I took pictures of you everyday
Because I knew you weren't here to stay

I think love,
for as much of it as I've felt
is nothing more than drawing
lines and watching someone
beautiful cross every single one
Building walls and watching someone
understanding knock down every single one
It's sending your guards home
Opening your gates
Forcing your eyes to focus
on this person's face
even when they're begging to shy away
Choosing their voice over sleep
And their hands over warmth
Because suddenly
the world makes so much sense
Or no sense at all
And you're deeply deeply
passionately depressed while you are
simultaneously experiencing a happiness
much closer to euphoria
It's unrealistic
It's illogical
It's terrifying
But you feel so much safer than
you ever have in your life
And all of those feelings together
outweigh the possibility of the
worst heartbreak you could
ever wrap your head around
You're never bored
Or uncomfortable
You'd do anything to stay right where you are,
no matter the conditions
as long as your love stays right there too
But you're tortured by that
shaking voice in the back of your skull...
The one that says
Nothing lasts forever
And you swear even after all the
Hell you've been through
It's this that will be the final death of you

I listen to Gogol Bordello
through surround sound
speakers in my living room
Fold laundry in my sports bra
Brew coffee all day long
I cry a lot
I write a lot
I paint a lot
My laugh is piercing
My eyes are glossy
My best friends are drug addicts
I prefer wine
And snow storms
And Netflix
I have a pierced eyebrow
I have a pierced nose
I've got tattoos on my arms,
Flowers growing up my right ankle
And 18 years of regret overflowing my skull
I don't care for your muscles
Or the ice in your ear lobes
I kiss hello
And I kiss goodbye
I like the smell of gasoline
I like the smell of ****
I run my fingers through his hair when he cries
He doesn't mind
If you sit in my seat,
I'll be sitting in your lap
I don't care who you are
I'll hug you from behind if you look sad
I'll feed you whiskey to cure your headache
I mop the floors, excessively when I'm anxious
I paint my nails just to peel it all away
I don't sleep
And I don't really eat
I smile without really meaning it
Throw out "I love you"s like water
Clean my sheets daily but forget to shower
I hate myself for smoking
But I've never really tried to stop
I over think everything you say
You can see my mind racing
from a mile away
And then my friends say,
"Not again.
I'm not takin your **** today"
But they do anyway
School makes me nauseous
Always has
Work makes me happy
Always has
I don't care for money
But I like to move
And I like to talk
And I need to feel accomplished
I sing out loud even when I don't know the words
I like to be home alone
But, I'll text you over and over and over again
Until you come keep me company
Just to know that you care
I need constant reassurance
Because I've spent most of my life hating myself
And I'm perpetually afraid
of revisiting that feeling
I hate the beach
I hate to drive
I'm nostalgic all the time
I think of life like a ticking time bomb
Counting down the days til I die
I'm wired
You can see it in my eyes
I'm worried
You can hear it in my voice
Always worried
Worried about someone
But I'm the one who's falling apart
Right at the seams
I invite people into my bed too easily
Invite people into my heart even easier
I don't get annoyed
And I don't get angry
I have love pouring out of my veins
There are certain songs I can't listen to
Without chocking on my own tears
There are certain faces I can't look into
Without chocking on my own tears
I'm obsessive
Compulsive
Impulsive
I'm an over-sharer
I'm an over-carer
You said I've got it all figured out
I'm just good at hiding my fear
I sweep it under my tongue
I don't know much
But I know that I'm gonna be okay
Wish I could say the same for you
Oh what I'd do
To say the same for you

the trees are shedding
their dead leafs
but the dead parts of me
are only blossoming
deeper into my veins
soon,
the ugliest memories
will be all that i have left
like a tree full of dead leafs
that just won't ******* let
go of their branches
jesus christ
won't someone shake
them free...
oh
won't someone shake
this pain away from me
so that i will have the room
to grow untainted beauty
freshly from my core
*i just need some space to start over

We used to fall asleep in our
jeans in the middle of the day
and not wake up until the
next morning

We used to go to shows on
week nights and sing
in the shower

Life was light
and rest came easy

I'd swallow gasoline
          Set myself on fire
                          Start my skin all over

                                                     I'd rip my hair
                            Strand
                                              by
                       strand
                                     Right out of my
                                        aching skull
           Weave  
                       it
                          back
                                 ­  together

