Alexis K

Alexis K Dec 2023

Alive

I've never felt alive
I've always just been surviving.
It's harder than yesterday now.
I wish to feel like the living.

I'm too exhausted.
Too exhausted to have hobbies.
To have interests.
To watch TV.
To care.

If I'm not on autopilot, I am a mess.
I'm breaking down, unable to move.
Unable to care about those I love.
That can't be living either.
So I just survive.
Barely.
It's hard today.

I hope to be alive one day
But hope is fleeting and deceiving.

#deadoralive #depression #suicidal

Alexis K Dec 2023

Control

I'm tired of not being in control.
Of not having choices.
"Everything is a choice!"
Yea, no. If I made the choices,
I'd go to sleep tonight, and never again.

I loathe not being in control.
Not having choices.
My thoughts run themselves, no matter my desire.
How I wish I could stop thinking.
How I wish I could control my emotions.

I wish I was in control of my own body.

#depression #mentalillness

Alexis K Dec 2023

Partner

I am the partner.
The partner that reminds you,
You're doing a good job.
Especially when all you can do is get out of bed.

The partner that drives to get your safe food,
After a long day of work so that you eat.
The partner that checks in regularly.
The partner that will always take care of you.

I am the partner.
The partner that slowly falls apart.
Because I will only always take care of you.

Dec 2023

Morgan Brehilt

Crickets

Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

Alexis K Dec 2023

I know

That's it is hard.
To see me like this.
Have you reminded yourself recently.
That I don't want to be like this?

Alexis K Dec 2023

Addiction

I've never been addicted
But I keep thinking about it.
Just taking one pill,
it might ease the pain.

All I want is for the pain to go away.
All I want is for my brain to quiet.

I've never been addicted,
But everytime I see an orange bottle,
I wonder what'd happen if I had my way.

Living sober is more of a feat than you think.

Alexis K Nov 2023

Return To Sender

This longing that is constant is not what I expected.
The weight of existing is a shotgun pointed at my temple.
Sometimes breathing and eating require too much.
The anxiety and detrimental stress consume me.

Return To Sender.
Please...