you never know how much
you truly suffer

until you’ve caused your
own sufferings

The swan perched its calm head
Above the dewy pond
To show it was there

The other swan fluttered
It’s wings wider
And the sun gazed on her

The perching swan sighed

The other swan sung
It’s enticing song

And the perched swan
Swam away with the widest of wings
The most beautiful voice

But

No one saw her until the other swan
Went away

And the dewy pond cleared up

Kids these days
Are not loyal
All they like to do is quarrel

I have no friends
Dont feel bad
It only makes me a little sad

These jaded puzzle pieces
We are only human
Leads some to ruin

I try to ignore and be patient
I would want forgiveness too
But sometimes your words and actions
Just make me so blue

I thought you were my friend
I guess i was wrong
Its easy to preach what is in a song

As i cry myself to sleep
Ill try to ignore the pain
And i guess not be so vain

you know what’s worse than killing yourself


failing at it

The grey cloud
Stretched the entirety of my
Visible world  
          

Vacant earth tears made
Themselves known to
My window

Why she smiles
Heres the story

She smiles
To make those
Who hurt her
Wonder why
She is

She smiles
To convince
Herself life
Isnt that bad

She smiles
To keep
From sleepless nights

She smiles
To prove
She is happy
When she is not

She smiles
To keep
From darkness
Staining her mind

This
stupid
Beautiful
Vain
Concieded
Crazy
Sensitive
Easy
Weird
Quiet­
Shy
Loud
Annoying
Clingy

Smiley girl

I was stuck in the bubble
I kept screaming at the people around me

but

they couldn’t hear or even see me
I was like the wind
invisible and quiet

but

I caused a tornado

I asked a simple question

“Can I die for you?”

I received a long and hard stare back

“No.”

I thought about that answer for a long time with the goal of forgiving you. Forgiving you for not loving me, never loving me. Forgiving myself for letting my love grow too much. I wanted to die for you, so you could live. But love doesn’t work like that, I guessed.

“Why?”

His reply;

“I’m already dead.”

defeated my mom turned to my dad and asked,

“what did we do wrong?”

He sighed

“I really don’t know.”


this is the third time i’ve heard this conversation in the past month

I look myself in the mirror and ask myself the same thing

I fell
And felt

And fell a little
More and felt a little more

So far down I fell
And so fast I went

In the deep blue
Vast and unknown

I knew what
Happened at the bottom

But I fell harder
And faster than ever before

At the possibility
That I didn’t know what would
Happen

But it did happen
Just like I thought

the lights flickered from the jolt of electricity

“CLEAR!”

the young girl’s chest bounced off the table and immediately back down

her eyes rolled back and then shut

“CLEAR!”

the other ER doctors pressed the defibrillator down with more urgency

and her body repeated the same movements
except this time the monitor flatlined
and she was dead

no longer pushing my
presence

keeping myself for
me

i’m so disappointed

in my mother

you could call me an ungrateful child

but jesus

all she does is blame me
and create all these problems within me
all these doubts
i wish i could say it’s from myself
but it all goes back to her

you won

your words won

they tore my soul to shreds and I don’t think i’ll be able to put them back together

ever

my incompetence

I’m sorry

full of color
but originating from

love
pain
infatuation
loss
trauma
frustration
distraction
lusting

poetry is a one of a kind art
unlike anything that draws what the
mind can’t put into a picture

I met you
and not to be dramatic
in the age where people don’t like each other
but I think I like you

in a way that feels comfortable
a knowing feeling

like a deep sigh of relief
like I knew you in a past life
and my soul is ready to reconnect with yours

She opened
A new
Book

And looked for answers in herself

She searched
And searched

All the

E
M
P
T
Y

Pages stared back

legs intertwined
and breath drawn

one heartbeat

and the sad fact it was over

rain droplets shadowed the clear
window

exposing what was there
but could never be

I got a feeling

This

This
Feeling


In my stomach

A desire unlike I’ve ever felt before
For you

i’m so tired

It was the two of us there
On that

Sandy
Windy
Salty

Beach

We walked to the spot
Destined for us

We sat there
And then we laid there
Cause we wanted too
And because we were bored

Bored teens looking for
Purpose
On a beach

when your a kid
you think your parents can do no wrong

then you grow up and see
that they do the most wrong

ruffling through the white bag
i found exactly what I wanted

the chips…

my sadness craved it

my heart opened
and i cried

not a typical cry

not a cry for attention
not a cry from falling on concrete
not a cry of happiness

this was chest open crying
translucent tears plastering my face

a raw real with yourself kind of cry

i closed my eyes

and there i was

all
alone

in the blink of an eye

everything was white
and i was warm
and i could hear singing

it was a strange place
but a comforting place

a….
familiar place

i’d like to think

there is more to me then the surface
that I can bring joy to lives

I blame others for not willing to try
to meet my deeper person

when my deeper person doesn’t
want to meet others

I’ll never forget that look of pain—
stained in my mind,
like bleach on black cotton

The unbearable depth of your eyes
imparted that anguish
straight into my soul

bitter salt
escaped the sea

at the rim of his lips the taste entered

and the saltiness
stung and stayed

for awhile like that in his mouth

just
like that it stayed

‘runt’

i’ll never get over it

‘you shouldn’t say that mom..’