                                         I'd throw up what's left
                                         In my stomach
                                         And then I would
                                         Refuse to replace it

                       Just to feel like my body
                                                    Deserves­
                              yours

                           ­                             Just to feel like I fit

                      Pretty
                               Little
                                       Right
                         Next to you

                                                        You say I do
                                                              ­  But
                                                  I don't believe you

                 I never will
                                     Until I'm
                      Skin
              And
       Bones
                 And
                        Fake
                               And
                                      Fake
                  ­              And
                        Fake
                An­d
                       Flawless
                                     Barbie
                                                Perfect

some nights,
alone in bed
the darkness
was so alive
i swore
i felt it
roaming
around
inside
my
head
and
it's
taken me
this long
to learn
the morning
will always
come,
bearing sun
anyway

the truth is,
healing was never going to be linear.
we were never going to conquer our fear
or our pain or our guilt or our shame
and move onto the next thing.
we were bound from birth to conquer the same
thing over and over and over again.
the past would never be behind us.
the present would never be the only
space we existed in.
the future was never tangible,
never really in front of us...
it's just kind of a concept that hangs
unreachable above our heads.
this thing we think we're walking toward,
it keeps us moving.
we're always moving,
but the grounds we walk lead nowhere.
our lives are no more a journey
than a jog on a treadmill...
moving forward was always an illusion.
we are walking the same path
again and again and again
and we develop shin splints
on random occasion,
and then we have something to heal,
and we do it...
we heal ourselves of our shin splints,
but they come back
and we are forced to start
the therapy all over.
life was never about fixing
all of our problems,
until we are left with nothing
but goodness and strength,
because all of our problems
are not constant.
we aren't born with every
problem we'll have,
so that we can spend the
beginning of our lives
fixing each one until
we are rid of the pain
and the flaws that
slow us down.
we fix a problem
and an other appears
and we fix that problem
and we are catapulted
into tragedy
where old problems
resurface suddenly.
and this never stops.
nothing is ever really "fixed".
nothing is ever really over.
i wasn't built to ever be whole
and present all at once.
i am pieces scattered out
all over every inch
of the earth,
that i've touched.
i couldn't wait for that
anatomy class to end
last semester,
but even when it ended,
i never really left it.
there's still a piece of me
sitting in a seething frustration
at my own inadequacies,
my own inability to retain
the information,
and that piece will
be stagnant in anatomy forever,
because now that i've unlocked
that specific brand of frustration
that exists in me,
there is no way to lock it again.
my growth was never linear,
it never will be.
my growth is scattered
like half smoked
cigarettes on long stretches of
endless pavement.
i am a good person.
i have bad intentions.
and i am a bad person.
i have good intentions.
i am everything
and nothing
and i am who i wanna be
but i am hardly anything at all.
i am strong today
but i may be weak tomorrow.
my growth is not linear.
i am scattered.
i am in bed
and i am dreaming
and i am writing this
and i am waiting
and i am comfortable
and i am content
and i am terrified
and i am exhausted
and rested
and confused
and full of clarity.
i am never one whole.
i am always a half of a half
of a half, and so on
and on and on.

will work for sleep

I'd blow kisses off
the tips of my fingers
And you'd catch them
in the palms of your hands
Now you avoid puddles
on rainy afternoons
And I spend snow days
catching up on
sleep

You write math equations
in the margins where
you used to scribble music notes
And I write phone numbers
on the backs of receipts
where I used to scribble
sonnets

Memories-
Like hallucinations or distant dreams
Distorted in this projection on the walls of my skull
They are morphing into dark shadows all around me
And I am aching inside of them
Where did all of the "I love you"s dissapear to
You become easy to forget when you stop living, just to focus on surviving

Memories-
He climbed beneath my skin and slept there for a couple months
We fought with our feet occasionally shuffling slowly over the snow on State Street
In front of a crowded coffee house
As the yellow lights wrapped their hands around his face
And illuminated the anger growing behind his bright eyes
My palms went numb inside the worn out pockets
Of that old gray sweatshirt that hid his porcelain skin
I fell away from myself before he fell out of love
You become easy to forget when you stop living, just to focus on surviving

Memories-
There was a certain Hell dissipating all over my shell
And I can smell it
Skeletons falling from my closet
And I can feel it
Demons staring me in the face
And no way to escape it
They left me lying in the small space
Between my bed and window
You become easy to forget when you stop living, just to focus on surviving

