed
They have so much more meaning
Since last I've lived
Running from world to world
Letting my walls down
Accepting someone's else's heart
Creating a heart inside me other than my own
I've become a stronger individual
I am beautiful
I am wicked and strong
I have become a queen of my own castle
Life is much lovlier here
This outlook that I've developed
I have become whole
So long
So long to the young girl
The reckless life I once had
Has been replaced with undying love
Passion
And tiny toes
So long

Middle of nowhere
Side of a highway
Living off ciggerette smoke
Hot air
And tough love
The sun is sweltering
The lake is swampy
Jump right in the waters green
**** is the past time
And Walmarts the big trip
Will you ever leave here
Your down to your last dip

Dear uncle Adam
I can't express my disappointment
My heart aches
And I can't shake this awful feeling
You hurt us all and broke our hearts
When they say that it's the drugs
I feel no sympathy
I remember your smile
Your brightness
I remember your laugh
You would taunt and ****
I would laugh
I look at these pictures of us
And it hurts so deeply
I said I wanted you to die
But I don't
I feel you are already gone
Are you gone?
Is this just your ****** scumbag shell
Or are you still inside there screaming
Do you need help?
Do want help?
Do you wish to die?
Why did you abandoned
Why did you choose something so destructive
Why can't you see that we're here for you
Why don't you want to get better
Why don't you love us?
Why do I love you?
At one point I remember being excited to see you
I felt hopeful hugging you
Knowing I had someone on my side
I felt you understood me
But now i don't know
Now I feel you were never truthful
When I never judged you
I feel angry and stupid
I believed in you
I let you in my home and I wanted to take care of you
But you scare me now
You stuck a needle in your arm less than 4 feet away from your child and your niece and my child
And I tried to act like that's not what happened
But i can't be blind
I can't sympathize
Even though I know your life was rough
I still don't get it
I do
But I don't
And I wish I could
Because I miss you
I miss you smile
And your laugh
I miss your life
I don't want you to die
But I feel you are gone
Your son deserved more
You deserved more
We cant make it right for you
I so wish I could have
Please don't die
Please fight
Please
I miss you

So many words to speak
So little ears to hear these endless run on sentences
That pour out of my mouth
Repetetive and loud
Sickening and angry
Like a broken record they say
I say
**** em
No one asked you
I'm just tellin

Just like that
A simple
Quick decision
Can make you throw caution to the wind,
Take another chance shall I?
Put everything on the line for what?
A few more months of strength?
A recovered love?
Could it would it change a thing?
For my family i'd do anything

And that time we'd planned for you to meet my parents
You'd gotten so nervous
Drank so much,
Could barely speak to them
Luckily they were just on there way to a movie
You came inside once they'd left
You went to my room and stripped **** naked
Sprawled out on my bed
With the dumbest grin on your face
I wanted to tell you then that I loved you

Things take time now
And I'm patient
Its hard to mistake
Passion
When all it really was
Was drama
Learning
Introducing
Listening
All new skills I'm obtaining
Slowly
I wanna run through it all
But I remember this
And I think I'll savor it this time
Make it worth while
Appreciate it
Water it
Watch it grow

It's 11:30 and it's just us
They've all gone to sleep
And though we've just met
We're like each 10 beers in and pretty invested in each other's company
I think we're both misunderstood
Kinda lonely people
Both lost
And we talk about whatever it is strangers talk about
We sit close
Both desperate for affection
We see something in eachother that we see in no one else
Dedication
We eventually give in and melt together
Since then been infused
Don't know when it started to spoil
But I wish it was like when you had me on the couch and we barley had a place to live and I was working and you were working harder and you ****** me like I'd never been ****** before
It was always like that
You were happy
So was I
Why did that stop?

Trying to find an outlet for this hurt
It slices right through me
Like a hot knife to butter
I'm helpless
Trying to fight my hardest
But can't fight my way out a paper bag
I make myself busy and try and push myself
But it just takes over
I wear it like a blanket now
And when I try to out think it
He slams it over my head like a hammer
And I'm helpless again
I feel like nothing
Worthless
Even when I know I'm not
I can't shake this awful feeling
That I'm useless
Without you
And it disgusts me

I love
So hard
And see the very best in each and every person
Sorry
I should've been less naive
Should've read between the lines
Seen the evil in his eyes
I just see a sad man
A confused mindless man
Whom I want to love so badly
I bleed and bleed in to him
Something doesn't click
And I'm alone and lost
But I'll find my way back
I just thought this time I wouldn't be alone
But maybe, it'll always be this way
It's the way things were meant to be
The way they were supposed to play out
Tragically
No fairy tale ending
Just a desert of sadness
Barren wasteland of a mind
While on pilot mode
Living for everyone else.

