And a whole new me
Clearer
Unsolicited
Gaslit
And ready to go.
Sober
Stable
I sit at the edge of the bed ridding my confusion
I'm done fixing myself for you
Done making myself smaller
Sick of losing my control
I am so much more than this
So much more than being high
So much more than another body to sleep with
More than a mother
More than a partner
More than a woman
I'm screaming on the inside
Trying to break these chains
Trying to end this cycle
I try so hard
I'm sick of feeling like ive never been enough.
I'm so much more than enough

My stomachs filled with fire
Your not supposed to look down
Suppose to look up at the clouds
And take a leap
But i feel these chains wrapped around my leges keeping me still
And im looking down
Im scared if I leap
I'll drown
I want to jump
Hard
I want to let go
If i hit the water too hard
Ill shatter
Ill ruin everything
I've tried so hard to keep together
And im feeling weak
And im feeling strong
And im so confused
Will i ever be able to look up?

She pushes the blade against her skin
Hoping this will be the last time she's tired
She wouldn't really do it
But she dances on the razors edge
Thinking strongly about all the pain she feels
Maybe all the pain she feels she inflicts
She feels selfish
Never able to express what's really on her mind
Always lying
Crying
Dying
Knotted up inside
Confused
She's strong and even though it feels weak
She fantasizes about when she was able to slice her skin open and watch herself bleed
Before she had to care
She's glad she's alive but she wishes for her own life with her baby and a new start
No more temporary homes
No more lost love
No more pain
She longs for a future that doesn't look bleak
For a relationship where she's able to speak
She feels stupid
She feels unforgiving
Ungrateful
She can't help it
She feels deeply
When shes happy
Deeply when she's sad

All were ever getting is older
We dont even pay for it
Its just given to us
Some of us get sweeter
And some of us get angrier  
I just hope i get happier

In the midst of finding who you are
You lost yourself
And once again your searching
Only this time you've lost yourself within another version of you
And your not sure if each of you can co exist
Your not certain which is your truest form
Or if there is yet to be another version
Where your better than the rest
And whatever version you are now is ******* *** your in this endless limbo
Not sure where you'll end up next
Just hoping its not down

Each time you hurt me
I normalize it a little more
Finding excuses for our behavior
As if this is the way all people love
Deep down I know
We know
It's rotten
We've rotted to the core
But we hang on
We strangle each other
And though we both gasp for air
We just let ourselves go
Let each other beat one another down
Till we're nothin
Nothin but pain and hurt
When once I wasn't perfect but I was me I was sunshine in a pistol
And you were someone I thought I needed to know
Thought I needed to love
I had seen you
And I saw the love that you lacked
It drew me in like a spider to its prey
You spun me in your web
Made me feel safe and loved
And I loved you like there was no one watching
No matter what I stuck like glue
And I still do
I just wish what was happening wasn't true
Is your web coming undone?
Has my sunshine faded?
Will we be nothing did we drag each other through all this ache for nothing?

I guess I never cared if I was great
I just wanted to enjoy it
Wanted to gain something
I think I always do
I think it takes too long
Until i realize its been awhile
I hate how tastes change
One day im obsessed
The next id forgotten how much i appreciated that peice of art
Like it didnt exist
Like it wasnt my life
I just get lost in nothing
Things that are so un important
And i just want that need and want
For simplicity once again
But things just keep getting heavier
More complicated
Maybe those are just my thoughs weighing in
Making a dramatically different approach on how ive viewed things lately
Maybe we are just non stop changing
Sometimes i think we're just sad
And theres no reason
And we make all these excuses why when maybe its just so simple
I need fresh air
And a change of scenery
And im probably ready to be alone in the middle of a lake on a hot summers day surrounded by towering pine trees
I know
Oddly specific
but I just think ive been over thinking
Doing nothing
And im just ready for more
or less
Make sense?

We thought this magic would never end
That our youth would be forgiving
We thought that we were never wrong
And we thought love wasn't pretending
But the the sun has set on us
And all the glitters began to fade
As soon as we accept the darkness
Our innocence is up for trade