There's nothing more peaceful than the
way your sentences drag on until
they stop making sense just before
you fall to sleep
And there's nothing more beautiful
than the disheveled look
in your eyes when you
first come alive beneath a
Sunday morning's sky
You'll press snooze at least ten
times before you bother to sit up
And I'll sit silently hoping you won't
say you have to leave at all today
Because
Your yawns are contagious,
your tears are too
And I get completely lost
in every single thing you do

You've always been here
Five years
I call you
& you come to me,
with whatever piece of you I require
Which is why I get no sympathy
for staying up all night
hysterically whining
that I need you
I say,
"I miss him so much
I can feel my body aching
every second of every day"
And they just look at me
with confused eyes,
releasing frustrated sighs
as to say... he never left...
But,
Those pieces
The ones you give to me
are nothing but painful reminders
that I no longer have the whole thing
They'll never know
how much of you I've actually lost
Because all they see is you standing in front of me,
holding my skull into your chest,
and wiping the tears off my cheek bones
They see you here
But you & I
both know you're not

Just a ghost
A lingering reflection
A still frame

A shadow

of an affection

that once meant everything

I used to think everyone around me
Was rising

Over time, it seems more likely that
I'm just falling

It looks the same,
But it isn't.

He keeps following **** stars
On Twitter
And messaging lonely girls
On Facebook
Telling me that I'm stupid
That I'm crazy
That I'm lost

And he's right
But that doesn't change
The agony of sharp words
As I swallow them

His eyes once were a light brown;
Pools of swirled honey in the sunlight

Now there's two black holes
Cut from his skull
That he sees out of

And he doesnt really look at me,
Just toward me,
As if pretending
To notice me

I used to laugh so hard
I'd notice a sharp
Aching in my jaw
When I climbed into bed
At night

Now there is no ache
Just that feeling of falling
Over a ledge,
Grasping at rocks
Trying not to get lost
In the void growing deeper
Every night

I always feel like I'm circling
Around and around
This space where the Earth ends
And drops into nothing

I am so close to slipping
There is a sinking in my gut
As the tips of my toes
Teeter over the edge

But I just keep circling
Around and around

Hoping for a route out
Without plunging blindly
Into the dark

My jaw is aching from clenching my teeth
& with my eyes burning,
I'm swallowing an other pill just to sleep
This year is a current;
Every tired stroke I make
to swim back to my bed only
sends me deeper into a violent sea
Salt water waves flooding over my eyes
This is the kind of night that ends with my insides,
spilling endlessly into my sheets
I will rip every tattoo out of my skin
until I'm just a blank canvas
between tan walls,
waiting to be forgotten

Reverting back to my teenaged years
I pressed a razor into my thigh

I liked the way the blood
Mixed with the raspberry & vanilla
Suds in the bathtub
To make this ombré
Of maroon fading
To peach

My brain's been itchy
For weeks

I am overwhelmed
And imaginaing
The bathtub
With no bottom

Drowning
In a ceramic hole
That leads nowhere

My body
Wrapped
In
Raspberry
And Vanilla
Soap suds,
And my hair
Wet
And long
Between my
Shoulder blades

I wanna be
As pretty
As the ocean,

A perfect shade
Of baby blue,
With navy
And purple
Accents
In the deepest
Spaces

And I wanna be
Just as infinite
As the ocean,
Incomprehensible
To the modern
Human mind,

Everlasting
& Impossible

Went to take a bath

In a room with no windows

Disappeared
Without a trace

And no one will ever know
The bottom is an illusion

There is so much more
Beneath,
To dive in
Or die in

my mind
UNRAVELS
and lands here
At the brink
Of reality
And delusion

And I stay here
Because it's easy

And it's kinda silly

And no one is angry,

Not even me

But eventually

The water
Runs cold
And I start to feel
My
Heart beat
In my finger tips

And as I take the trip
Back to my body
I dread the dizziness
I know is waiting
On the other side

Cause I cut too deep
And now I have to
Explain myself
In the back of
An ambulance

And,
And,
And,
"Morgan,
Aren't you too
******* old for this?"