Soapy and wet
I write
Through the agony
Through my bittersweet thoughts
Things may never change
Am I lazy
Or depressed?
I'm not sure anymore
Lack of motivation
Of hope
And I see this smile
And I cant help but try
She motivates me just enough
But even I know
I'm the only one
Who can't dust myself off
And get back to me
So much has changed
And though I still feel like a child
Ive somehow become a mother
But a mother is not solely who I am
Even when it feels like it
I'm still confused
I'm still wondering
I feel confined
Lack of culture that surrounds me
I long for something much more wholesome
My own place
For my own family
I'm haunted by the past
Of which I had no part of
Afraid to drastically erase any hope of a dream I had
Grasping as tight as I can to an image we were sold
But never taught to achieve
I sit on the floor of the shower
And I write
Hoping that this spillage
Will get me through the night

Life kicks my ***
I try and keep productive
I try and keep positive
My *** still gets kicked
It gets heavier and heavier
And I know this is life
I know that most healthy people would be able to cope
See the issue and take action
But I'm numb with disappointment
I don't know when I'll be enough
There isn't enough tears
To fill the spaces
That would be filled with a sense of fulfillment
And self love.

There must've been a time we weren't arguing
But I just can't focus on those sweet moments
Seems as though those feelings will never return
Long lost in the past
I hate this
Hating you
Do I have an option?
This hurts
Us screaming
Telling truths that cutt
Using words that scar
We may be too far gone
I want to keep going
I'm running out of oxygen
Drowning
Trapped in denial
Just barely making it
When do I give up?

I am to literal
Can I take a joke?
It's been hard lately
Don't you think?
I don't know life goes on

Does it?


If the world implodes
Will our spirits evolve?
Or will we be nothing?
Are we even anything?
Could our souls reach a new planet
Where we exist in personality and voice
Is that what heaven is?

Maybe if I close my eyes
Real tight
I'll open them and everything will be alright
No more pain
No more stress
No more aching in my chest
No more sad recollections of what could have been
Action is so hard
When all you need is sleep
But how can I sleep anymore
There's so much that needs to be done
So many songs
That have yet to be sung
Do I want to keep singing?
Do I want to run?
Away?

It's hot
And I mean hot
Our cheeks are Rosey
Our naps are long
We wake up to the sun just barely set

I want to feel you
All around
Want to look to you for guidance
I want a reason for being here right now
Want to be surrounded by people that make me proud
I embarrassed by the thought
So disgusted by my absence
I try to gather information
Try and figure out which group would fit me
But it is me who needs to mold myself
But where do I begin
And how do I make that move
And will you love me
Even if I've been wrong in my past
Even if I've told people you were wrong
Will you love me as I find you?

Somehow I got all the answers
Got em all jotted down in this brain
They come out of nowhere and I'm not quite sure how I come up with these answers
They make ******* sense
And people tell me all there *******
And I listen
I tell them like I'm some ******* shrink
They take my word
And I know nothing
They say I gotta a old soul or some ****
Maybe I do
And if I do, whose soul I got?

Happiness is long stretched out moments of smiles
Happiness is your baby calling out "mama!" *** she loves and needs you
It's having a sweet day with your partner
Though it's been rough
Happiness is peace amidst this war we call life
It's seeing the ones you love build families
It's family blood or adopted
Happiness is writing,
Talking
Expressing without fear
It's having someone who understands
Happiness is togetherness
Keeping life full
Today
Is happiness

Am I kidding myself ?
Can either of us truly change?
Or am I wasting time
Unhappy
Drowning in a pool of tears
Will he ever want to make me happy?
And will I ever want to accept who he is ?
My heart is in my throat
As I think of these truths
I just ate a half a pizza
And I'm still sad
I just screamed at my daughter
Because I'm alone
It's not her fault
She misses her daddy
She's acting out
Sometimes
It's just hard
He's not here
Even when he is........
And I cant think of anything positive other than
I just love him
And I want him to be a better man
And I want us to grow old together
And I want us to look back at our long life and all our children and our house and animals
And be proud
But I still just don't know
If I can make it
I just love him
And I don't know when it's going to stop hurting and when my body will tell me what to do

I'm not a wash cloth
Only so many times one can be ringed out
Most of my worth is gone
And I've faded
Suppose to be new
But been used too many **** times to count
Keep thinking I'll get there
Yet each set back comes less tears
This is life
Take a look in the mirror
This is who I am
Set loose goals
Never make em
Keep running
Hoping to take them from someone whose not looking
Unsuccessfully
Life is to short to work this hard
Life's too short to do nothing
I know I'm not alone
Got my baby looking
My bestest
My right hand
She's watching my every move
If I act like I'm overwhelmed she'll notice
My cover will be blown
So I keep my head as high as my heart will let me
Keep it pushing
Keep scraping by
Hopefully my hard work pays off
Before I die

New town
New home
New heart
Should have done this from the start
Keep trying to convince him
That our love can stand being apart
Through the pain I try as hard as I truly can
But no matter how hard
You still show me you cant be a man
What is a man
And who is a woman
And are we not defined?
I wonder these thoughts deeply
Now my feet have left the sand
My soul is buried deep in the lake
Yours deep in the snow
I thought this move would make it easier
but yet I still dont know
The guilt that covers my body
Each time I think of leaving
And sometimes when I picture this
My eyes well up with tears
Of something I may miss
I wish the stars could guide me
Down the path of which was right
But there's nothing I can do
Except, try and get some sleep tonight