Each time you hurt me
I normalize it a little more
Finding excuses for our behavior
As if this is the way all people love
Deep down I know
We know
It's rotten
We've rotted to the core
But we hang on
We strangle each other
And though we both gasp for air
We just let ourselves go
Let each other beat one another down
Till we're nothin
Nothin but pain and hurt
When once I wasn't perfect but I was me I was sunshine in a pistol
And you were someone I thought I needed to know
Thought I needed to love
I had seen you
And I saw the love that you lacked
It drew me in like a spider to its prey
You spun me in your web
Made me feel safe and loved
And I loved you like there was no one watching
No matter what I stuck like glue
And I still do
I just wish what was happening wasn't true
Is your web coming undone?
Has my sunshine faded?
Will we be nothing did we drag each other through all this ache for nothing?

My expressions
Feel belittled
By lack of experience
I am yearning for absolute freedom
But know that I'd spoil it
With a bad decision
It's what I'm known for
Choosing the wrong people
Eating the wrong foods
Walking the wrong path
I'm just all wrong
Maybe
There's something alright with that
At least I'm consistent
Like " don't get to excited"
I'll probably just let you down
One of those types of people
Like "she's cool but....."
I'm never okay
Always sick
Mentally
Physically
You all just might as well give up
Nothing grand to see here

Maybe if I close my eyes
Real tight
I'll open them and everything will be alright
No more pain
No more stress
No more aching in my chest
No more sad recollections of what could have been
Action is so hard
When all you need is sleep
But how can I sleep anymore
There's so much that needs to be done
So many songs
That have yet to be sung
Do I want to keep singing?
Do I want to run?
Away?

Soapy and wet
I write
Through the agony
Through my bittersweet thoughts
Things may never change
Am I lazy
Or depressed?
I'm not sure anymore
Lack of motivation
Of hope
And I see this smile
And I cant help but try
She motivates me just enough
But even I know
I'm the only one
Who can't dust myself off
And get back to me
So much has changed
And though I still feel like a child
Ive somehow become a mother
But a mother is not solely who I am
Even when it feels like it
I'm still confused
I'm still wondering
I feel confined
Lack of culture that surrounds me
I long for something much more wholesome
My own place
For my own family
I'm haunted by the past
Of which I had no part of
Afraid to drastically erase any hope of a dream I had
Grasping as tight as I can to an image we were sold
But never taught to achieve
I sit on the floor of the shower
And I write
Hoping that this spillage
Will get me through the night

I am to literal
Can I take a joke?
It's been hard lately
Don't you think?
I don't know life goes on

Does it?


If the world implodes
Will our spirits evolve?
Or will we be nothing?
Are we even anything?
Could our souls reach a new planet
Where we exist in personality and voice
Is that what heaven is?

Dear uncle Adam
I can't express my disappointment
My heart aches
And I can't shake this awful feeling
You hurt us all and broke our hearts
When they say that it's the drugs
I feel no sympathy
I remember your smile
Your brightness
I remember your laugh
You would taunt and ****
I would laugh
I look at these pictures of us
And it hurts so deeply
I said I wanted you to die
But I don't
I feel you are already gone
Are you gone?
Is this just your ****** scumbag shell
Or are you still inside there screaming
Do you need help?
Do want help?
Do you wish to die?
Why did you abandoned
Why did you choose something so destructive
Why can't you see that we're here for you
Why don't you want to get better
Why don't you love us?
Why do I love you?
At one point I remember being excited to see you
I felt hopeful hugging you
Knowing I had someone on my side
I felt you understood me
But now i don't know
Now I feel you were never truthful
When I never judged you
I feel angry and stupid
I believed in you
I let you in my home and I wanted to take care of you
But you scare me now
You stuck a needle in your arm less than 4 feet away from your child and your niece and my child
And I tried to act like that's not what happened
But i can't be blind
I can't sympathize
Even though I know your life was rough
I still don't get it
I do
But I don't
And I wish I could
Because I miss you
I miss you smile
And your laugh
I miss your life
I don't want you to die
But I feel you are gone
Your son deserved more
You deserved more
We cant make it right for you
I so wish I could have
Please don't die
Please fight
Please
I miss you