‘well she is.’

stings & burns
on my whole heart

my whole heart
shattered to pieces by a few words

‘that really hurts to hear you say that mom.’

she shrugs
& brushes me off like a piece of lint
i look at the lint
feeling like I got punched in the gut

i walk away
to my dark bedroom
slamming my head to into my pillow
crying my eyes out
till I have a migraine for the rest of the night
leaving my self value
in the hands of the woman
who made me

Dear Dead Poet,

I read your poem to my class today.
They didn’t understand it.

I felt bad because they probably won’t ever think about the words that I read them again. Not ever

Maybe they will when the face the challenges you & I have. They’ll think about your words then.

But I wish they would listen now. I wish you were here now.

My classmates don’t understand & I doubt they ever will.

Dear Dead Poet please write me back when you can. I feel like you understand me or you are me.

Yours truly,

Dead Poet

Matte feelings
She craved matte feelings
Excluded from the world
Shielded from emotion

What was it like
To be happy
To have it all

The foggy rain
Without a paradise
Is all she knew

She had come to
Love it
Too much

i took the creamy crayon and swiped my face with it. i took the black wand and made my lashes look longer. i tilted my head back to see if my makeup needed adjusting, it didn’t. i thought i looked like the prettiest girl in the world, and for a second I was.

you invited me out, and i kept checking to make sure i looked good in my driver side mirror. i was so excited to see you, i really was. all i could think about was seeing you and being with you.

when i got there i saw you standing there but you couldn’t be bothered to notice me. i was invisible, but that’s ok i had but just got there. i waited but you never came, but that’s ok i’m not high maintenance i don’t need you around all the time.

i saw that girl i thought you liked a long time ago, it was never confirmed or denied. she was there but i thought she was with a guy who was also there. i’m not sure, but i’m not sure at what point it happened but a knot was starting to form in my stomach.

we decided to go to volleyball courts. me and some girls I just met. i saw you standing next to her and you seemed captivated by her. i understood. she is very beautiful, way more than I was & people love her too.  

i saw her hop in your car and you actually drove her to her car. that was nice. a boy has never done that for me.

you didn’t say goodbye when u left the plans you invited me too. but that’s ok really i understand.

i kissed your

cheeks

lips

neck

hands

but you burned my lips

with the tiny vibrations from your throat

my shriveled lips
and teary eyes were all that was left

I bleached
That strand till it was blond

With every second that passed

A new identity was manifested

the middle ground
between
war & peace

is reality

Have you ever heard yellow words before? They are so bright you just want them to yourself. To surround yourself with yellow words is the epitome of warmth. Say more yellow words and softness will enter people’s minds. Yellow words.

i wanted the classic

“good morning”

i didn’t want money
i didn’t want anything extraordinary

i wanted the classic

“i love you”

i wanted loyalty and trust

i wanted to be wanted


but that is too much

She could hide a lot of things but
her fingers

they never lie

she smiled
even laughed
but the short
freshly ripped up nails
exposed her

She got employee of the month
yet the sides of her nails were red
bright red
and raw

She showed up
for everyone in her life
but her fingers constantly twitched
every second of the day
they twitched


Her fingers never lied
She couldn’t put makeup on them
She couldn’t put a filter on them
She couldn’t tell them to be ok

The only thing that could heal her fingers

was her
and time

i read this poem that said

when you feel yourself falling in love
to let yourself fall

we don’t experience it often
so embrace it

enjoy it

and from that day I did. when love came to me, i truly let myself fall in love. in every way.

I let my thoughts wander to you daily and you started to lived in them. You became an occupant in my brain. You made my existence feel lighter. you being there was…it was so real, I was there. i felt it.

but

just like that something happened. I don’t know when it did but the days of smiling on my daily car rides, turned drives consisting of only silent tears. when sound sleep turned to one maybe two hours of sleep. but it did. and just when I thought I forgot the pain you caused me, I feel it all over again. i cry at work, in my car, in my bed, in the shower, the river of tears doesn’t have an end. you destroyed me in the softest way and i feel that pain everywhere and all the time.

so the next time someone advises you to experience love, don’t listen.

“girl it’s ‘hot girl summer,’ don’t get caught up with these ******.”

i understood but that statements was blanketed with unhappiness and insecurity. wanting to have fun but sacrificing so much for it. like drugs and war. we fought for drugs in the wrong places.

i’m struggling to piece together the words
to say to you but
you keep taking the pieces out of my hand

I can’t figure out what to say because you won’t let me say it

I froze

I didn’t know what to do

my inner monologue said,
‘if you go, you die. if you don’t go, you die.’

what the least painful
route to go

The devil danced
and God blessed him

The angel flew to the ends of the earth
and God scorned him

The devil laughed
and God laughed with him

The angel sought Gods approval
and God became angry

All these things happening on
the edge of Jupiter's rings

The devil and the angel
riding on the edge of
Jupiter's rings

i’ve been ghosted
way too many times

by guys who didn’t deserve my time
and my energy

i’ve been told i lack
so many things

i’ve been vulnerable
and it was pinned against me

all of these guys

One can only hope for a love

So bright

Like
Annabel lee
And the kingdom by the sea

Robbed of their joy
So prematurely

My eye lids bounced
For the first few seconds
When I first re-entered the world


It was quiet



All the thoughts that had slipped
Away
Returned

The morning sun rays
Peeked in through my single window
And rested on my plush blanket