Oh,
How I'm homesick
Homesick
Inside of myself

You said my technicolor
nose ring was weird
And then you laughed
Gently
At the shock in my eyes
And said,
No I like it
It's weirdly pretty
I think I'm gonna call you tonight

the look in your eyes
when you said
i tried
cut deeper
than any
half hearted
goodbye

you left a scar
when you shared the knowledge
that living could so easily be
nothing but a failed attempt

The morning air freezes in my lungs,
My chest tightens
My hands are too weak
To hold the panic down,
It rises up from the ground
And wraps itself around my ribcage

The cold has me exhausted
And it's only November

I need to stay focused now

More pain is coming

I take the frost on my windsheild
Like a glaring warning:

"Breathe now.
This is the calm
Before the storm"

I feel like the mountains are laughing,
They see what's coming before it
Reaches us
And they know how ill prepared
We'll always be

They think it's pretty funny,
The heats up all the way
But it's only circulating
Bitter air
In a tauntingly rhythmic
Motion

I am staring into blank space,
Snow blind
And shaking

You are where the pavement is warm
All year long,
And no one ever asks
You to feel their blue hand
On your pale cheek bone
So how do you know what
Sorrow tastes like?

Yeah, I've cried in the warm sun
But it's a unique depression
When it feels exactly like
the whole coast is crying with you

I let every call go to voicemail,
I need more bad news like
A hole in the throat

This is when the overdoses
Start to pile up

My friends are broken
I'm glad I never got there

The cigarette in my hand
Is shivering
While I hold it out
Into the elements,
Unprotected
It fights the stillness,
The thickness,
The grayness
Of Almost-Winter
With its small bit
Of raging fire
But it stands no chance
And as soon as the center
Gets damp,
It starts to taste like cancer
So I drop it over ice...
Watch it try to follow my car,
Watch it fail
And extinguish
Into the ground

That reminds me
I should really call you back
But I'm so tired baby

And sometimes
Maintaining anything
Feels pretty pointless

The earth inhales,
Kinda wheezes,
It sounds too much
like the last three gasps
Of a dying man

Do you know what it's like
To be as tired as the day you're in?

Days are never tired in the south

You'll never know darkness like a northerner

We can smell the bruises forming

It's 4:30 in the morning
And I'm crawling out of my skin
Your words have been playing on loop,
for six hours straight inside my head
This house is excessive
I can feel all of the empty space
Weighing on my chest
Sometimes I wake up to the sound of my
own pain, echoing through the walls
The floors creek when you're not home
The sink never stops dripping
It mocks me as I wait for something
That's never coming
I'm exhausted
But I don't think sleep is
Stopping by this week
I left it in your pocket
You took it with you
I haven't had it
In at least 3 weeks
I'm falling apart
I might tear our room down with me
Maybe then you'd come home
Rebuild it
Or just set it on fire
Finally
Watch it all burn away with me
If only you'd burn away with me

my hands are stitched in love, i'm an ever-growing garden of laugh lines, my eyes are swirling galaxies of patience, my thoughts are made with care & carried out with passion, when the walls move closer to me & my heart starts beating too fast, there's a voice in the back of my skull that whispers "slow down. this too shall pass."

& you are that voice in the back of my skull,
the passion in my actions,
the care in my thoughts,
the patience in my eyes,
the reason for the laugh lines,
the seamstress who laced my loving hands

even on my weakest days when i swear i can drown in my own tears, you can bet your life that i will swim every time because you are my guide and you'd kick with tired legs across an ocean before you'd let something as weak as pain drag you underwater

i have no capacity for apathy,
no fear of what's in front of me
cause i was born from
a gentle warrior
who never let me wonder
how i'd make it through.
she always knew
exactly what to do

I can hang my research paper
about mini gardening on my
refrigerator and hope that you
read it as you're
grabbing yourself a beer
and notice how thoughtful I am

and I can leave my type writer
next to my paint brushes, where
the tv used to sit in my living room
and hope that you will sit
on my couch and wonder
if I write about you
or if I paint pictures
of how flowers look
right after it rains

and I could hang posters of
Joe Strummer
& Charles Darwin
all over my bedroom walls
so that when
you climb into my bed you
think I'm interesting and smart

and I can compose 500 word texts
about how green your eyes are
then never send them

but that's more work than
I have the energy for this year
so I just won't bother loving you

I have a heart breaking way of thinking about every moment in painful nostalgia, while it's happening