The most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes apon
So warm
So sweet
Like your favorite peice of candy
She's so smart
Brilliant
Her heart
So pure and perfect
Skin so soft
Porcelain
So fragile
And God a set of lungs on her
I never knew I could love anything more than I love her
I Rock her
Until her eyes flutter shut
I start to hear her snore
And I wish I could stay still
Silent like this forever
Because this moment is magical
and at the same time I want to wake her
Just so I can make her smile or giggle again
I love her more than my heart can bare
I'm amazed that my body created such perfection
That this happiness was inside me
I promised her I'd never leave
Promise that id be the one to dry her tears
that id always put her first
Give her what's best
Try my hardest to be the woman
The mother that she needs
I'll never betray my baby
Never break her heart
I'm here for you baby girl
Rori
All the way to the end
You are my heart

It's the worst feeling
Growing to comfortable with something
Someone
You lose the appreciation you once had
It's replaced with
Predictability
And even though your heart couldn't beat  without them
You feel tempted to run away
Start a new life
Or just restart everything
From the beginning
When everything was sweet
Smooth
When my blood boiled ever time we touched
I remember our first real fight
When we were so upset
We cried all night until morning
you mentioned me going back home
because you didn't want to put me  through all this
"*******"
But your **** was already my ****
I still don't know what I'd do without your ****
Or if I would've agreed with you
Would I be happy?
I ache even thinking about it
But still I'm bothered and hurt
By your disappointment in me
I lack everything I once had
And even though I gave you life
I still feel like gum on the bottom of your shoes
I know our love is stronger than most
I know that our hearts have been through the ringer
And we unapologetically stomp on them
Every now and then
But I feel like an eraser at the bottom of a pencil
Almost at its end
Becoming stale and useless
But God I love you
And I'll try to bring us back
I'll water you every morning until your happy again
Please just be my sun

So long
It's been so long
Since I've been able to just let go
My life has changed drastically
My words
My thoughts
They've changed
They have so much more meaning
Since last I've lived
Running from world to world
Letting my walls down
Accepting someone's else's heart
Creating a heart inside me other than my own
I've become a stronger individual
I am beautiful
I am wicked and strong
I have become a queen of my own castle
Life is much lovlier here
This outlook that I've developed
I have become whole
So long
So long to the young girl
The reckless life I once had
Has been replaced with undying love
Passion
And tiny toes
So long

Not quite sure if what your doing
Is right?
Or if what I'm doing  is just plain moronic
I don't even Know if I should put much thought into this
I'll never tell you truly how I feel
And neither will you
So were hopelessly ******* away the sadness that we So greatly hide
We're wound so tight
Bound to snap sometime
And if it's me that you snap at
I won't be mad
As long as your happy
I'll take this mild abuse
I'll take your drunk calls
Your perversions that keep me up
Mind wandering in to spaces I never thought existed
Beautiful lustful places
I'm not ready to be a mother
But your not even ready to be my lover
My love
But you are
Mine
I refuse to think you've given your love to someone else
Since we've laid hands on each other
If so
I don't like to think about It
I read people easily
But you
I can't tell the slightest
And it makes me so insecure
So imprisoned
Its terrifying
I know of i don't see you for months
When we meet each other's gaze once again
It'll be as if you never left
You never forgot
I never forget
I always remember
Your unsteady breathing
I can feel it on my neck even when your gone it haunts me
And now I hate you for making me feel so much
But so desperately wanting to feel so little
Because as long as this lasts
It won't be forever
And you think your clever
But I know better

And I don't even know why I cant stop
I can feel my heart
THUD
THUD
THUD
I can feel theirs too
I can smell the stale beer that I spilled
That was weeks ago
The lights at night they beg
They pleed
For me, they want to take my soul
Want to give it history
They want to challenge its strength
But they soon find the strength hidden
Not ready to show itself
It's okay, my blood needed to boil
My heart, need be ripped out
Let it
If i'm going to live
I'm going to give it a cause
I'm living for
for the endless nights
The whispers in the wind
Puking on the way home
Crying till drifting to sleep
Screaming whenever allowed
I'm living for every bruise
Every laugh and smile
Every sad ending
The miracles
I'm living for my own selfishness
I'm not even worthy to be heard
But it will happen
and this is what truly keeps me
Thriving
Through every drunken night
falling down the stairs
Sneaking into bars
smirking at young men
That are rather un tasteful
It'll be worth it
who knows where this will lead me
I dont care anymore
My life will be filled negative
Positive
Allot more in-between
I'm giving in and letting my heart
My stupid heart
I'm letting it lead me into the worst
WORST circumstances
I'll keep it up until its over
And maybe I'll never understand
But maybe you will
And maybe i'll stop speaking
But i find that very unlikely

