you fight fire

with lighter fluid

something i’ve never seen

you expect the fire to go away
but it grows and grows

then you blame the fire for it growing

i’m only loved

when convenient

it makes my insides churn
with sadness
and hollowness

knowing that nobody will love me
truly

only when it’s convenient

i closed my eyes

and there i was

all
alone

in the blink of an eye

everything was white
and i was warm
and i could hear singing

it was a strange place
but a comforting place

a….
familiar place

ive been struck by an eternal love
through every shape and form
i will love you one way or another

i love you
and out of all that i am uncertain of

this will always hold true.

i asked
this question with not a lick of malice on my tongue,

“why don’t you ever look for me or anyone else in this family”

and was met with,

“did i do something to you? is there a problem?”

exasperated and stunned

i’m so disappointed

in my mother

you could call me an ungrateful child

but jesus

all she does is blame me
and create all these problems within me
all these doubts
i wish i could say it’s from myself
but it all goes back to her

My mom grabbed my shoulder firmly and rubbed it

“that’s more like it”

with a sigh of relief

her eyes flickered my body up and down
in the reflection of the mirror

“those pants did nothing for you” she added

I looked at the pants
as they laid on the chair beside the bed
those pants that once gave me
confidence but
  
they’ve  became something I despised

not because I actually hated them  

I just hated myself