Truest of tears
maybeline smeared
Ripped nylons
Stale cigarettes
Strong stench of **** and *****
Old budlight
Wrong answers
Quick fixes
White lighters
Dancing on park bench tables
Wobbling
"i'm not scared of the dark" she said
Bruises fill her white milky skin
With stories of brutality
Adventures
Long nights with strange men
Strange boys*
"I am not afraid of the light" shes says
"I never doubted you" he said
"you should" she says
She takes a ****
Lights a smoke
Dances around
Nike socks
And a wife beater
Sweaty and nauseous
"You disgust me" she says
"Than leave" he says
But i wont
I'm to high right now

I'm confused
Why is it that gender plays such a huge role in life?
I'm starting to hate men and all that they are
Beginning to realize all that's evil
I see no right in who they are
What they stand for
Disgusting
I don't know why i'm having feelings like this
I've never thought this way before
Maybe because to a man its simple being a *****
Because a women's value is only so much as what the opposite *** sees them as
Am i wrong?
Maybe I am
Doesn't change the fact that i'm cringing when they look at me
Scowling when they talk
I wish i didn't feel this way
Id probably be allot happier
But its gross how they walk how they talk
I'm sorry. I don't understand anymore

As naïve I was
as harmless
he was wrong

As stupid I was
as careless
I was wrong

But if two wrongs made a right this wouldn't hurt so badly

And suddenly
He's all I see
All I need
I never thought I'd be happy again
With another
We
Eachother
Yes

****
It's seems like no matter how hard I vent
No matter how many words are spoken
How many words are typed
There is so much left unsaid
This is why its been so ******* hard to get over your ***
Please leave me alone ......
Please bother me?
Please
I'm so contradictive
But I swear if you asked me back
I'd cry and fall into your arms
I'm such a *****
Why can't I except you don't want me anymore?
Why can't I stop thinking about you?
Why does this hurt so much?
Did you really have to start this and end it so quickly?
Couldn't you have just told me how you really felt?
Why can't I stop crying?
These recurring dreams make waking up so much harder, ****!
I don't want them to end.........
There isn't much I'd honestly say if you were right here next to me.
Because I'm scared now of your rejection
And even though you say I made you happy
Deep down I know its some *******
Or maybe its not
But its easier to feel like you hated me
Because I hate me
And you made allot harder to understand men
To understand you
Even though you were already so complicated to read
I just wanna touch you one last time
*******
Slap you
Cry with you
I know there was something so much deeper between us that you weren't telling me
And now I'll never know
Just like these words you'll never know

Every night I stare into your huge brown eyes
Hoping that they'll never leave my locked gaze
I try and hold on but I know eventually you'll fade away
I keep on trying to hold on to your voice
But as the days go by I start to replace your voice with similar sounds
Like the sounds of the passing busses
The ones that passed us by while making love
at 3 am on the bus stop
I do remember your smell
So when I smell cheap ciggerettes and old spice deodorant it drives me nuts
Your touch is was gets me because I know I'll never feel this ever again
I'll never be reminded of how amazing this fealt
I never knew this would be so hard
So now I'm staring into your big brown eyes wishing so badly that this wasnt a dream
Wishing that somehow I'd run into you
Wishing that you'd realize you miss my sound miss my smell and miss my touch
Wishing you missed us

Torn like a brand new sweater
One that you had been waiting forever to get
Saving all that you had for that sweater
The thread finally came to an end
To soon if you asked me
But you never did
Swallowing and savoring the last of that bitterness you left on my toungue
****
I'd be devoured by pain
But your to fine
Too okay
Little things can set me off
Seeing things that I once saw
I don't want to
They just appear  like magic
My mind is torturing me
When he touches me I am numb
For your fingers are all I can feel
When he kisses me
I cringe
For your lips are all I can taste
How I long for an ending to these prolonged feelings
You continue to be amazing
Which is what hurts the most
I don't know how long this will last
But for now
I guess i'm half empty

I'm pretty sure i'm lost
In life
In love
In lust
The constant confusion between life and death
I'm always hanging by a thread
Shooting blank smiles to the strangers that pass
While my mind sinks deep inside to a place where only travlers find "The Past"
I burrow below, under ground
I'm numb and cold I hear no sound
Trusting only loved ones
Scared like a cat
The only ones that can tear my heart out
Just like that!
I'm willing to listen if I feel its worthy
Though most unspoken thoughts
The ones that intriuge me.

I'm sorry I can't voice my thoughts
Can't look at you dead in the eyes
I'll cry
I wonder why you can't just tell me?
How you feel
Do you even care
Do you even feel?
I care too much, feel too much
I want you to hold me
Tell me that all you need is us
All you need is our soft embrace and sweet kisses
But I know thats not all you need
Thats all I need
I'm serious
I can live off your love
And be happy for the rest of my life
But you don't feel me like I feel you
You want change you want excitement
But too me you are change you are that excitement
That i've needed for so long
Sometimes I feel like falling in a ditch waiting for you too save me
But for some reason I don't think you'd arrive
Maybe I'm too dependant
I don't know
I wish I did
Give my heart a break tell me whats real and tell me whats fiction
My body is swallowed whole by confusion
There is no way to tell anymore
Set my heart free
Tell Me

What have you done
You've erased all that was once secure locked up inside
Never too see the light
I'm cracked now
It's okay
If anyone else,
It'd be a shame
But you........
Your amazing
Breathe taking
I never thought it'd be this hard
These feelings so complicated
I can never understand my own emotions anymore
I often wonder if you feel the same
I'm too afraid to ask
Scared that you won't
It feels almost unreal
Like how could you
Want me?
I guess I should just take this luck and run with it
Don't want you to second guess
But if its me you want its me you'll get
All of me
I want all of you
Sometimes your silence makes me nervous
Your so brave
Every single second of the day
There is some constant reminder of you
Maybe i'm just crazy
Maybe i'm obsessed
Or maybe i'm finally in love

The truth is
I am just a pudgy
Teenage girl
Crazy hair
And a head full of disgusting thoughts
I am strange, I exceed the wierdometer
I watch ****, for fun
I laugh the loudest
Cry the longest
I'm lazy
Passionate
Kind hearted
I say things that don't need to be said
I talk way too much
I am fragile though give off a "never upset" exteriror
I eat too much pizza
Only because it's gods gift
I smoke till I pass out
Because its the one thing that keeps me calm
Did I mention I have ADHD
I'm a mess you see
But thats all I can be
It's me.

If I was sent to prison
I'd meet the most beautiful criminal
And she'd fall for me
We'd be together while our sentence dwindled
And we'd make love on the top bunk
While the other inmates swindle
I'd be happy I wasn't alone
I wouldn't want to go home
Without her......
I'd forget the rest
And cup her *******
Make her know
That i'm the best
Prison life would be so sweet
if I had my love at my feet
My property, till she changes
past the cells we share sweet exchanges

I will never under estimate the beauty of a woman, I hardly have the strength to tell these ******* no. I'm blinded by perfection.............#superhomo

In the begining I was blind
But now I see too clearly
The nonsense is over
And now I am growing
Fairwell to what was
Hello to fresh start
I'm building myself up
And letting the old fall apart
I quite frankly could care less
Of what they have got to say now
Because now I'm getting mines
And jealousy can ****
Not me but you
So step it up ladies and you'll be fresh too

I've seen you quite a few times
Reacurring visits you made to me
In my dreams
You are of dark complexton
And ***** hair
Your a wide smile
That keeps me loaded
Your body
An amazing piece of architecture
Though your beauty soars beyond its means
You denie any truth of this
Your continuous laughter
Keeps my heart light
You speak of love
Of ***
You speak of my beauty
Though I disagree
We play like children
Not quite as inocent as it all has seemed
You have ran back and forth through all of my dreams
Up and down my blood you have streamed
I have fallen in love with a figment of imagination
Though real in my heart
I cry at the recognition
You are not physical
I cannot hold you in my hands
Caress your face with my fingertips
You cannot press your lips against mine
cannot let our hands intertwine
You share your thoughts with me
And I share mine
I see you night and day
While i'm in bed
Or in my head
I hope too see you
One day in the flesh
So we can color the pavement with gold
And count the stars
Untill we get to old
Now your a just a fantasy
Eating at my reality
Confusing me with what is and what is not real

For those who have left us
Those who couldn't handle the pain
Too the people who kept pushing
Ended they're lives
Too the ones who comtributed to the hate
Made it harder to go on
*******
I travel to the moment they tie the noose
I take them by the heart
I see all their hurt
I cry, I wish I could have stopped them
If only I could have made a change
Some way
Maybe they'd still be breathing
Maybe they would be making changes now
If only the rope wasn't strong enough
Surely they never thought they would do it
Never thought that what was going through their mind was this seriousness
This agony
I feel for the mourners the people who loved
I am a mourner of faceless broken hearts
I want to help
Want to help these kids
Taking their lives
Please let me help you
Please, don't break my heart
I feel that if they leave
What am I to do
**** myself too?
I will not let them
******* my mind
Though quite weak already
I will make a change
This cannot happen anymore
I won't let it.

Is it weird
That you see my hair and think of the sun?
My smile is of fake compliments given by everyone
My kindness bares unconditionally
Though I am misunderstood
Please love me
Though I don't love myself
Teach me
Though I'm to stubborn to learn
Too naive to understand
I want to
No one will let me
Not a soul wants to clean this up
Put together whats been broken for years
I'm sorry i'm not what you expected
I wish I was

Sorry
I don't see it
Don't see the beauty
Don't see the happiness
I'm sick
I am disgusted
I am nothing
Nothing but a gray cloud in the sky
Not even caring to take a second glance
Not worth it
Not enough
You laugh because I am a joke
You cry because you feel bad
I laugh because I can't cry.....
I smile because I can't frown......
Your words mean nothing
Though sweet as can be
The more you say them
The more I am confused with "ME"
I think I was put here to entertain
But if that was true I would have been blessed with talent.
I try and take away whats their
But it always creeps its way back
Makes me nervous
Lets me know
That i'll never be good enough
Never be okay
Always insane
But i'm fine

Of ****
It's that feeling
that you can't quite describe
That pit in your stomach
that keeps swirling around
Like a cat chasing its tale
Urmm this is what I live for
I love it
But i hate it
The anticipation
The fantasies
It's so much more fun too build up
Your going to have too hold me down
*** i'm flying through my imagination
Thinking of the possiblities
They're endless
A stranger
Yet someone I've seen a thousand times before
I've lost myself to fiction
Somewhere between
Peter Pan and Cinderella
I can't control my movements
I'll jump in excitement
Over a simple thought of us brushing against eachother
As we pass by
Nervous yet Invigorated
What will this unveil?

I'm ugly
But not too ugly
not the ugly thats unbearable
I am not the most intelligent
This I can admit
Though I admire those who are
I am not skinny
Not even close
And I strive too only be healthy
I am not happy all the time
Though bystanders may think so
I am ok.
But still besides these facts
I am me
I am a jumble of imperfection
I strive on giggles and slight awkwardness
That keeps your heart beating at an unsteady pace
I am a loud music seeker
I am a lip locker
I am a secret in a box waiting to explode
I am a **** toucher
A star gazer
A lazy walker
A cat lover
An emotional movie watcher
A hand holder
A heart breaker
A friend
I am ugly but not that ugly
I live beneath my strengths
And my quirks that complete me

Stuck between a field of weeds
And a garden of gremlins
You are above
Staring at me
Contradicting, telling me who to love
With thoughts that never end
Interrupting my sleep
Secrets spilling through the cracks of my teeth
It never stops
It just keeps going
And my body will never choose
How many will I have to loose?
Pick a side any side
If only it were this easy
I wobble from left to right
East too west
But yet it only keeps me queezy
My heart speaks to my mind
In sorrow
But brain says there will be a better tomorrow
Choose wiseley before its too late
But I'll sit in confusion
Till I step up to the plate
Infatuation is in lust
But true love has all but disenigrated to dust
What we thought was true
Has all turned around as a lie that was told by you

I don’t consider myself an intellectual.
And this is not one of my aims.
But I admire intellectual people.

She stares in to my eyes
I feel the pain behind hers
I run my fingers through her hair
She smiles
We kiss
She takes my hand in hers
I can hear the thumping of her heart
Most people don't phaze me
I can drop them without a thought
You stole my soul
You can keep it
We lay down beside eachother
Half way embraced
Am I really this lucky
I watch you get up and light a ciggerette
You come back and sit down on my lap
I smile
You hand me the ciggerette
But before I could take a drag you kiss me
Again and again
Until I can hardly breathe
I like this feeling
Breatheless only because you have taken all my air
Your fine red lips trace mine
They tingle
I can't stop myself from smiling
You laugh
"I've never been this happy"
You say
"Me either"
I say
We lay their quietly
Staring at eachother
In complete ecstacy
"i'm so glad your mine"

You breathe down my neck with such intensity
I try not too break you but your so fragile
Maybe you don't understand what its like
Too be young and free
You want too trap me
Smother me
I made a mistake by doing this too you
Just caught  up in my own selfsih game
I realize now what I want
What I need
It's not you
Can I tell you that?
Without hurt
I can't keep running
Can't keep doing you like this
I can't keep doing myself like this
I want freedom
I want love
I want her love
Not yours
I'm sorry
But you have too let go